Nothing... I am Just Low...

Assalaamu'alaikum wa rahmatullah

Nothing to talk about, dear Lord. I feel quite low... The story about Adi Shankarachariya emerged in my mind on how he had confronted the swapakah (outcaste, untouchable). Shankara is an Orthodox Brahmin priest in the 8th century Southern India state of Kerala. Unfortunately, this is about Hindus. I am sorry if I am a Muslim talking about a Hindu priestly caste. I didn't mean to talk anything bad about others or to offend others. Instead I respect the Brahmins according to their duty and I will not talk in extensive about Advaita philosophy that I learned in some gap before I was registered as a humble undergraduate student in Penang Island.

Are We Judging or Looking at Something with Physical Eyes? Where are Our Inner Eyes?

He had asked the swapakah and four dogs to move aside and avoid their group while walking from the ritual cleansing place in Banares to a temple. The swapakah then asked him a question: "Do you want me to move my body made of flesh or my spiritual self?" The Brahmin immediately understood this and he prostrated himself in front of the untouchable. This question actually consists philosophical meanings. It is about whether we are judging a person by his appearance or by his inner self? Are we making friend with others because of their looking? Their nationality? Their ethnicity? Their knowledge or skill? Because they possess things that can help us like motorbikes, cars, vehicles? 

Experience

So any brother who knows me and monitoring this side, these are among my experience. I know maybe some of you had encountered these too. Maybe you encountered these with me or with others. If you encountered these with me, firstly I would like to sincerely apologize to all of you. I made this publicly as to show to you I am sincere and I am not ashamed to apologize even if you demand it in front of me now. I don't mind to apologize, bowing to you regardless whether you are younger or older than me and reflecting on myself. We must keep on the muhasabah (reflection) on ourselves always and everyday.

Sometimes when I mingle with people in musallas or masjids, I always wonder whether I am in the place of these Brahmins or actually a swapakah? I do not have courage to talk with people after I listen to them or looking at them or maybe I am afraid that I will scare them away. I know I have no extensive knowledge about Islamic religion or tradition though I am learning them now from the patches that I have in my head after my reversion despite of being occupied with this life. I am not an obvious practitioner of the path. Sometimes I try to remind myself through friends or brothers. I am also feeling afraid that I might be annoying but I closed my eyes for the benefit of the world. When I invited some of them to come to my place to talk to me about whatever they wanted to say, they just keep their silence but on the other side they are eager to come closer to me. 

The worse one that I had encountered when I was a degree student. I greeted a teacher candidate known as Yusri and asking him how he feels today? Just to be friendly at the TV place. This guy is from Langkawi and he just answered me with a question... Why are you asking me? It is not like we know each other only that day but I know him for about a year and when I try to break the silence I get this answer (actually another question in reply) : ) After that incident, I never greet people anymore but waiting for people to greet me. I also lowered my gaze down because I don't want to see people's face and having my perceptions working while they could be harmful.

The second incident, as an example, while with Charlie. He is older by two years than me. Now I am 26 years old and he is about 29 years old. He was my junior in the previous hostel though older than me. He was the one who greeted me while he saw me alone walking here and there without noticing people at my previous hostel. Last semesters, he asked me to accompany him to Bukit Jambul. In the beginning he just said that he wanted to see some printer because his printer does not work. When we arrived there with his motorbike, I realized that actually he wanted me to hold the printer that he is going to buy because he has no friend to help him. I don't mind to help or even crucified for my friends, moreover if it is my brother in faith, Muslims. But why not being honest with me? You only use me when you are alone but when you have friends you just leave a 'loyal' friend behind. It's not only once but few times I was tricked like this by friends. I came back here last time because I feel pity for Charlie maybe he would be alone. I should just tear the invitation for master when I received that. But because of a friend, a brother in faith that I just known in my last year I came back. It is like I am stepping inside the hell for a brother and a friend while I could go to paradise. Now I am in hell because of friend. I messaged him early this semester asking about language classes schedule which is important for me to be graduated but he replied me not. So I decided to delete his number. It's not once that I had been treated like this. Many times... He text me last week, but I do not reply anymore. I just said I could barely remember you, I am sorry for my nervous system breakdown. I observe people too and not only looking at their physical, the important part for me is the spirit and soul. I don't make friend with physical bodies but with spiritual ones.

Another incident was when I stayed with brother Zaidi during my undergraduate second year. In the beginning I had severely tested him with my bad attitude. I did kicked his clothes and the mess that he made on the floor but I actually testing him his patience and also teaching him to keep his cloth on the hanger or placing them in the pail as it would be unclean if people stepped on his clothes on the floor. Then I never talked with him in the room in the beginning but I do observed him. Only when I am sure that he is a "suitable" guy to talk that I began to greet him. I do everything step by step and not in rush. But few times he refused me when I wanted to treat him for respect so I just sleep down the floor to apologize to him every night until I finished the semesters. We have two beds in the shared room, but I purposely sleep on the floor to apologize to him maybe he could also kick me as to repay what I did to his clothes. Maybe I did wronged him in that way that made him refused to befriend me or assuming me as a brother. When I encountered these kind of incidents, I would be thinking maybe I had wronged the people around until they do not even accept my offerings to them.

Let me tell everyone something, though we are not pure Arabs but our customs apart of them is that we can't accept when people refuse our services or offerings that we sincerely offer. Just the same like those counterparts in Arabia. It is considered as rude and we would feel so ashamed, so sad, and sinful until we feel like tearing our own face. Personally it is o.k for me if whatever services or offers that I sincerely offer to them to be dumped behind me or given to others but they first need to receive it though they don't like it. It is just to make not me feel 丟臉 (humiliated) and disgraced in front of the Lord. That is why I never refuse what people give to me though it's just a piece of hair because it is to keep the dignity and the face of the giver to us beside showing them our appreciation. The same thing applies to me. I know Eastern culture is different where we do not burden people. I am also accustomed and well-understood about these because I am raised in Eastern part of the world and born here. I live my 26 years of life in Malaysia. A country with people of different ethnicity and various vernacular educational system... Malays, Chinese, Indian, Thai, Natives, non-Native migrants such as Javanese, Minangs, Achehnese from Indonesian islands and etc. I am also aware about religions around me and I had once was dipped into the religion of natives of South East Asia: Buddhism.

Maybe I am not a good brother for them, maybe scary and weird. So, perhaps I should avoid them and apologize to them like the swapakah for crossing the path of their life. I didn't mean to be like this. Yea, I was an infidel, a lost soul. Once a kafir unlike other Muslims who never question their faith since they were born in Muslim family and it's their culture and traditions that they are proud of telling non-Muslims that you people will be burn in hell unlike us who are noble and holy. I realize about this.

My Personal Thinking

When I didn't talk with people, there would be some people come to me and saying come on join everyone be friendly with everyone. But when I try to be friendly I just receive pain in the chest. Maybe it's a destiny that I should remain alone nor keeping any contact with people. This is a test from Allah and I should remember whatever I am doing including being friendly to people is for Allah's sake and not for myself. There are tests coming and I am also facing it. We just face it with perseverance, insha Allah.

Praising Lord time........ Allahumma salli 'alaa Muhammad wa 'alaa aali Muhammad...

Sealed with prayers for mercy, peace, and love, amin!   

This is just a test, patience... Ya Allah!

Assalaamu'alaikum wa Rahmatullah!

May peace and mercy descend upon brothers and sisters. I am so glad we are near Ramadan but in the same time I am also sad, I am stuck at my first chapter of thesis. I am not sad because of the thesis but the thesis becomes the asbab (reasons) for me to be far from the God :'( 

It makes me believe even more that this epoch is the evil epoch with evil people, evil works, evil thoughts, evil words, and everything evil in ones selves. May He strengthen our faith and helping us to gain our strength to perform obedience to Him, passing through this evil period.

I had just returned home from a mosque in our qaryah (parish). After Isya' I tried to avoid people as always because I don't like to be seen by anyone. So, I just quickly ran down to get my slippers, actually not my slippers because I borrowed it from my sister. I know that I am so dha'if, sengkek, and penniless. What else I can jot down here to describe the condition? Then suddenly dad shouted at me, actually he calls me to meet someone which is his acquaintance. I didn't really feel comfortable with that man, well he's quite "soft" and is a clerk in a hospital.  It's not a problem as long as he does not touch me, especially in holy boundary. I am not a person who is easily to be touched by anyone and quite sensitive with the manner in the masjid or places of worship. I don't care what people want to say or think about that.

I would not stay long at that place but will quickly leave if I feel uncomfortable with someone or anything being discussed by someone. Then, he asked me what am I doing. I would prefer to tell him that I am a jobless person. My dad and mum is feeding me because I am a useless handicapped guy in front of him. But it stuck in my throat. I just said the truth that I am pursuing master degree. Then he asked me whether I had experience working? I just answered him simple, no... I just wonder, why people love to ask whether we are working or not in their conversation as it is like a great achievement in our life???????????????!!!  Are they gonna give us job after they ask us those silly questions? No, for sure not all of the people would be so merciful to others since they are also desperate. 

I'm sorry for being quite a bad ass today and I hope that I hurt nobody. This is just what I personally feel and it is the reason why I hate to talk much in the public. Well, at least I don't have to see a councilor by jotting everything down because those fellows can't really solve anything but just making a life from that. Unless if the councilor is like the councilor who is already dead like Malcolm Crowe in the Sixth Sense.

When he heard that, he just said: "kalau macam tu susah lah. You dah ade master nanti, tapi takde pengalaman keje plak. Nanti orang tengok dorang lebih penting pengalaman keje." I actually am aware about that. I have an experience for about a year working in immigration department as a Chinese translator and interpreter although I never have any Chinese certificate. I understand two Chinese dialects but speak only one of it because I am not fluent in the other one and I write in Chinese for both dialects beside using Jawi Malay in most of my hand written document at least for now. 

I had anonymously helped hundreds of Muslim Chinese, Hui or Uyghur ethnic hajjs and hajjas who were trapped and stucked in the Kuala Lumpur International Airport in that short period time working experience. Even I also helped non-Muslim Chinese nationals in the airport according to my job responsibility and at the day I had got my salary where those salary goes to these people because I don't want them to waste their money buying expansive food stuffs or wasting their food supplies when they are in pilgrimage in airport. I just drink water because I am sacrificing myself for others to perform worship, may Allah never drag me to hell for jotting this down. I always went home late at night when I worked although I began my work at seven in the morning and goes to the airport at five before fajr prayer calling. Mum had also complained when I came back late and nobody would ever see my face at home while I work and now people are talking about this. Is it me who is an ingrate and do not appreciate what Allah 'Azza wa Jalla had given us? Other than that, I helped Indonesian, Indian, Vietnamese, Nepalese, Bangladeshi and other nationals who were abused like animals for their energy to be exploited in labor industry stucked in the freezing cold airport, calling here and there to their embassy while those officers in the office refused to be involved because they have many other important things to do. 

I don't think that I have to tell everything to people because the holy God is watching me down here and sometimes I can't even recall what I had done in the past unless if I sit down and think deeply on what happens in the past to get back my lost memory because I will try to erase all of the pain in the past. 

I feel quite sad and down when I encountered this kind of question. I realize that I am already 25 years old, but what is wrong with my age and working experience? I have other ex-colleague who were my classmates having no job until now. I understand how their feeling and I believe they might also feel insulted when people talk about that because they would feel down. 

One of my ex-classmate in the bachelor degree class, Mat Noq of Kulim was expelled from the study. I am so sad when I heard the news because we had tried to help him as a Muslim brother. Nobody really cares about him because he was pathetic, a fatso, no pleasant looking, dark, village folk, he eats rice with curry until it stains his manga comic and could be a servant to other hostel mates because he was traumatized with his school boy's life. I frankly hate to see this inequality! 

Another one of my ex-classmate is Syakeer of Kuala Berang. He was also expelled because he worked while studying and he failed almost all of the papers and have no choice but to be expelled by the dean and the university. He is currently working as a cleaner in Langkawi. I had Mat Med as my closest classmate and hostel mate. He has no job even until now. I also persuaded him to find a proper job for himself because I know how it feels when people talk like this to us, when parents begin to rant and naggin' to us. But in the same time I understand him for the failure to get immediate job. It is the mobility, and many other factors that stopped him from steppin' out of his boundary. I feel so sad for my friends. Not only when I listened people talking like they know more about us when they talk with us. 

Our bachelor certificate is a loose certificate. Everyone can be a translator or interpreter and we only have Malay and English as our major. Malaysians are good in English and we have no other skills like machinery, mechanical, engineering, medical, pharmaceutical or anything related to technical fields. We can take those courses again maybe through GiatMara and we would waste our time and money just for certification and to be recognized in working world. I myself have to upgrade my certificate to other field because the field of our bachelor degree is so loose and now I have to face all of this while my thesis is still in the mess. We could go to editorial, journalism, translation institute, teaching, and others and we would have to compete with people who are taking those fields in their certificate like mass-com, chemistry, physics, english, malay, and others. It's not like we are choosing the job too. I had once worked as a waiter, a multi-tasked waiter who also makes drink, washing dishes, cleaning the compounds of the restaurant, and making sandwiches at three in the morning for the restaurant owned by a Chinese Muslim. I had been a stringer not for so long in Berita Harian and helping literature desk and being condemned by novel readers through email because wrong information as I am not a novel fan but I have to write it because of the task and responsibility. When I talked to Mat Med in the messenger about why are we studying for our bachelor degree? We still can't get proper job like those who drives lorry in the highway. He also said, I don't know what to tell people when people ask him about our certificate. We are even worse than those who were looked down by people around during the look east policy and heavy industry policy was at their peak, the religious study students in madrasas.  

As what I had talked before, dear teachers in schools, please never lie to your pupils... Being in the university does not mean that we are achieving ultimate success. Success is not in the certificate. It is more than that, when we see Him in the hereafter. Why can't we feel others' pain and sensitive to others' feelings? This is among the things that creating the society in the condition today. A society in the "hell." I had always listened to people say this notion when I mingled with buddhists listening to religious lectures, "rau pein kon tee sang narok nai tua ieng." We are those who created hell in ourselves. It means everything in the society is related to each other. If one had created foul things, the other will receive the impact of the act of the other. The same thing happens in either place. This is the law of karmma in buddhist concept. I am talking about my past knowledge regarding how I view the society and environment :'(

We are just ordinary human-being. Why it is so hard for people around to understand each other while we are the same human? Is it because our thinking is different or our living experience is different? Some might face little hardships in life? Some with lots of hardship? Different level of hardships? Facing hardships in different conditions?

I can be anything He wants me to be. Why do I have to worry about future when it is pre-destined for everyone? Maybe next year I would be dead who knows if it is written in Luh Mahfuz? I have a very high dignity, it is not proud or pride. I would feel insulted when people talk something which I had already think of for thousands or trillions of times because I am aware about that. If it is about things related to Him I would never feel intimidated. And worldly matters or anything related to it in His House is so insulting! I would prefer to talk about those things outside of the holy boundary! 

I had just said my repentance before Him and there it comes, my patience being tested by these fellow humans, ya Allahhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!! At the same time ustad Wan which is my old friend who joined the same Arabic class in the other mosque approached me and dad. Dad again asked him, "can't you recommend him to be a muadzin in this mosque?" Haiyoooyooooo........ Muka perambo sudah tebal lahhhh nak simpan mano lagi weh!!!!! Since I finished my first degree I had faced this kind of situation. If not dad who asked about this to others, then mum would ask people who came by at our house to recommend me for a job like I am incapable of doing things on my own but in the same time they would condemn me for the incapability that they had created. That also makes me rushing to find job in a security company as a supervisor few months before I get the offer to further master in the same university. I was so angry but I do not blame dad for raising up the issue. I know that he is affected by stroke and that makes his thinking quite unclear. But I guess he had been like that since he was healthy. 

I still remember he became so sincere with his friends and told everything including the embarrassing ones to them. I don't know what parents think of their children even if they are proud of their children. Telling everything about their children to others is not a good thing. Children have soul. I wonder, what parents or those who are now parents thinking of their children? Even if their children are still toddlers in their cradle? Some kind of dolls? Children are pets? We can cuddle them when we need them, and when we don't need them we may do anything we like to them? These children have no feeling? They possess no dignity? They have nothing to be ashamed of because they are children????????????? 

And if children are the children, parents could physically, internally or mentally abuse or hurting their children because they are parents? Making the children feel embarrassed of themselves in front of other with words in front of unknown people is righteous according to Quran and Sunnah? Children have no place in parents consideration because the power of forgiveness is in parents hand if children did something that hurts parents feeling while actually environment around them including the environment created by parents is the reason for the attitude of children? Children have no feeling? Aren't children too faithful brethren of parents? 

This is what I always mentioned as my disappointment in our Muslim community. As a revert from old ideology when I was in confusion, I feel so upset. When I try to talk to others to be aware about environment around, people's around feeling and thinking, I was misunderstood as a rebel and an ingrate. I always try to talk with manner proposed by Quran and Sunnah to others and I still avoid from parents to be shameful although they are the ones who makes me feel embarrassed of my self. 

What is so wrongggggg with us peopleee????????????!!!!!!! Now when I am feeling insulted, am I the one who is sinful to dad? I don't blame him nor anyone. I always pray for him to be forgiven by the Lord, how could I be a cruel son? I understand him and his situation, but I just had a quarrel with mum regarding dad's situation that she have to force dad to go to mosques while he can follow me to Tablighi Sulau closer to our house and nobody there knows him or me. I talked to her about the example of the situation that always happen in our life, my life, every child's life and it affects everything around. Can anyone around takes me or others as a lowly brother for himself or herself? Physically, I am a child to her, but in the soul I am her brother in faith. This is also a reason I don't like to perform obedience in a group especially with family but I encourage everyone into obedience. Because we know what will happen. Just perform everything step by step and we don't have to reform in a blink of eyes. I prefer to perform obedience without being known or seen. Not all of the people understand us. It is so tormenting, ya Allllaaaaaahhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

I'm feeling my heart is burning, pierced with swords, and tied with thorns. My face burns down and I can't look at people face anymore after this. Now I understand how prophet Isa a.s feels when he has to face "the believer" at his time who were divided to the Pharisee and Sadducee. After noble prophet Muhammad s.a.w returns to Him, I feel that it becomes more like Isa a.s era as what had been told in the writings of the apostles of prophet Isa a.s.  

Please forgive my sins ya Allah forgive sins of my parents, my grandparents, my ancestors, my brothers and sisters in faith. I know I am your filthy sinful creature, that's why I receive all of these. But be merciful to me, I am weak, incapable of anything because I am only a low creature :'(         

Allahumma salli 'alaa Muhammad, wa 'alaa aali Muhammad. Ka-maa sallaita 'alaa Ibraahim wa 'alaa aali Ibraahim. Allahumma baarik 'alaa Muhammad wa 'ala aali Muhammad, ka-maa baarak-ta 'alaa Ibrahim wa 'alaa aali Ibraahim. Fi-l 'aalameena inna-ka hameedum-majeed. 10000 x 

Dear Lord please be in contact with our prophet Muhammad s.a.w and his family. As you had been in contact with our father Abraham and his family. Our Lord, please bless our prophet Muhammad s.a.w and his family. As you had blessed our father Abraham and his family. In the universe, You are the only One who is worth the praises and glory. 10000 x