Assalaamu'alaikum wa Rahmatullah!
Please forgive me Azren, I'm going to talk about your experience today as an example in our observation toward our society and environment around. I hope you forgive me but your experience also reflects the reality in the society. As what I always talked about and we know since the beginning we explore these studies, society is among the most complex subject matter and environment around keep evolving and is not static.
Your message about being back-stabbed by close friends, being used like a balai raya when friends wanted to talk about their problems and backbitten by friends you were hanging out actually happens to many people. I have few experience since I was a young kid but as always. I never assume myself as important or significant in anyone's life. Currently, I am just honoring people around according to their piety to Allah and the compassionate love for those people will come itself. But I don't want anyone to know me, never.
People will always trying to find someone to pour down what is in their heart when they are stressed out, finding solution for problem faced in their life, depressed, or at least sharing the burden to ease it. It is normal for us, we are human-being and not angels. But most of the time we are also listeners and comforting others since it is our task and responsibility as the believers to help strengthen the faith of brothers and sisters in faith if not with physical help, might be with the prayers.
I encountered the same thing where I just wanted to talk to someone because each time I try to talk to my family members and people around, it will turn to be that I am the one who is listening and hearing rantings. Sometimes I tried to talk to others but later I would feel ashamed of myself. I think staying silent is good sometimes, and talking more with the God is better. Unless if you can talk with others who you really could trust. It is not easy to find this kind of people, we sure know that.
I went to Buddhist temples talking with phra phor (buddhist fathers) and pinong (buddhist brothers) watching them practicing muaythai before I decided myself to learn about Buddhism and its practices during the time I was 'dumped' by parents to Perlis for almost the same issue. I have no one to talk to. Nobody in the hostel at the school accept me as myself. It turns me to be more rebellious and shaped me as myself today. A guy with low-self esteem, who can't even showing my face to others and feeling down with myself.
I just don't know why I knelt at the teachers' statues or gods posters of bodhisatvas during secondary school studentship while when I was a little kid like seven to eleven years old, I used to dump idols into thrash can especially after I heard the qisaasul anbiyaa' (stories of prophets) about our patriarch Abraham, peace be upon him. I had also being chased by those fellow infidels themselves with fierce dogs because of my little kid naughty acts, hehehehhehehehe...
I understand how you feel, friend. You won't easily find a caring friend who will sensitively responds to what happened to his or her friend. When I first learned Central Thai dialect which is the formal Thai, there was a diction lesson with the title friendship. We call friendship as mittraphap. It says that good friends are few, while evil friends are many. Those who are good will lead you toward charity while those who are bad will drag you toward evil and bap/papa (sins). Malay philosophical phrase also says, kawan semasa senang tertawa memang ada sahaja disekeliling mung. Kawan semasa susah menangis mung, jarang lah ditemui.
I don't believe in friendship as what we see today anymore as I am a loner although I watch many movies with friendship themes. I don't have any childhood friends, university friends, friends in difficulties or in pleasure time. I solely have my trust in Allah 'Azza wa Jalla as the sole Noblest Wali (guardian and companion) because I am meaningless in people's life. I can move easily without anyone know me. I may go to churches and temples and reciting holy verses there for the 'infidels' to be blessed by Allah 'Azza wa Jalla with His Mercy. I may also talk with hounds at the streets, those whom people never appreciate their existence.
Be patient friend. As long as we breath, Allah 'Azza wa Jalla will always giving tests to us. He knows that we can pass it through even though we sometimes think that we would better quickly die and see Him without having to wait. He tests us because He cares about us. Compared to worldly friends.
We may have thousands of friends, but it is difficult for people to remember us even in their du'as (supplications). Or contacting us just to ask how are you? Are you ok? How is your imaan (faith)? Is it ok? Are you alive or dead? Or perhaps it would be too late like the poem that I had read in the last posting. It is just for silaturrahim and it doesn't need to be in form of wasting our credits with messages, phone calling, but it may also be through the usage of other technologies like wifi, messengers and email. Maybe through cards or primitive way which is letter... I did that with my lecturers even those who are non-Muslims receive cards or emails as long as I still keep their contacts. Maybe in term of supplications too when we remember our friends or brethren. It's not like we have to do that everyday. But at least for few years gap once if we are so busy with our life. For brethren in faith, it is more important to keep silaturrahim as everyone are a family in a faith to Him and His messenger s.a.w. I hate to be close to everyone because I will feel sinful after I have to break off silaturrahim when everyone goes separate ways :'(
In my Aman desa memory, I tried to contact few friends too. Those who I mingled most of the time at the hostel. I love the hostel because I get to know them. But after our graduation, like a year after... I tried to contact them to establish silaturrahim. From their question like, sapa dia nih? And the answer that I received after having to re-introduce myself brings me to conclusion that they do not really remember who I am although I talked with them almost everyday in front of the TV and we have each other numbers. It shows that they do not really care or having any thought about people around. For people like these, I would just quit and deleting their contact because I know it would be a waste for my limited cellphone space. I don't know whether it is right according to the rites of community but it is somehow disappointing. As to say, different head thinks differently. Each time we are among people, we would just assume that we are musafirs (travelers) who will leave everything. Easy right?
I have few pieces of advice from another friend who is also a loner to share among us. He called it as pieces of sheet, haha. This is the kind of friends that I have to always mingle with and still maintaining the contact but I have to turn every 'negativity' that they possess into positivity and to Him. His opinion might be a bit harsh but I can say quite useful. This friend said that it maybe is not in line with my principle. As for me, I always ponder on people's opinion regarding life and surrounding. It doesn't necessarily to be the same with my thoughts or principles. So, I don't think that it is a problem if he talks based from his experience or observation.
He says that sometimes when we do physical (which we can see with our mortal eyes) charity to people, we need to also limit it or better be selfish in term of let people see us as selfish. Whatever charity that we perform does not always physically comes to us as good thing in our eyes. I am aware about this... It is better for us to just forget everything because when we remember unfortunate episodes in our life, it would be a heavy burden you'll piss off yourself. The damage is already done and to forgive is to forget. Whining like a bitch would be useless as nothing that we can do about the past. We could only take it as an important lesson for future....
His advice to me is actually filled with more profanities but I would celebrate his opinion. I had just filtered it to respect His Noblest Name and I can understand what he means through tasawwuf and purification of soul lenses although the usage of words aren't really suitable. I am performing jihad and da'awa to him too. We have to be patient and the result of jihad is not in one day : )
May the God forgives us our dirty words. May He strengthen us with His wisdom and patience to face our uncertain future. He knows about the future, and we give our vessel and soul to Him for protection. Laa takhaf, wa laa tahzan innallaaha ma'anaa. No need to be afraid, and no need to be sad as the God is with us. Sealed with prayers for peace, mercy, and love for brothers and sisters in faith, amin!