Challenging

Assalaamu'alaikum wa rahmatullah

I had attend the language class' first meeting. Urmm, beside I don't know anything in the class because the teacher is mumbling in her language and I could only understand written things, those little undergraduate kids were bringing me up to my nerves. 

Have to be patient and remember that I am fasting today. Trying not to be violent or yelling to people and it is not easy because it can cause us heart-attack. It's like we put a hot burning iron into icy cold water. Next time I would have to avoid taking meat because the soul of those animals slaughtered could also influence my spirit and soul. Dad loves to eat beef and now I know why he was a hot-tempered man when he was young. I didn't take beef or any hot-blooded meat due to my previous belief which involves Brahmanism of Buddhist traditions and it becomes a habit. If I take it, it would be in a very little portion. Last time I hate Aiduladha because I would have to see people slaughtering cow and goats while I can't reveal to people that I was a Buddhist. However, I tried to take beef now because I am afraid that people would mistaken me as a Hindu while I had already repented and trying to be an obedient Muslim. I took the beef and had broken the pantang last semester break when I went to have dinners with little sister.

Those kids I don't know what to say. If they found that they have to finish whatever their co-curriculum units or optional units and their schedule is not suitable with the time, why not opting for other courses like outdoor activities? Can't they think creatively how to solve problems unless if they have obligation to take the "option" course?  What irritates me is that I found most of them are taking the course with audit status but I have to stay with them and wasting precious time in which I could check anything that I could add in the thesis. When we check the thesis it could not be stopped because anything important that we missed will flows like nothing.

I am not an undergraduate student but the silly language course was included as a pre-condition for me to pass my postgraduate certificate. I am already five years here. I can't bear to be stuck in this place anymore because it becomes a torment for me though I tried to ease it with many things and making everything turns positive. We are not supported by government budgets too unlike when we were in undergraduate level. The more I stay here the more not normal that I would feel because the environment in here is not good to build social relation with society. People also believe myths about introverts and thinking that introverts are different from others. Try check things about who are introverts.

I believe that the director of Language Center somebody Pandiyan Amphigapatti with red eyes had persuaded his brother who is a dean in our school of Social Science to make compulsory the foreign language course other than English to postgraduate students of International Studies. Maybe because it is for Language Center survival since most of departments of the University has to be independent or they could not survive after reaching the APEX status. So, you strangle everyone as possible as you can, noh? I had talked with my seniors last time regarding they had to answer this Amphigapatti guy and they were lectured for not paying for the class. Not because they skipped those classes because they were tensed with the teacher's attitude in the class.

Among the lecture of that guy which makes me wanted to laugh told to me by our seniors is like that guy said: "Don't you know that whatever you don't pay will be claimed in the hereafter???!" This Hindu guy' statement is just making me laughing to my pants, trying to talk religiously to people and making whatever wrong as right. First of all we are customers and we know the limits and boundaries of customers and they are the providers of services so they should know the terms of providing services too. They should not force people in the first place to accept their service in term that if people don't need it. International Studies students must be proficient or at least could understand English and most of us speak in English. We write our thesis in English and not in other European languages. 

I am aware about Brahminical beliefs since Buddhism principles and Hinduism principles are almost the same or just the same and if I am there perhaps I would put some eye mo in his red eyes. We don't behave like an Ariya (noble person) when we strangle people's neck but telling lies about we force others to take classes in our school because we wanted to survive or saving our own ass. That is an attitude of a Swapakah. Why don't we just say: "I need your money for my organization to survive so please I beg you give me this amount of money or else my organization could not survive and I have no wages or could not make a living." Perhaps, I would also think that this beggar is so needy and he is honest. I don't mind to give some donation to him or his organization like RM350 and just let me alone.    

I think English is more than European and we don't need other Continental European languages for our master degree. I just want to get the certificate because I had paid for that and that is my right even if it is without graduation ceremony. I don't want any ceremony but just returning to whatever I feel important to do and to correct in the future. When we begin something we must also terminate it like we begin because it is not a noble attitude to do everything halfway. I was not clear about the course I am taking now in the beginning and when I was half of the period I found that the studies does not suit my interest and it is disappointing because I am a customer to the University. I don't care whatever grade does it bear and I wanted to pay back my parents and sister's loan beside finishing the payment of PTPTIPU.

Urmmm, feel like wanted to slap those kids faces one by one and saying yang hangpa gatai-getik sangat nak amik kelas pelik-pelik buat apa kalu dah tahu sibuq takdak masa?????? They still have many semesters to go so they should know how to prioritize on what is important. This is my final semester. Now I have to go to language center again and listen to them negotiate the schedule and I am quite angry with the management of the school who did not earlier inform us that we could opt for postgraduate four hours in a row language class in the weekend so why should I join these undergraduate students? I am not a bitch who lower-estimate people but I think that these undergraduate students are below the level of humanity while the language school management is irresponsible to customers although they forced us to accept their service. I am sorry to say this but lying is more sinful than telling the truth. I don't want anything stopping me from graduating and properly ending the terms here. Sabaq ja laaaa. 

Astaghfirullahal'azhimmm wa atuubu ilayh, dear Lord please forgive me! Please don't make these people torture me or my worships to You will be in vain. Please accept me my worship and make me a Muslim on the path of our noble patriarchs Abraham a.s and Isma'il a.s.

Sealed with prayers for mercy, peace, and love, amin!         

This is just a test, patience... Ya Allah!

Assalaamu'alaikum wa Rahmatullah!

May peace and mercy descend upon brothers and sisters. I am so glad we are near Ramadan but in the same time I am also sad, I am stuck at my first chapter of thesis. I am not sad because of the thesis but the thesis becomes the asbab (reasons) for me to be far from the God :'( 

It makes me believe even more that this epoch is the evil epoch with evil people, evil works, evil thoughts, evil words, and everything evil in ones selves. May He strengthen our faith and helping us to gain our strength to perform obedience to Him, passing through this evil period.

I had just returned home from a mosque in our qaryah (parish). After Isya' I tried to avoid people as always because I don't like to be seen by anyone. So, I just quickly ran down to get my slippers, actually not my slippers because I borrowed it from my sister. I know that I am so dha'if, sengkek, and penniless. What else I can jot down here to describe the condition? Then suddenly dad shouted at me, actually he calls me to meet someone which is his acquaintance. I didn't really feel comfortable with that man, well he's quite "soft" and is a clerk in a hospital.  It's not a problem as long as he does not touch me, especially in holy boundary. I am not a person who is easily to be touched by anyone and quite sensitive with the manner in the masjid or places of worship. I don't care what people want to say or think about that.

I would not stay long at that place but will quickly leave if I feel uncomfortable with someone or anything being discussed by someone. Then, he asked me what am I doing. I would prefer to tell him that I am a jobless person. My dad and mum is feeding me because I am a useless handicapped guy in front of him. But it stuck in my throat. I just said the truth that I am pursuing master degree. Then he asked me whether I had experience working? I just answered him simple, no... I just wonder, why people love to ask whether we are working or not in their conversation as it is like a great achievement in our life???????????????!!!  Are they gonna give us job after they ask us those silly questions? No, for sure not all of the people would be so merciful to others since they are also desperate. 

I'm sorry for being quite a bad ass today and I hope that I hurt nobody. This is just what I personally feel and it is the reason why I hate to talk much in the public. Well, at least I don't have to see a councilor by jotting everything down because those fellows can't really solve anything but just making a life from that. Unless if the councilor is like the councilor who is already dead like Malcolm Crowe in the Sixth Sense.

When he heard that, he just said: "kalau macam tu susah lah. You dah ade master nanti, tapi takde pengalaman keje plak. Nanti orang tengok dorang lebih penting pengalaman keje." I actually am aware about that. I have an experience for about a year working in immigration department as a Chinese translator and interpreter although I never have any Chinese certificate. I understand two Chinese dialects but speak only one of it because I am not fluent in the other one and I write in Chinese for both dialects beside using Jawi Malay in most of my hand written document at least for now. 

I had anonymously helped hundreds of Muslim Chinese, Hui or Uyghur ethnic hajjs and hajjas who were trapped and stucked in the Kuala Lumpur International Airport in that short period time working experience. Even I also helped non-Muslim Chinese nationals in the airport according to my job responsibility and at the day I had got my salary where those salary goes to these people because I don't want them to waste their money buying expansive food stuffs or wasting their food supplies when they are in pilgrimage in airport. I just drink water because I am sacrificing myself for others to perform worship, may Allah never drag me to hell for jotting this down. I always went home late at night when I worked although I began my work at seven in the morning and goes to the airport at five before fajr prayer calling. Mum had also complained when I came back late and nobody would ever see my face at home while I work and now people are talking about this. Is it me who is an ingrate and do not appreciate what Allah 'Azza wa Jalla had given us? Other than that, I helped Indonesian, Indian, Vietnamese, Nepalese, Bangladeshi and other nationals who were abused like animals for their energy to be exploited in labor industry stucked in the freezing cold airport, calling here and there to their embassy while those officers in the office refused to be involved because they have many other important things to do. 

I don't think that I have to tell everything to people because the holy God is watching me down here and sometimes I can't even recall what I had done in the past unless if I sit down and think deeply on what happens in the past to get back my lost memory because I will try to erase all of the pain in the past. 

I feel quite sad and down when I encountered this kind of question. I realize that I am already 25 years old, but what is wrong with my age and working experience? I have other ex-colleague who were my classmates having no job until now. I understand how their feeling and I believe they might also feel insulted when people talk about that because they would feel down. 

One of my ex-classmate in the bachelor degree class, Mat Noq of Kulim was expelled from the study. I am so sad when I heard the news because we had tried to help him as a Muslim brother. Nobody really cares about him because he was pathetic, a fatso, no pleasant looking, dark, village folk, he eats rice with curry until it stains his manga comic and could be a servant to other hostel mates because he was traumatized with his school boy's life. I frankly hate to see this inequality! 

Another one of my ex-classmate is Syakeer of Kuala Berang. He was also expelled because he worked while studying and he failed almost all of the papers and have no choice but to be expelled by the dean and the university. He is currently working as a cleaner in Langkawi. I had Mat Med as my closest classmate and hostel mate. He has no job even until now. I also persuaded him to find a proper job for himself because I know how it feels when people talk like this to us, when parents begin to rant and naggin' to us. But in the same time I understand him for the failure to get immediate job. It is the mobility, and many other factors that stopped him from steppin' out of his boundary. I feel so sad for my friends. Not only when I listened people talking like they know more about us when they talk with us. 

Our bachelor certificate is a loose certificate. Everyone can be a translator or interpreter and we only have Malay and English as our major. Malaysians are good in English and we have no other skills like machinery, mechanical, engineering, medical, pharmaceutical or anything related to technical fields. We can take those courses again maybe through GiatMara and we would waste our time and money just for certification and to be recognized in working world. I myself have to upgrade my certificate to other field because the field of our bachelor degree is so loose and now I have to face all of this while my thesis is still in the mess. We could go to editorial, journalism, translation institute, teaching, and others and we would have to compete with people who are taking those fields in their certificate like mass-com, chemistry, physics, english, malay, and others. It's not like we are choosing the job too. I had once worked as a waiter, a multi-tasked waiter who also makes drink, washing dishes, cleaning the compounds of the restaurant, and making sandwiches at three in the morning for the restaurant owned by a Chinese Muslim. I had been a stringer not for so long in Berita Harian and helping literature desk and being condemned by novel readers through email because wrong information as I am not a novel fan but I have to write it because of the task and responsibility. When I talked to Mat Med in the messenger about why are we studying for our bachelor degree? We still can't get proper job like those who drives lorry in the highway. He also said, I don't know what to tell people when people ask him about our certificate. We are even worse than those who were looked down by people around during the look east policy and heavy industry policy was at their peak, the religious study students in madrasas.  

As what I had talked before, dear teachers in schools, please never lie to your pupils... Being in the university does not mean that we are achieving ultimate success. Success is not in the certificate. It is more than that, when we see Him in the hereafter. Why can't we feel others' pain and sensitive to others' feelings? This is among the things that creating the society in the condition today. A society in the "hell." I had always listened to people say this notion when I mingled with buddhists listening to religious lectures, "rau pein kon tee sang narok nai tua ieng." We are those who created hell in ourselves. It means everything in the society is related to each other. If one had created foul things, the other will receive the impact of the act of the other. The same thing happens in either place. This is the law of karmma in buddhist concept. I am talking about my past knowledge regarding how I view the society and environment :'(

We are just ordinary human-being. Why it is so hard for people around to understand each other while we are the same human? Is it because our thinking is different or our living experience is different? Some might face little hardships in life? Some with lots of hardship? Different level of hardships? Facing hardships in different conditions?

I can be anything He wants me to be. Why do I have to worry about future when it is pre-destined for everyone? Maybe next year I would be dead who knows if it is written in Luh Mahfuz? I have a very high dignity, it is not proud or pride. I would feel insulted when people talk something which I had already think of for thousands or trillions of times because I am aware about that. If it is about things related to Him I would never feel intimidated. And worldly matters or anything related to it in His House is so insulting! I would prefer to talk about those things outside of the holy boundary! 

I had just said my repentance before Him and there it comes, my patience being tested by these fellow humans, ya Allahhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!! At the same time ustad Wan which is my old friend who joined the same Arabic class in the other mosque approached me and dad. Dad again asked him, "can't you recommend him to be a muadzin in this mosque?" Haiyoooyooooo........ Muka perambo sudah tebal lahhhh nak simpan mano lagi weh!!!!! Since I finished my first degree I had faced this kind of situation. If not dad who asked about this to others, then mum would ask people who came by at our house to recommend me for a job like I am incapable of doing things on my own but in the same time they would condemn me for the incapability that they had created. That also makes me rushing to find job in a security company as a supervisor few months before I get the offer to further master in the same university. I was so angry but I do not blame dad for raising up the issue. I know that he is affected by stroke and that makes his thinking quite unclear. But I guess he had been like that since he was healthy. 

I still remember he became so sincere with his friends and told everything including the embarrassing ones to them. I don't know what parents think of their children even if they are proud of their children. Telling everything about their children to others is not a good thing. Children have soul. I wonder, what parents or those who are now parents thinking of their children? Even if their children are still toddlers in their cradle? Some kind of dolls? Children are pets? We can cuddle them when we need them, and when we don't need them we may do anything we like to them? These children have no feeling? They possess no dignity? They have nothing to be ashamed of because they are children????????????? 

And if children are the children, parents could physically, internally or mentally abuse or hurting their children because they are parents? Making the children feel embarrassed of themselves in front of other with words in front of unknown people is righteous according to Quran and Sunnah? Children have no place in parents consideration because the power of forgiveness is in parents hand if children did something that hurts parents feeling while actually environment around them including the environment created by parents is the reason for the attitude of children? Children have no feeling? Aren't children too faithful brethren of parents? 

This is what I always mentioned as my disappointment in our Muslim community. As a revert from old ideology when I was in confusion, I feel so upset. When I try to talk to others to be aware about environment around, people's around feeling and thinking, I was misunderstood as a rebel and an ingrate. I always try to talk with manner proposed by Quran and Sunnah to others and I still avoid from parents to be shameful although they are the ones who makes me feel embarrassed of my self. 

What is so wrongggggg with us peopleee????????????!!!!!!! Now when I am feeling insulted, am I the one who is sinful to dad? I don't blame him nor anyone. I always pray for him to be forgiven by the Lord, how could I be a cruel son? I understand him and his situation, but I just had a quarrel with mum regarding dad's situation that she have to force dad to go to mosques while he can follow me to Tablighi Sulau closer to our house and nobody there knows him or me. I talked to her about the example of the situation that always happen in our life, my life, every child's life and it affects everything around. Can anyone around takes me or others as a lowly brother for himself or herself? Physically, I am a child to her, but in the soul I am her brother in faith. This is also a reason I don't like to perform obedience in a group especially with family but I encourage everyone into obedience. Because we know what will happen. Just perform everything step by step and we don't have to reform in a blink of eyes. I prefer to perform obedience without being known or seen. Not all of the people understand us. It is so tormenting, ya Allllaaaaaahhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

I'm feeling my heart is burning, pierced with swords, and tied with thorns. My face burns down and I can't look at people face anymore after this. Now I understand how prophet Isa a.s feels when he has to face "the believer" at his time who were divided to the Pharisee and Sadducee. After noble prophet Muhammad s.a.w returns to Him, I feel that it becomes more like Isa a.s era as what had been told in the writings of the apostles of prophet Isa a.s.  

Please forgive my sins ya Allah forgive sins of my parents, my grandparents, my ancestors, my brothers and sisters in faith. I know I am your filthy sinful creature, that's why I receive all of these. But be merciful to me, I am weak, incapable of anything because I am only a low creature :'(         

Allahumma salli 'alaa Muhammad, wa 'alaa aali Muhammad. Ka-maa sallaita 'alaa Ibraahim wa 'alaa aali Ibraahim. Allahumma baarik 'alaa Muhammad wa 'ala aali Muhammad, ka-maa baarak-ta 'alaa Ibrahim wa 'alaa aali Ibraahim. Fi-l 'aalameena inna-ka hameedum-majeed. 10000 x 

Dear Lord please be in contact with our prophet Muhammad s.a.w and his family. As you had been in contact with our father Abraham and his family. Our Lord, please bless our prophet Muhammad s.a.w and his family. As you had blessed our father Abraham and his family. In the universe, You are the only One who is worth the praises and glory. 10000 x