哎喲喲喲喲!

安賽倆目阿來空

南英今晚不是太好........

難死啦! 感覺很像放棄不要再看這死論文啊。

南英該怎麼辦哪,天爺？

不要想不好的東西可是我都受不得了....

想做footonote都不會, 這大便的Word2010不是讓人爽爽打論文....

讓人更煩更酷刑! 

想去問隔壁間房南英都害羞... 蘇老的兄弟最多是學士生南英

也是不清楚如果他們能了解南英的問題

真的真的不喜歡寫論文... 南英不知道想活還是想去死

壓力啊, 天爺........ :'(

祈禱為宇宙原更和平更幸福, 阿敏!

Disconnecting

Assalaamu'alaikum wa rahmatullah!

Hiraa Cave - 'Abdul 'Azim Green Rod

I tried to be patient when people playing sentiments with me last time, especially when it is regarding religious work or what we call as da'awa either to ourselves or to others. I actually always trying to remind myself about the God and praying to Him in my heart for faith. Sometimes situation and environment around really testing my faith to Him. It happened since I was a young kid.

Although I am not a religious science scholar or not even close to them who has the right to report about themselves but this is a personal site so I am just writing what I think as a mortal human-being. Since I have no one to talk with. I better talk to diary or blog. Thanks to google blogger for the blog although I am not a creative person nor am I skilful in computer. At least I know how should I express my feeling as an... I can say an orthodox Muslim guy who is trying to repent to Him. Now, I feel deeply sympathy to the late Anne Frank. I understand how she feels while being a refugee during World War II. She must had to underwent a hard time especially after her sister and mum died until it makes her talking to her diary as the only friend that she had. Though she's not of the same religion with me but she's also a human-being. I am sorry for not being a typical racist Arab or non-Arab Muslim. I can't be like that and nobody supported me too when I am alone like this except Allah and His Words.  

Yesterday evening, I just messaged a guy representing those guys who had not telling me anything about what happened to them while last time they talked in the car after returning from the Bengal mosque bayan session about outing for India, that kerja agama stuff. I talked more to him because he came to talk with me. One of them had loudly said to others that I agreed to go for India and that made me feel tied to the determination. Determination for me means the portal to promise. Promise must be executed, though death touching us. That is my principle. That's why I tried not to engaged with debt nor trying to do anything which lead to promise. If it happened then, I must go with it no matter what happened to me. So, as to say another Tabligh kid out of that group also came and talked about this to me. And they already bought tickets including for me to Kuala Lumpur, so I without any idea on what happened had just followed the other. I posted about this before but it's not a full story as I am thinking on how not to make people assume bad things about the Tabligh-e-Jama'at. So, in my message, I said that they are competing in converting me or other people because I didn't see that those separate group guys talked to each other. One thing that we must remember, quantity is not equal to quality. Try check in surah al-Baqarah about Taalut (Saul) and David a.s during military training before the establishment of Judah kingdom in the Land of Cana'an. There is also a conversation between the Children of Israel and an unknown prophet about how to choose a leader amongst them to encounter the infidel Philistines. The prophet according to Israeliyyat is Samuel bin Alqanah bin Yaruham a.s.  

After the brief session in USM mosque last Friday before the semester break, I just saw the guy but I didn't get the chance to talk about the matter or at least getting to know what actually happened. I afraid that it would jeopardize their auspicious chance when getting job opportunity as it's not easy for graduates today to get job according to their certificate specification. The kid was the first of the group in the musalla who came to persuade me to join them or asking me to be friendly with people, so they should at least come and visit me. I didn't visit nor contact them because of the reason that I saw they looked like facing dilemma. We non-science stream and non-technical students are actually very sensitive to environment and very considerate. We consider everything but nobody channel us to right places instead making us jokers out of our unfortunate situation to entertain them.

Isn't it Tablighi way that they would visit people they wanted to preach or persuade? I still feel upset with that though it happened last semester. It's not like I can't forget that, but to do that is not as easy to say. That is also apart of polite manner and adab for Muslims. I never consider myself as having any significance in front of others so I would just keep my silence but that does not mean that I am not listening or entertaining people if they come to talk with me. I am just keeping my silence and avoiding people because I had experience like this before and it happened again.

I thought that, they are 'real' brothers in faith. I had also silently read some muallaf sisters' and brothers' blogs. I believe they must also experience the same thing. I pray may the God grants them patience though I don't comment all of their blogs to show support. I am supporting all of them and always pray for them either those who are helping others virtually or through daily activities. Till now, I still maintain contact with two ex-colleagues during my degree time. They are not religious anyway. I think only two of them still survive as contacts and friends if not close but by distance. Sometimes, I talked with one of them through messenger or messages. He never replied me. If I contact him by messages I never expect any reply but I know at least he know what happened to me and he actually reads me. I am not asking him to think about my troubles here but just someone to listen. Another one is my acquaintance in Israel and he is also a Hadrami descent. His experience is more or less the same like me before he performed migration to holy land, but he is occupied now with his religious duty and other things so we don't really talk much online. I can also tell the God or talking with His creatures around like angels while walking, but people might think that... I am crazy. Maybe I should just chant asmaa'ul husna while I don't talk with people around. It's better than looking at people face, keep thinking, later being sad.

That guy who persuaded me replied me messages, but the second message that I send telling him about what I feel is the last message. I don't reply to him anymore when he replied. I don't even read his reply message no more and just deleted it as I am so disappointed. I deleted all of Tabligh-e-Jama'at members' numbers in this hostel. I also deleted their contacts from my mail address book and messenger. Though they were nice to me and also teachers to me but I think I should only depend to the Holy God as my Wali. If He never replies to my prayers, but at least He is Holy and He is my King. I believe the God listens to me anyway. I don't have any problem with Tabligh-e-Jama'at. I know their founder syeikh so this is not trying to blacken them. This is just my personal story. And yes, I did listened many negative remarks about Tabligh-e-Jama'at members but not about the founding syeikh. 

My uncle is also a Tabligh member living in the Beseri Markaz in Perlis with his family. My eldest cousin sister which is his daughter live in the UK with her family. When they returned home during Syawwal few years ago, they do not even see our grandma graveyard. They looked at us as we were ungodly but they never stayed with our grandparents when they are sick. We looked after them, and grandparents didn't want to live with them because they are not close to them. My second sister too had encountered such experience when she went to Australia with her friend. They met this Malay Tabligh uncle, who is trying to matchmaking his friend to women introduced by our relatives who know that Tabligh uncle. That uncle talked without any manner to them like they have no basis about their own path and faith. But when looking at the uncle's daughter, she wears tube and dating her boyfriend. My sister just cynically said, why don't you match your daughter with your friend? That's her story to me, hahaha. 

Those kids just go without telling me what happened and only after that I know they had gotten job offer from an established multinational company although they talked to me last time about "duniya" this and "duniya" that. I get to know that news from other kids, but some of them seem like reluctant to tell me the truth about the kid who persuaded me too. I do not know how they understood what they listened from their bayan but I had been exposed to all of these stuffs since I was a little child without having to be persuaded into a particular jama'at. In term of worldly matters, I am not blessed like others since I was a young child. I also learned by observing around and life experience.

They have my contact number or even email if it is difficult to climb up a floor above their rooms or they are so occupied with matters around. Just write one or two words saying we are not going to the camp nor outing. That should be enough for me. That guy can call me last time when they wanted to invite me to join them, perhaps to fulfill their 'quota.' But to call telling me they are not going to the camp for few seconds is difficult. I do not think that it is wrong for them to pursue the job as they deserve that. That is His sustenance to them and they must be thankful to the God. I am happy for them, I am proud with them. But when I think back, I am just a worm which is minor in people's eyes. And that makes people simply play around with my dignity and promise. For some Arabs, though I am just a hybrid Arab, dignity and promise are very important. We may be poor, brethren, but we honor people and guests who come to us. I listened to the kid because he first came to me. I do not consider them as having low or high religious knowledge to preach to me. I just listen to the essence they are talking about without looking at who they are nor how do they look like. 

I mingled too with cleaners, Bangladeshi and Pakistani migrant workers, I eat with them. I befriend and talked to retarded students, thugs and I talked with other groups of people who are considered as sinful like gays, transgenders, and non-Muslims. I listened to Christians' sermons. Once, I was also educated by Buddhist temples and Buddhist gurus. They are all teachers to me. And I know how does it feel when we are alone and we are doing everything by ourselves without any company to even ask opinion or advise from others.

Last time I had also tested few friends and acquaintance who lived with me for two years in my previous hostels. And the result is they had forgotten people easily although we eat together, watching TV's together, and always chatting about many things. Like when I called a friend who's known as Ijo, and he just asked me again. Who's this? It means that my number is also deleted from his phone although we used to exchanged number and calling each other for lunch or dinner. The same thing also happened with Jantr of Pendang, Pidoth of Sungai Petani, and Pak Ku of Alor Setar who were my Kedahan compatriots in our previous hostel. So, I believe I must also do the same. I just disconnect the line and simply deleted those useless numbers. I also deleted few other colleagues' numbers since I don't think their number or contact could be benefited either for Him or for nation. Simpan nombor pun buat semak saja sebab tak ada kegunaan atau tak ada pertalian silaturrahim lagi.

There is of no use to keep numbers if there is no silaturrahim to be prolonged anymore. I am also thinking of changing my number and planning to work in Thailand after I graduated so I would need to polish up Thai for interview and job purpose. I do not want to join the convocation ceremony next year but only grabbing my scroll. No need for celebration I don't need it anymore. I wanted to forget everything. Furthermore, this issue of religious work is so disappointing and I feel that it had been mocked by people who call themselves as the practitioners of sunnah. Maybe sunnah for them only means brushing teeth with miswak, recording names for those who are willing to join their outing (maybe converted into a member) or wearing Bangladeshi style attire. For me, sunnah is more than that. Prophetic traditions teaches us to worship Him, morality, prayers and manners to deal with others. It won't be so much concern for me if His Name and prophetic tradition is not being brought together. But unfortunately...

As to say, people will use us when they need company, sad or when they need help. But when they are in happiness, pleasure or in luxury they tend to forget everything. Perhaps they are not always in solitary. If they always recite Muhammad s.a.w life, they would know how does it feel although they are not in the same situation faced by noble prophet Muhammad s.a.w. If I am in this kind of situation, I love to recite about his life chapter in the Hiraa' Cave.  

Now, I am just disconnecting myself from society again. It does not mean I totally isolate myself. I just don't want to talk with people anymore if there is no important thing to say. I must remind myself to quick finish my thesis or else I would just grab my Quran and reciting it without thinking about anything else. I hate this studies and institution but maybe it is my destiny that I am in this situation. May Allah forgive me my sins if my words hurt others. I am trying not to hurt others too, but human is never perfect. While we are never perfect, but try to reach perfection through prayers to Him.

I would also like to put forward my kamchiang (close) ex-colleague quote: "to forgive is to forget, leave everything that had happened behind and don't think too much don't bother with karmma though it might be differently to your concept of karmma." The last part, of this quote actually he means to me. I just can't see people in difficulties and that's why he urges me to leave everything behind. Don't bother with others.

Good friends is not easy to be seen in the society today. I do not believe people today are sincere finding friend simply because they wanted to befriend others but because they have agendas. This is a little bit of conspiracy but I think it is logical because we find friend as we need to ask people to help us if we have problem, if we want to borrow something, and others. I am not an important person anyway, haha. Last time many people who come to me are also with bad intention like that crazy old Jordanian. The Most Good Friend is actually the God. He does not choose anyone to be his friend except for those who fear Him and devote themselves for Him. Unlike human-being.    

We just take everything as test from the God, He loves us that's why He tests us. On the other hand, this world is not our eternal abode. We are like living in a hotel. Some people might have lots of money, so they live in expensive hotel. Some might live in motels or one star hotel. Others perhaps living in the box or under trees since they have no money to rent for a place... To be a faithful believer is to immerse ourselves into torments. Nobody who have faith to the God living good life. Just read Qisaasul Anbiyaa' and stories about disciples of prophets.                   

Allahumma salli 'alaa Muhammad wa 'ala aali Muhammad. Sealed with prayers for mercy, peace, and love, amin!

Disconnecting

Assalaamu'alaikum wa rahmatullah!

Hiraa Cave - 'Abdul 'Azim Green Rod

I tried to be patient when people playing sentiments with me last time, especially when it is regarding religious work or what we call as da'awa either to ourselves or to others. I actually always trying to remind myself about the God and praying to Him in my heart for faith. Sometimes situation and environment around really testing my faith to Him. It happened since I was a young kid.

Although I am not a religious science scholar or not even close to them who has the right to report about themselves but this is a personal site so I am just writing what I think. Since I have no one to talk with. I better talk to diary or blog. Thanks to google blogger for the blog although I am not a creative person nor am I skilful in computer. At least I know how should I express my feeling as an, I can say an orthodox Muslim guy who is trying to repent to Him. Now, I feel deeply sympathy to Anne Frank. I understand how she feels while being a refugee during World War II. She must had to underwent a hard time until it makes her talking to her diary. Though she's not from the same religion with me but she's also a human.  

Yesterday evening, I just messaged a guy representing those guys who had not telling me anything about what happened to them while last time they talked in the car after returning from the Bengal mosque bayan session about outing for India, that kerja agama stuff. One of them had loudly said to others that I agreed to go for India and that made me feel tied to the determination. Determination for me means the portal to promise. Promise must be executed, though death touching us. That is my principle. That's why I tried not to engaged with debt nor trying to do anything which lead to promise. If it happened then, I must go with it no matter what happened to me. 

After the brief session in USM mosque last Friday before the semester break, I just saw the guy but I didn't get the chance to talk or at least getting to know what actually happened. They are the first who came to persuade me to join them, so they should at least come and visit me. Isn't it their way? They would visit people they wanted to preach or persuade? I still feel upset with that though it happened last semester.  That is also apart of polite manner and adab for Muslims. I never consider myself as having any significance in front of others so I would just keep my silence but that does not mean that I am not listening or entertaining people if they come to talk with me. I am just keeping my silence and avoiding people because I had experience like this before and it happened again.

I thought that, they are 'real' brothers in faith. I had also silently read some muallaf sisters' and brothers' blogs. I believe they must also experience the same thing. I pray may the God grants them patience though I don't comment all of their blogs to show support. I am supporting all of them and always pray for them either those who are helping others virtually or through daily activities. Till now, I still maintain contact with two ex-colleagues during my degree time. I think only two of them still survive as contacts and friends if not close but by distance. Sometimes, I talked with one of them through messenger or messages. He never replied me. If I contact him by messages I never expect any reply but I know at least he know what happened to me and he actually reads me. I am not asking him to think about my troubles here but just someone to listen. Another one is my acquaintance in Israel and he is also a Hadrami. His experience is more or less the same like me, but he is occupied now with his religious duty and other things so we don't really talk much online. I can also tell the God or talking with His creatures around like angels while walking, but people might think that... I am crazy. Maybe I should just chant asmaa'ul husna while I don't talk with people around. It's better than looking at people face keep thinking.

That guy who persuaded me replied me messages, but the second message that I send telling him about what I feel is the last message. I don't reply to him anymore when he replied. I don't even read his reply message no more as I am so disappointed. I deleted all of Tabligh-e-Jama'at members' numbers in this hostel. I also deleted their contacts from my mail address book and messenger. Though they were nice to me and also teachers to me but I think I should only depend to the Holy God as my Wali. If He never replies to my prayers, but at least He is Holy and He is my King. I believe the God listens to me anyway. I don't have any problem with Tabligh-e-Jama'at. I know their founder syeikh so this is not trying to blacken them. This is just my personal story. And yes, I did listened many negative remarks about Tabligh-e-Jama'at members but not about the founding syeikh. 

My uncle is also a Tabligh member living in the Beseri Markaz in Perlis with his family. My eldest cousin sister which is his daughter live in the UK with her family. When they returned home during Syawwal few years ago, they do not even see our grandma graveyard. They looked at us as we were ungodly but they never stayed with our grandparents when they are sick. We looked after them, and grandparents didn't want to live with them because they are not close to them. My second sister too had encountered such experience when she went to Australia with her friend. They met this Malay Tabligh uncle, who is trying to matchmaking his friend to women introduced by our relatives who know that Tabligh uncle. That uncle talked without any manner to them like they have no basis about their own path and faith. But when looking at the uncle's daughter, she wears tube and dating her boyfriend. My sister just cynically said, why don't you match your daughter with your friend? That's her story to me, hahaha. 

Those kids just go without telling me what happened and only after that I know they had gotten job offer from an established multinational company although they talked to me last time about "duniya" this and "duniya" that. I get to know that from others. I do not know how they understood what they listened from their bayan but I had been exposed to all of these stuffs since I was a little child without having to be persuaded into a particular jama'at.  I also learned by observing around and life experience.

They have my contact number or even email if it is difficult to climb up a floor above their rooms or they are so occupied with matters around. Just write one or two words saying we are not going to the camp nor outing. That should be enough for me. That guy can call me last time when they wanted to invite me to join them, perhaps to fulfill their 'quota.' But to call telling me they are not going to the camp for few seconds is difficult. I do not think that it is wrong for them to pursue the job as they deserve that. That is His sustenance to them and they must be thankful to the God. I am happy for them, I am proud with them. But when I think back, I am just a worm which is minor in people's eyes. And that makes people simply play around with my dignity and promise. For some Arabs, though I am just a hybrid Arab, dignity and promise are very important. We may be poor, brethren, but we honor people and guests who come to us. I listened to the kid because he first came to me. I do not consider them as having low or high religious knowledge to preach to me. I just listen to the essence they are talking about without looking at who they are nor how do they look like. 

I mingled too with cleaners, Bangladeshi and Pakistani migrant workers, I eat with them. I befriend and talked to retarded students, thugs and I talked with other groups of people who are considered as sinful like gays, transgenders, and non-Muslims. I listened to Christians' sermons. Once, I was also educated by Buddhist temples and Buddhist gurus. They are all teachers to me. And I know how does it feel when we are alone and we are doing everything by ourselves without any company to even ask opinion or advise from others.

Last time I had also tested few friends and acquaintance who lived with me for two years in my previous hostels. And the result is they had forgotten people easily although we eat together, watching TV's together, and always chatting about many things. Like when I called a friend who's known as Ijo, and he just asked me again. Who's this? It means that my number is also deleted from his phone although we used to exchanged number and calling each other for lunch or dinner.

The same thing also happened with Jantr of Pendang, Pidoth of Sungai Petani, and Pak Ku of Alor Setar who were my Kedahan compatriots in our previous hostel. So, I believe I must also do the same. I just disconnect the line and simply deleted those useless numbers. I also deleted few other colleagues' numbers since I don't think their number or contact could be benefited either for Him or for nation. Simpan nombor pun buat semak saja sebab tak ada kegunaan atau tak ada pertalian silaturrahim lagi. There is of no use to keep numbers if there is no silaturrahim to be prolonged anymore. I am also thinking of changing my number and planning to work in Thailand after this so I would need to polish up Thai for interview and job purpose. I wanted to forget everything.

Furthermore, this issue of religious work is so disappointing and I feel that it had been mocked by people who call themselves as the practitioners of sunnah. Maybe sunnah for them only means brushing teeth with miswak, recording names for those who are willing to join their outing (maybe converted into a member) or wearing Bangladeshi style attire. For me, sunnah is more than that. Prophetic traditions teaches us to worship Him, morality, prayers and manners to deal with others. It won't be so much concern for me if His Name and prophetic tradition is not being brought together. But unfortunately...

As to say, people will use us when they need company, sad or when they need help. But they are in happiness or in luxury they tend to forget everything. Perhaps they are not always in solitary. If they always recite Muhammad s.a.w life, they would know how does it feel although they are not in the same situation with that noble prophet s.a.w. If I am in this kind of situation, I love to recite about his life chapter in the Hiraa' Cave.  

Now, I am just disconnecting myself from society again. It does not mean I totally isolate myself. I just don't want to talk with people anymore if there is no important thing to say. I must remind myself to quick finish my thesis or else I would just grab my Quran and reciting it without thinking about anything else. I hate this studies but maybe it is my destiny that I am in this situation.

May Allah forgive me my sins if my words hurt others. I am trying not to hurt others too, but human is never perfect. Although we are never perfect but try to reach perfection. I would also like to put forward my kamchiang (close) ex-colleague quote: "to forgive is to forget, leave everything that had happened behind and don't think too much don't bother with karmma though it might be differently to your concept of karmma." The last part, of this quote actually he means to me. I just can't see people in difficulties and that's why he urges me to leave everything behind. Good friends would not be easy to find brethren. Once you see good friends, just appreciate their presence around you. If no 'good' friend to be seen around, just befriend the God like our patriarch, Ibrahim al-Khalil (Abraham the Friend of the God). The God is the Most Good Friend over others. 

Anyway, what had happened already happened. We look for the future. Just forget it, next time I would be extra extra cautious with people around no matter how nice they are to others.                   

Allahumma salli 'alaa Muhammad wa 'ala aali Muhammad. Sealed with prayers for mercy, peace, and love, amin!

This is just a test, patience... Ya Allah!

Assalaamu'alaikum wa Rahmatullah!

May peace and mercy descend upon brothers and sisters. I am so glad we are near Ramadan but in the same time I am also sad, I am stuck at my first chapter of thesis. I am not sad because of the thesis but the thesis becomes the asbab (reasons) for me to be far from the God :'( 

It makes me believe even more that this epoch is the evil epoch with evil people, evil works, evil thoughts, evil words, and everything evil in ones selves. May He strengthen our faith and helping us to gain our strength to perform obedience to Him, passing through this evil period.

I had just returned home from a mosque in our qaryah (parish). After Isya' I tried to avoid people as always because I don't like to be seen by anyone. So, I just quickly ran down to get my slippers, actually not my slippers because I borrowed it from my sister. I know that I am so dha'if, sengkek, and penniless. What else I can jot down here to describe the condition? Then suddenly dad shouted at me, actually he calls me to meet someone which is his acquaintance. I didn't really feel comfortable with that man, well he's quite "soft" and is a clerk in a hospital.  It's not a problem as long as he does not touch me, especially in holy boundary. I am not a person who is easily to be touched by anyone and quite sensitive with the manner in the masjid or places of worship. I don't care what people want to say or think about that.

I would not stay long at that place but will quickly leave if I feel uncomfortable with someone or anything being discussed by someone. Then, he asked me what am I doing. I would prefer to tell him that I am a jobless person. My dad and mum is feeding me because I am a useless handicapped guy in front of him. But it stuck in my throat. I just said the truth that I am pursuing master degree. Then he asked me whether I had experience working? I just answered him simple, no... I just wonder, why people love to ask whether we are working or not in their conversation as it is like a great achievement in our life???????????????!!!  Are they gonna give us job after they ask us those silly questions? No, for sure not all of the people would be so merciful to others since they are also desperate. 

I'm sorry for being quite a bad ass today and I hope that I hurt nobody. This is just what I personally feel and it is the reason why I hate to talk much in the public. Well, at least I don't have to see a councilor by jotting everything down because those fellows can't really solve anything but just making a life from that. Unless if the councilor is like the councilor who is already dead like Malcolm Crowe in the Sixth Sense.

When he heard that, he just said: "kalau macam tu susah lah. You dah ade master nanti, tapi takde pengalaman keje plak. Nanti orang tengok dorang lebih penting pengalaman keje." I actually am aware about that. I have an experience for about a year working in immigration department as a Chinese translator and interpreter although I never have any Chinese certificate. I understand two Chinese dialects but speak only one of it because I am not fluent in the other one and I write in Chinese for both dialects beside using Jawi Malay in most of my hand written document at least for now. 

I had anonymously helped hundreds of Muslim Chinese, Hui or Uyghur ethnic hajjs and hajjas who were trapped and stucked in the Kuala Lumpur International Airport in that short period time working experience. Even I also helped non-Muslim Chinese nationals in the airport according to my job responsibility and at the day I had got my salary where those salary goes to these people because I don't want them to waste their money buying expansive food stuffs or wasting their food supplies when they are in pilgrimage in airport. I just drink water because I am sacrificing myself for others to perform worship, may Allah never drag me to hell for jotting this down. I always went home late at night when I worked although I began my work at seven in the morning and goes to the airport at five before fajr prayer calling. Mum had also complained when I came back late and nobody would ever see my face at home while I work and now people are talking about this. Is it me who is an ingrate and do not appreciate what Allah 'Azza wa Jalla had given us? Other than that, I helped Indonesian, Indian, Vietnamese, Nepalese, Bangladeshi and other nationals who were abused like animals for their energy to be exploited in labor industry stucked in the freezing cold airport, calling here and there to their embassy while those officers in the office refused to be involved because they have many other important things to do. 

I don't think that I have to tell everything to people because the holy God is watching me down here and sometimes I can't even recall what I had done in the past unless if I sit down and think deeply on what happens in the past to get back my lost memory because I will try to erase all of the pain in the past. 

I feel quite sad and down when I encountered this kind of question. I realize that I am already 25 years old, but what is wrong with my age and working experience? I have other ex-colleague who were my classmates having no job until now. I understand how their feeling and I believe they might also feel insulted when people talk about that because they would feel down. 

One of my ex-classmate in the bachelor degree class, Mat Noq of Kulim was expelled from the study. I am so sad when I heard the news because we had tried to help him as a Muslim brother. Nobody really cares about him because he was pathetic, a fatso, no pleasant looking, dark, village folk, he eats rice with curry until it stains his manga comic and could be a servant to other hostel mates because he was traumatized with his school boy's life. I frankly hate to see this inequality! 

Another one of my ex-classmate is Syakeer of Kuala Berang. He was also expelled because he worked while studying and he failed almost all of the papers and have no choice but to be expelled by the dean and the university. He is currently working as a cleaner in Langkawi. I had Mat Med as my closest classmate and hostel mate. He has no job even until now. I also persuaded him to find a proper job for himself because I know how it feels when people talk like this to us, when parents begin to rant and naggin' to us. But in the same time I understand him for the failure to get immediate job. It is the mobility, and many other factors that stopped him from steppin' out of his boundary. I feel so sad for my friends. Not only when I listened people talking like they know more about us when they talk with us. 

Our bachelor certificate is a loose certificate. Everyone can be a translator or interpreter and we only have Malay and English as our major. Malaysians are good in English and we have no other skills like machinery, mechanical, engineering, medical, pharmaceutical or anything related to technical fields. We can take those courses again maybe through GiatMara and we would waste our time and money just for certification and to be recognized in working world. I myself have to upgrade my certificate to other field because the field of our bachelor degree is so loose and now I have to face all of this while my thesis is still in the mess. We could go to editorial, journalism, translation institute, teaching, and others and we would have to compete with people who are taking those fields in their certificate like mass-com, chemistry, physics, english, malay, and others. It's not like we are choosing the job too. I had once worked as a waiter, a multi-tasked waiter who also makes drink, washing dishes, cleaning the compounds of the restaurant, and making sandwiches at three in the morning for the restaurant owned by a Chinese Muslim. I had been a stringer not for so long in Berita Harian and helping literature desk and being condemned by novel readers through email because wrong information as I am not a novel fan but I have to write it because of the task and responsibility. When I talked to Mat Med in the messenger about why are we studying for our bachelor degree? We still can't get proper job like those who drives lorry in the highway. He also said, I don't know what to tell people when people ask him about our certificate. We are even worse than those who were looked down by people around during the look east policy and heavy industry policy was at their peak, the religious study students in madrasas.  

As what I had talked before, dear teachers in schools, please never lie to your pupils... Being in the university does not mean that we are achieving ultimate success. Success is not in the certificate. It is more than that, when we see Him in the hereafter. Why can't we feel others' pain and sensitive to others' feelings? This is among the things that creating the society in the condition today. A society in the "hell." I had always listened to people say this notion when I mingled with buddhists listening to religious lectures, "rau pein kon tee sang narok nai tua ieng." We are those who created hell in ourselves. It means everything in the society is related to each other. If one had created foul things, the other will receive the impact of the act of the other. The same thing happens in either place. This is the law of karmma in buddhist concept. I am talking about my past knowledge regarding how I view the society and environment :'(

We are just ordinary human-being. Why it is so hard for people around to understand each other while we are the same human? Is it because our thinking is different or our living experience is different? Some might face little hardships in life? Some with lots of hardship? Different level of hardships? Facing hardships in different conditions?

I can be anything He wants me to be. Why do I have to worry about future when it is pre-destined for everyone? Maybe next year I would be dead who knows if it is written in Luh Mahfuz? I have a very high dignity, it is not proud or pride. I would feel insulted when people talk something which I had already think of for thousands or trillions of times because I am aware about that. If it is about things related to Him I would never feel intimidated. And worldly matters or anything related to it in His House is so insulting! I would prefer to talk about those things outside of the holy boundary! 

I had just said my repentance before Him and there it comes, my patience being tested by these fellow humans, ya Allahhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!! At the same time ustad Wan which is my old friend who joined the same Arabic class in the other mosque approached me and dad. Dad again asked him, "can't you recommend him to be a muadzin in this mosque?" Haiyoooyooooo........ Muka perambo sudah tebal lahhhh nak simpan mano lagi weh!!!!! Since I finished my first degree I had faced this kind of situation. If not dad who asked about this to others, then mum would ask people who came by at our house to recommend me for a job like I am incapable of doing things on my own but in the same time they would condemn me for the incapability that they had created. That also makes me rushing to find job in a security company as a supervisor few months before I get the offer to further master in the same university. I was so angry but I do not blame dad for raising up the issue. I know that he is affected by stroke and that makes his thinking quite unclear. But I guess he had been like that since he was healthy. 

I still remember he became so sincere with his friends and told everything including the embarrassing ones to them. I don't know what parents think of their children even if they are proud of their children. Telling everything about their children to others is not a good thing. Children have soul. I wonder, what parents or those who are now parents thinking of their children? Even if their children are still toddlers in their cradle? Some kind of dolls? Children are pets? We can cuddle them when we need them, and when we don't need them we may do anything we like to them? These children have no feeling? They possess no dignity? They have nothing to be ashamed of because they are children????????????? 

And if children are the children, parents could physically, internally or mentally abuse or hurting their children because they are parents? Making the children feel embarrassed of themselves in front of other with words in front of unknown people is righteous according to Quran and Sunnah? Children have no place in parents consideration because the power of forgiveness is in parents hand if children did something that hurts parents feeling while actually environment around them including the environment created by parents is the reason for the attitude of children? Children have no feeling? Aren't children too faithful brethren of parents? 

This is what I always mentioned as my disappointment in our Muslim community. As a revert from old ideology when I was in confusion, I feel so upset. When I try to talk to others to be aware about environment around, people's around feeling and thinking, I was misunderstood as a rebel and an ingrate. I always try to talk with manner proposed by Quran and Sunnah to others and I still avoid from parents to be shameful although they are the ones who makes me feel embarrassed of my self. 

What is so wrongggggg with us peopleee????????????!!!!!!! Now when I am feeling insulted, am I the one who is sinful to dad? I don't blame him nor anyone. I always pray for him to be forgiven by the Lord, how could I be a cruel son? I understand him and his situation, but I just had a quarrel with mum regarding dad's situation that she have to force dad to go to mosques while he can follow me to Tablighi Sulau closer to our house and nobody there knows him or me. I talked to her about the example of the situation that always happen in our life, my life, every child's life and it affects everything around. Can anyone around takes me or others as a lowly brother for himself or herself? Physically, I am a child to her, but in the soul I am her brother in faith. This is also a reason I don't like to perform obedience in a group especially with family but I encourage everyone into obedience. Because we know what will happen. Just perform everything step by step and we don't have to reform in a blink of eyes. I prefer to perform obedience without being known or seen. Not all of the people understand us. It is so tormenting, ya Allllaaaaaahhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

I'm feeling my heart is burning, pierced with swords, and tied with thorns. My face burns down and I can't look at people face anymore after this. Now I understand how prophet Isa a.s feels when he has to face "the believer" at his time who were divided to the Pharisee and Sadducee. After noble prophet Muhammad s.a.w returns to Him, I feel that it becomes more like Isa a.s era as what had been told in the writings of the apostles of prophet Isa a.s.  

Please forgive my sins ya Allah forgive sins of my parents, my grandparents, my ancestors, my brothers and sisters in faith. I know I am your filthy sinful creature, that's why I receive all of these. But be merciful to me, I am weak, incapable of anything because I am only a low creature :'(         

Allahumma salli 'alaa Muhammad, wa 'alaa aali Muhammad. Ka-maa sallaita 'alaa Ibraahim wa 'alaa aali Ibraahim. Allahumma baarik 'alaa Muhammad wa 'ala aali Muhammad, ka-maa baarak-ta 'alaa Ibrahim wa 'alaa aali Ibraahim. Fi-l 'aalameena inna-ka hameedum-majeed. 10000 x 

Dear Lord please be in contact with our prophet Muhammad s.a.w and his family. As you had been in contact with our father Abraham and his family. Our Lord, please bless our prophet Muhammad s.a.w and his family. As you had blessed our father Abraham and his family. In the universe, You are the only One who is worth the praises and glory. 10000 x

People Around's Experience: When Friends are Behind You

Assalaamu'alaikum wa Rahmatullah!

Please forgive me Azren, I'm going to talk about your experience today as an example in our observation toward our society and environment around. I hope you forgive me but your experience also reflects the reality in the society. As what I always talked about and we know since the beginning we explore these studies, society is among the most complex subject matter and environment around keep evolving and is not static.

Your message about being back-stabbed by close friends, being used like a balai raya when friends wanted to talk about their problems and backbitten by friends you were hanging out actually happens to many people. I have few experience since I was a young kid but as always. I never assume myself as important or significant in anyone's life. Currently, I am just honoring people around according to their piety to Allah and the compassionate love for those people will come itself.  But I don't want anyone to know me, never.

People will always trying to find someone to pour down what is in their heart when they are stressed out, finding solution for problem faced in their life, depressed, or at least sharing the burden to ease it. It is normal for us, we are human-being and not angels. But most of the time we are also listeners and comforting others since it is our task and responsibility as the believers to help strengthen the faith of brothers and sisters in faith if not with physical help, might be with the prayers. 

I encountered the same thing where I just wanted to talk to someone because each time I try to talk to my family members and people around, it will turn to be that I am the one who is listening and hearing rantings. Sometimes I tried to talk to others but later I would feel ashamed of myself. I think staying silent is good sometimes, and talking more with the God is better. Unless if you can talk with others who you really could trust. It is not easy to find this kind of people, we sure know that.

I went to Buddhist temples talking with phra phor (buddhist fathers) and pinong (buddhist brothers) watching them practicing muaythai before I decided myself to learn about Buddhism and its practices during the time I was 'dumped' by parents to Perlis for almost the same issue. I have no one to talk to. Nobody in the hostel at the school accept me as myself. It turns me to be more rebellious and shaped me as myself today. A guy with low-self esteem, who can't even showing my face to others and feeling down with myself. 

I just don't know why I knelt at the teachers' statues or gods posters of bodhisatvas during secondary school studentship while when I was a little kid like seven to eleven years old, I used to dump idols into thrash can especially after I heard the qisaasul anbiyaa' (stories of prophets) about our patriarch Abraham, peace be upon him. I had also being chased by those fellow infidels themselves with fierce dogs because of my little kid naughty acts, hehehehhehehehe...

I understand how you feel, friend. You won't easily find a caring friend who will sensitively responds to what happened to his or her friend. When I first learned Central Thai dialect which is the formal Thai, there was a diction lesson with the title friendship. We call friendship as mittraphap. It says that good friends are few, while evil friends are many. Those who are good will lead you toward charity while those who are bad will drag you toward evil and bap/papa (sins). Malay philosophical phrase also says, kawan semasa senang tertawa memang ada sahaja disekeliling mung. Kawan semasa susah menangis mung, jarang lah ditemui. 

I don't believe in friendship as what we see today anymore as I am a loner although I watch many movies with friendship themes. I don't have any childhood friends, university friends, friends in difficulties or in pleasure time. I solely have my trust in Allah 'Azza wa Jalla as the sole Noblest Wali (guardian and companion) because I am meaningless in people's life. I can move easily without anyone know me. I may go to churches and temples and reciting holy verses there for the 'infidels' to be blessed by Allah 'Azza wa Jalla with His Mercy. I may also talk with hounds at the streets, those whom people never appreciate their existence.

Be patient friend. As long as we breath, Allah 'Azza wa Jalla will always giving tests to us. He knows that we can pass it through even though we sometimes think that we would better quickly die and see Him without having to wait. He tests us because He cares about us. Compared to worldly friends. 

We may have thousands of friends, but it is difficult for people to remember us even in their du'as (supplications). Or contacting us just to ask how are you? Are you ok? How is your imaan (faith)? Is it ok? Are you alive or dead? Or perhaps it would be too late like the poem that I had read in the last posting. It is just for silaturrahim and it doesn't need to be in form of wasting our credits with messages, phone calling, but it may also be through the usage of other technologies like wifi, messengers and email. Maybe through cards or primitive way which is letter... I did that with my lecturers even those who are non-Muslims receive cards or emails as long as I still keep their contacts. Maybe in term of supplications too when we remember our friends or brethren. It's not like we have to do that everyday. But at least for few years gap once if we are so busy with our life. For brethren in faith, it is more important to keep silaturrahim as everyone are a family in a faith to Him and His messenger s.a.w. I hate to be close to everyone because I will feel sinful after I have to break off silaturrahim when everyone goes separate ways :'( 

In my Aman desa memory, I tried to contact few friends too. Those who I mingled most of the time at the hostel. I love the hostel because I get to know them. But after our graduation, like a year after... I tried to contact them to establish silaturrahim. From their question like, sapa dia nih? And the answer that I received after having to re-introduce myself brings me to conclusion that they do not really remember who I am although I talked with them almost everyday in front of the TV and we have each other numbers. It shows that they do not really care or having any thought about people around. For people like these, I would just quit and deleting their contact because I know it would be a waste for my limited cellphone space. I don't know whether it is right according to the rites of community but it is somehow disappointing. As to say, different head thinks differently. Each time we are among people, we would just assume that we are musafirs (travelers) who will leave everything. Easy right? 

I have few pieces of advice from another friend who is also a loner to share among us. He called it as pieces of sheet, haha. This is the kind of friends that I have to always mingle with and still maintaining the contact but I have to turn every 'negativity' that they possess into positivity and to Him. His opinion might be a bit harsh but I can say quite useful. This friend said that it maybe is not in line with my principle. As for me, I always ponder on people's opinion regarding life and surrounding. It doesn't necessarily to be the same with my thoughts or principles. So, I don't think that it is a problem if he talks based from his experience or observation. 

He says that sometimes when we do physical (which we can see with our mortal eyes) charity to people, we need to also limit it or better be selfish in term of let people see us as selfish. Whatever charity that we perform does not always physically comes to us as good thing in our eyes. I am aware about this... It is better for us to just forget everything because when we remember unfortunate episodes in our life, it would be a heavy burden you'll piss off yourself. The damage is already done and to forgive is to forget. Whining like a bitch would be useless as nothing that we can do about the past. We could only take it as an important lesson for future.... 

His advice to me is actually filled with more profanities but I would celebrate his opinion. I had just filtered it to respect His Noblest Name and I can understand what he means through tasawwuf and purification of soul lenses although the usage of words aren't really suitable. I am performing jihad and da'awa to him too. We have to be patient and the result of jihad is not in one day : )

May the God forgives us our dirty words. May He strengthen us with His wisdom and patience to face our uncertain future. He knows about the future, and we give our vessel and soul to Him for protection. Laa takhaf, wa laa tahzan innallaaha ma'anaa. No need to be afraid, and no need to be sad as the God is with us. Sealed with prayers for peace, mercy, and love for brothers and sisters in faith, amin!

Internship in KL

Assalaamu'alaikum wa Rahmatullah!

Tomorrow am gonna sign few papers for internship and fieldwork at the Institute of Diplomatic and Foreign Relation (IDFR) and they would also appoint me for a supervisor. It's not really a must for this course but I learned from my previous experience during my first degree where I didn't take the fieldwork and I have no connection with the people in my previous field. 

I had also heard stories told by my friend, Azren and other girls whom were my classmates doing their intern in the National Translation Institute (ITNM) that we would just dream off to live easily in the field as we are no better compared to those in the organization with other knowledge and skills. Azren is also a senior of mine in this postgraduate studies I'm currently taking. 

Now I regret for sending my resume to the IDFR and they had replied me accepting my application to learn from their organization. Because I had also made an appointment at 8th of June at 15.00 with my research supervisor. I have to return to Penang. Didn't get to book flight ticket yet and got no gold in my account. I had made promise with Dr. Noraida and I don't like to break it. It would also affect my research and I can't stand any longer stranded in USM no more. I think I may also need to learn about computer and programming for my future, if He permits it because I can't live like a cave man or in the middle ages anymore. 

I pray to Lord as to make everything easy for me tomorrow and this week. Make everything runs smoothly without obstacles and give me confidence to be in the public. I had been in isolation for long and it somehow took away my confidence to have contact with publics. Maybe I should also take 'Emad the Palestinian, my classmate as an inspiration in term of confidence although he actually knows nothing too, lol. Sealed with prayers for mercy, peace, and love, amin!

Is He really far from me????

Assalaamu'alaikum wa Rahmatullah!

Why human always committing sins and vices? Why I am always committing sins and vice? I know that sin and vice is wrong but why I am postponing the repentance and penance? Is it because I feel that Allah Glory be to Him is far from me? Is He is far from my reach? Why human seldom pray to Him and being dependent to Him by lifting the hands begging Him to help us?

Is it because we could not see Him with our physical eyes? So, we are not confident that He is actually with us? It is like He is very far from us and maybe He would be late in helping us if we pray to Him for solutions in our daily problem? Why we are not able to relate our whole life with the God?

Is it because the God is far from us? So we feel that it is meaningless and pointless to relate our life matters with something or someone which is far from our reach? Whom we are not certain would be happy or not with our success? Whom we are not certain would be sad or happy with disaster that happened on us. Whom we are not sure would recompensate us or not with our penance and charity done? Because He is far from us that makes us feel worried and living in this suffocating state? Is He really far from us?

This kind of thing always happen to us no matter if we are Muslim or not. For Atheists, I am sure they are the God of themselves so they would depend only on their selves. But those who proclaim themselves as the believer of the God are those who depend on Him nontheless they feel He is far or close to them. The question is whether He is far or not from us?????

In this question of the relationship between the creatures and their Creator, the creatures are in the side of those who are hoping while the Giver is the God. So, the answer for this should come from the scripture where He reveals about Himself. We could check the answer in surah al-Baqarah verse 186, surah Qaaf verse 16, and surah al-Baqarah verse 214. 

Some people might argue whether God is close to us as if He is really beside us, or His knowledge is very close to us? For some people this argument should not be a headache for them. They would accept that the God is close to them without any further questions. They do not even care whether He close in the real sense or close to them in His knowledge because nothing would be less if they are in one of those circumstances. The most important thing is that He is close to them. The God never lies in His words and promises. How the God is close to us is not our problem. It is His job.

The God has heralded that He is indeed very close to His servants. He also says that He never lies to His servants. Thus, the matter of how close or far He is from us is actually the matter of our faith to Him. If we want to be confident that He is watching us, He is listening to us, He is all Knower, He is Powerful, He is Mighty, all is on us. There is no one to force us to believe this but it is in our nature. There is also no one to force us to obey Him but it is our choice. The Truth won't change with our choice. If we choose not to believe that God is indeed with us, then the Truth that He is indeed close to us would not change.

Even if the whole world do not believe in His existence, He still exists. Those who believe will enter the paradise although the whole world torturing them. Those who do not believe will enter the jahannam (place of torment) even if the whole world loves them (al-Baqarah verse 256).

Those who believes in Him would see the sign of His existence or feeling it. If they believe that He is close, then they would feel Him. The choice is in our hand and not on others' to believe with the genuine faith.He is indeed close and not far from our reach. He listens to us and watching us. This faith would help us to continue to another step. When we believe that He is close and not only exists, He is watching us, listening to us, and supporting us then we could strive to face this world. We could also perform obedience to Him in a better way. When we are alone then we are in the state of difficulty. But when we are with a companion, we are stronger than alone. In addition He who is our Companion is the One who could not even be defeated by anyone in the Universe. He is the King without crown!

We could see in the da'awa performed by the messenger of God, Muhammad (saw). The problem of faith is the first being solved. So, how does our faith look like?

When we already confident that He is indeed close, our anxiety would fade away. We face difficulties and happiness in this life with preserverance. When we are sad, we know to whom we should complain. And when we are happy, we know to whom we should be thankful. When we are in difficulties, we know to whom we should ask for help and when we are in happiness we know to whom we should express our happiness.

We would also feel ashamed to do destructions and vices in society and the world with this faith. Imagine if we steal something and others are watching us, would we continue with that act? The same thing happens, when we are in vices. Wouldn't we feel ashame to Him who is watching us? Although when we commit sins and vices due to forgetfulness and carelesness, we would return with repentance and penitence to to Him.

Ibrahim Adham had said to a man who wants to commit vice: "you may commit it but with a condition where you could find a place where He could not see you." Where can we find such a place? Everything in this Universe is under His supervision. He is all Powerful and covering everything (al-Fussilat verse 54).

When we are in anxiety, do not feel shy to cry in front of Him although we couldn't see Him. He is very close and His assistance is everywhere. Quickly be in contact with Him when we are in difficulties. He is very close to us compared to our friends around. When we are all confident with these, we would feel the grace.

I have this question, why I had performed penitence and everything but I do not get anything??? Sometimes there is a kind of situation where He delays His help. It is called as tests and tribulations. In arabic, we call this as al-fitan. Sometimes He does not giving the things that we asked, but we should also realize that we are no one to Him. We have no rights to demand Him! We our selves do not know what is good or bad for us but He knows it more. Whatever He gives to us is the best due to His knowledge. This is confidence. 

Do not worry with the natijah (result). We only need to worry about our efforts. His Will, after the efforts then the results would proceed. Any result that He has decreed is the best. When we are confident with this, then our suffocating due to the time framing for our supplications, difficulties faced in life, anxiety, and worry would be solved without we even realize it.

Sometimes we want everything to be in order according to what we demand and we want to know the result in a blink of the eyes but we do not have the knowldge like Him. Maybe we only know about certain things which are good for us in 10 years to come or longer. But when we realize about this, everything had gone. Just like what I had experienced when we could not accept the fact : (

He is full of Love and Mercy to His servants. Why not we try to be close to Him even in a little step? Aren't we stingy with our moves? Aren't we ashame to Him to behave like that? He who possess everything is not stingy to be close to us but why we who are dependent to Him never make any move to approach Him???????!!!!! We only have to move one step and He is closer to us in an analogy of 1000 steps as He loves us. Who else the best representative for us in this world except Him (surah aal-'Emraan vs. 173).

Don't delay the move to be close to Him. We are in the period of near resurrection and destruction. We are also not safe from death in this temporary life. We do not want to lose His blessings so may everyone being saved. Let us live with Him, feel that He is close to us. People who lives with God will always be successful in this life and the hereafter. 

God please be in contact with prophet Muhammad (saw) and his family and his companions and all of the good nations. May everyone receives blessings, success and guidance. Sealed with prayers for peace and love and mercy.

How does it feel when we have a good or close friend?

Assalaamu'alaikum wa Rahmatullah!

Wayne Chia

I begin this post with praises to Allah and humility. May Allah bless me, beloved faithful brothers and sisters with bountiful of wisdom from His boundless Wisdom.

I had finished the paper for SAE515 European External Policy last Friday. I do not know whether I did well or not. But I guess I had tried hard enough to do well. The rest will be the Divine intervention to help me. I do not have any ability to excel without the help of Allah and everything is already decreed. I will harvest what I had worked on. I still have to represent my proposal and answering German paper level 100 (Beginner). 

I actually have no friends here, not even a close friend to be a company. So I can't help feeling lonely and envious looking at groups of people talking and laugh among each other at restaurant, or discussing about the affiliations or values that they share in musalla. I tried to develop relationship with people in musalla but it is not a close relationship. We just shake hands sometimes after the congregational prayers end in musalla and walk away. I feel so shy to talk to people, plus some of the congregation member in musalla is from Jama'at Tabligh. Although I learned religious knowledge in my three years secondary schooling time and for some times in Syariah stream before shifting to secular education but I still feel myself lower than others. Especially when I heard that they have more priviledge in front of Allah because of their efforts, and I have nothing to offer to Allah except trying to be sincere to Allah. I feel more down, with my experience which was not really good as others although I believe many encounters this kind of problem too. 

I do not intend to insult myself, I know this feeling is not good. But that is what I feel. I am not like a quiet person if I know people well. I could talk about many things, breaking out laugh with jokes that I feel comfortable to talk but when I encounter people who talk about religion or about God all the time like JT kids, it would be quiet difficult for me. Because some of them are still in the stage of learning. I am also afraid that I would hurt them with questions or comments that I have even though I do not care about what people want to think about myself or talk about me. I do think in a complicated way sometimes because of my past experience, so those who are not familiar with me might think that I have something broken in my head, hurting them or talking nonsense. Because of taking care about brothers feeling, I have to think many times and observe first before breaking the silence.  

I do not have problem to talk with congregation from the Mid East although I am not comfortable with some of their attitudes but those in the university mosque congregation are quite polite to people and they conduct religious lecture and readings from kitaab. I am familiar with Mid Easterners culture and customs but I prefer to talk to compatriot better. The congregation of Mid Easterners are in the university mosque and it is far from my hostel. That is why I have to pray congregational prayers in musalla in the lowest level of the hostel.

I remember the last time I had a good friend is when I was in standard four. At that time, my father served the state government office as a press secretary of the Kedah state chief minister. At that time, we also had a photo shop but it did not work well because of the capital shortage and few problems, so we have to close the shop. We are the only "bumiputera" who opened photo shop in Jitra competing with Chinese owned photo shops. I was schooled for a while in Sekolah Rendah Ahmad Tajuddin in Jitra. I had a close friend, whom I called as Saiful. He was the one who began to talk to a quiet boy who was me. I never start greeting anyone until others' greet me first except if I feel the need for me to greet then I would greet and be friendly like what happened with me and brother Idris during Ramadan 2010. I and Saiful had once been close friends in a year schooling time before I have to move to Selangor together with our parents. Particularly in Hulu Langat. There, I was schooled in Sekolah Rendah Batu 9. I have no close friend anymore since then because of the difference in culture problem and it always not easy for young kids to adapt with new environment, taking into account that we always moved here and there. I just have classmates whom I just meet when I was in the class but not for any other sharing activities anymore like before. 

Then, when I was in third year doing my first bachelor degree. I met my close friend when I was in standard four again which is Saiful. He is eager to continue having a contact with me but he had bring his girlfriend with him when we met at my neighborhood. I feel quite shy to talk with him because for such a long time we did not meet each other and he came with his girlfriend. 

And then the way he talk too is different to when we were kids because that was different thing. Now we are adults. I do not feel close anymore. So, I do not talk to him anymore after we met although for few times he tried to contact me. Maybe times changing him or perhaps it is me who is changing.

I do not have any good opportunity to build relationship with others because my parents especially my mother is quite stifling with me. Maybe because I am the only son. I did not have any chance to be naughty outside with friends although I was quite naughty at home. Now, I thought that I have not acquire the art to make friends anymore. But when I was in the first year bachelor degree, I made friend with a guy from Jitra. He was my colleague in our course. I treat him just like my blood brother or cousin although I have no brother nor I am close to my own cousins. We talked about many things including I listened to his exposure to me about music. But when holidays come, he never offers me to join him visiting his family like other friends did. Maybe he is shy of his family, I also have the same feeling because I have sisters. I could not bring male friend home, because of my sisters. Now I still contacting him, but it is not like before because of distance perhaps or maybe he has his own problem. May Allah makes everything easy for him.

When I am at home, my sisters can't be good listeners. When they have problems, I can be their place to say anything that they want. I just keep my problems to my self and chanting prayers to Allah may He be Merciful releasing me from psychological burden of the problem to befit in the society. My experiences of a confused background had shaped me to be like this and it is very difficult to express it out.

Now I just try to establish good relation with kids from Jama'at Tabligh in congregation although I sometimes do not feel comfortable when they are in high spirit and forgetting around. I saw them having good relationship and communicate well among each other that made me interested to be close although in the beginning it was not me who approach them.

But when I see myself, I just see a poor hermit in me. I do not know how to express it in words but I guess that is the closest picture that I have for my self. But there are certain barriers too. Like I am just alone, I have no close friend together like them in the movement. So, how does it feel when we have a good or close friend? I had forgotten it, or might be I never feel it at all.

Ending this simple post on Sunday, I would like to beg Allah to please do not leave me alone. I do not have anyone in this cruel world in its pretentious colors. I only have Allah 'Azza wa Jalla. Please Allah at least let me have a good friend to company me when I stay in rest in barzakh, since I have no close friend to talk about my sadness or my happiness in this world.

Let me stay with Your Words as my company when I go to see You. I am longing to see You my dear Lord. Please have Mercy on me O holy God, I am your poor slave. I have nothing to be proud of, I have nobody to talk with, I only have You. Please may my lowly prayers be heard O Holy God, only You are my Strength. Praises to Allah may it stop not from my unworthy lips.        

Upcoming Research Proposal

Assalaamu'alaikum w rahmatullah!!!

First of all, I pray that no one will never ever encounter troubles like I have in these first few weeks. Nobody deserves it. The day for my mini-thesis for master degree presentation is almost close. It will be in January 11th (Safar 7th) and I will have to present them twice. The presentation on 11th is only the beginning while I still have time to amend the features in my research if I passed it. But it would be a great trouble and sinful for me if I can't get through it because I will feel guilty to Allah in the first place for humiliating His sacred trust and later to both of my parents and to myself.

Frankly speaking, I have no idea on what should I do. I had been thinking and doing my readings on what to do since last semester but I didn't get any clue about this so-called Union. European Union studies looks like a concrete studies with its theoretical framework although it eveloves according to time. Besides, I have to deal with research questions or problem statements and data analysis methods. It is quite tough for a beginner like me because I was a translation and interpretation student from the School of Humanity majoring in Malay and English. Not a Political Science nor from any Social Science background. I may have ample knowledge about the translation of Quran or Bible into English or Malay, those methods used in interpreting sentences or translating texts and whom are the famous translator like Nida or orator like Cicero. But for political theories or administrative field, ana zero (I am zero) like in a Moroccan saying.

Many would think that why am I taking a field which I am not familiar with for further degree. The reason is that I wanted to change my course. I had few bitter experience with my past lecturer. It is not because I have problems with them but it is regarding principles. Also, translation and interpretation especially of Malay and English is not so prominent in Malaysia. Well, everyone speaks English well or at least could understand that so according to economic principle, no necessity, no service. So, I think that changing the course in the same university would be a beginning for a new future but it is not as easy as I thought. May Allah forgive us our past sins, and may Allah forgive me for being selfish.

Last Friday night, after my Sibtis-Salaam (the peaceful Saturday, the time to remember Allah and reciting holy verses from holy Quran as a service to souls of deceased brothers, sisters, and ancestors). I had been thinking of doing a research about the relationship between China and European Union in political and economic term but then I checked the title with my respective classmate through a message. She said that she's planning to do the same topic, so I have to change to other topic and theme because I had just gotten the idea while she had planned to do that since the whole last semester. Anyway, I am happy for her and I am sure that I won't take away her happiness although I feel that my heart was like going to jump out of my chest after knowing that I have to change my topic.

For a moment I sat down on the floor to respect twice holy times and lamenting myself for being a useless guy. 

This verse from Surah Maryam verse 23 comes out of my mind. It reminds me that the torments and the tests which Maryam, the mother of prophet 'Isa (as) had received  and experienced are heavier than mine, she was alone and nobody to share with her sorrow: "And the pains of childbirth drove her to the trunk of a palm-tree: she cried (in anguish to herself), oh dear!! Would that I had died before this! Would I had been a thing forgotten and out of sight!"

I did have the same thought as what had been told in the surah. I feel that I am useless at that time where I can't think of nothing. I just feel that I have to disappear from others sight or not even born in this world. But as to say, Maryam is strong woman. If she is a woman, then, why should I be weaker than her? She had to suddenly pregnant and receiving this heavy task from Allah SWT. This thesis is nothing compared to what she had gone through, nothing at all.May Allah bless Maryam al-'Adzraa'.   

And suddenly an inspiration came out to me. I have got an idea. I will do some humble service to Muslim nation and community. The first principle that should always be in our mind is, no selfishness! Sacrifice ourselves for others, for Allah path and for the service of Allah. Nothing to lose in this world, the glory appearance of Allah is worthy than anything in this "dream." 

I would do a research on something about law, human rights, discrimination, and Islamophobe in Europe. Last time I had read something about the late Marwa el-Sherbini (may Allah be merciful to her soul). She is an Egyptian born pharmacist and most of all, a poor Muslim sister. She was stabbed to death by a Russian immigrant in the court during a court proceeding. She was verbally insulted by the guy in a small quarrel in a park in Dreisden. Or I might talk about the ban of Burqa or Niqab in Europe and how does it affect the diversity of Europe, is it parallel with their so-called motto unity in diversity or whether it is just a rhetoric? 

Subhanallah!!! There are actually many issues that we could talk and elaborate on concerning the modern Europe. I thought that I can't relate it with the old Europe before WWII and I am going to stuck in this varsity forever or being kicked out for not completing my degree and facing humiliation before Allah.

For now, I will follow the advice of a lecturer from research methodology class. Doing some reading, and I will try to stay calm insyaa-Allah although only Allah knows the turbulence in my heart.

May Allah forgive us our daily sins forgiving my false speech,  but guiding me to His true path. Grant us serenity and may His glory strucks obstacles in our way to see Him. Allah bless our holy prophet Muhammad (saw), Allah bless his family, and Allah please bless all of his companions, his disciples, and his followers the faithful Muslims, Ameeen!!!!