I begin this post with praises to Allah and humility. May Allah bless me, beloved faithful brothers and sisters with bountiful of wisdom from His boundless Wisdom.
I had finished the paper for SAE515 European External Policy last Friday. I do not know whether I did well or not. But I guess I had tried hard enough to do well. The rest will be the Divine intervention to help me. I do not have any ability to excel without the help of Allah and everything is already decreed. I will harvest what I had worked on. I still have to represent my proposal and answering German paper level 100 (Beginner).
I actually have no friends here, not even a close friend to be a company. So I can't help feeling lonely and envious looking at groups of people talking and laugh among each other at restaurant, or discussing about the affiliations or values that they share in musalla. I tried to develop relationship with people in musalla but it is not a close relationship. We just shake hands sometimes after the congregational prayers end in musalla and walk away. I feel so shy to talk to people, plus some of the congregation member in musalla is from Jama'at Tabligh. Although I learned religious knowledge in my three years secondary schooling time and for some times in Syariah stream before shifting to secular education but I still feel myself lower than others. Especially when I heard that they have more priviledge in front of Allah because of their efforts, and I have nothing to offer to Allah except trying to be sincere to Allah. I feel more down, with my experience which was not really good as others although I believe many encounters this kind of problem too.
I do not intend to insult myself, I know this feeling is not good. But that is what I feel. I am not like a quiet person if I know people well. I could talk about many things, breaking out laugh with jokes that I feel comfortable to talk but when I encounter people who talk about religion or about God all the time like JT kids, it would be quiet difficult for me. Because some of them are still in the stage of learning. I am also afraid that I would hurt them with questions or comments that I have even though I do not care about what people want to think about myself or talk about me. I do think in a complicated way sometimes because of my past experience, so those who are not familiar with me might think that I have something broken in my head, hurting them or talking nonsense. Because of taking care about brothers feeling, I have to think many times and observe first before breaking the silence.
I do not have problem to talk with congregation from the Mid East although I am not comfortable with some of their attitudes but those in the university mosque congregation are quite polite to people and they conduct religious lecture and readings from kitaab. I am familiar with Mid Easterners culture and customs but I prefer to talk to compatriot better. The congregation of Mid Easterners are in the university mosque and it is far from my hostel. That is why I have to pray congregational prayers in musalla in the lowest level of the hostel.
I remember the last time I had a good friend is when I was in standard four. At that time, my father served the state government office as a press secretary of the Kedah state chief minister. At that time, we also had a photo shop but it did not work well because of the capital shortage and few problems, so we have to close the shop. We are the only "bumiputera" who opened photo shop in Jitra competing with Chinese owned photo shops. I was schooled for a while in Sekolah Rendah Ahmad Tajuddin in Jitra. I had a close friend, whom I called as Saiful. He was the one who began to talk to a quiet boy who was me. I never start greeting anyone until others' greet me first except if I feel the need for me to greet then I would greet and be friendly like what happened with me and brother Idris during Ramadan 2010. I and Saiful had once been close friends in a year schooling time before I have to move to Selangor together with our parents. Particularly in Hulu Langat. There, I was schooled in Sekolah Rendah Batu 9. I have no close friend anymore since then because of the difference in culture problem and it always not easy for young kids to adapt with new environment, taking into account that we always moved here and there. I just have classmates whom I just meet when I was in the class but not for any other sharing activities anymore like before.
Then, when I was in third year doing my first bachelor degree. I met my close friend when I was in standard four again which is Saiful. He is eager to continue having a contact with me but he had bring his girlfriend with him when we met at my neighborhood. I feel quite shy to talk with him because for such a long time we did not meet each other and he came with his girlfriend.
And then the way he talk too is different to when we were kids because that was different thing. Now we are adults. I do not feel close anymore. So, I do not talk to him anymore after we met although for few times he tried to contact me. Maybe times changing him or perhaps it is me who is changing.
I do not have any good opportunity to build relationship with others because my parents especially my mother is quite stifling with me. Maybe because I am the only son. I did not have any chance to be naughty outside with friends although I was quite naughty at home. Now, I thought that I have not acquire the art to make friends anymore. But when I was in the first year bachelor degree, I made friend with a guy from Jitra. He was my colleague in our course. I treat him just like my blood brother or cousin although I have no brother nor I am close to my own cousins. We talked about many things including I listened to his exposure to me about music. But when holidays come, he never offers me to join him visiting his family like other friends did. Maybe he is shy of his family, I also have the same feeling because I have sisters. I could not bring male friend home, because of my sisters. Now I still contacting him, but it is not like before because of distance perhaps or maybe he has his own problem. May Allah makes everything easy for him.
When I am at home, my sisters can't be good listeners. When they have problems, I can be their place to say anything that they want. I just keep my problems to my self and chanting prayers to Allah may He be Merciful releasing me from psychological burden of the problem to befit in the society. My experiences of a confused background had shaped me to be like this and it is very difficult to express it out.
Now I just try to establish good relation with kids from Jama'at Tabligh in congregation although I sometimes do not feel comfortable when they are in high spirit and forgetting around. I saw them having good relationship and communicate well among each other that made me interested to be close although in the beginning it was not me who approach them.
But when I see myself, I just see a poor hermit in me. I do not know how to express it in words but I guess that is the closest picture that I have for my self. But there are certain barriers too. Like I am just alone, I have no close friend together like them in the movement. So, how does it feel when we have a good or close friend? I had forgotten it, or might be I never feel it at all.
Ending this simple post on Sunday, I would like to beg Allah to please do not leave me alone. I do not have anyone in this cruel world in its pretentious colors. I only have Allah 'Azza wa Jalla. Please Allah at least let me have a good friend to company me when I stay in rest in barzakh, since I have no close friend to talk about my sadness or my happiness in this world.
Let me stay with Your Words as my company when I go to see You. I am longing to see You my dear Lord. Please have Mercy on me O holy God, I am your poor slave. I have nothing to be proud of, I have nobody to talk with, I only have You. Please may my lowly prayers be heard O Holy God, only You are my Strength. Praises to Allah may it stop not from my unworthy lips.