I Wanna Go Home

Assalaamu'alaikum wa rahmatullah

 Salem al-Ghawwas

I wanna go home. I don't want to see people anymore. This place sucks... I don't belong here. My 'time' here has finished when I was graduated as an undergraduate. 

I don't need this master certificate. It is useless anyway when I go out I will still have to show my degree certificate as people will refuse me if I show my master degree. But now I am almost to the end of the term. I regret accepting the letter. I regret coming here. I regret also mingled with people. I should avoid human-being. I should not study this. I think I am cursed by my elders prayers. My mother also had once prayed that I should be a jurist studying Shariah and the Path. When I talked and asked her she reveals that she indeed prayed that for me. I should not listen to any political leaders' words or being like others but only sticking to my ancestral path and fate. Now I feel everything is wrong in myself. I don't know whether I should knock my head to the wall or what? When I see people faces I just feel like I wanted to cry. All of my limited friends had also gone.

No Friends No Spiritual Brothers

I remembered that I only had three friends who never mingle together but only spending times with me at certain time when they are free during my undergraduate times. I had also lost contact with my friend during lower A-Level after I dropped out, Hisham. I can't make friends with people around when I was a primary or secondary school kid because I had identity conflict and Malay kids actually do not really accept me nor can I mingle with them :'( Now I could only think I should cease from the world without anyone realize it. I read from Abdul Malik Amrullah books. He said that a person actually can marry and have children but they will eventually find their friends to tell about their problems. I had see this happened to my father. Now, he is facing the problem which we call it as Jiwa Kacau (psychological problem). He used to have many friends before and spending his time drinking teh tarik at mamak restaurants or stalls. Last time an Indonesian brother had also told me if you feel bored go get marry when I said I am bored. Actually I am bored staying in USM and Penang not because I have no wife or girls to cuddle. I don't even care if people love me or not because I was never treated with love by people around. I just received insults and being offended. When I treat people with love it is because I don't want people to feel what I feel. They should not feel like that or being tortured.

No Magical nor Miracles

I feel lazy to argue with people when people always think an easy solution. I can't blame anyone and I do recognize that people are of different thoughts. So, I begin to disband myself from people. Because people sometimes talk without using their brain or simply because they never see the "whole picture" yet but only because they hear this from that thing or that person. From this blog or that blog. I am writing here not only from my readings although that also influence me. It is also from my experience of life that really happened. Also the conflicts that happened in myself regarding my religion and faith. I am reading hadith though I am not a Tabligh or Ahlul Hadith. I should be a jurist who studies Quran and Sunnah before this but now I was an outcast and not belong to any groups. I just returned to my family order when I realized about myself and my ethnicity. It's not my desire but it is our nature and we have no choice. I was angry when I listened to some Tabligh brothers talking about this wali (saint) or seeing saints. I don't know how they understood it maybe they think a saint is something like magical stuffs. I was angry to them because I love them and I don't want them to be 'cursed' and 'tested'. It is unbearable. Being a wali is not fun. These people do not necessarily wearing like turban or walking on the water or being from any mission order or movement. I saw few walis in my life among them were my maternal grandparents and I am aware about that. That is why I am very discreet when I am talking to people because I sometimes could sense them and I am afraid of the consequence for hurting them. They do not only live like poor people, but also facing torments from around. Even when they passed away with diseases, their own family leaving them alone. They help people a lot when they were alive but when it comes to them they just gone like that. People only realize about them after they passed away. Please kindly don't spread this wide to people I beg brothers and sisters who are visiting this meaningless side. I don't really want to hear any nonsense notions about magical stuffs or walis. There is no such thing. Indeed I have bad feeling when I hear the word wali or saint. 

Torturing       

Ya Allah! this is so torturing.... I wish nobody know me. I wish to be only wind. Nobody see me. I want to perish... I always pray like mother Maryam prayed when she was about to give birth to prophet Jesus a.s: "O dear... I wish that I am dead before this and being something which has no significance forgotten by everyone" (Surah Maryam v. 23). I hate myself, I hate this world. This world is not for me. I think I lived like an animal since I was a little child. People around treated me like I am a genie. I tried to check back my good memories, but nothing. I have no good memories. When I mingle with people around I just feel down especially nobody understand what happens in my inner side. I have no self-respect.

Ya Allah please forgive me for once being an Atheist or Zindiq or Buddhist whatever it is. I am so sorry I know and realized my sins. I cry to You dear Lord I try to return to my nature. I scared people away too and even missed few good friends because I think that I am not a good brother as compared to them. I just wanted to be like other normal people mingle around without talking about religion just simply be a lay man. But in the end I still become like this........ Please help me calm down ya Allah make me patient and guide me please with holy spirit. Indeed patience is beautiful. 

Ya Allah please don't let any of my beloved brother and sister experienced what I had experienced. Protect them please.      

Sealed with prayers for mercy, peace and love amin!  

Spanish Writing Test

Assalaamu'alaikum wa rahmatullah

  

Last Night 

I didn't sleep last night, hahaha. I can't sleep as I was terrified when my thesis appears in my mind as I close my eyes. Last night I had a long chat with Aida and Prema in messenger conference talking about thesis, thesis and thesis. Both of the girls are actually my colleague of different branch of studies. They are from Asian studies while I am from European studies. I just send them my third chapter for them to get some idea on methodology of the thesis. I sleep very late at 5:00 and wake up again about half an hour after to perform "shower" in cold water for Fajr prayer service. I just perform it in my room because I feel so sick. If I die alone in the room, I wish to the Lord that my body do not rot, do not decompose and do not bring me shame until I am being buried, hehehe.

Today

I just take the bus like always. We walk and we take the bus. I think that it's not wise to buy a motorcycle while I am only staying temporarily in the university. I actually feel lazy to go to the language class at the edge of the hill near the swimming pool. But I should not take everything for granted simply because I feel sick and bored with the class. The teacher is actually a nice girl. I don't call her "teacher" like those undergraduate kids calling her because I guess the teacher must be around my age. I just call her by her name, plus she is an European so no need to be so formal if we know the level of age. I don't have any problem with people from Western part of the world like from Europe and from Arabia. Their customs are more likely the same like our personal customs here taking to the account that we hold double "identity". I have problem to talk with "fellow" East Asians which also includes Malays because I am also well-versed in their customs and I will always think about manner according to their way of speech. Sometimes they do not practice the orthodox style of speech but I still speak to them in orthodox style because of being cautious. That is why I am furious with Indian Muslim who call themselves as Malays because they do not practice Malay style of life but they practice South Indian style of life which also include their food style and Tamil lingo sound of Northern Malay language. Their manner also does not reflect the manner of Malay nobility and they hijacked the term "Jawi Peranakan" from us while also including us of Yemeni Arabian ancestry either those who were stationed in India or coming directly from Arabia into the same line with them. It's very offensive because we are not Tamil speakers nor from Southern India. Our women ancestors some of them are of Malayan nobility lineage under the rank of local chieftains and court ministers of our state.

In the Class

I arrived late for few minutes at the class and the class had already began at 11:00 sharp. While I walked inside the room, the teacher already began the class. I was absent last Thursday so I actually had no idea on what they were talking about, lol. When it comes to my turn to answer the question, I just ramble out whatever that I had in my head. Thanks to American Latin Telenovelas that I watched when I was secondary school student. They helped me a lot. I still remember some offensive and vulgar dialogue in the South American Telenovelas like Yo Soy Betty la Fea where I love the scene of the girls known as el Cuartel fighting with la Pelitenida, a secretary girl who thinks that she is a model, hahahaha. Thanks to the Ladino song that I always listen which is Avram Avinu el Padre Muestro to remind me about our "sacred" heritage inherited through prophets and sages though that's not of Oriental tradition but of Spain. The song title means, Abraham our Father in Judeo-Latin. At the end of the class, the teacher handed us test paper to write about a trip plan to Spain. I just used vulgar Latin to answer it cause I don't know how to write in "real" Spanish. Hopefully that she understood my spelling and I don't even care if she failed me my test paper, haha.

Feel like I wanted to chepuk the face of undergraduate kids. I think maybe because I am stressed to see them enjoying their life while I have to live in torture and pressure. They just about to begin their journey here. Some might experience nice experience some like me who always consider ourselves as travelers will feel uncomfortable. I don't like to be treated like an old man by little kids as I am just a 26 years old guy. I behave more like a 19 years old boy and I am the one who actually should see those little kids with big bodies here like old men, hahaha. We are living in the same realm but discriminated. I regret that I didn't shift the hostel to postgraduate majority hostel but it takes time and a very tedious where I will have to write letters and shifting all of my stuffs alone would be a crazy thing because I have no one to help me here. I always encounter this kind of situation. Nothing that we can do.

At Home

When I arrived home after the class, I just take the "shower" again for Dhuhr prayer service. I refuse to join any political prayers regarding Palestine or Middle Eastern area so I don't join the after prayer supplications in musalla if I sense their prayer is directed toward enmity. I think that area of Mediterranean should be nuked in total where it would kill all of those pseudo-Muslim Palestinians and also Jews together if they think life is only about defending "pride" and bombing others. For me Jordan should not exist if the so-called Palestine land should exist. The Hashemite kingdom of Jordan is not native there and they were from Arabian Peninsula to begin with. It is so annoying when I talked with Jordanian or Palestinian and I had lived with few Palestinians before. They lectured my ears to get me into their side from early evening today until early in the morning tomorrow. Our elders had also performed pilgrimage to Jerusalem beside of the one in Mecca during colonial time. They just walked to Jerusalem from Arabia, so their stories about what they had experienced were also circulated among us. We know about these people behaviors more than whatever is told in the current news.I have more sympathy to brothers and sisters in Myanmar and those who are hidden from media-coverage. They should just stop acting and asking forgiveness from Allah for their disobedience rather than black-sheeping others.

Sealed with prayers for mercy, peace, and love, amin!        

   

安息日的事情

Assalaamu'alaikum wa rahmatullah

I'm sorry that currently my head was messed up and I made few posts in another language. I feel that I can't help my self to always feel low-self esteem especially when being a post-graduate students we are isolated and we are mentally tortured in solitary. I am also very angry with the hostel management, where they placed postgraduate students above the sky and discriminating their own Malaysian students who actually pays them in cash! As for young postgraduate student, I am so stressed with this situation. One problem is that, I have to mingle with weird old guys from Arabia (though I am of Arabian ancestry) and I also don't like to stay with Phd students because they are way too old. I can't do any activity with too old guys. It complicates my character more. I would not complain about this after I finish because it would be of no use talking to management. I won't return to the university anymore, insha Allah. Mum said that I am now diverting from the Path and I am now being kicked further to the worldly side. I cried everyday when mum's word echoing in my ears because she wasn't happy when I returned here. I didn't know why is this happening and I was only an ordinary guy. I wanted to be like others but I can't and always being placed in minority situation be it in religious traditions and worldly matters :'(  

Had already removed the flames from the box. It's difficult when we stay alone because nobody could guard the flames. Don't want it to hurt my Quran.

If talking to undergraduate students or those who never doing postgraduate, they would never understand how it feels. I knew few undergraduate students before who have to do thesis, I know how it feels if they talk about it to me because I can see it from their stressful appearance. It feels like being smashed thousands of times at the head day by day. Perhaps people are looking at me as a weird and strange guy. Some people might think this guy looks unusual in his appearance though they never talk to me about this. I can tell it by the way they look at me and I don't like people staring at me. We have this belief that the 'eyes' could harm the people who are stared at. If wanted to speak, just come close and talk but make sure only alone. Don't worry about how I would react, I will never treat people badly if people have no sin to me. I don't entertain people who come to me through friend and talking to me in a group. It is like Facepuke where we don't like people who we don't know suddenly come to us by another friend and talking to us. I just don't like to know people like this or talking in a group because it brings together 'satan'. It is also annoying when we speak we have to focus on many places... I would rather stay alone if I have to encounter this situation. I wish any brother who knows me and visiting this humble site could understand this : )

I am also apologizing if firstly I do not greet people and people are afraid to come closer to me. Maybe I am traumatized with the experience when I was a young undergraduate student talking to other cocky students like I care whether they are champions in sports, teaching primary school maths candidate teacher, fair skin guy or rich guy in case of cikgu Yusry who asked me why am I greeting him asking "how are you?" (hullo, Asian guys with fair skin are like women and I don't care about people's money, lol), having muscular body (some pathetic people in my previous hostel love to show off their body maybe to get attention *puke*),  having groups of friends (both religious and non-religious groups are the same for me, bunch of show off n mengada-ngada), or etc. That experience actually makes me like I am today.  Maybe I should also make lists of what I had experienced with people, ahahahhaahahahaha........ It seems like fun.

If people treat me like others perhaps I would not be looking different or weird. I began to wear all-black including my skull cap since last week which means I am turning away from society because people are looking at me like a strange guy. I have bad experience with people that make me like that but I never and will never treat people without manner if they talk with me like others had done to me because I don't like to be treated like that. I understood how does it feel and that makes me treat everyone including little child with dignity. I hardly make people lose their face because I care about people dignity like I care about my own dignity. When people don't tell anything that they feel they wanted to tell me too, I will count it as a sign that they are looking down at me and not assuming me as their believer 'brother'.

I don't know what to buy, just buying nonsense books and the white book reflects what I am now thinking, lol

Regarding Friends Around

It makes me thinking that the term 'brother' is just a rhetoric to be proud to people of other faith because it shows the success on persuading people to 'convert' into this and that faith. Maybe it is just to show off, to be proud to others and not because of pure heart for Allah sake. I have no time for this and personally I don't like to persuade people for followers or converting people. If people seriously wanted to establish "love and mercy" among nations, just be committed to it. Don't just talk about it and run away because once we are tested (reminder to myself), hehehe. I am watching and observing people. I am not only observing and watching the changing in myself.

If I still talk with people, it means I love them like my own relatives. If no talking, it means I am not worth to be with them and I was offended because I know I am not an important person that makes people treating me like a trash (poor people are trash, we cannot make friend with rich or fortunate people). Perhaps their status is very high as compared to me, a lowly servant who have nothing to offer in term of material. I am not really good in word and that is why I never speak so much in front of people. But that does not mean I could not phrasing my words. Sometimes people might not understand how I think. It is normal and it happens to everyone I guess.  

       

Yesterday I just bought few books because we've got RM200 voucher for students to buy book. It is apart of government campaign to encourage students to read. Earlier on Thursday, I just bought a Tajweed Quran with Chinese translation for personal use. I actually could not perform worldly jobs in Saturday without any necessity because today is a Holy and Sanctified day for us and strictly reserved for Holy Books recitation which includes Quran. However, I had already violated few laws since I am occupied with worldly matter which is this study that I am forced to finish and I typed my thesis references, haha. It is my fault anyway not of anyone because it was the course that I ticked my application form and because I think of other brother or perhaps friend. I met Charlie again this Friday while withdrawing but I just ignore him. Let him feel how I feel though I don't obviously do that! I always tolerate people but if it is for many times, I can't stand it anymore. We are human-being no robots. If he has other friends, then he should go and spend time with them. Not calling me while he is lonely because I am always alone. I also have my Friend and I feel guilty to forget Him for other friends who could never benefit me in the world or hereafter. From what I discussed with sister Ong regarding this issue, she said to me: "人是這樣的, 一個人的時就和你很好, 當他有了其他的朋友, 覺得你沒用了, 就不理你了, 有時候我們找朋友要很小心啊..." So, it means we have to be careful in searching friends. Actually I had been very cautious but I still being tricked like what I had experience with Charlie, with Jantr, and etc... I am tired of this same situation. Maybe I should accept the fact that we have to be isolated from around like our father, Ibrahim a.s and his children. Only those who experienced this will understood how father Ibrahim a.s feels.  

Sanctification of the day begin since after Friday prayer where I will take bath and cleaning my room. I will have to lit up two flames few minutes before Maghrib prayer service and turn off the electricity beside reciting personal prayers to welcome the day. I also put on the skull cap to remind myself to keep the covenant and promises. This is only our personal tradition. I had gradually abandon these personal traditions but after other brothers here making me feeling low-self esteem, I started it again because I am not their 'brother' in faith.    

I still have other brothers around me whom are invisible. They are with me always and in Saturday, two of them will be visiting me. My eyes could not see them. My ears could not listen to them. But they are talking to me and praying to with the amin closing of prayers.

Sealed with prayers for mercy, peace, and love, amin!