Sustainablity Workshop

Assalamu'alaikum wa rahmatullah

Some more picture of me... I had to cover my face because it is so ...... ....... , haha.. With me were Momoyo Seki, that cute sister on my left side and Kobayashi Yusuke. Both of them of course from the name we could obviously see that they are from Japan, ahaha. They presented about the river maintenance in Japan and sharing some knowledge with us about their strategies for a clean pure environment. I had also met a Myanmar army who studied in Yokohama University but could not get the opportunity to snap with him our photo together, haha. I love to listen his stories about Myanmar.     

The workshop was conducted in collaboration with the Yokohama University from 29-30 September 2010. Behind there were Ong Wenpei and Celia Perez Abellan, both of them were my colleagues in European studies batch 2010-2012. Thankful to Dr. Zainalabiddin, our Global Political Economy lecturer though he was an intelligent guy but he was generous to share with us his knowledge on economic and political theories.

Sealed with prayers for mercy, peace and love, amin!

Undergraduate Class

Assalaamu'alaikum wa rahmatullah!

Just a picture that I have from our class. The truth is I had never capture any picture of mine during schooling times nor during undergraduate period. Just got this from colleague, brother Amir and he took it from other sites of our classmates, lol...

Urm, I cannot remember all of their names... We never really mingle together because the class was divided into groups. One group of students went against one another. I am with brother Amir because he is my Kedah state compatriot. I could say that I was quite racist at that time and strictly mingled with Kedah, Kelantan, some students from Besut in Terengganu and Thais, ahaha...  This is around 2008-2009 while I studied Translation and Interpretation studies where the basic languages were Malay and English. Right now I am still practicing these studies and translated many things which also include both Muslim and non-Muslim wisdom. I still keep some of the notes and rewriting them again as to preserve and to spread it out to other Muslim brothers and sisters.

I do not mix with other students in the class and have problems with some lecturers because I was also an orthodox Muslim guy. I respect Friday and the calculation of the holy day for me begins from Thursday evening up to Sunday dawn. My German language lecturer surprisingly understood me but Malay Muslims do not understand me and our rituals. 

Usually we, observant orthodox Muslims would have problems even in Muslim society ourselves. Not only in Western society. However, I could assure everyone that I am even more open-minded than any "liberal" thinking people in the West. I never have any conflict with people of non-Islamic faiths. I am in the photo anyway but only those in the pictures know me, hehe...

Sealed with prayers with mercy, peace and love, amin! 

An Eid Talk with a Hostel Mate, Brother and Friend : )

Assalaamu'alaikum wa rahmatullah

I will always be proud with this friend and will mention his name without any alteration. His name is Alef bin Ahmad. I do not know whether he would reach here but I want you to know Alef. You are my brother in this world and hereafter. I believe that if people love you, it is surely because Allah 'Azza wa Jalla loves you. If people hate me, it is because Allah 'Azza wa Jalla hates me and I deserves it for what evil that I had committed. This friend of mine was not so fortunate because his father passed away due to sudden "heart-attack" while working at their village and he was still in the first year studying in the university. He is from Yan. He is still living with his mother and siblings back there in Yan.  

Yan is a district within our state but by our state standard, it was actually a region with few feudal lords just like other places in our state. Most of feudal lords and chieftains were actually of Arab descent but there were also native feudal lords from the native court. By today we have 12 districts but before 18th century we had few other districts or regions which is now in the lower of Myanmar, separated as a different state with its independent king and in Southern Thailand. One of our district in Southern Thailand is known as Satun which was separated into Thai administration under the governance of a royal member known as Ku Din bin Ku Meh while another which was made a state by its own right is Perlis. The king of Perlis now is of Arab descent of Jamalullayl Sayyid clan who happened to intermarry with Kedah female royal members.       

Alef was one of my hostel mate but not my course mate. We were quite close back then when I was in Aman hostel in the Universiti Sains Malaysia (USM). The hostel has so many memories for me before I went further my postgraduate studies. I have no picture with him nor any other friends at that time so people might think I am a lone-ranger at all the time. Alef is among my friend and he is my compatriot Kedah national. Our religion and faith which is Islam and the state, Kedah Darul Aman where we share the same regional language and cultural traits bonded us together as very close brothers though our state is very diverse in term of ethnicity and cultural traits by its regions. I used to watch TV with him other than with Amir. During Ramadan, we would talked about various issues whether it is about religion, daily life and politics. We became even more closer after I visited him but I just tried to avoid talking anything about whatever I did because I don't want him to feel grateful to me. I did that as a responsibility to comfort him and his family. I do not want any return and anything that I donated is not of myself but from Allah 'Azza wa Jalla. It was his property once he received it and it's not so much because I just donated what I can. If I have that much then that much is donated for unfortunate brothers and sisters. That's all.  

I used to visit him and his family just after his father passed away. I did not have any vehicle back then and I saw that those Kelantanese hostel mates had left for Alef's father burial. Other compatriots had left me alone with Amir without informing us. I just hit Amir with a message and trying to see whether he is interested to visit the poor family and pay respect to the deceased. I guess Amir did not understood me. I felt so sorry that I cannot pay respect and help in burial process of Alef's father. After a week, and we were still in long term holiday. I prepared a rucksack and took buses for Yan from Penang. I immediately reserved some RM300 (USD 98.70) from my personal account for Alef's mother and buying few stuffs for condolence donation under the da'awa banner because of Allah and started to travel for Yan. I understood how Alef felt especially I had just lost my beloved grandmother where I cried like a crazy little kid and losing appetite for weeks. It was very difficult to access the rural area while I was alone. There was only one or two route of buses from Sungai Petani to Alor Setar through Yan. When I arrived in the rural area there was no bus anymore and by the time it was near Maghrib prayer service. I never informed Alef anything about my visit. I know Allah 'Azza wa Jalla was with me. Then I chartered a taxi at the little town and I cannot remember how much it was. When I arrived at the village only I called Alef just to inform him I am visiting his family because I cannot help with burial lest saying condolence. I feel so ashamed of myself because the matter of death is very important for me and it reminds me on how helpless I am before Allah if He does not sustain me with His precious Mercy.

After long, Alef had gave me a text message wishing me for Aidul'adha greetings. I am actually so happy to receive the message from him. I do not make many friends in my entire life and I am always grateful to Allah 'Azza wa Jalla for few friends and acquaintances that I have though we cannot see each other often. They are actually my pride as our beloved imam Ali r.a said: "The most helpless among men is he who cannot find a few brothers during his life time. But still is more helpless is he who find such a (good) brother but loses him". That is why I always feel afraid to be closer to newly-known brothers or friends. If they leave their footprints in our heart, we would feel like dying when the "time" ends. I do not care whether a "brother" is a Muslim or non-Muslim. The definition of a brother or a sister is very broad for me. Once they are considered as my "brother" it means their blood is also my blood. I would have to protect them like protecting my self.  If they are sad, I would have to comfort them like I comfort myself.

I called Alef when he miscalled me. Just talked with him like around 20 minutes and we talked about we missed each other and other friends while we were living in the hostel. All of friends had left us and we had lost contact. I just said to him I am grateful that I do not lost his contact. We talked about job and I could sense that he feels low self-esteem. I just told him the truth. I am a "da'awa cadre" but I never appear like one because I need to be alert with the situation and condition of society. I did postgraduate studies and it seems like I am pursuing it for career advancement but the real meaning is that I am doing this postgraduate studies to reconcile the gaps between traditional Islamic sciences and other fields. Nobody understood me even my younger sisters said that I am a "chowder-head" when they saw that I never grab any opportunity to further anything or getting good jobs for myself. 

I began to understood my destiny and facts of life when I was in Holy Mecca while I sat alone in the desert and pondering myself in al-Haram al-Sharif. And I felt so sinful that when I returned that I tried to return to the "responsibility" again. This is actually a very painful situation I think one would rather stabbed their heart with knife than to feel stuck like this. I told Alef to be patient and take a good care of his family. Do not worry about worldly affairs as we have faith in Allah 'Azza wa Jalla. He had already prescribed our fate in His tablet and our sustenance is within His wisdom. Just do not feel low and to strive hard to perform worship to Allah 'Azza wa Jalla. Learn more about kitabs and try to increase knowledge through religious discourses in his state. He still messaged me after we end our conversation and saying thanks for not forgetting him though he lives in the village. I just dropped few tears after reading that because it is me who should be thankful to him... I wish you happy Aidul'adha and in the Day of Atonement may our sacrifice brings us closer to Allah's Compassionate Mercy and Love. I am not good with words but you can feel it when I am closer to you, dear friends and brothers. I am just a nobody since I honor you as blessings of Allah for me :')  

            

I wish Allah 'Azza wa Jalla to have mercy on me because I am afraid Allah would throw me into the torments in the hereafter if my intention is wrong. I do not intend to tell anything here as something to boast nor getting names. I even mildly scolded Azren, who lived in the same hostel last time when he told his friends about my visit to Alef's house because that is not my intention to boast around instead I did it alone and not inviting others. I am doing that for Allah 'Azza wa Jalla and it is our traditions to comfort brothers and sisters who are in sadness. This is just a memory with Alef. He is one of my pride and I wish him to be among the da'awa cadres propagating His Names and teachings of morality by understanding the spirits which determined me to visit his house last time and why I keep them in my prayers :') 

Dedicated to my beloved prophet Muhammad s.a.w, his progeny and his companions may Allah always be in contact with them, bless them and be merciful to them. I also dedicate this post for brothers and sisters in faith and brothers and sisters in humanity. No matter where you are... Those who had been in contact with me are actually kept safely in parts of my heart. Allahumma salli 'ala Muhammad wa 'ala aali Muhammad wa sahbihi ajma'in.

Sealed with prayers for mercy, peace and love, amin!

Visions on Jobs

Assalaamu'alaikum wa rahmatullah

I am at home right now but I will have to return to USM tomorrow. I feel like am gonna get fever cause I can't even stand to stay there for the balance two months anymore nor going to classes. Urgh, Lord make me strong to face this tedious stuffs. I am almost certain that I would not be graduated in this September because of this thesis and snobbish overseas graduated lecturers. Local students are always victims to government policy and discrimination of institutions. Maybe I would be graduated in the next year.

So, I have decided that am not gonna join any graduation ceremony. It is enough when I was graduated in September 2009. It was also the year where those already third year undergrad kiddos and those who were graduated last year in my current hostel being registered as first year students, hehehe. The year where world was hit by global economic problem. Situation after the year 2012 perhaps would be better so we were actually unfortunate to be graduates in 2009. Right now European Union is also in the same situation where many people are jobless in Spain, Greece and Italy. I read it in Nanyang Siangpau (Chinese newspaper) while waiting for my sister's car to be repaired in Proton service center in Shah Alam.

I don't care what my mother would say about this. I am sick with the place and I hate my supervisor. She is so busy until she could not supervise me. I send her some messages just to get her feedback but she is not replying. Last week she just replied that she could not check a pile of complete thesis and I am asking her too much. She thinks that I was having fun there while having to work like a crazy for a silly mini-thesis? I have to pretend like normal though I guess people could notice that I wasn't. I didn't even live like a human though I tried to entertain my heart by sometimes traveling around beside facing the problem of self-confidence and low-self esteem. 

About Job When I was Seventeen

This one is my memory talking to a group of school-mates. While waiting for the time to go home and for the bus to come we just chatting among each other about our future. Actually I don't even know their names or even mingled with them before but just to show I know how to socialize with people. It's just the matter of time, situation and space that I sometimes have to be restricted. We talked about after our M'sian O-Level we perhaps would be factories workers. Maybe we would start slowly and later become supervisors. We would be very proud to serve our country and helping it to develop, hahahaha. It's actually representing our worry that we would not pass the certificate because we are among out-casts in the school who were lazy-asses and we never join any activities in school. After O-Level two of the students in our class were chosen to join the crappy program of National Service. One of them was me and another one was my classmate, I just remember that I used to call him as Joe. I was sent to Kuala Terengganu which was a bit hulu and later shifted to Dungun. That is another story. I mingled with all sorts of people from smart students to thugs or dark society kids.

About Job When I was Twenty

I talked about this again with Amir who was my undergrad colleague. We were thinking of becoming porn-stars or gigolo. Well, for me it's just a nonsense chat cause we always talk like that among each other. The dialogue which kids used must also came from movies' influence. Amir watched too much American movies, he also loves American Pies and I watched them too, hahaha.

When you mingled with these people you would also be involved but you have to be very strong in the heart to despise all of those things in order to protect others. Nobody would be helping Amir to come closer to "masjid" if people like us do not help to spread His Mercy and just keeping it among ourselves right?  Nobody in our hostel dare to come closer to him. He came to find me in the beginning and he found that I could mingle with him because I did not judge him and accepting him as he is. But deep inside I always pray for my colleague and friends. I pray for people around and I receive great psychological torments. It feels like our heart being burned, pierced, wounded and bleeding.  

Being an outcast, I had to act as an inter-mediator for these people with the "holy" congregation. I cried for them because they were rejected by "holy" people. Is da'awa only for people who already have faith? Only for those who already had been in the masjid? What is the purpose of sahabah and companions being sent to lands and heathen lands? Were those heathens people who already know the revelation and prophethood of Muhammad s.a.w? Those who are in sins should be avoided because we would be affected by them without being saved??? Just because we see people from outside or from their appearance so we judge them as this and that? I had posted about the History of Islam being Spread in Kedah Sultanate in Northern Malayan Peninsula and it shows that missionaries have to talk with people regardless of their status, whether poor or rich, clean or dirty. How our people reached the land and teaching the revelation to native and locals until it becomes a root for them. I could also post about how Islam reached every islands in Indonesian archipelago and other areas but I think many had done this whether in Malay or in English. It is mobile with the movement of people. If the Muslim missionaries from Arabia did not sail to eastern lands would people in South East Asia or Malay countries or Indonesian Islands know Islam or now chanting the testimony of faith in five obligatory daily salat services?

What I Found in Adverts in Masjids

I also didn't know before that we could also practicing again the profession of our people where our people used to be the servants for the Lord of the House. Our people used to serve the pilgrims with foods, drinks, hosting guests and helping them to perform hajj and 'umrah. Maybe it's not a glamorous job like corporate businessman, doctor, engineer, lawyers, and etc but we could receive His blessings and living simple life as travelers in the universe before reaching Him : ) I would like to try this job if I found no suitable job. It's also because I love Him. I wanted to serve Him and I could begin translating kitabs for Eastern Asian audiences as what I had already mentioned in promises to Him. Let people see me like a worm in the earth. I don't care anymore because my Lord is deciding where is my position with Him : )     

Sealed with prayers for mercy, peace and love amin!

Are We Ignoramus When We Show Nothing to People?

Assalaamu'alaikum wa rahmatullah

This one is actually my discussion with my ex-colleague, Amir when we were undergraduate. I still remember it very well and I never forget also what I said to people or what people said to me. They are kept in my memory though I don't have any memory that could be proud of like others. 

The question is : "Are we ignoramus when we show nothing to people?" Why is this question is raised when we talked among each other behind our language center while waiting for English class? Last time, we were outcasts in our course which was the Translation and Interpretation. Those seniors boasted to me that the course is a brilliant course but actually it is hampeh (nothing as what has been boasted about)... Because the senior who boasted to us had also changed to other course when he was in his third year and never finish his study, hehehehehe.

When I was registered as an undergraduate student in USM, I know no one here nor trying to make friend with people because I don't go to normal classes like others. I didn't complete my Malaysian English for University Test like other formal A-Level candidate and I was a private A-Level student after I dropped out from the school. I get to know Amir during the Aiduladha holiday where we did not going home for holiday. It was hell so boring and I almost knocked my head at the wall because I don't know what to do. Actually if people carefully recite the Glorious Quran, they will also realize what happened to prophet Muhammad s.a.w when he encountered problems alone without any support from companions in Mecca before the Hijrah event. He feels so weak, and Allah comforting Him through His words. He is a prophet and a messenger chosen by the God for nations of the period. How about us plain human-being? Of course we are weaker than him and always have to pray for Divine intervention to help us. 

If people say they are lonely because their friend going home for a moment but they still have other friend. For people who are disconnected from the society like me and I am sure many others who live among non-Muslim people, it is more tormenting but we have to keep our patience to go through boredom. Actually no sane human could handle this and sometimes I also think that I have something wrong in my head. Even if we live among Muslim, the era is actually almost the same to the era of prophet Jesus a.s when there were people who think that they are "holier" than others. That is why I always try to avoid people. It will make me feel attached to people, feeling down and when I wanted to leave people that I think is important or saintly it makes me feel sad. On the other hand, I am committing polytheism because other fellow human becoming important to me beside Allah.

And most of people who consider themselves as Ahlul Hadith are only emphasizing on what happened in Medina as it is the era where the society is established again. For us who are falsely called as the grave-worshipers, both Mecca and Medina periods are important. Also all period of prophethood in the earth from Adam to Muhammad s.a.w are important. We recognize our weaknesses and we are trying to eliminate polytheism from inner and also in the outer side of ourselves. Urm, about grave-worshiping, I never worship any grave. I just visit few sages, ancestors and grandparents' graves but I never recite any supplications or blessings without checking the qiblah (direction of Mecca) and I never prostrate at grave-yard to worship dead human-being. I also never ask any help from the dead because I only believe Allah is the Salvator and my Guardian. Maybe some ignorant people are doing this, and I also do not like their acts so why people are generalizing us? Maybe it is easy to generalize than going deeper, right?  

Usually we have this rule. If we are attached to worldly materials. We will have to throw everything that makes us attached to worldly affairs from us. No matter how important it is. So, when some brothers who knows me coincidentally seeing me crying (actually I don't like people to see me crying like a crazy guy, hahaha), that is because I am trying to purify myself. Please don't think that I am crazy yah. I am not crazy. And yes, my sisters and even my mother always calling me a nut when they listen to my words and thinking that I am losing my mind because they don't understand the psychological torment when we try to eliminate world from our heart. I do not blame them because they will eventually understand it.     

Back to the question, actually Amir was complaining that people looking at us as stupid when we do not show that we know English, hahahahaa. I am from Kuala Lumpur but my family was originally from Kedah Sultanate or whatever state it is. Because both of my parents are conversant in Kedah Malay, so do I. When I mingled with other Kedah students, I also have the same feeling when I am in this current hostel where people looking at a "Malay" speaking in Chinese. I speak in the language because it is my language. I respond to people if I understood the message. When they said to me you can also speak in pure Kedah dialect noh although you are from KL!!! It actually piss me off. My family was originally from Kedah and they consider me an outsider. The same thing also happen when some undergraduate students who make strange face when I said I am a "Chinese" when I speak in Chinese. It means that I have connection with Southern Chinese through my mum family and my mum speaks in Fujianese dialect of Chinese beside speaking in Malay. Most of people in northern tip of Kedah frontier with Thailand are multilingual people. We are different from people who live in other parts in Malaysia. She was once had to be left in Chinese village when my grandma entering forests to help the family getting some income and we have also Chinese relatives. The mother of my mother which is my grandma was active in spreading wide His path and she helped others in the way including non-Muslims so many non-Muslims also becoming Muslims due to her services. My grandpa which is my mother's father is an imam in the village masjid. He was actually a very humble person and he loves to recite Quran though when he is sleeping. These people actually were tested by Allah very severely and I saw it with my own eyes. So when I was with those Kedah kids, I actually conversing with them in a more orthodox Kedah dialect as to show to them although we were kicked from our state, but we still honor our ancestors (actually their ancestors). Actually what Amir said is true. 

I am also experiencing this when I mingle with Islam Shumul (Muslim Brotherhood) guys or Tabligh guys. When I keep my silence, it does not mean that I don't know whatever they are talking about. I am a student and not a teacher. I still need to find teachers and getting their permission to transmit teachings. I have no authority to talk on important matters of the path. I read things about their movements. The same thing also about studying Quran or any other religious teachings, I actually love to say to people : "let us study this together brothers" rather than saying "come let me teach you this and that". There are moral significance lies behind the speeches. 

Actually, I am waiting for brothers here and anywhere who actually trying to approach me to say to me : "can we together study the Quran and etc?" rather than coming to me and asking me can I have your few minutes to "invite" you to our bayan?  I listen to religious lectures everyday. I don't only restrict myself only to certain movement lectures but also from other schools and other movements. I am also watching Shia TV and listening to their religious lectures on contemporary issues.

When I was in Tabligh markaz I actually love certain activity like where they recite the Quranic verses in muqaddam (beginning) part of the Quran three times for each surah in a group. It is actually a good way to check the memorization. I don't really like to listen to whatever bayan and stuffs because it should not be delivered in a mixed group. Some of the speeches are of tasawwuf angle but to enter into the angle one must also correct their external parts which are the Furu'uddin (branches of the path) and beginning to search on what is Shari'ah Islamiah with mu'tabar (major) teachers. For me one does not have to feel ashamed about their pronunciation of Quran. Just pronounce things according to what we are able and Allah knows that most Muslims are of non-Arab origin. To know about pronunciation of the Quran, we need Tajweed. Last time I hate this subject in our schools as compared to Arabic grammar but now I think it is also important as to preserve the meaning of the Quran in its best way. Urmm, I am sad nobody knock my door to ask me to join them reciting Quran or helping me reciting Quran in my room. I don't care if I have to pay mountain of gold to listen brothers reciting Quran in my room :'(

Actually I just wanted to say, we do not judge the book by its cover. I don't judge people by their looking or by their appearance. I love to be sincere to my brothers and sisters. It reflects also sincerity to our Lord, Allah 'Azza wa Jalla the King of the Universe who needs no crown. Before closing my eyes, maybe tonight is my last day in the worldly realm, I apologize to my brothers and sisters in faith. I always remember all of you in my prayers. If I could make list I will enlist all of your names and mention them in front of the Lord : )

Sealed with prayers for mercy, peace and love amin!      

等死

我花了我的一整生命，等待死亡
我為他的計劃，我希望他，我夢見他
當我老了，住我的生活
我自己反鎖在此塔扔掉的關鍵
我祈禱死亡，這樣我就可以停止等待
我的頭髮變得灰色，我的骨頭變弱
死亡潛藏在黑暗的陰影
但他仍然不會來
然後我決定把我自己的生活，而不是
由於死亡是不是還跟我來
我會來找他
我從我的塔跳下，降落以下
但我覺得無痛苦，從致命的落下
我回到我的塔再次嘗試
我肯定有做錯
但是當我到達塔頂，我發現我的錯誤
一具骷髏坐在我的老搖椅
我的皮膚和靈魂離開了久前
我花了這麼多時間，等待死亡
在年底，我錯過了他的訪問

- Silent Dreams

No Adhan?

Assalaamu'alaikum wa rahmatullah

Diary

Hurmmm.... Few weeks going thru and sometimes I can't listen adhan in our hostel. Maybe I need to exercise my responsibility to call for prayer for the benefit of brothers who are fasting even if they don't join congregational services. In fact, I also have no strength to walk to masjid because it's very far and I have to prepare earlier than when I was inside the campus since I am on feet. I actually tried several times to walk my self to masjid. I think I hurt my foot and joints while walking. My back is also aching for sitting too long looking at computer. The thesis must be continued without stop because this April is very close. I need to get the approval of lecturers and supervisor to print out the thesis, stamping it and they are very busy people.

Surah Kahfi and Iman

I read the surat al-Kahfi again and I feel so impressed to those meditating young sleeping men in the cave where they tried to avoid the conversion to idolatry for the strength of the faith in their heart. The stories about these seven young men can be found in Syriac texts of Actus Sanctorum: Saints Life and Martyrdom. I just read the stories from Quran to entertain my lonely self and sad heart but I do aware about the other path stories though they don't circulate this anymore. My family is going through some tests from Allah. It is not new for ajnabis (alien) like us because we face this since we were born, chaotic families, challenging treatment from around, identity crisis, and etc. Sometimes it could make us very weak but we must not lose hope and trust in Allah. He tests us because He wanted to clean us our selves and purify our souls. That is His hidden Mercy in between tests.

Leaving behind Duniya

I think I must avoid nice food again. I read something regarding metabolism and physical growth but I had forgotten that my age now is not the age to grow anymore no matter how much I take, hahaha. It is harmful for me and does not belong to a slave like me. Let others enjoy the food. If I bought them next time I will just dump them in the lake for friends and brothers in the lake since I don't know to whom should I give. I am shy to brothers in musalla and feel not worthy to be their friends nor brother.

Closing

I must keep in my mind that I am waiting for the Resurrection like the brothers of the past in the cave. No need to worry about how I look like or whether I look like a skeleton. If my sisters say I am ugly and looking miserable then be it. I don't care anymore. I beg Allah my Lord to forgive everyone who does not know. I beg Allah forgiveness for being deceived for a moment while I should not forget that I am just a lowly slave. I would like to express my gratitude to brothers and sisters who are passing by for your prayers. May Allah bless all of you and express His Love on each of you.

Sealed with prayers for mercy, peace, and love, amin! 

Finish Repeating Exam

Assalaamu'alaikum wa rahmatullah

Quite relieved for a moment, I have just finished the final exam for this repeating paper. Though I just shoot those answers like a nut but at least I answered them all and I did all of the homework given by the lecturer. Our lecturer and course coordinator had warned us about the delaying of thesis submitting might cause us being stamped as fail. I borrowed my sister's money and also parents so I must not let their money go in vain or else I won't forgive myself for wasting them. I must send the complete thesis to coordinator by 23rd April 2012 if I wanted to grad this December so I would try to finish it according to time. I need to put my reliance to Allah and trust Him as the Guide and I must try to keep my life in compliance with Quranic and Sunnah teachings.

Sadly, two of our seniors which are auntie Roslin and Tirawud had already been eliminated because their due date for thesis had came to the end but they produced nothing. Auntie Roslin just answered the repeat paper with us for her third times. I feel sorry for her at her age now probably around early 60's just the same age as my mum and she has no one to tell about her problem. I sometimes facing this kind of problem and few friends also being my victims. I will always apologize to friends. I don't try to burden you people I love you people just like I love prophet Muhammad s.a.w, his family, his companions, and the disciples. 

I just want to talk about my problem and not asking them to help me only listen and take lessons if what I did was wrong because I don't want people to experience same bad thing. I don't feel comfortable to talk to Pusat Islam brothers or Tabligh brothers though I love them. I also go to masjid and crying to the God lamenting my weak time and feeling useless. This new year, I am already 26 by Gregorian calender. By Lunar calender, I am older than that but still I look like a young kid perhaps because of my physical, haha.

I meet new kids again this semester because this is the first semester for new intake. As always if we go to musalla we are also friends to those in there. I don't want to talk with people after an incident with Tabligh kids there that made me try to keep a distance from them. Actually those kids had disturbed my meditation and concentration because I made vows to recite holy verses even mentally and when people keep coming close it makes my concentration distracted. I love to see devotion in young kids but I don't disturb people meditating, praying, or making supplications and that makes me not talking much in the mosque or musalla as a sign of respect to the Owner of the House. Perhaps they think I am arrogant but as to say we can't stop people from thinking. That is their right. I only talk with people one by one and not in a group. In Malay there is a slang word sounds like menchapub which is a short form of mencari publisiti (publicity seeker). I am not that kind of person, I am not a good politician. I only work behind the scene I don't need people to notice me and that's why I only have few friends. I had already experienced my freshman years and also my schooling time. Most of them are painful experience as far as I could remember. I know little kids way of thinking though they might be bigger than me in physical term. Another thing I don't like when talking with kids is that they would associate things like dzikrs or religious disciplines with magic like flying with the wind and kashaf stuffs. We are practical people, there is no such thing only Allah is All-Powerful. Those kashaf whatever things are not important. We strive to be sincere to Allah 'Azza wa Jalla and trying to be a servant and a slave to please Him. 

Some more comments to all Muslim brothers and sisters. We avoid slandering people so we don't talk about things we do not know. In this sense, I don't try to defend ahli kitab or people of scriptures. We have heard rumors about people drink holy water in church and their tongue became hardened and could not recite testimony of faith. Or tongue becoming black in color after drinking holy water after being forced. I had already entered churches and also temples. I went to pray in Buddhist temples when I was an ignorant kid and listened to Buddhism lectures. Now I am a Muslim and I try hard to be a loyal Muslim and sincere to Allah 'Azza wa Jalla. I still visit temples and also churches but I feel nothing anymore. I pray for people and other fellow creatures there to receive the mercy to the world. Nobody there force me to knelt down or drinking holy water or taking sacraments in churches. If we are honest Muslims, we must strive hard and do not even bother about what people wanted to say about our devotion to Allah 'Azza wa Jalla and obeying the teachings transmitted through His messenger and slave, Muhammad s.a.w. We only talk about what we know because prophet Muhammad s.a.w only talk about anything being revealed and not from his own desire. When people of the scripture asked him regarding issue, he only answer once the revelation descends to him. I am sure many beloved Muslim brothers and sisters know about this incident.

Then I also had my dinner at Chinese rice shop at our canteen. I know the son of the shop owner and he cooked also at another stall near our language center here. I asked him and he tell me that his rice is halal with a Muslim cooker. A brother from China had also asked and he told me the same thing but he never eat there. I also don't want him to have his meals there afraid that Malay students might misunderstood him. It is not good for him. I only take vegetarian stuffs there. Even if I am at Malay restaurants, I would also ask for vegetarian meal and sometimes they put stuffs like squid, prawn, and other elements which could be considered as not favorable according to my manhaj. But because they are Muslim/Malay, I still tolerate them and not complaining. Few days before I finally give up and had my meals at Chinese stall, I had also talked with new a new freshman kid which happens to be a Malay. He asked about the Halal status of the Chinese shop. For me, if you feel doubtful, don't ever touch them. I am certain about the status so I have it there plus I don't really feel accustomed to Penang Malay style of cooking or Mamak style of cooking. My mum sometimes used to cook peranakan Chinese cuisine at home and we seldom have curry like most normal Northern people. We eat raw vegetables and Chinese style pickles like poor people. Only dad love to eat meat, few sisters of mine also have fish. I don't take fish at all to avoid from ritual impurity.  

This few months I had not been talking in Malay but only in English or Chinese. Feel quite slow to speak in formal Malay but I still can speak in bahasa Kedah fluently, hahaha. I found that we are fond with this language and we preserve old words just like olden days as compared to fellow Malays. I try to access hadith translation in Chinese but I can't found any. Anyone could suggest to me if you happen to step by in this side? If there is no translation then I might have to initiate important parts in Chinese as compared to English. Malay speaking people are blessed with kitabs and translation made by local students in the Middle East. But Chinese is an isolated language. It is not easy to translate and transliterate Arabic words into Chinese characters. I encourage Muslim Chinese students in our university to learn more Malay though its not in syllabus while they are here because of religious purpose. Certain things are preserved in Malay language other than Arabic, Persian, Urdu, and Turkish. Apart of Yemeni-Hadrami community also contributed into the translation of kitabs in term of sufism and tasawwuf for practices of heart purification in South East Asia. I just read about Wang Daiyu last few months and he inspired me too. I have the same belief like him. We need local stuffs in Chinese instead of those in Arabic for people to understand better and bring them into practice. However my Chinese language is not high Chinese but only communicative Chinese at primary school level, hahaha. Ya Allah, help me to find way how should I improve my Chinese. I had almost forgotten Chinese when I befriend Malay kids from Kedah during degree times. Thanks to Muslim Chinese brothers here I revived it again in myself. People at home most of all had abandoned Chinese (in form of dialect: Fujian and Canton). Last time, even my paternal uncle (of Arab-Gujarat descent) could speak in local Fujianese dialect due to business ties. I took the pain to learn Chinese Orthodox writing and later learning Simplified one but I don't know how to write it just reading.  

Hope to finish studies as quick as possible. I don't want to chase any paper qualification. I want to receive Allah's blessings and pleasure. That's all I want. The period is almost to end just we don't know when. Nothing to chase except His Kingdom, Hail be to You dear Lord of the Universe!

Sealed with prayers for mercy, peace, and love, amin!

Sunday Evening: Check Sis Friend's Thesis

Assalaamu'alaikum wa rahmatullah

Movie: Beck Mongolian Chop Squad

Ughhh, I don't really like doing proof reading or checking others' grammar especially when I have to read others' thesis and dissertation which is not related to my field of study but I've got no choice. It's apart of sustenance given by the Lord but the way needs me to work hard a bit and increasing the power of my spectacles.

Yesterday, younger sister called me and ask me whether I would like to receive the task helping her friend from Mara University. I actually do not really feel like checking it though she is willing to pay me because I am still busy researching for my own thesis. But the friend had also texts me saying that she's desperate for her grammar to be checked so I just agreed. Just taking minimum payment though I actually could charge more because I check her thesis the whole day and sending it before the dateline. Feel like vomiting reading the thesis for management in accountancy. Last time I helped third sister to write her nursing management when she cried to me. Now, when I am crying everyone is leaving me except Him. I understood now how grandpa feels when he was facing the state of sakarat al-mawt (before death). Poor grandpa, I will pray for you to be forgiven and blessed everyday, inshaallah. I always wish for your happiness there hoping that you are also forgiving me.

I had wrongly sent messages and calling to wrong numbers yesterday during the moon eclipse. Urghh, this is so annoying. I mean sometimes in few months I might have some nervous break down and I feel like dreaming while I am not sleeping. I hope people are not annoyed too. I didn't manage to go for the masjid for maghrib prayer service. I don't know, right now I feel that I don't want people around to see me because I think I wanted to disappear just like our mother, Maryam the mother of the Christ expressed her feelings during she was in pregnancy carrying the Christ after the Anunciation (surah Maryam verse 23). 

Managed to go for the masjid only after maghrib service prayer and waiting for ishaa' service. Feel more tranquil there rather than praying in musalla because I can hide behind pillars and Quran racks so nobody would notice my pathetic face. I love the musalla at the hostel but I feel it sometimes too packed and people perhaps might need more spaces for them to also pray. It is actually a good thing to see the congregation grows in the musalla so sometimes I must give up some space for others to come. I also feel I can't see people face because I am afraid I might make people feel annoyed. While waiting for ishaa' I felt thirsty and thought of buying some water outside because I don't take masjid's property. I only use masjid's property for ritual and not for myself. Then I went to a restaurant and ended up trying some ginger dumpling soup, hahahahaha. I think its quite spicy because of the effect from ginger with some longan. I thought that they put seafood in the dumpling so I was terrified. I haven't joined the prayer service in masjid yet at that time and I would have to perform ghusl if I take seafood to be free from impurity. Luckily that it was only sesame paste fillings in glutinous white dumpling ball.

I watched few Japanese movies and other movies of other languages too while I feel bored looking at thesis. For example, BECK: Mongolian Chop Squad and I think my life is just the same like those boring people in the movies. That BECK: Mongolian Chop Squad is adapted from anime about a boring retarded 16 years old Japanese boy called Koyuki in Upper Secondary School who feels that his life is all the same and being bullied in his school by a group of pathetic punks until he meets a singer and he learned how to be a performer on stage. It reminds me of myself but I was not a retarded guy. I technically become a retard just now after I have to read these unnecessary policies stuffs and I think it makes my head retarded than ever, lol. It also reminds me at the time where I learned about Heavy Metal, Death Metal, Guns 'n' Roses, and others during my first year freshman in the university from my colleague and the first person to talk with me, Amir.

I won't let myself being bullied so easily like that Koyuki guy in the movie. I was a very hostile young boy who never follow trends or people around. Perhaps Hadrami blood in me makes me quite volatile sometimes. I might be tiny but I don't care about what will happen if I am pissed off. I don't know what our noble prophet, Muhammad s.a.w feels when he had also to isolate himself in the Hiraa' cave during Meccan period. Whenever I remember about him I will also recite salawat and birkat to him and his family and companions though never in person meet him. It teaches me to be patient and reminds me to morality teachings of the God transmitted by him.

Need to have some walk down there getting some fresh air before some sleep. Waaa, my waist feels like broken sitting in lotus position for long-checking this sister's thesis.

Sealed with prayers for mercy, peace, and love, amin!

New Year 1433 H Event in Masjid al-Malik Khalid

Assalaamu'alaikum wa rahmatullah

Souvenir from the event, a Hijriyyah calender so I could also check prayer services time and try to be as early as possible in prayer hall waiting to see Him : )

Before the Maghrib Prayer Service

I regret that I had missed congregational prayer service in masjid this morning. They had conducted a lecture there I can't remember delivered by which Habeeb. This evening, rain fallen quite heavy. I had made a mistake by going to Sungai Dua without bringing clothes and hygiene stuffs where I could just clean up myself at the shower at the side of the masjid. I had some meal at the Thai restaurant at the alley near the KFC of Sungai Dua. I had to walk back to perform ghusl, wudhu' and clean up everything because we must be clean both physical and spiritual to enter the holy boundary as a mean to respect Him. Then walk again to the masjid.

I just wanted to pray to the God for the better future which also includes my future in the hereafter. Also praying for other brothers and sisters either Muslims or non-Muslims for their life to be blessed. So, I don't care about the rain and I never try to get any help from others in term of borrowing their transportation. I am not really close with people here anyway because I always feel afraid to say goodbye to friends. I regard friends the same as blood brothers and sisters. When I was a first degree student, brother Mijie and brother Duwe had also offered me their motorcycle but I just politely refused their offer. I feel bad to burden them though they don't mind. I just want to make sure that my heart and intention is purely for Him. We can strive hard to get certificates for better job or better life improvement but to sacrifice ourselves for Him is hard? He never asks us to give Him money, kill ourselves for blood nor anything. Just surrender to Him, our heart because He is the Most Compassionate full of Love and Mercy : )

The masjid people had also recited Yaasin Surah and the supplication to end the year and beginning the new cycle of year 1433 H. At home, parents and second sister would also go for masjid and pray there. I did that to respect my parents though I am in the distance of 400-500 km from home. I am aware about acts mentioned in valid Sunnah. I keep hadith books as well as Quran with me where I had immediately get them while performing hajj and I memorize some parts of 40 hadiths. Still in the process and this annoying political administration studies had also delayed my memorization. 

I also try to translate some important books into other languages when I am free for example Chinese for Malaysian Muslim Chinese compatriots but it hasn't finish yet because I need to check terminologies used and record them as not to commit mistakes of Orientalists. Second problem is that I am just using pen and paper because I don't know how to install Chinese application in this lousy computer, hahaha. We must be fair to Oriental brothers and sisters. They're all equal brothers and sisters. I intend to send them to some non-Muslim Chinese friends and pay them to type. Then just print them out and distribute them for people's personal use without sending them to religious departments but first I need to neatly check it as to make sure it is a right translation. I had already tried to access federal religious department but so far nothing in response and I know they have few Muslim Chinese translators too. I just observed that, Sunnah Islamic books' translation into Eastern languages is so limited except in the languages where the people are in majority Muslim. If it is not legal, then I would silently send them out maybe to Taiwan, Hong Kong or to Japan pleading help from friends out there to send them to masjids and Muslim families. Doing everything alone is actually very exhaustive but what to do. We have no choice.

Basically it is a good way to recite any surah of the Glorious Quran together because we could listen to others' recitation and we could also recite aloud without feeling shy because nobody care about our voice when we recite together. Usually some fellows who listened to Muhammad Abdul Wahhab followers' lectures would be harsh to their parents but I choose not to be harsh because I don't like to be a blind followers. I read Muhammad Abdul Wahhab however I am not his devotee. I am a devotee of Allah 'Azza wa Jalla and I sincerely proclaim my testimony on Muhammad s.a.w prophethood. I respect all the Salaf as-Saaleeheen and all the guided teachers including the ahlul bayt.

After Maghrib Prayer Service

I didn't get the first unit of Maghrib prayer service because I had already been late. I regret myself so much for that. Then, people listened to a lecture delivered by the religious officer of Kedah state Islamic Guidance Department, Ustad Muhammad Isa Abdul Rahman. It revolves around Hijrah and it went on for about half an hour. I just sat at the pillar and trying to hide from people because I don't want to be spotted recording notes because it is shameful, hahaha. But I was busted by an old resident of my hostel now. He was a Geophysics student. His name is Sayful and is now working in Bayan Lepas. I don't know how he recognized me. Because I hardly talk with people nor noticing people because I hate to show my face to people. Already experienced many things and the recent one in my current hostel last semester. So, I don't feel any importance to be tied to people around or knowing so many people. My name is also not important.    

Lecture Notes

It mentions that Hijriyyah calender is very important thought it was designated by Umar al-Khattab r.a. It was marked by the event of migration by Muslims after the prophethood of Muhammad s.a.w into Medina al-Munawwara. It is based from lunar calculation unlike the Gregorian calender which uses solar calculation. When we record important events such as matrimonial, birth, death, and everything related to life and death, we use Hijriyyah calender. An example, a divorcee sister may count her 'iddah (period after divorce) with Hijriyyah calender before she get marry again with the man of her choice. 

We must take heed on the importance of the terms used in the Glorious Quran. Hijrah or hegira signifies the migration from evil to goodness. From hideous traits to good traits. We do not want to associate Quranic terms with filthy or non-related matters. The Islamic Guidance Department of Kedah for example had issued a ruling for the term used in Islamic rituals should not be used in others' rituals. For example the term Qubur had been differentiated to Jeerat. Qubur and Jeerat both means cemetery but Qubur is Muslim cemetery while Jeerat is the term for non-Muslim cemetery. I remember that my dad had once scolded me because using the term Qubur to refer to non-Muslim cemetery because they are very particular with terminologies and language used. The term tahallel for example is used for Muslim supplications and the Buddhist should use the term phra paritt for their specific ritual because they indeed chant phra paritt during the ritual and not tahallel. As to say, hijrah means the migration where we transfer from evil to goodness.

Other example is the term of ulama' which generally means scholar. But there lies a hidden meaning of it where a scholar is a scholar who fear the God so he never distort the teachings for himself nor practicing out of what he preaches. A person with a knowledge is different from 'ulama. A person who learn Islamic knowledge but has no fear to the God is not an 'ulama (scholar) but just a person who had accessed the information. They could do whatever they want with the information that they have but they are not scholars. A very nice explanation by the ustad : )  

The lecture emphasizes the importance of terminologies and meanings of the word. The ustad also brought the quotes from Ibnu Katsir exegesis. The prophet Muhammad s.a.w mentioned that there is no more physical migration after the re-opening of Mecca to the Light of Revelation. But a person who live with the discipline like in Ramadan though he or she is not fasting because it is not Ramadan could still get the merit as equal as the merit of Ramadan. He or she eats only physically and spiritually clean food but leaving doubted and illegal foods. So do the migration event. It never happen anymore but the concept of migration is still there.  

Regarding illegal things like the ketum or kratom leaves or biak leaves in Kedah, it is advised for public to stay away from it. Kratom (Mytragyna Speciosa) is a kind of leaf which is used as a drug to cure fever but could be harmful if used excessively. Ustad said that don't misuse the drug and turning it into a crack. It is illegal or haram especially they soak it with the cow dung. Cow dung is not a kind of food.

Migration to study, spreading, and sharing Mercy and Love to others is counted as a migration. The person who migrates for these courses will be classified as muhajir (immigrants). While those who receive them are the ansar (the helpers). The honorable Imam al-Ghazali mentions that a dangerous friend is an ignorant friend. Because an ignorant friend loves his friends but he is ignorant and does not know about what is legal and what is illegal. Ustad explains in Kedah people tradition to serve guests with raw salads, rice, and other food stuffs. Raw salads is very important in Kedah people cuisine where they would dip them with sauces such as sambal belachan (shrimp paste sauce). He explained that the ignorant friend might pluck leaves at trees on others' lands to prepare food for his friend and it is spiritually illegal.     

The right on Guidance is the right of the God. It is not the right of human-being. When He is Willing and Pleased to open up the heart of a person into His Light, then it is His Will. For example the person will strive to seek knowledge and he will be released and entered into the Abode of Peace. We take opportunity on the teachings. If we've got little, then little we benefit. If we've got a lot, then a lot we've got. Perhaps from the little thing that we've listened could help us in the future or giving us some understandings. The ustad mentioned about his experience where Muslims in Singapore had accepted the ruling by the Guidelines from the mufti of Singapore that they could perform rituals with the recycled water as Singapore has no fresh water supply. The mufti has to think on the consequences of the nations in his supervision. 

Says the member of wisdom, Luqman al-Hakeem, a knowledgeable person who fears the God will be blessed with extra knowledge. Luqman al-Hakeem lives in the time of prophet David a.s the ruler of Judah. He was granted with a vision and dream by the God where he was asked to choose to be a prophet of the God or a member of wisdom? Luqman al-Hakeem had chosen to be a member of wisdom and not a prophet of the God. Luqman al-Hakeem had passed 20 advices to virgin girls. 

There is a merit for an immigrant who migrates from the chaotic land to a peaceful land. There are few matters related to immigration which is accompanied by merits and they are: 

1. Migration to protect his or her faith when being tyrannized by rulers

2. Migration to seek knowledge

3. Migration for da'awa and spreading love, amity and mercy

4. Migration from evil to goodness, from vice to charity and chastity, leaving illegal for legal matters

5. Migration to the way of the prophet s.a.w in performing shariat (way of conducting life)

6. Migration to protect one's dignity

It is not easy for someone to leave his or her land when we had already feel accustomed with the environment around. However as Muslims, our life principles is always revolving around the God. The God is always with us. Even if everybody had left us alone, the God is still with us. It is also not easy to migrate from bad habit to good habit. This event of hijrah by the prophet Muhammad s.a.w and Muslims in Meccan era into Abyssinia and Medinah signifies both physical and spiritual matters. In the matter of protecting one's faith, faith is not something which can be bought nor could be sold. It is in the heart and only the God has the Power to turn it upside down. Protecting faith has the merit as the merit of migration from the tyranny of old days.

The condition of repentance had also has something to do with migration. A person have to migrate from a place which leads him or her to vices and illegal acts. For example a drug addict must migrate from his old place to the new one which will lead him or her to goodness. The ustad had mentioned that he had tried to write and distribute the sermon about the danger of smoking but many of imams in the masjid in Kedah had refused to read the sermon but reading other sermon because imams also have the habit of smoking. So, migration from bad habit really need perseverance and strong will. It is not an easy matter.    

The event of Isra' and Mi'raj of prophet Muhammad s.a.w was actually the event which tests the strength of the faith of those who would later perform migration to Medina al-Munawwara. It means that a person who wants to perform migration needs a strong-will, determination, and strong faith. When we try to please the God, even if it is only a common act of worship, that should be ok in order to migrate to a better situation.

When we preach da'awa, we try to find person who wants to listen to us. No matter who listens to us, the person who listens to us actually is a person who is honored by the God. The God had mentioned about honorable companion of prophet Muhammad s.a.w who is so determined to learn the teachings of the God though he was just a poor blind man, which is Abdullah bin Maktum. He was honored by the God in surah 'Abasa. Teach to people who are willing to listen and those who are not willing just leave them once we remind them. Medium of da'awa today could vary according to technology that we have. We could also use text message system to message friends.  

I did texting messages and calling some friends though some of them (my Kedah and Kelantan compatriots) had humiliated me but never mind. We should never take people seriously but forgive everyone as the God forgives us our sins. How did the ustad knows this??? Maybe lots of people are using the same way, recycling messages, hahaha. I just typed what I feel to friends and I love to wish people around well-being because I was unfortunate when I was a school kid and nobody really cares about me. Usually the wishings come right away from my heart though sometimes I feel shy to tell them but I just send it without thinking about my self anymore. Let people be happy and enjoy and I would also feel happy for them : ) I don't like recycled messages.

Abdul Malik Karim Amrullah had once stated that: "When a human was born, he is crying while people are laughing to receive him. But let people cry when the human is dead but he is smiling because of the goodness that he had left for everyone around to share." 

Ustad mentioned also about the figure of Libya, Umar Mukhtar who was illegally hanged to death in front of public by Italian imperial power in 1913 at the age of 70 years old. Umar Mukhtar was an 'ulama of Libya. Umar Mukhtar had said (with his faith) before he was hanged that let people hang him. People who hanged him will never be known after they hang him, but he (his soul) will smile because he had united his people and his resistance to Italians was that because the Italians had did wrong by plundering people lands. A righteous person never even pluck leaves from others people land which thrust into the fence of his house.

Now, Italy is a member state of European Union and death sentence is not according to human rights but what these countries in the Union would do regarding the people who were killed by the governments before the establishment of the Union or before their ascension into the Union? Where are apologies and confession from civilized nations? I lose respect to these countries and nation-states. I am so sorry.

Closing

They prepared some refreshments for congregations which are some breads and beef dhalcha mixed with eggplant and potatoes. Urmm, I don't really like beef but it has no smell in the dhalcha so I think it is ok and I'm not a Buddhist anymore so what beef has to do with me? There is also a guy who currently live in Aman hostel which was my previous hostel and despite of his eyesight problem, he still come to congregational prayers and attending the event in the masjid. I am so amazed with his spirit and wishing him a good future may he be blessed too. This is another dimension of migration despite of what is understood in the West. Western world had claimed Christianity as their tradition but they never implement the morality of the Christ where the Christ had once said blessed be the meek. But Western world are craving for comfort, materialism and tyrannizing others in the name of 'civilization.' I don't believe any Christ followers exist in Western world when they talked about it in their discussions for example the discussion of Geert Wilders. He's not a Christ followers but a stinky politician. My advise to fellow Muslims in Europe, respect locals and maintain your faith. No need to show off to people nor looking down on others.

Allahumma salli 'alaa Muhammad, wa 'alaa aali Muhammad. Sealed with prayers for mercy, peace, and love for nations, amin!      

Mid Term Test Done

Assalaamu'alaikum wa rahmatullah

Beautiful creation of the God. We always feeling envious at Northern hemisphere in term of beautiful plants even at their grass flowers. Guess where is this snapped? It's just at the side of Bukit Gambir road in Penang, hahahaha. I don't want any scholarship to France or Germany. My heart is not attracted to those things. I just want to see Him : )   

Thanks dear Lord, we had done with the annoying test. I had forgotten that I should be fasting today because of this test but never mind. I am just so glad that the test had gone though there are several other annoying matters to come after this. In this matter I would like to thank our brother in faith, brother Idris. May he and his family receive happiness and fortune in this life and hereafter for mercy and compassion to other creatures. I believe in brothers and sisters prayers could help everyone going through difficult times. I look at brothers and sisters prayers as the sign that they put importance of brotherhood and sisterhood as their priority. Prayers are our fort, prayers of those who had passed for their generations had also be the fort for the coming generations : )

I actually begin to believe this after maternal grandpa passed away. I had done many wrong things to him... (urmm, let me shed my tears first). After that, I would ask everyone to pray for me. I also talk with hidden creatures in my room or around me to pray for me to be forgiven if they believe in the God and the prophethood of Muhammad s.a.w. I am also afraid that I would hurt hidden "saints." Usually "hidden" saints do not show any difference to others. They appear to be the same like others. Sometimes they appear to be those whom we look down upon in case of my late grandpa. I listened to few tasawwuf angle lessons being introduced to me by Tabligh-e-Jama'at but actually those things are not new to me. I had already noticed that before I return to Islam after I faced the conflicts of aqeedah (creed) in myself where I questioned many things including my goal of life. This actually made me very sensitive with people and fellow creatures around. Sometimes I felt very guilty if I think I did something wrong to people with my face expression, with my speech, or if I made people feel humiliated if I had sometimes didn't notice them talking to me. I would like to first admit my weaknesses. I am a human-being and a creature of the God with flaws because only the God is flawless the Most Perfect. I apologize my sins and wrong-doing to everyone.

I had answered whatever I could remember from the text that I had read. Frankly, I just noticed that the lecturer had uploaded the articles and journals for tests' references only yesterday. I just downloaded them yesterday night and right away walked down to print them out. I thought of finding some acquaintances asking whether they've got printers with them and I would pay for the service. But I think back, no need such an act. I would be a burden to others. That's not our custom to burden others. We would try to survive until the last breath without harming others. I had always practice this since I was a young kid. In school during my childhood time, teachers and people around told me to try solving problems alone first. So now we are familiar with it. If we have any problem not only in studies, but also in daily life like illness and others, we would try to solve them ourselves first. 

Just before I answered the papers, I have to do some translation jobs translating points from articles and journals because words and sentences that they used are complicated. I made them easy and using Malay as the medium because I was a translation and interpretation student trained in both English and Malay. I managed to memorize few points and arguments through this way. Then I talked with auntie Roslin which is my elderly classmate because she doesn't know how to access to the portal where those stuffs are uploaded. To make things easier, I just walked down few minutes before the test began to print the articles for her at least she could pass her paper because this is her third time repeating the same paper. I understand the torment so I don't mind to sacrifice for others. I guess auntie Roslin is around 60's now but still in high spirit to acquire a master degree. She did encouraged me to apply for Erasmus Mundus and other scholarships offered but I turned down everything which came to me because I think it is just enough. I believe in the God as the central part of my life and if I die, I must also die because of Him. I don't need those papers for recognition on me anymore. I just need His forgiveness, His love and acceptance to free me from torments here and in hereafter. I need the knowledge to know Him and being aware about myself. It needs no paper recognition but practices and sacrifice to spread His Mercy and Love : )

There were three articles uploaded by the lecturer for us which are:

1. Ben Aston (2004) How useful are theories of integration to understanding the development of the EU? Politics of Governance: The European Union.

2. Laura Cram (1995) Policy-Making and the Integration Process - Implications for Integration Theory. Department of Government, University of Stratchclyde. UK.

3. Suha Atature (2008) The Historical Roots of European Union: Integration, Characteristics, and Responsibilities for the 21st Century. Vol. 7. No. 2. Political Science and International Relations Department, Yeditepe University, Turkey. 

There were three questions with sub-questions in them. We have to answer the first question as it is compulsory while the other two questions are elective questions which mean that we could choose either one of them. 

The first question is regarding sovereignty. I think the question more or less asking us about the impact of integration process on sovereignty in the European Union (EU) where it refers to the member states. 

Second question directly come from the paper written by Mr. Aston. It touches the theories of integration such as intergovernmentalism, neo-functionalism, and characteristics of those theories. What are the assumptions of those theories.

Third question directly come from Laura Cram paper where it talks about the impact of integration process on the policy making and integration process in the EU.

Basically, I just answered nonsense and trying to manipulate whatever that I have in my empty head. My head is not really empty but it has many other things including that I think classes are not suitable for old teenage like me anymore. After this I would be a 26 years old guy and His calling is also near and near. I don't want to see Him with humiliation but I want to see Him with His acceptance : (

Ya Allah.... 

Sealed with prayers for mercy, peace, and love, amin!

Mid Term Break: At Dentistry

Assalaamu'alaikum wa rahmatullah

Alhamdulillah, I had just settled matters with the God which is salat al-'Isya' (night prayer service). I feel very much relieved because I didn't late to see Him for the service : ) Not so many people in masjid today perhaps it is weekend so people would spend more time with family or friends at home or in other places. I had just get an idea to do physical exercise to maintain health. I can use Tamil song videos to work on physical movement because they have lots of ideas regarding choreography, hahahaahaha. What can I lose if I try... I am just alone in the room so nobody would laugh at me if I use Tamil movie scenes to jog. 

Oh yeah, I went to bookstores too at Sungai Dua and I saw many interesting textbooks such as Social Research by Earl Babbie, Sociology Essentials by Anderson Taylor, Introduction to Social Studies, Human Communication, Microeconomics, Management of Strategy and Concepts, Ayurveda (Indian Traditional Medicine Studies), Medical and Nature, and other religious books. I have got no enough money to purchase them for personal references. Only if I found them earlier, perhaps I could also excel in examinations because I could understand basic principles from textbooks before reaching other journals and articles for applications. 

In the end I just bought a book about wudhu' which its title is translated as Characteristics of Wudhu' from Sunnah written by Abu Ezzat al-Mubarak. I had saw many other series but I think wudhu' is also important. I love religious science but nowadays I think religious science is only my dream since I am not suitable to be one of the student for religious science. There are many obstacles but at least I try to approach Him. Does not matter if He hates me, He has every right to hate me but I will still pray for Mercy and Love on everyone and also for myself. I just wanted to remind myself and beloved brethren... we just appreciate whatever that we have even if we think that it is lame and does not look great like others. Because perhaps it is better for us. 

I always feel down when I am among people. I don't know perhaps my past experience and treatment received had made me turning to be like this. I think that I don't deserve to be around people or even being seen. When I watched a Korean movie called 3 Iron which is about a loner guy who could make himself invisible, I was so curious to know how did he do that???! I wanted to be like that!!!

Now let us scan what had we done last Thursday...

Thursday, 14 Zulhijjah 1432 H (10 Nov 2011) 9:20 am

 Pusat Sejahtera which is the Health Center in USM

I went for dentistry to remove the plaque at my lower front teeth. In the beginning I thought that the previous dentist who dealt with my wisdom tooth suggested me to repair my upper wisdom tooth but when I arrived at the dentistry another dentist and her assistant just removed my plaque. I felt my head giggled when the machine working and I only think that it could thrust my head so I said my testimony of faith to the God and His messenger and seal of prophethood, Muhammad s.a.w. 

I actually hate clinics or hospital and always try to avoid from sickness because I don't want to be admitted to hospital. My dad was actually a heart disease patient. We had cried when he was admitted into hospital around the year 2000 and he had underwent bypass surgery. Human life is not always a happy life. We always have to face trials and tribulations where He taught us to be patient and to pray to Him for Mercy and Love. Many times dad was admitted to hospitals because he also refused to be admitted to hospital each time he was attacked by the heart disease. When I studied in upper secondary school and silently observing Buddhism, he was also attacked by stroke. 

Passage to dentistry

In Ramadan 2010, dad once again was attacked by stroke which makes him paralyzed at his right side. He can't pronounce words properly and his right hand can't moves. Before he was attacked by stroke he came to me and stayed in my previous room. He actually loves to have his meal in mamak restaurants and that's why I am so angry with mamak restaurants. They cook things without sincerity and it caused diseases to customers. In Islam, business is for community service and survival. Business and trade is not for excessive benefits which tyrannize community! I can't do anything to prevent dad from mamak restaurant since it became his habit and perhaps other Malaysians as well. Be careful with what you have brethren and I think having meals that we cook ourselves are much better than having them at restaurants or hawkers. In this campus, I have no choice because we don't have stove nor kitchen. In maqasid shar'iyyah (methods of deriving legality of acts and stuffs), we do not only observe halal slaughtering for meat or do not take pork and parts of swine as food but we also check other aspects as well. If the preparations of food is harmful for health, and ingredients are harmful then it is classified as haram (illegal). We are very discreet even in term of politeness toward customers and services. That's why some Muslim teachers of mine who went to Japan said that Japanese had observed Islamic values while most of them are not Muslims because those values are actually "the nature" of human-being. I was not surprised when I heard that because I believe in those values and believe that they should be implemented in society. Not just being discussed and left without any implementation.

School of Physics

Some of those Tabligh kids who approached me last time were students from this school, haha. I don't think that I am worth to be around them because I am not a student who excel well in academics since schooling time. I'm just a human-being who deserves no recognition nor important in this world. Perhaps they are from those schools such as Mara Lower Science Institute (MRSM) before they attend the university without non-Malay students because non-malay students usually are not supported by government so they felt weird to see a "Malay" who speaks in Chinese and do not behave like a Malay. It is because I am not a Malay but a "Malayanized" person. We were forced to be ones because we have no place to go. If I lived a happy life or my life working on smoothly perhaps I don't try to find my ancestral root like other Malay-Arabs but unfortunately we do not live happy life since the time of our grandparents. Even I came to the extend that I tried to lose my Islamic identity because I hate how people looking down on others and actually selfish despite talking about the Greatness of Islam and we are holy, others are filthy swine-eaters, ungodly people... They just talk and talk but never walk the talk even they do not look at things discreetly including the soul and environment around which by the God is called as fitrah (the nature) : )

We live in the world as travelers who have no original homeland, and that explains why I understand how Jews and Chinese compatriots feel when people spew things like "lu India, lu Cina balik negeri lu lar!" (you Indian, you Chinese go home to your homeland!). I am not supporting the killings and tyranny toward human-being but there are many people who have no homelands like Jews for example the Kurdish, the Armenian, the Rauhingya, the Southern Thais and others. Their lands were absorbed into other countries and nations. Racism is something which is used to justify nationalism. It is proved as bringing harms to human-being and the environment because human will spill blood because of it. In shariah, it is haram (illegal) and must be uprooted because it is evil!

Above this building was our Global Political Economy (IPE) class, it is in opposite to School of Physics

Anyway, this school of physics is just in opposite to the health center. In front of this school is a part of Hamzah Sendut I library. We used to have our Global Political Economy class at the upper level of the library with Dr. Zainal Abiddin during our second semester.  

The backyard of Hamzah Sendut I library

So, anyone who have some nostalgia in USM may take a look at those pictures. Perhaps there are many pictures regarding this institution but I just keep some of them here for those who have no camera or video with them. There was also a Malay movie I guess its title is "Ali Setan" took its setting in this institution. Last time when I was a first degree student many of those first year degree students played the movie. Many Kelantanese students too and most of them were students in the School of Humanities taking courses such as History or Geography. Some were in School of Education. 

My ex-roommate brother Zaidi was from School of Education. I know he is a quiet person but he didn't want to talk with me... Maybe I treated him wrongly or maybe I looked like a weird guy. I'm sorry brother Zaidi if I wronged you though you may not read it here. Sometimes, people would look at me like an ignorant person or impolite because people always saw me with "naughty" students or students who have no "good/religious" friends. I tried to bring them to Him while nobody wants them and I could not showing up myself as an orthodox Muslim nor supporting Muslim Students Association in the light. I am actually supporting the Islamic Center though I do not join any association. I sincerely apologize even after many times I apologized to you and others dear brother :'(

Sealed with prayers for mercy, peace, and love, amin!