Editing

Peace be upon everyone and blessings

Praises be only for the God the Highest, the Lord of the entire universe. I am growing proficient with this site applications so my task would be a lot more easier. I managed to learn some video editing and visual making. So, I could see that being a computer geek sure would be a reward if we could use it to the fullest, lol. I never forget my promises to my beloved One. I would strive hard only for His pleasure and performing our ancestral tasks to bring mercy, peace and eventually love for those who come across us beginning with my own family : )

I am going to link several sites in one so I would integrate my life experience in a better way with other journals. I thought of dumping my feelings be they toxic or good ones here in the beginning while I never thought that it is also followed by other fellow brothers and sisters. I appreciate your prayers and love so much and wishing everyone happiness and success in this life and in the hereafter does not matter of what faith or creed you are. In the end, it is His mercy which will save everyone He wishes. 

I would import some personal stuffs into my personal sites but do not worry... I would not close this site since it perhaps would be your inspiration or lesson for everyone though it might not be as good as others life. I live just like other people. There are happiness or sadness in life and I believe that we could not deny any one of them. I believe in simplicity and my path is the middle path. I believe that human-being must behave and think like human. Not thinking like holy angels or the Devil. Everyone has his own role within this universe as He decreed in His own way. You might get to know my real identity as I have nothing to hide if you check closely on few sites linking here, hehe. I am not writing here to get any publicity or for profit-making, lol. It is just my monologue with my sweetheart, Allah the Most Merciful. It is the life of ordinary Muslim guy who lives like other human-being. 

I am trying to activate the site in Arabic for Arabic studies. Everything is in Arabic so some more technology could be benefited to its highest usage, haha. You might need to use your google translator application. Or you would be lucky to find some Jawi Malay scattering around there if you understand Malay. There would be some more links but I have to think on several other stuffs like coordination and making things simple. 

Wish everyone luck,

Sealed with prayers for mercy, peace and love, amin!

Job Update 1435 H

Assalamu'alaikum wa rahmatullah

I received a call from Shangrila Putrajaya for the receptionist job. They offer me the job but I turn it down because that lady, the HR manager had hit a wrong button by saying that I would be jumping here and there while I was so desperate to get a job for earning. If you see a university graduate begging at their knees for job, it means that he is really desperate and he really needs a job. If not why he would bother to go for interviews? Interview is not fun at all!!!

After I perform some prayers and meditation and I could see a little clearer that I do not need that job or any job. I can go to wash dishes at the food court closer to my neighborhood. I do not care about what people will say. I am afraid of risking my prayer times and letting my dignity being trampled by capitalist system! I am poor but I have the dignity!!! Let people enjoy their life after they suffer at their job place. I am not going to do that and I am getting the fruit of my decision....

Sealed with prayers for mercy, peace and love, amin!

13th Muharram 1435 H

Assalaamu'alaikum wa rahmatullah

I am not sure whether the title is suitable or not but I seriously do not know what to put at the title, haha. Well, tomorrow morning maybe after morning prayer service I would take the bus to Shangrila Hotel up there. I just wanted to apply for a steward (dishwasher) job. In the beginning I planned to beg for my mother to help me to study the "religion" but after all I think that I had also burdened her before. I feel so ashamed too. Now on I just wanted to settle my debt with the national loan center because I owed them to study in my undergraduate level. Anyway, I am thankful to the government and I do not want to owe anyone no more. I wanted to pay my mother's jewelry too. I do not want anyone to suffer because of me! 

I wanted to find a job again just after I quit the one which was a Protection Clerk in the UNHCR, Kuala Lumpur. There were too many things to deal at once including with my mother who wanted to see me graduated which means that I have to apply for one week leaves although I am still in probation and that annoying Human Resource lady in the office as I was still under her supervision. You know, sometimes people love to look at others as inferior than them without trying to be their friends. They would rather love to make enemy with others by giving that pompous attitude. I had also quarreled with my younger sister where she accused me as not taking care of my father though I was always with my father in his sad times since I was young until now when he is bedridden. I never leave him behind or neglect my responsibility. When you are in unfortunate situation, you will see the true "colors" of everyone. It will spontaneously come out of everyone...    

I am still "aware" about my "self" and I know the God's commandment for a child to be devoted to his parents. Besides I had to give the chance for my little sister to use my mother car since she has got a job in the Prime Minister's Department. I quit at that time and opted for another job far in Kuala Lumpur because I was the one who offered her my position though my old employer actually trying to stop me by giving me a promotion together with an increase in salary pay. Now, everyone could see a Muslim guy is being bullied by women and how I have to sacrifice for their chance to live in term of my future. I have to give up my job under the midst of pressures. Yet, most of the time, we Muslim guys being tainted with the so-called "feminism" cry that most men are irresponsible, going out for religious propagation like the Tableeghi Jama'at members by just ignoring their responsibility as men and others. I respect the teachers of Deoband school of India and I give due respect to all Muslim scholars but some people still taking some of the "public" members of the movements as the benchmark for all! I strictly adhere to the principle of Ahl Bayt and that makes me have to struggle on my own with only the God as my only Protector and Companion. I have to do anything by accepting my situation, accepting the facts and according to situation. So my final decision because all of those troubles is just to quite without having the chance to establish myself like others.

What I had done yesterday was I had already cleaned my clothes and mattress sheet. Some had already been packed in plastic because I do not want them to be dirty again before being given to people. I had given up like half of them right now. I do not want too many possession because it will burden me in the future. I need to clean the fan in my room as it is quite dusty right now. Around midnight I will start to clean my room since I do not want to be seen even by my family members anymore.   

Owh yeah, I wanted to give up my religious kitabs to mosques and some friends. I do not need them anymore because I had memorized some of them. I just need to practice them and just need a copy of Quran with me in order to get it preserved in myself. Maybe I will make some "letter of will" and inheritance letter. I wanted to quietly move away without being known by anyone if anything happen to my beloved father. I love him so much, grateful to him for raising me and I am here because of him. I do not care a bit about being in comfort zone... Unfortunate events will happen without we even notice or expect it. So better be very very careful...  Maybe today you see that people in those war zones are crying but it could also happen to us. Doomsday is not only the great doomsday but also doomsdays which follow our transitory phases of life...   

Sealed with prayers for mercy, peace and love, amin!

Tersempak Mahasiswa Islam

Assalaamu'alaikum wa rahmatullah

I had avoided musalla near my house because I do not like the way people stared at me. I am quite particular with the way people are talking and looking at us. I know I might be a little bit "different" but I never look at people like I am going to eat others although they are different or a majority amongst us. So, today I felt wrong that I had left the house of worship for long. I went the al-Najah mosque just up the hill to seek forgiveness. The mosque up the hill is a little bit open, nobody from my neighborhood went there often except for Friday weekly service and the imams there are young people. I mean the imams are of the age closer to mine. I can't stand too traditional oldies which also includes younger people who resemble them or curious people.    

While in the prayer hall, I actually had noticed a guy which looks familiar to me. But I do not quickly greet him as I thought that maybe my eyes are playing the illusion tricks. But, to my surprise the guy suddenly call me when I walked passing his car just after the Maghrib prayer service. Man, I think I know that guy now since I could see his face clearly!!! He was one of the 2008 graduated twin brothers from the block next to us during my undergraduate time. We had seen each other when we stayed in the hostel but never talked nor spending time introducing ourselves to each other. Since I talked in Southern Malay dialect so perhaps he thought that I am a KLites while the reality is far from that as I can speak in his Kelantanese-Patanese dialect, lol. His Southern Malay sounds extremely weird, haha. We just exchange our name, his name is Hamidi. He offered to send me home but I refused as I don't want him to know that I am a jobless guy because I would have to invite him for some tea. I bear enough humiliation for being a useless guy in this world. I walk to the mosque or anywhere because I enjoy doing so. I consider it as a sacrifice for Him. 

Then he asked me, are a PMI (Muslim Student Association) member? Because he was a member of that movement perhaps that he asked me or perhaps because he saw me in a mosque? I was a bit blue when he asked me the question as I am thinking on what is the answer. Then, I just told him, "No, I'm not a member nor affiliated to it". Then to confirm that he was apart of the movement, I asked him about these three figures that I know like Asrul Anwar of Perak, Zaidi which was my second year roommate and Saiful Isma'el where both of them are from Kelantan. He knows them... So I concluded that he is a member... I know most teacher candidates in my previous hostel were of Mahasiswa Islam groups.

I just feel weird, why people need to classify people as a Mahasiswa Muslim (sub-group of Ikhwan al-Muslim among university students) or a Tabligh when they see us spending time in mosque? Who told them that these groups representing Muslims as a whole or a representative for Muslims? I am familiar with both Ikhwan al-Muslim and Tabligh styles when they're operating but I detest the classification which would lead to confusion. I never mingle with those Mahasiswa Islam students before as some of them had looked down upon "godless" people which goes against the principle of "heart" and teachings of teachers for e.g Imam al-Ghazali rahimahullah. I was among the "godless" people in their view because I was not signed in within their groups but later they find out my face in the mosque. I was there not for stinky politics, I was there because I am seeing the God. I didn't take his contact number. I don't want to see people who were involved with my life in the varsity nor do I want them to know about my devotion activities. Hope that is the last time I ever see anyone that I know from my past....     

I have an interview tomorrow, anyway just a walk-in-interview for an ordinary job. I just convinced my little sister to stop from being a house selling agent and joining me in the interview. It is not suitable for her and she would have no experience of job. We have to work with some companies to get some experience. I can't join any Quranic Tahfeez Center too as my certifications are half baked. So, I would have to find some money, pay the government loan when I studied and save some of them. I just want you in the National Loan Board to know that I never forget to pay you back. I just do not have money, but as soon as I have got some money. I would pay you and never borrow anything from you.

I wish to migrate to other place where nobody knows me if He permits me to do so... Then I just wanted to ask forgiveness to the God because I was a wretched servant who commits a lot of sin wishing Him to be Merciful to me... Please give me permission to achieve success in the Hereafter.... 

Sealed with prayers for mercy, peace and love, amin!

Mawlid al-Rasul Eve 2013

Assalaamu'alaikum wa rahmatullah

Diary

My paternal cousin sister, Zaynab came by since yesterday with her youngest son, Hafiz and her daughter, Zaitoon. They came from Alor Setar. My father had once lived with his eldest sister from the same mother, Hawa (Eva) and her husband, Yousuf (Joseph) in Singapore. Zaynab is one of their daughter. Uncle Yousuf is also a relative to both my father and my aunt from their paternal side. They returned to Kedah state just before the partition of Singapore from Malaysian federation states because the living cost there was rising. I never had the chance to meet uncle Yousuf because he passed away just after he returned to Kedah, but I had few times met aunt Hawa where she lived in Kodiang. She passed away in Alor Setar and was buried in Kodiang. Yesterday morning, Hafiz had an interview as a security police at the Post Training Center in Bangi. He just stayed in my room these two days, haha. His elder brother, Amir was the one who looks like a Hindustani guy. That was what my elder sister said because they are of the same age and now he is a common Tabligh member constantly with bald head. We're not so close as we live far from each other. My father and mother perhaps are familiar with these cousins.   

This evening, my sister suddenly knocked my room and asked me to accompany her to show Hafiz around as my mother brought sister Zaynab to our jami' mosque. I checked the time and it was 20:00. They would have to rush to the bus station at 22:00. However, my little sister still insist because she wanted to entertain the guest nephew and there is nothing to be cooked at home. That guy might feel hungry but perhaps shy. It was raining so heavily and I was lazy to drive. My driving skill is so bad. So, we didn't get to treat Hafiz anything. Poor guy, maybe he just eat the bread that his mother bought. It is their first time here in central area. When sister Zaynab called us, I just rushed my way to return home and sending Hafiz to the station. Then my sister said she is hungry so we went to Cyberjaya, hahahaha... I don't know what to eat there, so I had a bowl of Japanese noodle while my little sister tried a chicken curry rice as she is not a vegetarian at Tokio Cafe... Quite expensive but that would be only once for this year and perhaps other years that we would try the food there again....

Yesterday, my father was admitted to the Serdang Hospital emergency ward for observation. I don't know whether he has constipation problem or because of drug poisoning. He keeps vomiting and sleepless. He can't tell us what is happening to him as his nerves problem makes him mute. I am actually very sad but I can't express my emotion because so many sad things happen around me. It makes me almost emotionless. I waited in the observation ward from 11:00 to 16:45. The doctors there had injected his skin to take his blood and I felt like kicking their face because my father ate nothing. How could his body produce blood and hemoglobin???! 

Then I changed his diaper myself as we always do that at home. One of a kind nurse came and helped me when she saw me struggling to help my father while other nurses there are busy chatting with each other on how painful their life working in the "hospital". They had chosen to be nurses and expecting their life to be like in paradise? How could that possible??? This is what we call as selfish. We know that nurses are also human. But the nature of their job is the nature of the job in disaster. Why they chose to be nurses in the first place if they do not want to dip their selves into the mess? Easy money? Because it is safer to work with the government? Where is luminosity of mind among human-being? I learned about Bodhicittam (enlightened mind) or Pabhassaracittam (luminous mind) according to both traditions of Buddhism. But I don't understand why most "Muslims" who would definitely being entered into the paradise although committing sins do not have this thinking of "philosophical" infidels?

What happen say if these nurses see the Palestinian Arabs with blue eyes who were bombed by Israel in the hospital? Perhaps they would cry and lamenting on behalf of their beautiful poor brothers and sisters in Islam. But what about us in the hospital? The ordinary patients who have no significance? Those around us? Aren't we Muslims too? Why can't people regard everyone who are closer to them regardless background as their brothers and sisters in Islam? This is what disgusts me... Hypocrisy and double standard is all around...

Wishing those who celebrate the Mawlid al-Rasul a nice day. I guess my mother and second sister would join procession or activities at the mosque or musalla tomorrow but I am not joining them. I would bring the celebration to Friday and celebrating the noble prophet Muhammad s.a.w "alone" in the mosque before the Friday prayer service.

Allahumma salli 'alaa Muhammad wa 'ala aali Muhammad... 

Sealed with prayers for mercy, peace and love, amin!

What Am I Doing in Gap Period???

Assalaamu'alaikum wa rahmatullah

My new hair I shaved it all on 29th of July 2012

I don't know actually what I wanted to write. I still have the balance of the thesis to be finished before December 2012. So, kinda stopping by and reading again what I wrote. Found them very weird maybe I wrote them in several moods, hehe. Ow yeah, just letting brothers and sisters who read this about the job interview on 15th of August 2012. I guess the job is not meant for me as they never call me even after the 'Eid holiday to inform me whether I am eligible or else. So, it is ok maybe Allah has other plan for me. I'm not so much hoping for the job and I sent other applications to other companies and organizations as well. 

Sometimes when we see around of course it would make us thinking that we have no life like other people as they are settled down, have money, possessions, married and could relax with friends during holiday doing activities like sport or vacation together with friends. It would be lying to say that if we looked and something and we would not be thinking because we have brain and soul. Lying is a portal to sins, hehe. Think it in other way around. Maybe it would also be stressful to work as not all people facing the same situation. I just think to pay my study loan which I think is not good thing to be postpones. I hate debts and I regret that I took it when doing undergraduate papers. After few years pondering and contemplating; I guess our education system nowadays, not only in our country but in whole world is to get human labors rather than for the development of civilization based on humanity values but we would ask what kind of labors that we need? 

There are many rough jobs in services like waiter, receptionist, call center customer service, supervisors, management trainee and others. There are also rough jobs like construction sectors and others. There would be questions asked by people who are already settled down, why university graduates (they who ask are also graduates) refuse to work in service fields and others and trying to grab their positions in government or private sectors? Let me answer, because people who ask the question also never do that kind of job. If they did the job, did they do it permanently? Certainly no because doing the job like that is tiresome, consists of shifts and they took away our resting time which could be used to develop spiritual knowledge like studying scriptures. So, we ask others, why not we think in the shoes of others? Just try to put our ruh (soul) inside the body of the person that we asked. I personally hate when people that I encountered asking me, what are you doing right now? Where are you working? It is a sensitive question to other people who are jobless, try to talk about other things for example like what food you love to eat? This is more polite for me. Other than that, why would we tell kids to study and get through the university if we can get labors without wasting government expenditure? It is just a waste time to study in the university while we could earn money and buy low-cost house if we just go right away to work after O-Level or even LCE. Basic school education is more than enough.        

Well, in this gap period which is the period where I am stuck before transferring to other phase of life I would read all sorts of thing especially things related to philosophies because those books are in my father's collection and I don't have to buy them. Many people who don't really engaged in philosophies might think that I have some short circuits in my head when I talk but I am actually talking philosophies and I am talking about daily human life. Sometimes I just use rough words used in daily life without using high academic words because most of all many people in the world talk more than observe or reading. Philosophies was banned during the period of struggle between imam al-Ghazali and the Shi'a Muslims or Mu'tazila groups related to the Creed about God. I also discussed with mom to dispose some books and just leaving behind religious studies books. I would try to memorize some important religious books for example prayers or hadiths that I could memorize and jot them down again beside practicing them before disposing those books too as to preserve the contents of the books. 

I walked at night around my family's house neighborhood. Maybe I would take some stroll at 12 a.m alone and reciting Quranic verses while walking for two or three hours greeting the unseen brothers and sisters around, hehe. I found that I don't have any surviving friends in my neighborhood anymore. Last time I was in lower six class, I had some friends but all of them had already furthering studies in various colleges and universities before we could even end our form six classes, hehe. Many had moved out from the area too and I don't make any new friend anymore here after we also moved out from old quarter. 

Yesterday's evening I just bought some exercise books to jot down Farsi lessons and starting some translation of kitabs into Chinese for future usage. It's just to increase my knowledge about Islam in Chinese language so next time when Chinese friends asking for information, I would easily convey the message in pure, plain and non-mixed Chinese. I found that Farsi is an interesting language and one of my acquaintance studying in Iran also learned the language and Islamic philosophies there. Rarely talk to him but sometimes I would chat with him and enjoy listening his experience and researches.

I also read some blogs written in Malay about random people life and their language style is quite nice, loll. Dah macam baca novel la pulak. I envy these people as they could write in proper Malay. I just know how to write in dialectical Malay which sometimes people don't understand and sometimes the grammar is upside down, hahaha.  

Sleepy, I need to rest my eyes...  Please help me praying for my father's health and may I finish my thesis before December, insha Allah.

Sealed with prayers for mercy, peace and love, amin!    

Unexpected Meeting with Classmate

Assalaamu'alaikum wa rahmatullah

I had bumped on Emad the Palestinian when I was about to cross Sungai Dua road after humble prayer services at masjid and some humble dinner. Oh noooooooooooo!!! I don't want to talk about my thesis with that guy nor I was interested in his thesis. I don't know whether he had sent his thesis to the coordinator of the course and I don't care. Last time I was insinuated by sister Siva as that guy's bff, lol. Actually I sympathized that guy for humanitarian reason and I don't do that because he is a Palestinian or blue eyed native Palestinian. I don't consider Jerusalem as the first sacred house because the first sacred house of the Lord is in Holy Mecca. My prophet Muhammad s.a.w always missing his village the Ummul Qura and he was always hoping in his heart that the direction of prayers to returned to our patriarch Abraham a.s house of Lord. So, whatever Palestinian-Israeli issue for me is just part of modern political issues. It is not religious as it is not mentioned in Glorious Quran. I don't like to give too much attention on something. It is not good for them. It will raise up evil characteristics in them selves. It is not good for them right?     

I thought that I was the only one who is not patient and can't wait to be graduated quickly. Of course everyone wanted to go home. I understood him though Penang is just an oversea from Malaysian mainland but this is also not my home. My home is in Kuala Lumpur. Long time I had been disconnected to Arabian culture. I didn't really practice Arabian culture nor speaking in Arabic but I speak and think mostly in other languages. Being an Arab does not mean that we speak in the language. Being an Arabic speaker also does not mean that a person is an Arab. We just takbeel-ed with each other and he is tall so he has to bend down to kiss my cheek, lolll. I feel shy as it is not a custom here and people might think otherwise when seeing two men kissing each other but that is just a custom. Actually has nothing to do with any sexual thing because we don't think like that and we just kiss cheeks like we kiss holy sites for veneration not french kissing. 

I think Emad is quite a stupid ass because I don't feel shy to criticize him in front of him as he is not an Eastern Asian but a rude Palestinian. He said that his supervisor is lazy and could not spend time to quickly check his thesis. His friend Yusuf is quite smart and quite nice to talked with. He just replied to the guy, your lecturer might have few other students to supervise. It's not you the only one to be supervised. I heard they murmured something and I can understand dialect Arabic especially Egyptian dialect. Just can't reply back because I haven't speak in it for long. I can speak in Arabic again if I stay in Arabic environment like when I was in Mecca. I didn't speak English in Mecca but in Arabic except when I was with fellow Muslim Chinese brother as I show my respect to them. I know they were looked down by Uyghur and Tibetan ethnics in the Western part of  their country so I am showing my support for them not to be isolated. I become a Chinese myself and I practice Confucianism just like normal Chinese. I understood their feeling as hybrid people or people who had lost original identity as they have local native mothers. They are like us especially we are just here for 300 years not like others who were fully assimilated since they arrived earlier. Some Arabs in the masjid, I do not recite Salaam to them because I know some of them had spilled hatred to others. I don't like their words even before Friday prayer service they still have the time to blackening other brothers such as Shi'a Muslims. I don't care whatever Shi'a Muslims falsehood or whoever is correct. Just stop the speculations when we are not an expert on anything. Learn about our own schools and paths. Be observant and be devoted only to Allah. That would be enough for me no need to prove anything to others. 

They bought many things to eat in their room in Bakti. They invited me to join them but I have other things to do. I am doing the reading for thesis while writing this diary of life in Penang Island as a student. I think I badly need Arabic conversation and writing class. I wanted to use it for my focus in rituals and translation of optional services to worship Allah. I also bought a brief kitaab titled "Kunnooz al-Jannah" which means the "Treasures of the Paradise". It is about remembrance and glorifying Allah but its entirely in Arabic with Hadiths narration from Abu Dawood and Tirmidzie. I have to translate them to Chinese first. But most important thing now is I need to finish up with this thesis. Thank you for prayers, dear brothers and sisters. I appreciate my brothers and sisters. I am grateful to Allah to have all of you as brothers and sisters. You people are the best things ever happen in my life  : ) 

Sealed with prayers for mercy, peace and love, amin!

The Diary of Ma Yan

Assalaamu'alaikum wa rahmatullah

Just a sharing a bit related to journalism field and social work. Though media in the West and in our country had blackened useless Shariah students like us, well I am an ex-Shariah student who is now contaminated by the world affairs. But my father was once a journalist and worked for media organization. I am familiar with journalism as well though I am not a mass-comm student. Even when he serves government officials but he was not a recognized government servant. He was only a servant by contract serving to state's and federal ministers dealing with medias and protecting the image of government departments. Media world is not easy dear brothers and sisters in faith, it is a harsh and challenging world. Also when my maternal cousin brother in Perlis lower-estimating my father in front of me and made me sad and having low self confidence, but I would probably now say to him that my father is an unfortunate guy just like you where both of you had lost mothers. But at least he did achieved something in his life and revealed others' misfortune for public to be alert with while not being religious like you simply because you are an infallible member of Islamic Brotherhood Party who illegally smuggle rice and stuffs in and out of Thailand. For now, I am not any member of any political party but certainly if I am forced to choose, I will choose to join a Malaysian Chinese majority and secular political party though I am not a Chinese! My faith is only for me and for Lord to know. Not for others and I am not interested to show off my religion status to people.   

 Ma Yan and mother

Diary of Ma Yan

The sharing is about a girl from Ningxia province in China and her diary. She have to write in papers because she has no blog like us or internet connection to talk in forums. I am not sure this province is apart of Gansu province but I think it was once apart of Gansu province in Northwestern part of China. Around January 2010, al-Jazeera Witness reported the story of a Muslim girl from this province. Her area is a rural area and she lived in poverty. The report features the diary of this girl and it was published in many countries including China and the United States. It was a best seller in China itself.

The village where Ma Yan lived is described in Edgar Snow's Red Star Over China, but since that time, few outsiders have visited it. The United Nations (UN) says this is a region unfit for human habitation (China. org.cn). In contrary to popular opinion, the porr in China did not get this way because of the Communists. The hardship and poverty of Ningxia people and many others in China has been that way for centuries. It did not help when the Communists won China's civil war and the defeated Chinese Nationalists took the nation's treasury and most of the ancient Imperial treasures to Taiwan leaving China nothing but only people and the land.

In the segment of Witness, audience travel with Ma Yan as she breaks the cycle of poverty. By chance in 2001, a French journalist was visiting the remote Ningxia province in northwest China when a Muslim woman wearing a white headscarf of the Hui ethnic thrust her daughter's diaries into his hands. Ma Yan writes that the economy where she lives has not been developed. However, Ma Yan is not alone wanting to escape the hardship of poverty. She wrote that her life was like a death sentence. The French journalist read the diary given by Ma Yan's mother and he was so impressed. He arranged few excerpts to be published in one of the French daily newspapers. By 2007, Ma Yan passed a university exam and was one of the first girl from her village to be eligible for a university education. He next move was to Paris where she lives with a French family and attends a university there. - iLook China

Closing

We have many Hui students in our university too. But I think most of them especially undergraduates are rich people because I could tell it from their appearance though they just wear normal clothes like others. I don't normally mingle with rich people because we are only poor brothers as birds of the same feathers flock together. There are also Hui students in International Islamic University, Malaysia (IIUM) and I talked with few of them. They are mostly from Gansu and Shandong provinces and others were from Xinjiang where I meet them in the Masjidil Haram during pilgrimage season around 2005 in Holy Mecca. We only know how people feel when we are in their shoes. This one is an Asian version of autobiography of a girl's life and vision where in Europe they have Anne Frank's diary during the world war holocaust event of European Jews. I am actually very impressed with Miss Ma Yan's mother. She is a good mother if I see her I will serve her some tea as a respect.    

Sealed with prayers for mercy, peace and love, amin!

Visions on Jobs

Assalaamu'alaikum wa rahmatullah

I am at home right now but I will have to return to USM tomorrow. I feel like am gonna get fever cause I can't even stand to stay there for the balance two months anymore nor going to classes. Urgh, Lord make me strong to face this tedious stuffs. I am almost certain that I would not be graduated in this September because of this thesis and snobbish overseas graduated lecturers. Local students are always victims to government policy and discrimination of institutions. Maybe I would be graduated in the next year.

So, I have decided that am not gonna join any graduation ceremony. It is enough when I was graduated in September 2009. It was also the year where those already third year undergrad kiddos and those who were graduated last year in my current hostel being registered as first year students, hehehe. The year where world was hit by global economic problem. Situation after the year 2012 perhaps would be better so we were actually unfortunate to be graduates in 2009. Right now European Union is also in the same situation where many people are jobless in Spain, Greece and Italy. I read it in Nanyang Siangpau (Chinese newspaper) while waiting for my sister's car to be repaired in Proton service center in Shah Alam.

I don't care what my mother would say about this. I am sick with the place and I hate my supervisor. She is so busy until she could not supervise me. I send her some messages just to get her feedback but she is not replying. Last week she just replied that she could not check a pile of complete thesis and I am asking her too much. She thinks that I was having fun there while having to work like a crazy for a silly mini-thesis? I have to pretend like normal though I guess people could notice that I wasn't. I didn't even live like a human though I tried to entertain my heart by sometimes traveling around beside facing the problem of self-confidence and low-self esteem. 

About Job When I was Seventeen

This one is my memory talking to a group of school-mates. While waiting for the time to go home and for the bus to come we just chatting among each other about our future. Actually I don't even know their names or even mingled with them before but just to show I know how to socialize with people. It's just the matter of time, situation and space that I sometimes have to be restricted. We talked about after our M'sian O-Level we perhaps would be factories workers. Maybe we would start slowly and later become supervisors. We would be very proud to serve our country and helping it to develop, hahahaha. It's actually representing our worry that we would not pass the certificate because we are among out-casts in the school who were lazy-asses and we never join any activities in school. After O-Level two of the students in our class were chosen to join the crappy program of National Service. One of them was me and another one was my classmate, I just remember that I used to call him as Joe. I was sent to Kuala Terengganu which was a bit hulu and later shifted to Dungun. That is another story. I mingled with all sorts of people from smart students to thugs or dark society kids.

About Job When I was Twenty

I talked about this again with Amir who was my undergrad colleague. We were thinking of becoming porn-stars or gigolo. Well, for me it's just a nonsense chat cause we always talk like that among each other. The dialogue which kids used must also came from movies' influence. Amir watched too much American movies, he also loves American Pies and I watched them too, hahaha.

When you mingled with these people you would also be involved but you have to be very strong in the heart to despise all of those things in order to protect others. Nobody would be helping Amir to come closer to "masjid" if people like us do not help to spread His Mercy and just keeping it among ourselves right?  Nobody in our hostel dare to come closer to him. He came to find me in the beginning and he found that I could mingle with him because I did not judge him and accepting him as he is. But deep inside I always pray for my colleague and friends. I pray for people around and I receive great psychological torments. It feels like our heart being burned, pierced, wounded and bleeding.  

Being an outcast, I had to act as an inter-mediator for these people with the "holy" congregation. I cried for them because they were rejected by "holy" people. Is da'awa only for people who already have faith? Only for those who already had been in the masjid? What is the purpose of sahabah and companions being sent to lands and heathen lands? Were those heathens people who already know the revelation and prophethood of Muhammad s.a.w? Those who are in sins should be avoided because we would be affected by them without being saved??? Just because we see people from outside or from their appearance so we judge them as this and that? I had posted about the History of Islam being Spread in Kedah Sultanate in Northern Malayan Peninsula and it shows that missionaries have to talk with people regardless of their status, whether poor or rich, clean or dirty. How our people reached the land and teaching the revelation to native and locals until it becomes a root for them. I could also post about how Islam reached every islands in Indonesian archipelago and other areas but I think many had done this whether in Malay or in English. It is mobile with the movement of people. If the Muslim missionaries from Arabia did not sail to eastern lands would people in South East Asia or Malay countries or Indonesian Islands know Islam or now chanting the testimony of faith in five obligatory daily salat services?

What I Found in Adverts in Masjids

I also didn't know before that we could also practicing again the profession of our people where our people used to be the servants for the Lord of the House. Our people used to serve the pilgrims with foods, drinks, hosting guests and helping them to perform hajj and 'umrah. Maybe it's not a glamorous job like corporate businessman, doctor, engineer, lawyers, and etc but we could receive His blessings and living simple life as travelers in the universe before reaching Him : ) I would like to try this job if I found no suitable job. It's also because I love Him. I wanted to serve Him and I could begin translating kitabs for Eastern Asian audiences as what I had already mentioned in promises to Him. Let people see me like a worm in the earth. I don't care anymore because my Lord is deciding where is my position with Him : )     

Sealed with prayers for mercy, peace and love amin!

I am Deciding

Assalaamu'alaikum wa rahmatullah

Introduction

I am deciding not to pray in hostel's musalla anymore. I think I should avoid the musalla though I am afraid with the consequence from Allah. Feeling like I wanted to delete the Facebook that I had signed too cause I just feel like disconnecting with human-being. I am almost finishing my literature review which is the second chapter and other balance chapters are actually completed together with references at the time where I was so stressed, weak and feeling like drinking detergent. I only have a presentation and an assignment to complete.

My Plan and Decision

I think I don't want to mingle with people anymore. Plus I also noticed that other Phd student like our fellow Yemeni brother had also now begin to hibernate in his compartment. I will still pray in congregation but maybe at night during Fajar, Maghrib and Isya' prayer services if I have the strength to walk to masjid. For prayers like Dzuhr and 'Asr prayer services I will perform them alone at my room. I had also already performing the Thursday fasting for firstborn son so today I am actually a bit free to violate the covenant as what elders told me according to our traditions. I am typing the thesis right now but I don't feel stressed anymore like before because I begin to release everything after meditating and chanting Allah's Holiest and Glorious Names. I also recited our tariqah prayers, thanks to paternal aunt who provided me with the stamped family prayer book though she is also not so observant. I send email to friend that I know actually to say goodbye. I think it should be enough for me waiting for people who are afraid of me. I wish they will take good care of their health. No matter if they forget me, this humble hebrew guy will always remember them, still caring about them and praying for their well-being. I don't think I will ever show my face anymore to people after I say goodbye or when I am feeling down. I think I was destined by the Lord not to make friend with human-being. That is my fate so I must accept His decree. Everything He decreed must have wisdom underlies within.  

Dad Umpteenth Visit

My dad came to visit me and he actually feels bored at home. He returns northern several times in a week and it is actually harmful for his health. He is now a 60+ years old man. I understood his situation where he feels lonely at home and trying to find people to entertain him but now I am quite busy. I feel quite guilty for having to leave him alone. He drives alone from Kuala Lumpur to Perlis and Kedah states and later to our Malay cousins house in Malay village at Damar Laut or 峇東 near the beach. I actually feels quite ashamed to my cousins, uncle and auntie because we have to trouble them to entertain my dad. At home, people there could not stop him anymore because he has hypertension and blood clog at his brain's vein due to a stroke that he experienced during Ramadan 2010. It affects his mind. He will burst out and maybe would harm people or harming his self if people stopping him. Tomorrow he still wants to go to other relatives home in Perak state. I can't follow him home because I am also occupied with thesis and assignments. Last time he came here too and saying that he wanted to see me. I send him back home and driving for him. He refused to follow highway but insisted going through villages way. I was quite tired driving like that because there are many traffic lights and lorries. The day after I have to buy a bus ticket to return because I have classes.

I was so stressed and I thought of sharing my pain with friends but people actually are afraid of me. Some might only using me as their thrash bin or when they are feeling lonely but they are only lonely in the beginning. When they found friends and hardly being lonely no more, they would also leave me behind. That is human-being. So what can I do? I don't force people nor promising any flowery words to those who come closer to me. I only offer my sincere heart. Last time when I encountered problem in madrasah in Perlis when my dad forced me to be registered there like elders said. I also feel lonely that made me going to Thai temples and praying there talking with Buddha idols and spirits idols. I made friend with a Muslim Thai-Chinese but he also leaves me behind once he was accepted by Malay kids. I was only a medium to enter to society by other 'loner'. Other Malay kids will never truly befriend me because I am only half or perhaps quarter of them. This also happens to our Egyptian neighbor who lives in our old quarter. Their dad is a Malay religious officer from Terengganu state and their mum is an Egyptian. I observed those kids and they are marginalized. They do not do well in school as they are registered as Malay and enrolled in national system. When they mingle with Malay kids, they were thrown with woods, stones and others. I don't think it is wise for them to be forced to mix if people could not accept them. But their dad does not care about them. This is our fate. When people talk about Chinese school and Tamil school I actually think that we are more pitiful than these 19th century immigrants. 17th century migrants' descents like us are not even recognized by British colonial master. During colonial time, they used our ancestors to approach local court and palace but they trapped us with all sort of things.        

What I Think About Friendship

Actually the friends when we are crying are difficult to find but friends when we are fortunate are abundant around us. Arabic proverb says: "A friend is one to whom one may pour out all the contents of one's heart, chaff and grain together. Knowing that the gentlest of hands will take and sift it. Keep what is worth keeping and with a breath of kindness blow the rest away." For this proverb I only found it with Allah but not with fellow human friends. How many of my countable friends now leaving me? I only have countable friends but what about those with countless friends?

Another proverb: "True friends are like stars, we can recognize them when it's dark around us." Greek proverb says: "A friend to all is a friend to none (Aristotle)." I am not a friend to all and most of friends that I found are friends to all which means they are friends to none... Always when I think something about friends, I will right away tell them as what has been said by Blaise Pascal: "Few friendships would survive if each one knew what his friend says or thinks of him behind his back." It means honesty is important thing although it might be risky for friendship. I think maybe I am just a mingling friend by people. For me, I just believe that I should avoid people who thinks that I am that kind of person for a temporary period of time. I don't mingle with people but I seriously make friend and establishing silaturrahim with people. I do it in a very low-profile manner and I don't like to be seen by others who are not yet considered as 'friends' when chatting with friends that I had already established silaturrahim because not all people that we could establish friendship and brotherhood. I will message people and asking them this and that actually means that I am asking whether they are free for me to disturb them? It is known as Quranic manner (surah an-Nuur no. 24 verse 61). If people say nothing then it means they are occupied. Mingling only is not silaturrahim. We can just mingle with anyone then just leave them after we have no occasion anymore. Shake our hands, nodding head, smile, then go. Touch n Go. I have my own definition on friendship. It's not only friend. It also goes to brotherhood. It's not only physical brotherhood but also spiritual. We tie our spirit and soul as brothers. The definition might be primitive or orthodox but that is what I have in my mind.  

Bedouin Arab/Hebrew culture among them is that we are honest and treating guests nicely at night though we might be seen as evil (perhaps rude?) and torturing others in the daylight. People might see this as rude to tell the truth, but truth always hurt. That is why we never be offended with people who tell us right away what they think about us. Because we already realize about this fact. We never leave our brothers or those we consider as brothers alone and this custom or value is actually still practiced in my family though some of us actually never consider ourselves as Arabs anymore. I gave few brothers like Tabligh brothers that I encountered the link of this site because I talked about them. So, any of these proverbs could describe what I mean about myself and only an Arab/Hebrew could understand his own people thinking.

I heard many misleading quotations from Malay ustads and ustazas about us when they teach us history because they look at us as others and not as part of nations or ummah but I can do nothing except feeling down as I was a child. I actually realized about our Hadrami/South Arabian/Hebrew root and background but I became not interested anymore because of these quotes. Our foreign ancestors taught them religious teachings and kitabs and now we are degraded by people who was taught by our people while we never look down upon them. I always feel down and cease to mingle with people because of this.    

My Dad Background

I had already advised dad to visit masjids at home and comfort himself by befriending Allah and not to find human-being but he is still stubborn. Maybe he was surrounded by friends when he was young. People change, time will change everything. People also come and go. It is how the universe work. My dad is not an observant guy. His mother is the second wife of my grandpa and she was cast with black magic when she married my grandpa by a villager who wanted to marry her. Grandpa first wife was the same race with him and my paternal cousins are all looking like Arab-Indians some with red hair, pointed nose and some with yellowish skin. She died after suffering for long due to the poison cast on her through black magic. The time she died, my dad was just a three months year old toddler. So, my dad actually has no one to guide him in term of religion and etc. His father died when he was 12 years old. He was sent to Catholic mission schools in Alor Setar and Singapore because no public school wanted to accept him and living like a stayed goose. After I listened about his family background, I actually feel very sorry for him though I was also not treated like a normal child when I was in school or at home. We have sad stories about our family and I really hate it when I watch Malay dramas in our television since they are showing those black magic stuffs which also means encouraging people for that evil deeds. My maternal grandma had also experienced this but she was an observant lady who follows a certain tariqah so she could survive and also could walk to pray or listening teachings during insurgency time without being noticed by police or terrorists during post-colonial time. She never told me this, but villagers told me. She never speak any word about religion to me but only teaching trough practices.

My Beloved Grandma

I told him human-being are occupied with time, space, and others but not Allah Azza wa Jalla. He will listen to our words especially when we are alone. No matter how tortured I am and how lonely I am, I found that I only feel pain when I mingle with people but not when I am with Allah. I think I should avoid people and never talk with people anymore except if I need to deal or doing jobs that I would communicate with people. Further I think I am just scaring people and people might feel afraid to see me looking different and diverting from normal people. I realize this and that is why I try to avoid people. What I observed happening to dad actually scares me too. I also love my maternal grandma, but she already passed away. As I say, people come and go. People will also have to leave us no matter how close they are to us but not Allah. The tradition of anointing our head was actually inherited to me by her. She will call me and anoint me with oil but she used Indian sesame oil because we could not find olive oil at that time. She never anoint my other cousins who are the children of my maternal uncle or aunts. They never spend their time with her.

Life is Complicated Not as Easy as We May Think

Hurmm, actually life is not as easy as we think. It could be very complicated.... I don't really believe in happy endings in life since I always encounter problems. I just wish Allah helps me to further going through the future. What matters is in the present. So, Abdullah may you recite His Names and pleasing Him always.

Sealed with prayers for mercy, peace, and love, amin ya Rabbal 'aalamin!             

I Must be Committed

Assalaamu'alaikum wa rahmatullah

I had meditated in the musalla in between Maghrib and 'Isya services. Just browsing our tariqah prayer book and pondering on myself also about my sins. Since I heard many people talking about eating habit and how do I look like especially my little sister, I became a bit disobedient to His commandments which is not good for me. Girls are always like that and when she tells me about how do I look like, I thought that girls are afraid of me or maybe looking at me like an ugly guy so I began to take care about what food that I eat. I tried to take lots of carbohydrate which is our South East Asian staple food, rice but it ends out that I throw everything out. I can't grow anymore. The age for growing up is around 12-20 years old. Over the age it is the time we reverse to be old men or old women.

So, today I found a Chinese Muslim stall at Restu hostel but I have to walk a bit. The owner looks like Chinese so I am using the logic that he is a Chinese who puts on a white skull-cap, hahaha. I can't take food in Indian Muslim restaurant firstly, their food is too spicy and I am not familiar with their spices. Secondly, they only have limited selection of vegetables as compared to "forbidden" meats for me and the way they cook their vegetables make me wanted to puke so I always feel very sad when I accompanied friend because I can't be like them :'( I am familiar to curry and stuffs but they are not Indian style. They are Thai and Malay style where they use cinnamon and soft spices. Indian spices are too strong. It makes our body system became slow and tired as it is heavy and we can't perform prayer services easily apart that I have doubt on the cleanliness of Indian Muslim restaurant especially the way they prepare the food. It is not only about halal meat but also about the way they handle their kitchen. I began to strictly take vegetarian food again and I found the stall also serve non-mixed vegetable as I try to avoid meat again. 

Tomorrow I think I will have to fast again as to close my 'physical eyes' and 'thinking' so I would not think so much. Those thinking actually harms me, and it began when I see new undergraduate students happy faces, hahahaha. I am not envious to them but I began to compare my poor self with them. That is not good right? I had also downloaded food lists which are prohibited for poor people and hebrews. Yea, other Muslim brothers may take foods which are allowed in the glorious Quran according to their school of jurisprudence but we can't eat all of the food even though they are halal and we must obey it as poor people should not forget their status before Allah. I wish Allah helps me and giving me strength to perform fast again. Next time I must think on how Allah looks at me and not how His slaves looking at me. Slaves have no power to save me from hell or torments but only Allah is rightful to save me. They are not important figures as Allah. 

         

I think I must take off the mattress sheet and keeping the pillows in the closet. Because I should not sleep on the bed anymore. I must sleep on the floor according to my status. If not I will forget my status. Urmm, what else to add in the list ja? I had not change my surah memorization. I am stuck in both surah Maryam and surah Ta-Ha. I should finish the memorization and begin with strengthening my juz-amma recitation and memorization. Only after I finish the parts I could begin memorize surah al-Baqarah and so forth like normal madrasah students memorize their Quran. It's a bit messy because I began to memorize surah Maryam first while I was in Mecca. It was easy because I can directly see the Ka'aba and the surah automatically implanted in my "heart". I was also close to Zamzam well so I can drink as many water as I wanted to beside reciting salawat to get the surah implanted in my "heart". When I return only I feel that I begin to be dirty and filthy by worldly matters. I pray that Allah forgives me, I feel so weak but I still having my hope on Allah and trying to fight with all sort of teachings that teachers gave me. Yea, I should try to sleep early. Maybe I should burn some incense sticks to make my eyes burn so I will sleep early and wake up early for Allah, hahahaa.

Tomorrow evening also I think I should spend some time with Allah in the masjid. I think my nephews inspired me too although I don't really feel like talking to their dad which is my cousin brother. I just feel down with them and I should respect those who are older than me. I wanted to study our jurisprudence kitabs again after I finish this studies. The experience and the torture here is more than enough I guess. I made wrong decisions last time and it is one of my sins. I should choose Allah and not "friends". Then I should also quickly translating few important kitabs like prayer books, lectures or jurisprudence books regarding prayer services as personal presents/sacrifice for East Asian brothers. I hope they can also memorize Quran, prayers and supplications and understanding them without having to google-translate as the electronic translator is not accurate and do not have to read Tabligh books in Urdu. They have their own traditions so they must keep their old traditions and not imported traditions from India or Pakistan or Arabia. It is also for Muslims in Japan and Korea as they share the sphere in Yellow Sea. I was so terrified when I was in a little masjid in Gyotoku area in Chiba prefecture during my visit to Japan and listening to Friday prayer sermon in Urdu and not in Japanese while we were in Japan. How could people reconcile the path in the geo-cultural area with a language that they don't understand or with foreign cultures? So, that is why I dip myself again into sino-sphere though I actually had already abandon Chinese tradition and culture when we moved out from majority Chinese area to Malay majority area.   

Am off to buy some fasting preparation stuffs. I would be glad to welcome the Gharbis-Sabt (the Friday evening) so I must begin very early in Thursday. I guess this is today's note for myself. May Allah forgive my sins and let me memorize the Quran in full beside implanting in my heart the traditions of prophets. Make my unworthy vessel the bearer of Quran and sacred traditions. Please forgive my grandparents sins too ya Allah. I love them no matter now they are in "souls" form and not in form of human anymore. Please protect my parents ya Allah grant them good health to know You. Please protect everyone around me and those who has sinned me. They just don't know so please be Merciful to them. Make them fortunate always and open up for them the doors of sustenance for them. Please ya Allah bless Your prophets and messengers. Tell them I miss them. I wanted to kiss their feet when I see them in the hereafter. I wanted to see You too please permit me seeing Your Holy Appearance when the universe ends :')  

Sealed with prayers for mercy, peace and love, amin!    

Spanish Writing Test

Assalaamu'alaikum wa rahmatullah

  

Last Night 

I didn't sleep last night, hahaha. I can't sleep as I was terrified when my thesis appears in my mind as I close my eyes. Last night I had a long chat with Aida and Prema in messenger conference talking about thesis, thesis and thesis. Both of the girls are actually my colleague of different branch of studies. They are from Asian studies while I am from European studies. I just send them my third chapter for them to get some idea on methodology of the thesis. I sleep very late at 5:00 and wake up again about half an hour after to perform "shower" in cold water for Fajr prayer service. I just perform it in my room because I feel so sick. If I die alone in the room, I wish to the Lord that my body do not rot, do not decompose and do not bring me shame until I am being buried, hehehe.

Today

I just take the bus like always. We walk and we take the bus. I think that it's not wise to buy a motorcycle while I am only staying temporarily in the university. I actually feel lazy to go to the language class at the edge of the hill near the swimming pool. But I should not take everything for granted simply because I feel sick and bored with the class. The teacher is actually a nice girl. I don't call her "teacher" like those undergraduate kids calling her because I guess the teacher must be around my age. I just call her by her name, plus she is an European so no need to be so formal if we know the level of age. I don't have any problem with people from Western part of the world like from Europe and from Arabia. Their customs are more likely the same like our personal customs here taking to the account that we hold double "identity". I have problem to talk with "fellow" East Asians which also includes Malays because I am also well-versed in their customs and I will always think about manner according to their way of speech. Sometimes they do not practice the orthodox style of speech but I still speak to them in orthodox style because of being cautious. That is why I am furious with Indian Muslim who call themselves as Malays because they do not practice Malay style of life but they practice South Indian style of life which also include their food style and Tamil lingo sound of Northern Malay language. Their manner also does not reflect the manner of Malay nobility and they hijacked the term "Jawi Peranakan" from us while also including us of Yemeni Arabian ancestry either those who were stationed in India or coming directly from Arabia into the same line with them. It's very offensive because we are not Tamil speakers nor from Southern India. Our women ancestors some of them are of Malayan nobility lineage under the rank of local chieftains and court ministers of our state.

In the Class

I arrived late for few minutes at the class and the class had already began at 11:00 sharp. While I walked inside the room, the teacher already began the class. I was absent last Thursday so I actually had no idea on what they were talking about, lol. When it comes to my turn to answer the question, I just ramble out whatever that I had in my head. Thanks to American Latin Telenovelas that I watched when I was secondary school student. They helped me a lot. I still remember some offensive and vulgar dialogue in the South American Telenovelas like Yo Soy Betty la Fea where I love the scene of the girls known as el Cuartel fighting with la Pelitenida, a secretary girl who thinks that she is a model, hahahaha. Thanks to the Ladino song that I always listen which is Avram Avinu el Padre Muestro to remind me about our "sacred" heritage inherited through prophets and sages though that's not of Oriental tradition but of Spain. The song title means, Abraham our Father in Judeo-Latin. At the end of the class, the teacher handed us test paper to write about a trip plan to Spain. I just used vulgar Latin to answer it cause I don't know how to write in "real" Spanish. Hopefully that she understood my spelling and I don't even care if she failed me my test paper, haha.

Feel like I wanted to chepuk the face of undergraduate kids. I think maybe because I am stressed to see them enjoying their life while I have to live in torture and pressure. They just about to begin their journey here. Some might experience nice experience some like me who always consider ourselves as travelers will feel uncomfortable. I don't like to be treated like an old man by little kids as I am just a 26 years old guy. I behave more like a 19 years old boy and I am the one who actually should see those little kids with big bodies here like old men, hahaha. We are living in the same realm but discriminated. I regret that I didn't shift the hostel to postgraduate majority hostel but it takes time and a very tedious where I will have to write letters and shifting all of my stuffs alone would be a crazy thing because I have no one to help me here. I always encounter this kind of situation. Nothing that we can do.

At Home

When I arrived home after the class, I just take the "shower" again for Dhuhr prayer service. I refuse to join any political prayers regarding Palestine or Middle Eastern area so I don't join the after prayer supplications in musalla if I sense their prayer is directed toward enmity. I think that area of Mediterranean should be nuked in total where it would kill all of those pseudo-Muslim Palestinians and also Jews together if they think life is only about defending "pride" and bombing others. For me Jordan should not exist if the so-called Palestine land should exist. The Hashemite kingdom of Jordan is not native there and they were from Arabian Peninsula to begin with. It is so annoying when I talked with Jordanian or Palestinian and I had lived with few Palestinians before. They lectured my ears to get me into their side from early evening today until early in the morning tomorrow. Our elders had also performed pilgrimage to Jerusalem beside of the one in Mecca during colonial time. They just walked to Jerusalem from Arabia, so their stories about what they had experienced were also circulated among us. We know about these people behaviors more than whatever is told in the current news.I have more sympathy to brothers and sisters in Myanmar and those who are hidden from media-coverage. They should just stop acting and asking forgiveness from Allah for their disobedience rather than black-sheeping others.

Sealed with prayers for mercy, peace, and love, amin!        

   

安息日的事情

Assalaamu'alaikum wa rahmatullah

I'm sorry that currently my head was messed up and I made few posts in another language. I feel that I can't help my self to always feel low-self esteem especially when being a post-graduate students we are isolated and we are mentally tortured in solitary. I am also very angry with the hostel management, where they placed postgraduate students above the sky and discriminating their own Malaysian students who actually pays them in cash! As for young postgraduate student, I am so stressed with this situation. One problem is that, I have to mingle with weird old guys from Arabia (though I am of Arabian ancestry) and I also don't like to stay with Phd students because they are way too old. I can't do any activity with too old guys. It complicates my character more. I would not complain about this after I finish because it would be of no use talking to management. I won't return to the university anymore, insha Allah. Mum said that I am now diverting from the Path and I am now being kicked further to the worldly side. I cried everyday when mum's word echoing in my ears because she wasn't happy when I returned here. I didn't know why is this happening and I was only an ordinary guy. I wanted to be like others but I can't and always being placed in minority situation be it in religious traditions and worldly matters :'(  

Had already removed the flames from the box. It's difficult when we stay alone because nobody could guard the flames. Don't want it to hurt my Quran.

If talking to undergraduate students or those who never doing postgraduate, they would never understand how it feels. I knew few undergraduate students before who have to do thesis, I know how it feels if they talk about it to me because I can see it from their stressful appearance. It feels like being smashed thousands of times at the head day by day. Perhaps people are looking at me as a weird and strange guy. Some people might think this guy looks unusual in his appearance though they never talk to me about this. I can tell it by the way they look at me and I don't like people staring at me. We have this belief that the 'eyes' could harm the people who are stared at. If wanted to speak, just come close and talk but make sure only alone. Don't worry about how I would react, I will never treat people badly if people have no sin to me. I don't entertain people who come to me through friend and talking to me in a group. It is like Facepuke where we don't like people who we don't know suddenly come to us by another friend and talking to us. I just don't like to know people like this or talking in a group because it brings together 'satan'. It is also annoying when we speak we have to focus on many places... I would rather stay alone if I have to encounter this situation. I wish any brother who knows me and visiting this humble site could understand this : )

I am also apologizing if firstly I do not greet people and people are afraid to come closer to me. Maybe I am traumatized with the experience when I was a young undergraduate student talking to other cocky students like I care whether they are champions in sports, teaching primary school maths candidate teacher, fair skin guy or rich guy in case of cikgu Yusry who asked me why am I greeting him asking "how are you?" (hullo, Asian guys with fair skin are like women and I don't care about people's money, lol), having muscular body (some pathetic people in my previous hostel love to show off their body maybe to get attention *puke*),  having groups of friends (both religious and non-religious groups are the same for me, bunch of show off n mengada-ngada), or etc. That experience actually makes me like I am today.  Maybe I should also make lists of what I had experienced with people, ahahahhaahahahaha........ It seems like fun.

If people treat me like others perhaps I would not be looking different or weird. I began to wear all-black including my skull cap since last week which means I am turning away from society because people are looking at me like a strange guy. I have bad experience with people that make me like that but I never and will never treat people without manner if they talk with me like others had done to me because I don't like to be treated like that. I understood how does it feel and that makes me treat everyone including little child with dignity. I hardly make people lose their face because I care about people dignity like I care about my own dignity. When people don't tell anything that they feel they wanted to tell me too, I will count it as a sign that they are looking down at me and not assuming me as their believer 'brother'.

I don't know what to buy, just buying nonsense books and the white book reflects what I am now thinking, lol

Regarding Friends Around

It makes me thinking that the term 'brother' is just a rhetoric to be proud to people of other faith because it shows the success on persuading people to 'convert' into this and that faith. Maybe it is just to show off, to be proud to others and not because of pure heart for Allah sake. I have no time for this and personally I don't like to persuade people for followers or converting people. If people seriously wanted to establish "love and mercy" among nations, just be committed to it. Don't just talk about it and run away because once we are tested (reminder to myself), hehehe. I am watching and observing people. I am not only observing and watching the changing in myself.

If I still talk with people, it means I love them like my own relatives. If no talking, it means I am not worth to be with them and I was offended because I know I am not an important person that makes people treating me like a trash (poor people are trash, we cannot make friend with rich or fortunate people). Perhaps their status is very high as compared to me, a lowly servant who have nothing to offer in term of material. I am not really good in word and that is why I never speak so much in front of people. But that does not mean I could not phrasing my words. Sometimes people might not understand how I think. It is normal and it happens to everyone I guess.  

       

Yesterday I just bought few books because we've got RM200 voucher for students to buy book. It is apart of government campaign to encourage students to read. Earlier on Thursday, I just bought a Tajweed Quran with Chinese translation for personal use. I actually could not perform worldly jobs in Saturday without any necessity because today is a Holy and Sanctified day for us and strictly reserved for Holy Books recitation which includes Quran. However, I had already violated few laws since I am occupied with worldly matter which is this study that I am forced to finish and I typed my thesis references, haha. It is my fault anyway not of anyone because it was the course that I ticked my application form and because I think of other brother or perhaps friend. I met Charlie again this Friday while withdrawing but I just ignore him. Let him feel how I feel though I don't obviously do that! I always tolerate people but if it is for many times, I can't stand it anymore. We are human-being no robots. If he has other friends, then he should go and spend time with them. Not calling me while he is lonely because I am always alone. I also have my Friend and I feel guilty to forget Him for other friends who could never benefit me in the world or hereafter. From what I discussed with sister Ong regarding this issue, she said to me: "人是這樣的, 一個人的時就和你很好, 當他有了其他的朋友, 覺得你沒用了, 就不理你了, 有時候我們找朋友要很小心啊..." So, it means we have to be careful in searching friends. Actually I had been very cautious but I still being tricked like what I had experience with Charlie, with Jantr, and etc... I am tired of this same situation. Maybe I should accept the fact that we have to be isolated from around like our father, Ibrahim a.s and his children. Only those who experienced this will understood how father Ibrahim a.s feels.  

Sanctification of the day begin since after Friday prayer where I will take bath and cleaning my room. I will have to lit up two flames few minutes before Maghrib prayer service and turn off the electricity beside reciting personal prayers to welcome the day. I also put on the skull cap to remind myself to keep the covenant and promises. This is only our personal tradition. I had gradually abandon these personal traditions but after other brothers here making me feeling low-self esteem, I started it again because I am not their 'brother' in faith.    

I still have other brothers around me whom are invisible. They are with me always and in Saturday, two of them will be visiting me. My eyes could not see them. My ears could not listen to them. But they are talking to me and praying to with the amin closing of prayers.

Sealed with prayers for mercy, peace, and love, amin!