Faith in the Resurrection

Assalaamu'alaikum wa rahmatullah

Somehow I can't wait the Yawm al-Qiyamah (the Day of Resurrection). We don't know when but our noble prophet said that it's so close during his living time. What about now yah? I am not practising the tenets of the path fully yet I still can't wait it to come. I think maybe I don't see that this earthly life matter anymore. I just want to return to Him.

Mum had just cried at the phone last night. Urm, yeah I am facing some problems. I feel so guilty for not telling her about my third sister's wedding with brother-in-law and now she knows about that through little sister. Whether the guy is not of our family member is not the issue anymore, but when we don't get the blessings of parents then it is actually something that could be harmful to parents. Our family members are the followers of Imam Shafi'ie school of jurisprudence except me and elders are looking at their children's life partner criteria based on the sunnah tradition too. Although almost all of the native here were Islamisized through our people's missions but not all are practising Muslims. We have to be careful and discreet in our mixing with people not to be arrogant but to save our faith in Allah through prophethood messages. Our life had already being ruined by environment around and life pressures so we try to minimize the destruction by trying to be in accordance to elders' traditions but young people could not understand it. I actually don't understand how people think. I mean things like marriage is not the matter to play or we just use the sunnah teachings to make what is wrong becomes right.  

I think when people say that they are believers, but actually they are non-believers and this really makes me feel worried especially when it comes to myself. Because the tenets of the faith is not well-rooted or bringing impacts in our heart. They are just "hearsays" and we can't see them with our physical eyes. For example paradise and hell. We just listen about them but we didn't reach the state of paradise and hell yet. We listened about Yawm al-Qiyamah about the Resurrection through prophecies of noble prophets appointed by Allah. If for the Christian friends, they were taught about the Resurrection through Marono 'Yishoa' Mshikha (our lord Jesus Christ), and it is mentioned even in their faith declaration as I always listen this in churches during special events. How does this influence our life? 

I feel so sad when I listened to mum cried. Though I am not an obedient child but I never disobey her if she asked me to do things like following her to masjids after my repentance. Actually I wasn't really a rebellious child and I began to fast since I was three years old. I followed elders to majlis (religious occasions) without being accompanied by dad and in some part of my life I was deflected because of the fitnah (tests) on faith which comes through environment around. I wasn't taught by my dad when I was a child to fast or pray. I just feel I wanted to do all of those things. I recited prophets' life and I tried to live like them. I still remember some parts of stories like how prophet Muhammad s.a.w was cleansed by two angels during his stay with Halimat as-Sa'adiyya. I still remember how he feels lonely in his society where they do not live in accordance to ancestors' (prophet Abraham and Isma'el a.h.m.s) tradition but choosing idolatry and associating Allah with worldly materials. I am experiencing this lonely feeling too and I feel myself filthy day by day because of this worldly environment. I know there are people who feels like me around but we just don't see each other yet. But if we have time and chance insha Allah we will see each other.

When I think about now I am stuck in problems, I feel so weak and I only could wait to cry to Allah behind the walls when people leaving behind prayer places. I can't cry in front of others or else they will mistaken me as losing my mind. I don't know where to find counselors  though we have the department for student affairs here. I know what counselors will say to me and it is of no use to talk with people. I have classmates and some not so close friends in my course but I can't talk with them due to that we are "not close". I only have Allah who is close to me. I just cry alone and telling everything to Allah, talking to His angels to please pray for my safety during Resurrection. 

Just be strong, recite Quran and pray to Allah without stop. Brothers of the past really help me since their stories are recorded by His Word and I could recite them when I am alone. Anyhow, brothers and sisters may come and dump anything that worries, bringing anxieties to you, or simply making me your trash bin. I am open to this because I become a place for my sisters, my mum, and my dad to talk anything though they never really care about me, especially my sister lah because when you have other men in your life you will forget everything including your parents, your dad, your brothers who will be responsible for your sins in the hereafter in front of Allah. You treat your men like "gods" and if those "gods" really obeying the Lord then it is ok but if not then your dad and brothers will have to bear the destruction because of you.

Marriage is sunnah... Yes I will never deny this. It is a sunnah but what is your purpose and intention to marry a man or a woman? Is it because you love his or her physical, you need someone to love you or loving someone, following trends because it is the trend to get marry and not being labeled as lesbos or gays, because you can't control your lusts and etc? Check the sunnah and what obliged a person to get marry through sunnah beside simply saying you are building this masjid and that masjid because you listen to others saying like that. I had seen many people getting marry very early at the age before maturity around 18 years old for guy and 17 years old for girls and how they later divorcing because they realized that is not what they wanted to. What happened to His Wrath? People only take some part that they want and leaving behind what they don't want.

If people say to me, because you need a son or daughter to inherit you... I will just answer with two questions: "How long this world will last and how deep is your faith toward Resurrection?" lol : )

Anyhow just an experience of a guy, a philosophy from a failed guy... Just treat this like a novel or a movie being formatted in writings but it is happening and not from imagination, hahaha.

Sealed with prayers for mercy, peace, and love, amin!

Tests and Tribulations

Assalaamu'alaikum wa Rahmatullah!

I believe everybody reaches this stage where we are in the dilemma that we could not do anything nor moving to another stage of life. I am still stuck in this stage of life. I tried to purify myself and trying to forget everything around but Allah had also put tests on me. Sometimes it would also shaken our iman (faith) especially when we do not know to whom we should talk to. 

Well, of course Allah is the One for us to tell our problems but in other times we may also need someone like family member or friends to talk or share the problems but for me this is different. I can not share anything with anyone.  I am always a good listener to my sisters or my parents. When my dad faced problems with his boss during he worked somewhere in the federal government territory. He came to Penang and talked with me just before he resigned from his post after having a conflict with his superior which was a minister, it was around 2008. Even when he feel tensed after being a pensioner for long, he came to find me in Penang last year Ramadhan in 2010 and after he returned home. He was affected by stroke and admitted to hospital.  I was so worried but I can't return home. When my grandpa (mum's dad) passed away around early 2008, I was also occupied with exam at the next day. I can't return home and I regret that even until today, lamenting my self for being an ungrateful and evil grandson. Just after my grandpa passed away that my dad resigned from his post because of the pressure.  

I began to hate politicians because of my perception looking at my dad's situation and taking oath to follow sunnah strictly wherever I could detect the validity of the sunnah. Dad was actually a loyal worker although not a religious person and he would do anything for his superiors or friends but it actually harms him too. I thought that I may also inherit this side of his character too. So do to my friends, I always listen to them or at least I would approach them for services in comforting them and also praying for the best solutions for their problems during their upset circumstances. 

We must immediately recognize where the tests given is according to our own ability to face them. The God is the Most Wise amongst all and He certainly knows why we are in such situations. We do not know that since our mind is limited in comprehending the wisdom behind the tests and tribulations. We would only realize that after we passed the tests or our destiny ministering the paths of life.

Just browsing my job applications. I guess I have to renew my resume and add other things due to that the account was inactive for quite long. I still have another two semesters to go and I had took mixed mode courses so I have to attend classes. It would also stops me from finding proper jobs because I am not really good in the study. I may need to focus and be prepared for new lessons especially for complicated subject like the economy. 

Sometimes we may plan wrongly due to that human is not perfect. Especially I did not know where to consult and I didn't know my classmates yet in the beginning. I could not properly find job when taking this master but maybe try to earn money through part-time job. In the first year I had applied for cashier near my hostel but the boss said that I need to work until morning from the midnight everyday while I had classes from Monday to Tuesday.  I can't accept the job but turned it down.

I still hope that Dr. Noreha who taught us the political and decision making paper do not oblige me to attend her classes because I am just repeating. I promise to read her notes again and prepare better this semester but I need tools like money to survive. I hate to say but we need that for mobility, may He not count me a polytheist. I avoid taking any loan and also scholarships because I try to live on the dignity basis and limiting myself from receiving sympathy from others.

For me, I have these principles for life which are honesty, sincerity, integrity, dignity, loyalty and kind-loving to every fellow creatures. Even if I have to lost my life for that, I would not care. I had gained these standards of living from my experience as a confused boy, after I learned about our hadramis ancestry and realizing that we are the people without proper land since we are not accepted in our ancestral land and in fact only half related to locals through maternal lines. Though counted as bumiputeras (sons of the land) because of being here for centuries, we are the natives who know no boundaries. 

Many of our people are the traders and involved in business while in the same time preaching or teaching the faith to others and practising a form of sufi order which was inherited from fathers to the children. Previously, we do not call it as ahlul bayt sufism, but no name tariqah (path). Some people said that it was to avoid from being persecuted by the Abbasiah, but I guess that Islam is only one. Even if people ask me out of this virtual site, I would never admit that we are practicing certain tariqah due to unity of the nations that we always dream of. 

Later on, that our grandfathers being involved with business with royalties and nobility. My dad's father was a British officer in Kodiang, northern of Kedah Sultanate. They have no choice to have contact with local noblemen except through some of the local hadramis for their deals. My grandfather name is a bit Persian anyway and he has three wives.  My grandma is his second wife and the third wife has no child with him. The first wife I believe is from the same racial background.

Never get to see grandpa as he passed away because of lung cancer when my dad was 12 years old. My grandma passed away when my dad was 3 months due to jealousy of villager. At least, that is what I heard from elders. I hate magics and I would never tolerate that blasphemy!!! May Allah bless my grandparents both, I do not really know you people but I love you just like I love my holy prophet Muhammad (saw). May all of you rest in peace under His shade and in love.

Whoa, I can't believe that I could write longer when I talk about family. I'm trying to find few pics of elders like grandparents because I hope to contact few faithful relatives and acquaintance to establish faith connection amongst everyone and spreading the Mercy of the Lord to everyone. I beg the God to please put us on the right track again and do not leave us alone. 

I had also planned and told my sister who resides in Saudi to help me with visa in this near time to join her but we have so many plans in a time. We also need to highlight whatever is our priority right now. I don't really feel like continuing my studies since I was in the first semester of postgraduate but I had already been half of the way now. I had wasted my times, money and also borrowing my parents money although they never ask me to pay that back. I think that I must be responsible to pay it back just like I'm taking study loan because they also need the money as a guarantee for them. I feel guilty for taking their rights and in the same time I don't want any sympathy from government nor anyone. Let others who need that more get the sympathy and assistance. 

However, I personally think that the tests and tribulations given by the God also have their own grace. Where I could perform purification of heart, learning religious sciences and meditating while studying compared to if I am working. I had the experience working in the airport not long before I further my first degree and sometimes I had to skip prayer services and had to qadhaa' the salaat or paying the debt to the Lord in another prayer times. Sometimes I would sneak out from the office or crowds while dealing with job just to pray at the time in musalla because when we forget Him, He would also leave us. I am afraid of that!  

The tests and tribulations from the God is divided two, dear brothers, sisters and friends in faith. The first one is fitnah (the test) where it comes in the form where we would face difficulties in life. This happens due to that the God actually loves us. He wants us to be closer to Him and He would also untie the knots for us without we realize it. As for example brothers and sisters that I love the most, prophet Ayyub (Job) was tested by the God where he lost almost all of his children and his wife too left him because he was affected by strange dermatological disease. 

The second one is istidraaj. This is the test in the form of luxury and fake happiness in life but the test could also shake our iman just the same like fitnah but only in opposite form. We would forget the God when we are in easy time. When we are in difficulties only we would remember Him. That is not fair because His grace to His slaves is infinite. The example for this is the tribes of Tsamud and the 'Aad. The God had destroyed them after they refused to obey Him through His prophets whom are the holy prophets Saaleh (Selah) and Hud because they had lived in luxury and they felt that they have nothing to fear of.

May I remember this always and take heed of this. May it also benefits my brethren in faith due to that I love them and they are my soul. Allah please be in connection with prophet Muhammad (saw) and his family and his companions. Please also bless my brethren in faith and strengthen our iman (faith) to You. Do not leave us alone but be our Holy Company dear Lord.