Today I am Fasting

Assalaamu'alaikum wa rahmatullah

I love to fast during Mondays and Thursdays. Well, our friends could actually see that we develop optional worship from the basic form of obligatory ones. Lately, I have been exploring the life of prophets, prophet Muhammad s.a.w, the companions, the generation of followers, the generation after the followers, the pious predecessors and the pious generations to come. I will just return to their "life" narrations when I feel vulnerable. 

I am trying to donate my clothes and materials that I do not need too. Not all of them were from my earning but I just received them as donation from my relatives and close acquaintance such as Azren. I think I am going to wash them again with my hand as to make them clean and sew the torn parts at my clothes so they would look better before I give them out. I had stopped using the washing machine since I unexpectedly quit my job after some "discussions" with my younger sisters. I just want to leave behind with me some pairs of shirts, trousers and two white garments which I used for my ihram during the pilgrimage. I think I would like to be buried with those white garments too when I leave behind everything. I am glad I had finished my master graduate but I regret that I still cannot pay the government loan and also repay my mother jewelries. She sold them all to help me with registration without telling me that she sold them in 2010. I just cried like a crazy little boy when I get to know this fact because I think I had tyrannized my mother... If I know earlier I would just quit everything and return home to work as to finish all the loan. Anyway, whatever happened is fated. We would be looking forward for our destiny. I just regret my sisters do not understand their only "stupid" brother who loves to work the hard way here, haha... Anyway I wish them all the best too. I hope they could all get married and living a nice comfortable life with their families. The old me has long died since I went to the pilgrimage in 2005-2006... 

Basically what I do before I fast is just the same like my previous posts. Now, this is my life at home, hehe. I would take some chunks of bread for breakfast before the dawn prayer service time. Maybe some milk. Because we do not have fresh milk here so I just take whatever that I could see in the kitchen. Of course with limited quantity because I cannot take anything if my family members say nothing to me. I am afraid of taking whatever is not given because it will held me accountable to the punishment in hereafter. I just have a very very simple meals without any elaborate stuffs like gravy or anything. Simply bread, cookies, some fruits, plain rice with fresh vegetables or simply drinking plain water if I cannot find anything. It depends on what ever left over by people at home. I do not take any food prepared before they eat them first and leaving behind things because I wanted to know how much is my sustenance at that day in this period waiting for my father.   

I would go for shower around 4:00 in the morning because nowadays the prayer services become earlier than ever. Then I would apply some olive oil if I still have them with me in the container at the Quran shelf and if I do not rush. I walk to the mosque like 10 minutes and I avoid myself from going to the closer musalla. Why am I doing so? People might be talking behind me and I know that. I do not like people to see my practices. I do not practice the same thing like mainstream people because I have a paralyzed father at home, I have many female siblings where I have to keep my manner in a very polite way, I cannot go to work or live like normal people because of my family is not stable since my father had fallen due to the strokes and I am trying to memorize the Quran "fully" before I reach 30 years old. I am now a 27 years old guy. I feel that my time is very close everyday despite that people in my age are enjoying their late 20's life. Human is mortal and we cannot live like thousands of years. The same thing also happen to the universe as it flows and cease to be in existence by His will. 

Then I do not try to open the gate of the mosque because people would mistaken me for a thief. Many people would steal from the mosque. I would just climb up the little mountain in front of the mosque and beginning to control my breath, recite Ma'turat, some verses from Quran, memorize the verses or trying to contemplate the meaning and the Glorious Attributes of the God the Highest to start my morning. I do not recite them after the prayer services because I would have to find hidden places to recite them as to avoid from disturbing others. I tried to teach my father all of these but he was too old when I revealed everything to him. He is now a 65 years old paralyzed man. When I tried to talk to him during I practiced the non-Islamic lifestyle I actually wanted to have a dialogue with him and people around. But people did not get the signs. Now, I speak very little with my voice. Perhaps like two or three words a day. I do not think that people around like my sisters or even mother would understand me. So, I just keep my silence even more. 

The whole day while waiting in the 11 x 11 x 11 x 11 feet room, I would just stay in contemplation without talking. Memorizing stuffs as much as I can and trying to recite them again alone. Basically I read Quranic exegesis, checking points about contemplation, reading about Sharia, reciting the basic matters about Islam again and again and recite the hadiths that I know just to perform them again as a practice in whatever space that available. If I cannot perform the da'awa to human, I could still perform the da'awa to the "hidden" brothers, haha... Life is not only about whatever that we can see with our plain eyes. The Quran speaks about metaphysical life too.

Then, to break the fast too I would just drink plain water at the dusk hour. Or simply eating the same thing like I had during the pre-dawn breakfast. If I have some money from my previous savings then I would withdraw them and buy a piece of plain chapati or plain prata roti from the Indian Muslim restaurant and buying some milk like the RM1.50 Dutchlady from the shop's fridge. I plan to xerox my resume in the next two weeks time if it is for this year. Or maybe waiting for the next year to start all over just like what I wrote in my diary. My distance acquaintance Mr. Azrul from Kelantan was quite helpful in providing me information about operational jobs in a hotel. I check every detail about the jobs in a hotel such as waiter, steward, cleaner, bell boy, and others. 

Some people might frown at why a master graduate work like this. Let me tell you people. Not all people are fortunate like you! Besides being happy with your life, enjoying it, you perhaps need to have some empathy to the others. It does not mean that you have to donate anything to others or to say anything to them. But simply having an empathy is a donation itself toward a better universe. These are just a sharing. I am not doing all of these on purpose or simply to feel the life of the poor people. I am just living according to my situation and capability other than being a victim among other victims of the situation since 1990's.  

Other days, I do not really take much food too. I just drink some water with rice mixed with ghee or some salt. Sometimes it will end up as a fast too for that day because I do not touch anything. I am not in the stage of being a beggar yet and perhaps I would never commit that. It is a disgrace to prophet Muhammad s.a.w, a disgrace to father Ali r.a. and mother Fatima al-Zahra r.a! If there is nothing then just recite the dhikr. We die only once but not many times unless if there is reincarnation like in the hell where the sinners will be alive and dead and alive and dead up to the period where the God the Highest closes the hell and the disbelievers will be wrapped together and die forever there (I cannot remember the source but there are sources about this. Do not take this as a definite argument in people's speeches!). 

This humble servant fast an optional fast as a sacrifice to keep himself and bringing his life closer to the God the Highest. May the God the Highest be my Defender, be my Protector and be my Lover always in the quest to seek His Glorious Appearance in the hereafter and to seek His pleasure.

Sealed with prayers for mercy, peace and love, amin!          

Darkness after the Light

Assalaamu'alaikum wa rahmatullah

Daily Life Experience

In this period of distress, because my father is bedridden since May 2012 and brothers and sisters could imagine how long he is in that condition. I stopped for few moments joining communal worship. The paralysis happened to my father is framed in the phrase, "one's body is the tomb of his soul". The other world is of course another story. How patient he is in that condition. I prayed that may the God the Highest forgives him whatever his errors and I forgive him too on whatever that he erred to me. 

When I ponder, he actually has done countless good things over me and to others. He encouraged me to study to the highest level that I can and he supported me. I just regret that I did not get to be his company when he was alone. I was also in trouble at the time trying to finish up the thesis. On the other hand, I had to become a counsel for sisters when they were in trouble, listening to mother crying over sisters and being the only boy in a home with all sister siblings could be stressful. I did not have any friend at home nor can I talk about boy's matter with them. Woman and man are different. 

Sometimes, I tried to meditate and closing my eyes but there are also times that I could not control my emotion. I simply burst out and it taints the environment around. I feel guilty and avoiding from looking at people's face after that. But most of all, I am thankful to the God the Highest. He kept me away from evil companies that will mislead me to destruction. He leads me to Him and I only know to find Him in the holy sanctuary, the mosque. I do not care if people call me crazy when I am in deep thought thinking about Him. Let them think whatever they wanted too. Sometimes, I would just chant holy verses and checking my pronunciation out loud at a comfortable place where no one performs prayer service.   

Last night I was keeping my father a company, and I simply sit at the sofa to signify to my mother that she should have some rest in her private room. She is a woman. It is ok I will take care of my father. I do not really sleep at night and reading some books and treatises. Early in the morning at 4:00 I perform the shower and praying for blessings and forgiveness under the pouring water. I cannot think myself as a good person though I go for prayer services. I still feel myself as an evil sinner. I feel guilty for not joining the daily communal worship simply because I do not want to see people's face. That is hypocrisy can I say. It is an ugly attitude. So, I just went to pray in communal worship. I am just writing this here to remind myself. 

After the 'Asr prayer service, I just sat in meditation at the pillar of the musalla. At that time, few people gathered there to listen to the Fadhilat al-'Amal recited by the guy who is a member of the Tabligh movement. I would actually try to avoid them. First of all, I do not like to talk with people broadly nor being interviewed. Most of all, the sunnah which I perform is not to be seen but only for the God. The obligatory one is of course free to be seen because it is not optional and offered in communal services. The other is, I will leave people when they start to speak in the "show off" tone or leaving behind the God the Highest and neglecting other souls (ego). Does not matter if it is coated with religious notions or in other means. I do not care if people call me an insolent. They are free to do so as that is their mouth. 

Never be Deceived

But, this evening I feel tired of running here and there simply to find a comfortable place to chant the litanies. So, I just remain there chanting litanies, closing my eyes while listening to them. I read those books such as Fadhilat al-'Amal when I am alone in the musalla and I made notes for them. I do not have any problem with their materials at all. I simply read anything that I think useful for "self" development. I listened about the "good words" and about not to be envious to the thing which is perceived as good received by the disbelievers. It says, "You have no knowledge about what will happen to the soul once it is pulled out from the body". 

This reminds me to a quote from Surat Ta-Ha v. 16 which means, "Thus, never let one avert you from "it" who does not believe in it and follows his desire, for you then would perish". It in the verse is a pragmatic for the God which is our creed and refers to the prayer services and performing the connection with Him in order to remember Him. This is my own understanding based from the very surah itself as the references to "it" come from the previous verses.  

Light Perishes

In this post, I would like to remind myself that a person who knows his own religion could also be deviated because of the darkness and poisons around. A Jew who would understood the principles of Torah, a Christian who would understood the wisdom of Jesus Christ and a Muslim who could differentiate the position of hadiths and knows the Quran could still be deviated from the Truth. It happens because he does not know how to control his desire and lust. The scripture knowledge that he has at a time would be useless at all for him. 

The God says in al-A'araf v. 175 which means, "And read for them the news about those who were brought to them our evidences, but they detached themselves from them; Thus Satan pursued him and he became among the deviators". 

Because of the lust and desires, the verses that he knows does not bringing any light to his soul, but making it darker. In the end, he becomes the follower of Satan until the verses he memorized were wrongly used. He becomes lost and lost. Just like in an example of a man who lives in the Holy Mecca for such a long time and people around look at him as a learned scholar, but because he is deviated by the Satan he becomes a drunk and leaves behind his prayer services. Thus, a person asked him, "Why are you drunk?" He answers, "There is no such evidence in the Quran or the Hadith which says that a drunk would be cast off into the hell". And regarding prayer, he says, "The Surah al-Ma'un mentions that the Wayl is for those who pray." Because he is deceived by his lust and desires so he is still twisting the fact by using the verses he memorized to defend the wrong way. He memorized the Quran and the Hadiths, but those holy verses and traditions were long detached from his soul. He is naked. 

And we pray with Surah ali-'Imran v. 8, "Our Lord, let not our hearts deviate, now after You have guided us but grant us mercy from Your own presence; for You are the Grantor of bounties without measure"...       

Sealed with prayers for mercy, peace and love, amin!

We are Here Because of Destiny

Assalaamu'alaikum wa rahmatullah

First of all, I am offering my praises to the Lord of the universe the Highest. For the boundless mercy over creatures for the air that we breath, for the earth for us to walk upon, for the food that we eat and for the drinks that we drink in order for us to gain strength to worship Him alone.

I have a conflict last week and I am not going to talk about this in detail. It concerns with women issue and as brothers and sisters know. I live with women all my life. I have five sisters. I am the fourth child of my parents and the only son. Arab communities always think that daughters would be traitors to the family and clan. That is why when my father received few baby girls and each time as what people around told me; he was so disappointed. Thus, when he went for the pilgrimage during the season around 1984 and he prayed at the Holy Mecca for a baby son. And in 1986, I was born and I was a boy. He was so happy and he organized a large 'aqiqah for me. So, while being a fourth child I am actually by rites a first born son. By religious rites here, I have to perform religious rites for my parents which also includes filial piety to them. I cannot go to work nor going anywhere when one of them is bedridden.

Now, here the story begins. I have got the job as a protection clerk in the United Nation High Commission for Refugees. And I reported for the post in the 10th of September 2013 just after my name being submitted to the headquarter in Bangkok. Well, I found that the account manager there was quite a pain in the ass. I am just going to name her as C.C for confidential reason. The first time I went there, I felt like why the people there are so weird? As if working in the area is like working in some great place? Those who work there like some cool, precious or maybe smart? Because they are working for the United Nations? I thought that they who includes that C.C lady are just contractors who are hired for a project known as the United Nations Office for Project Services (UNOPS) and not the staff of the United Nations in the real sense, LOL... 

I went there for about four days and it was like a training for me. Well, I actually did not know who was my supervisor but I met those three guys who interviewed me in the box-like office. They gave some excerpts about refugees to me. Well, I know some portions about the Convention 1951 and I still can recall it. I did some jobs like signing the asylum seeker cards, keeping documents and files containing the details of the refugees in order at the file room, learning the finger print system which is quite complicated, and taking pictures for asylum seekers' card renewal as to make sure that their rights as the refugees being protected when being arrested by national immigration. I enjoyed doing the jobs. I love to talk with those refugees and most of them are from Myanmar which also includes the Rohingyas. I only do not like the HR manager who thinks that I am a stupid little kid who has no working experience just because I studied for five years in the varsity and the finger print system which is complicated and makes my job slower.

I have no transportation of my own so I just go to work by public transportation namely the ERL from the Putrajaya station to KL Central and the Monorail at the Hang Tuah Station. Then, I would have to walk like 20 minutes to the office. I worked from 8:00 up to 19:00 and I sometimes had to skip either my 'Asr or Dhuhr prayer service depending on the arrival of those Rohingya refugees who were bailed from the immigration charge due to that they are the asylum seekers. They will further being interrogated by the investigation offices in the UNHCR here to decide whether they are refugees or else. I arrived home at 21:00 in that four days working. At night, I would have to take care of my father's needs and he could pour those "stools" at 3:00 or 4:00 early in the morning. I have to clean them for him or else he cannot sleep until the morning and he cannot do that on his own.

At day four working, I had some conflict with my younger sister and I woke up late to the office because I was so exhausted. The conflicts is with regard to some "heart" problem which I feel very irritated with people who loves to compare people with themselves and it is also about filial piety to the bed-ridden father. Other than that, my mother really wanted to see me on the convocation stage which I do not know what to say anymore since I have many other important things to do than that. So, I wrote the resignation letter and emailed it to the office. I return to Penang Island at the USM because I have to claim my scroll in 20th of September. And my mother wanted to follow me as well since she said that it is also her desire. She was the one who was so excited to ask me to get some leaves for that convocation ceremony. I personally do not think that the ceremony is important but because that is her desire so I followed her desire. I had to answer the tests provided in the website and presenting the certificates to the HR manager in a week time from the day I began my job and I cannot manage to do that with so many problems in a time pooping over my head. So, I wrote resignation letter as a way out for all of these problems. And here I am... Jobless again. I feel shy to apply for the contract job at the previous office closer at home because I think that when our time in a place finished. Then, we should never appear there anymore in that position. This is not only principles but it is also related to the "time".  

I send text messages to Azren last night. Then, he told me that he talked with a hafidh al-Quran and he found that it is interesting. Then, one of an uncle at their conversation place asked the guy, "If we are to be a hafidh al-Quran, is there any examination for us to pass?" He answered, "Yea, we have to memorize a page in 20 minutes". He said in his heart, "Ok, it means that in my stage now I cannot take the Quran Memorizing course anymore". The guy said, "Not all people could do this..." Then, he was speechless and thinking that maybe the guy is right. We have to accept whatever has been destined to us. He just got mixed feelings on what has been said by the guy. Azren said to me, "We cannot change anything including ourselves in our stage right now, right?".... For his question... I could just talk about the Fardh al-'Ayn and Fardh al-Kifayah... But it is not too late to start memorizing the Quran as I always encourage my brothers and sisters to memorize and to practice with the Quran. It is useful for us to conduct the life while making our body the vessel for the Holy Word of the Highest.

In the end, everything that happens in our life is whatever that He destined over us. Do not blame your brother or sister when you see them being stricken with calamities by saying that, "This or that happens because of your own fault!". That is an arrogant statement. We can plan, we can pray and persuade the Highest through prayers but it is Him who decides. And never think that everything bad befalls us as the sign of His wrath. Does not mean that who lives easily with great things in their life are receiving His blessings or He is pleased with them. Perhaps it is the mask for the other torments to come which is hiding behind those "good" things.

I have received another good news too that my friend, Amir is also getting a job as an administration staff in the UUM. Well, congratulations to him. He is jobless for about five years and working on his own as rubber tapper and doing other house chores like looking after his brother and sisters. I hope he could go through the working world easily and could improve his life to a better one, insha Allah. For the time being, I will be waiting for my father. What else that I can do? Everybody is going to work leaving behind my mother alone. She cannot take care a paralyzed man alone. So, I am sacrificing myself for everyone happiness even I am a man. I am sacrificing myself for my sisters. Giving them the chance to work, keeping some money and get marry before leaving us for their husbands.

In these few weeks, I try to avoid people around. I did not even participate in my younger sister's engagement ceremony. We are not from the same congregation and how could one with empty stomach eats at the same table with others and fulfilled from the hunger? I have dignity. Dignity is different from pride or arrogance. It is the force which protects the banner of Hashemites from fallen when we were attacked by those who looked down upon the poor and the weak.

You are the ocean of love... You are the ocean of love... We are thirsty for a single drop of Your love.... We will perish away in eternal death if you turn away from us.... - Prabodh Chandra Dey/Jay Kishen 1955

Sealed with prayers for mercy, peace and love, amin!

New Job

Assalaamu'alaikum wa rahmatullah

Hurm... I do not know where to begin with. I went for an interview in an intergovernmental organization in Kuala Lumpur around July and I expected nothing, hehe. I just went there to try my luck and you know this ancient Indian phrase which means "moving the machine" is actually related to the actions. I am just translating everything into English rather than using Pali or Sanskrit words so everyone could see what we understood from our previous experience being a student of Buddhism, Brahmanism and other ancient Indian philosophies.

I applied for an entree position in the organization as I had a missing line in my resume related to the years of working experience. I went to further my studies because of various thoughts. Basically, I understood the rules in seeking the job where famous companies or organizations would basically looking at our experience of working in certain field of job because they do not want to waste their time and capitals in training new employees. Talents and others would be screened later. For that, I would have to apply for an entry position and planning my career again. I actually wanted to study Islam and returning to the unfinished task which I had to pursue last time. That was my highest responsibility or what is known as the fardh al-kifayah for me. But, it seems like this is just a dream that is far from the reach. It is kicking me far from itself and it was my fault. I cried and always blaming my wretched self for this.    

I did not go for the test in the Malaysian Books' Translation Institute in Wangsa Maju. I know that we are not valued anywhere in the country other than what can we do with Malay? We cannot survive as Malay translators because nobody respect the language. I had read about what happened to Abdullah Munsyi from Malacca. That guy is a Yemenite from a Tamil mother. He translated New Testament: Matthew into Classical Malay and was stamped as a Christian priest by locals. I had seen his other translations in our university library last time. He also translated the Panchatantram into Classical Malay as well as other books. Some of his notes such as about Kelantan perhaps were quite bias because he was not traveling so much nor mingling with the Eastern Coast people much but I think we should do researches with clear mind before throwing out our perceptions. Anyway, my father though a Yemenite by descent but he is a staunch Malay language supporter. He wrote poems, expressing his feelings and articles in Malay. It is the only mother tongue that he knows. Arabic only serve as our liturgical language like what happened to other Arab or even Jewish diasporas across the world. It is still vaguely spoken by our elders but becoming an alien language once they passed away.

I also have large corpus of materials related to Judeo-Christian literature and Christian apocrypha. I translated them into Malay just after I read them few times together with Islamic and other philosophical readings either from English or Arabic while I did nothing. However, they are not for public release and I will never release them to people. They simply serve as exercises for mind and personal references for me. Sometimes I released them by accident and I always regret myself and trying to erase them before others could read them. Now, because of this I would like brothers and sisters who know me out there to know. I did not mingle so much with you as I love you. I do not want you to misunderstood anything which comes out of my mouth or my mind. Especially, when you are just mingling with people of the same group or way of thinking. I am not a person who conform to normal social norm. I have my own standard.

By the way, I am going to be a contract staff again for another six months beginning next Monday. I quit from the post of Public Relations Trainee in the Corporate Communications Unit in the Prime Minister's Department. My payment there was on daily basis at the rank of N17 clerk though I had to also do the jobs of my superiors. I am not quitting from the post because of the low payment. I am thankful to them for the opportunities given to prove myself and for offering me the letter to continue my contract. Especially to my boss and my supervisor. They were late to announce that I would be promoted into the M41 rank with two years contract as I received the call from the new work place asking my confirmation to accept the post earlier than that.

I am just curious about the the new job and men always have to get involved with risky things and challenges, right? My new office would be in the United Nations High Commission for Refugees. Well, it is only a contract based job but I could apply for other posts in the system once I am an internal person. What concerns me now is that I live far from my work place. I would have to plan my driving route and time.... How could I perform my obligations such as salat services when I am working there.... My responsibility as a son to a bed-ridden father... 

I end my working hour early today without attending the farewell party which was held together with Eid al-Fitri feast for the office because I simply do not know what else to say. I said everything to my boss just before I quit today. And I wrote another note on my station (desk) saying thanks to everyone besides apologizing on my shortcomings before leaving. It was in English and I feel sorry for not respecting the national language but I use to think and write in English. I still have four remaining days as according to the previous contract. But I had given the resignation and handing-tasks letters to the boss since last week. I have no one to train so lucky me, haha... I would have to hand in my documents to the new office at their human resource on this Friday, 6th September 2013.

Oh, yeah just after I walked out from my office I took a bus to the shopping mall. I went to the temporary musalla and performing the Dzuhr service. Then I went to have some noodles. After that, I went down and randomly bought a ticket in the cinema. I watched a movie titled Mortal Instruments: the City of Bones alone. It was not so much impressive but I could say that it is just a nice movie with some Gothic elements in the settings. The movie ends around 17:00 something and I went to the musalla performing 'Asr service. I bought some rice and ate them before returning home. 

I performed Maghrib and 'Isya prayer services at the musalla near home. Not walking up the hill like always. I am not sure whether I could regularly go there when I am going to start with my new job. I am going to miss the mosque up there : (

Sealed with prayer for mercy, peace and love, amin!      

Thesis AGain

Assalaamu'alaikum wa rahmatullah!

Last week I received emails from my course coordinator and also from the school's clerk. They said that my term is not ended yet. My colleagues which is Aida and Prema both also called me. They thought that I am still in progress to repair my thesis but the reality is that I am not repairing anything. I just went to mosques and praying besides reciting the Quran and litanies to purify myself yet I still feel not purified because I think that I am still selfish. Sometimes I had forgotten to take note on my parents feeling. It is a violation of commandments. 

Just about a week ago, those colleagues called me. And now I am almost finishing my thesis which is around 30,000 > words and about 87 pages, haha... I did not sleep days and nights to cope with the running time because this Monday is the due date which would determine whether I will be graduated as a master student of International and Diplomatic Studies (European). What is the title of my thesis? The title is "The Recognition of Religious Minority Rights in Europe: Muslim and UK as a Case Study". This is not really an easy study, but praises only due to the God the Highest. I am thankful to brother Abdullah al-Andalusi. His debates in the Muslim Debate Initiative series really helped me and because of that I could combine my readings about Islamic civilizations. The study also talks about the Sharia law and political angle of Islam besides analyzing the flaws of Western political philosophies such as liberalism and inequity in human rights as people hypocrisy could also be confusing.  

Right now, I am writing the last chapter which is the conclusion for the thesis. Tomorrow I would print it out and just return to USM, with His Will of course. Please brothers and sisters help me to pray for my success in the study. I love legal, policies and political studies though before I frowned at them. I am countering my fear factors now, haha... Thank you for prayers. My prayers is also for brothers and sisters.

Sealed with prayers for mercy, peace and love, amin! 

If the Doors are Locked

Assalaamu'alaikum wa rahmatullah

Long time haven't check this site. I went for a training at the KL Airport Services Sdn. Bhd. for two weeks before resigning because I found that I have problem with the security pass. It is quite complicated because I worked in the airport in 2005 and I quit from the service with the department there without returning my security pass to the security department. I just sent everything including the security pass to my employer at the Malaysian Airport Berhad building.  They did not help me but maybe dumping everything because they do not like our colleagues. Let me explain clearly so everyone know what happened in 2005-2006 at some department in KLIA. Well, not only some but from every departments, haha...

I was a Mandarin Chinese translator and interpreter before being a student in the Universiti Sains Malaysia (USM) as respected brothers and sisters had seen in few posts earlier. Most of my colleagues which formed the group of translators there were of Chinese descent and they are non-Muslims. Only I am a Muslim and a "non-Chinese" ethnic in the group but because I did not mingle with those officers so they assumed that I am a Chinese and a non-Muslim.  Well, actually tried to talk with them but they seem like cocky so I just stay in the boundary that I had.

I always think it is weird for people to think that I look like a Chinese. I am more to a Central Asian in my appearance than to Oriental looking. I also speak in Northern Malay dialect fluently and Southern Thai language. Even I know how to curse people in both of the languages, hehe. That is the specialty of people who are born in the Northern Malayan states. 

When we finished our term, those silly workers in the department were so happy because they were afraid that we would be competing with them if we filled the SPA8 form to be permanent worker. For me, I have the STPM (A-Level) certificate which would elevate me to higher office if I apply for the permanent position. One of my colleague, Mr. Saw applied for the permanent position but at that time he was 24 years old and already with a Business Management degree from the Universiti Malaya. He was elevated to the M34 position in government service and sent to the federal territory office. Lucky him, haha... I did not know that I could still continue my study even when working as a government officer so I accepted the offer to further for a bachelor degree in humanity department at the school of translation and interpretation in the Universiti Sains Malaysia. Mr. Saw had tried to persuade me to be a co-partner with him but I was not smart enough at that time. I thought that education matters since I had seen those O-Level "officers" behave like immature little kids. Well, yeah they joined the department just after schooling times because their parents work there. Kabel banyak dema itu, so they could secure a job... Tanya sana itu saya punya bapa, tanya sini itu saya punya mak cik, hehe...

Back to the quitting job story, I was kicked to several places just because of the security pass issue. The old office that housed me as their employer said that the administration system there was changed few years ago and the old chief is now retired. I would have to go to the federal territory and asking for the letter of resignation because I left the department without any resignation letter. Well, I did not know about that. I was 19 years old at that time. Nobody gives me any training about the job and my rights as an employee. It is not easy to go though all the bureaucracy in the Ministry of Home Affairs so I just wrote the letter of resignation and apologized to the company for their willingness to hire me though for only two weeks and without any payment. Maybe I am not lucky, that's all. Just after I quit I was so depressed because I think that I can not move on with life like this. My father is still there, a paralyzed stroke person could be in that condition for several years to go. It is painful not only to him but also to those besides him, i.e me and my mother. I also have to sacrifice myself though I am a male who supposed to go to work and maintaining the family. 

Owh yeah, before I went to the job offer as the Customer Service Agent at the airport services office, I applied for steward job in a hotel and was called for interview but my elder sister said that it is too low for me. Washing the dishes is not suitable to an undergraduate. Then, what should I do? I actually did not care about that because I simply wanted to maintain a "healthy life". Being jobless actually is not healthy because we have no mobility and it is almost no different to those in the dark alley looking for some money to move on. When we do not go to work, many people say things to us because they do not analyze the factors that make an undergraduate have got no job. Sometimes, it depends on our luck too and nobody wants to know the reasons when we are interviewed because they just wanted to know whether we are useful for the company or not. They should not boast to people simply because they have secured a job and talking like there is no Supreme Lord or the God. 

One of my acquaintance had tried to help me in term of financial but I refused. I just told him to make some donation around or to anyone that he see supposed to be helped and just imagine that he is donating to me. Right now, I am jobless again and trying to study Usuluddin, Sharia, Arabic and Persian with materials that I already have. Besides I am also learning the tenets of Shi'a Muslim belief and practices but not because I am interested to be a Shi'a Muslim. I am a very loyal Sunnah Muslim and a proud Hashemite where I keep the dignity of our larger clan for prophet Muhammad s.a.w as our earthly leader.

It is simply as a sign of good will to them as a brother in Islam and humanity.  I do not like to entertain the blogs written with hatred posts to others because I believe that Allah the Highest is protecting His Divine Path. It is not the job of human-being to act like a false god. Writing or talking to approve or to disprove others are not the way to unite people. It is just a way to show off and getting attention so that we would be recognized as scholar though people would say, maa'shaAllah... subhanAllah... you're right brother... you're right sister.... This is what has been mentioned in the al-Ghazali's literature known by the title, Ihya' 'Ulumuddin as lying in the name of the God. It is also a breach of Covenant with the God where ones speaking the Name of the God in vanity.

At this time I suppose to walk to the mosque and bringing with me my Quran. I try to memorize the Quran again and afraid that some surats that I had memorized will be erased from my heart. If I can not be a practicing missionary, I could still be a qadhi or a decision-maker. Maybe there would be some silver lining for me in the future only the God knows.

It reminds me to this line of poem by an honorable Yemenite Jewish Rabbi, Maran Shalom Shabazi in Judeo-Babylon Aramaic and Yemenite Arabic though he is a non-Muslim which means: "If the doors of the fortunate is locked to you, but the doors of the Heaven is always open. The Creator reigns Supreme and is higher than the angels and all with His wind will rise"... It means if there is no mercy left in this world, but the Lord is still there observing us....

Maybe I should write again this poem for fun and thank you for viewing. I am sorry if I did not respond to some emails but I appreciate my brothers and sisters love here, hehe : )

Sealed with prayers for mercy, peace and love, amin!         

New Phase

Assalaamu'alaikum wa rahmatullah

How is everyone doing? It has been long that I haven't check this side. To tell the truth, I miss beloved brothers and sisters though I have never seen all of you. I consider that I am in a spiritual circle and communicating with brothers and sisters before the God. Thank you for patiently reading this site. I wish that I could offer sacrifices as offers for brothers and sisters may brothers and sisters enjoy the Love of the God and being protected in this very life and the hereafter.

Beginning this 1st of April 2013, I will officially becoming a staff with the airport services. Again, I am going to be a worker in the airport. I am not trying to be negative but I don't like that place. For this three months to come, I would be on training for the specific job and task in the ground handling division of the services.  The salary offered for me is at the level of O-Level students which is about RM900 or equal to USD 290.93. Well, I consider it as fair for one who has no continuous working record. Just be patient maybe I could work over the time and gain more. I should only make the salary as the tool for me to liberate me from worldly concerns though money is also a worldly thing. 

My father is now paralyzed in his other part of the body too. He could only move his head, his face and his left hand. Poor dad... Sometimes he would be stricken with high fever and shivering all over his body. I have to find the job and accept anything that come across because of financial problem. It is not wise to just collecting tin cans and selling thrashes. I am pretty sure the proper House of Sciences would never accept me since I am over the 25 years old requirement. I can't just be a muballigh but maybe have to opt for a mujtaheed who derives legal edicts through Quranic, Sunnah and the Wisdom of the Ahl Bayt sources. I would have to stress more on Arabic and Persian.

First thing that I need to put into my diary is the necessity to settle down the national loan that I had made in the university for my first degree and to set up a saving for my mother. It is for her safety because I am not sure whether I would be leaving her after two years to serve the Path. For the time-being maybe I need to observe on how I could maintain my lifestyle with regard the worship and sacrifices for Him while working. It is not as easy as studying because I had this experience of working just after my A-Level studies too.

I feel that I made a mistake too when accepting the undergraduate studies offer in the university. I should just repeat the paper for Islamic Legal studies and getting the Quranic memorization iqamat. The linguistic, translation and interpretation studies are just a little part in Islamic Path studies. It's ok, whatever happened has already happened. I need to check on what I could do now in order to fix my mistakes as a human-being who only realizes everything after encountering incidents in life. 

I just photocopied some forms and the contract that I am signing before being passed down to the human resource department. It's not wise to xerox papers in the Tafaz Maju department store cause it is a waste. They charged the paper and the current for the machine while the shop assistant can only speak in Tamil. Maybe he just arrived.  

It is very hard for me to apply for the zakat since our family lineage forbids us from applying it although it is to study the Islamic studies that I wanted to return to very badly because of the sinful feeling for breaking the spiritual chain and the prayers of our elders. Though I am a Hanbali by jurisprudence school in most of my worship acts but the Shafie orthodox jurisprudence based from the al-Umm by Imam Abu Idris al-Shafie is still deeply rooted in ourselves. We only could accept the khums or one fifth of the fund specifically dedicated to the Hashemite clan. This was introduced by Abu Taleb the father of our imam Ali r.a. I am not sure about the zakat system in our country right now whether I could apply it. I checked in every terms of national jurisprudence school but I can't find any mention about khums as stated in al-Umm. I never have any courage to apply it. I tried to tell my family members but they are not aware about this. Other people may not understand us because they are just aware about their selfish needs in this temporary world. I can do nothing because the Power controlling everything only belongs to Him. So, what I could do is just to keep my mouth shut and try to fix everything for myself with prayers to Him may He assist me on my course to return to Him and to repent.    

Whatever it is, I must remember to hold with the wisdom within the right hand, the sunnah within the left hand and the Quran within the heart and soul. Al-Fatehah and salawat for the soul of noble prophet Muhammad s.a.w, the Ahl Bayt, the preceding noble prophets, the saints, the faithful servants, myself and for the soul of His creatures hidden and seen may His Mercy-Compassionate Love protecting everyone from the tests of the end of the time.

Sealed with prayers for mercy, peace and love, amin!         

Calm

Assalaamu'alaikum wa rahmatullah

I am quite busy right now and just peeping in to see what I have not accomplished here yet. I went to interviews for job too but till now nobody is calling me. I guess, nowadays is harder than the previous days in order to get job. I do not like to hunt and it also includes job! 

Since last week, my father was hit with a heavy fever. This year, he is 65 years old. I do not know whether I should cry or make any expression. He has to be admitted to the hospital since last night and the doctor mentioned that some parts of his internal organ could not absorb nutrients and showing that they're turning into failure. I try to consider that this is a test, but the test is actually very heavy... Of course, I am envious to see people who live their life smoothly. I am still jobless anyway and facing this problem. During this time, I keep reciting prophet stories and their experience being "tormented" in their society... Some of them even being killed in their struggle for e.g Zechariah and his son, John.   

Dear Lord, I wanted to repent to you if I have mistaken... I am just Your tiny weak slave in this universe... Please do not burden me with things that I could not bear please never leave me... I don't care about job anymore. Even, that is just a little plan for me to survive and return to Your course but You're the One who decides then. If I am decreed to die on Your course then I will die as You decree me. Thank you my Lord. I am just longing to have Your Mercy-Compassionate Love! 

Sealed with prayers for mercy, peace and love, amin!

Responsibility and Think "Nothing" in Life

Assalaamu'alaikum wa rahmatullah

Currently I am trying hard to finish up my thesis. Well, I learned that I can't read the journals in the monitor 24/7 besides I have to look after my father. I'm thinking to print them out but I have no printer so it sure will cost me again. Maybe I would ask my elder brother in law permission if I could use his printer at his house and pay for the ink. I wrote the thesis until I fall asleep at the computer. This is so scary. I wish Allah forgive me for studying this course. I would not be as crazy as this if I just go right away to work and secretly continue studying Shari'a beside performing da'awa job in disguise. This won't work for my Quranic memorization schedule too. I just did not realize that few drops of tears dripping on the Quran before I get started this morning I feel so guilty to Allah.   

I learned that Amir had just gotten a letter for a pre-qualification psychology test for the position he does not know and it just need to be answered online. He applied last Aidul'adha. Almost a year and he just got it now. He did not mention this to me when we talked on the phone. He just stated the benefit if he got hired for the position as the location of the job is in Malaysian Northern University (UUM). His cousin bought him the form. I learned another thing from Amir. He said that he did not expect on good stuffs to reaching him when he dreams nothing. But another thing he said that he was envious with the lady living beside his house working as a clerk in Alor Setar. She just returned home and brings nothing at home, so he said that she seems so relax. The same thing happened with his elder brother who works in the morning and returns home late in the evening. At night he just check the internet before goes to sleep and it continues everyday. He wanted that kind of lifestyle. Thinking of nothing just like in the school. Go to school, return from school and did nothing. In the end he just said that he will never forget me though he has gotten good things. 

I just put his conversations here in the form of writing so brothers and sisters just treat it like reading a fictional novel and I am just a fictional character, haha. I feel shy when people reading these but I am writing it here so brothers and sisters would see how "real life" works. I know many are jobless in the US, Europe and around the world. I understood how you feel. My conversation with him was actually according to the level of his thinking. Because people think at different levels. 

I had experience in job world before though not long. What he said as think of nothing is not true for me. Human is burdened with the levels of responsibility and there are stages of life. Last time I was so dedicated to my job though I worked for more than eight hours a day and only with one day off. I woke up early as early as at four to prepare for my uniform and waited at the train station to the airport. I just walked alone to the airport in the darkness of early morning. I end my shift at 12 midnight and arrived home when everyone were already sleeping. In the beginning there were two shifts but later it becomes one when only two remain there when others resigned. I was 18 at that time. 

But when the offer for the university came, I just accepted it though I should have forget everything and return to Shari'a stream as what I "mentally" talked with Allah in holy Mecca. I just had no one to talk with and to discuss on the plan so it happened this way I am now typing the post, hehe. My other friend, Azren which is also the colleague of Amir because we were from the same graduate classes worked as a general clerk in a company. He has to deal with huge amount of money for his company. He said that it is not fun but because he has no choice and need to pay for study loan so he just stay there until other offers come. As for me, I am waiting until the end of this year to reform my life again. Maybe it would be a bit later than others but I just don't care anymore now. I think it is better to embrace the divine pre-destiny. I begin to slowly closing my recently opened social account. I don't want to be seen by those "new friends" that I just known in the musalla when attending master classes. I need to gather and unify our "congregation" first with other brothers and sisters. We had been looked upon negatively since long and our ancestors were killed and chased by governments of two "Muslim" empires for nothing. So, I would study the Sunnah traditions and also the other side traditions and act as a transmitter of the traditions of our ancestral lineages like what I suppose to be and what the previous imams had done.

Anyway, I am happy for Amir. He had been jobless for about three years and he just stayed home. Maybe his parents get worried of his future too so they had asked his cousin to get the form for job application. I think it is not good to stay at home idle because it would affect our social life skill. It's just hilarious for me when he said that he won't forget me, lol. I don't need anyone to remember me. Maybe I ask some brothers to pray for me. That's all I want because when people generally praying for faithful believers, then it also includes everyone. Another things is nothing last forever. I don't believe in the "forever" term in this Earth. It is only applicable in the "life" to come : )

Sealed with prayers for mercy, peace and love, amin!    

Western Regional Hill-Tribes and Bigotry

Assalaamu'alaikum wa rahmatullah!

 I would add Jews to this pic apart of Jesus whom always being used as excuse by pea-brain bigots in Europe. the West or simply self-hater Caucasian wannabe Asians since I don't care about whatever political problem happens in any region. This world will eventually being exploded because of this kind of people anyway.

Just returned from masjid for morning prayer service. I called little sister to ask her whether she had taken her pre-dawn meal and asking about our parents. We actually receiving an Italian girl whose name is Sharon Ferarri just after two European students temporarily staying at our house for their learning period whom are sister Daphne Dewitte of Belgium and brother Marlin Keilhauer from Germany.

To be frank, I don't feel amused at all with Europe or Western World which generally refers to Caucasians. I learned about Europe and I believe many of us did learned about this particular region in history classes during our form four or form three secondary level schooling time. It begins with Portuguese conquest on Malacca Sultanate around 1511 in the southern part of Malayan Peninsula today. And after that we also could see other South East Asian sultanate and Hindu-Buddhist kingdoms such as in Burma and Indochina Cambodia fallen down to British and French imperial power. Later we learned about Greek and Rome civilization which appears in the southern tip of European continent. We also learned about Caucasians of Asia like Persian empire during Malaysian Higher Certificate Examination which is equal to A-Level in the UK and Commonwealth countries. 

Back to the story about Europeans in our house. I had encountered many offensive remarks with these European kids. Though they are just kids but it also reflects their society weltenschaung (worldview) when those words jumped out of their mouth. Just heard my sister told me that the Italian girl called our mum a white ghost. It refers to telekung or white hijab worn by South East Asian and some Syrian women when performing prayer services. Last time, I was also introduced by brother Marlin to Achmed the Dead Terrorist. It's funny for them, and I don't feel offended at all but it might be offensive to others. It reminds me to bigotry issues and what I had read. It is also related to Orientalism studies by translators of Muslim scripture like George Sale or other scholars of European continent. Studying something to fulfill their own egos and not with ruhul qudus (holy spirit).

I personally see these people as hill tribes whom never see the world enough though from my learning experience as a master student in European studies, I learned that their system is the best one. Complete with recognition toward humanity in both political economy relation with other barbaric countries for example, China. Some of our people adore Europe as much as others whom arrogantly proclaimed themselves as ex-Muslim to preach their bigot ideology to others. 

Some of these people without tired displaying their 'experience' with Muslims which they found as barbaric to preach hatred to others while those people do not represent the whole majority of Muslims. I can see that those 'barbaric' Muslims are no different to these people full of hatred and ignorance. They are the same hill tribes but just from different regions. We also have this problem in Malaysia which had worsen our race relation. Malays might say bad things to Chinese or Indians, and so on in the other side. It is something to do with politics. People scratching each other faces and politicians baby-talking on the podium enjoying the scene while getting those idols (money, property, and etc) piled into their accounts and pockets. 

For those bigots who preach hatred to others, they perhaps are paid for their ideology. Money based ideology itself is considered as idolatry as we buy our comfort through hatred. There is no sincerity in them. I had many times listened to government servants here repeating 13th May event when they are not satisfied with people of other ethnicity. I am sick of these. It is like this world is segregated and nobody is right except of ourselves. It is true that bigots exist in Muslim society but other society too have this kind of people. It would be a cracking-head job entertaining these people except the God guides them to what they suppose to understand.  

When I talk about my faith and our prophetic traditions, I do not get any payment for this. I never have any intention to convert others, seeking attentions, and feeling proud if people accept the same faith as it is a victory to dominate others. Those are illnesses which tortures our mind and soul. I would just pray to the God to guide everyone through His mercy when people talking bad about our teacher such as Muhammad s.a.w. It also includes Jesus and Moses a.h.m.s as these two figures are also our prophets. I was a Buddhist by faith and ideology although my family are traditionally Muslim. It is from the environment around me, my readings about Buddhism from various sources such as religious notes which I gradually sought since I was a young child. I remember the first thing that I read regarding Buddhism was Tharmmachakra which means the Wheel of Dharma. I was not forced by anyone to read it or learn about it. Later I learned mantras and kathas (longer mantras). I memorized them for personal summoning purpose.

Some of our ancestors and people are missionaries originated from Southern Arabia who preached faith to South East Asian natives whom now consider themselves as born Muslim nation. It might be weird for others to see me radically have different thinking and belief since our people are the descents of Ismaelite Arabs whom were like the Jews, possessing religion and stubbornly practicing traditions from prophetic ancestral heritage. I had the same experience and perception before I professed the Three Gems. My perception was, Muslims are evil as I see their behavior is not according to what is preached, they treated me badly. I talked rudely to my own elders because of this narrow perception without considering others' soul and feeling anymore. I thought that I shouldn't be one of them.

When I faced problems as I didn't do well in secondary school exams since I was a problematic child with anti-social problem and could not easily fit in into society, I performed tapas (meditation) a lot and torturing myself without any food or drinks. I just want to die, being disposed away as ashes. From that point, I suddenly began to slowly realize what is my responsibility. I began to read tafsirs (exegesis) and glorious Quran without having to wait for others to tell me what those verses are talking about after mum advised me. I do not listen to what people say anymore but I prefer to experience everything myself. That is what lord Buddha had taught me although I never meet him. Never speculate if we never experience anything ourselves. Though now I repent and returning to the path of ancestors, I still have a huge respect to lord Buddha for the philosophies that he taught. I joined Tabligh kids rather than listening to what people say about this movement whether they are positive or negative. So, I would at least have my perception not from what I listened of others' or simply judging people from a narrow, short term mingling experience watching from afar. 

The main point here is that, nobody is perfect. Not even Europe who proclaims herself as a good system or model for other organizations nor Western unipolar world which refers to the United States. I have a headache learning about European Union which consists of different European nations though I am not an European myself. I have my personal perception toward Europe and I still think it does not really amuse me. But I accept others' idea about this particular region too. Even if it has a little good attribution, I will still mention it. We take good examples and we leave bad ones. What about bigots especially those in academic lines? Those bigots out of academic lines are hill-tribes for me, no different to those Bamiyan bombers in Afghanistan, rural India-Pakistan or in rural Mid East. Bigotry is a disgrace for academic tradition and wisdom. We just mention good part about ourselves, but our bad part we would hide it. Then we expose others' bad side to emphasize that we are holier. That is a bad habit I guess... 

What I can say when we encounter this kind of people, since they do not believe in the God... Just pray to the God to show them what they should see for themselves and what they want... Talk to the hand, they are just attention whores lack of love. Tak dak faedah pun layan.

Sealed with prayers for mercy, peace, and love...