Friday, 13 April 2012

Hope My Thesis Won't Make Me Stuck

Assalaamu'alaikum wa rahmatullah

Haizzzzzz, I wish that my thesis won't make me stuck here. My supervisor just emailed me saying that she received a bundle of my thesis. She is not sure whether she could finish checking in a short time. I had send her emails many times but she never replies me. I actually didn't get any proper instruction from her. Only once that I get from her in the last two semester and she asked me to again polish up my proposals. I don't know why it should be like a Phd thesis for a master student? I thought that we suppose to do a mini-thesis.

I don't want to be graduated late and I don't want to send it in June. I can't even stand it anymore in here that makes me feel like not joining the graduation ceremony if I managed to pass everything. I simply want to get my certificate as a "receipt" for my parents and later paying back the amount that I had promised them because I had violated their rights in this way. I returned here because of Charlie which was my junior at my previous hostel apart of few other reasons but after I found that my service as a "company" is not needed anymore so why should I stay here anymore? I don't want to meet any new students anymore. It will be torturing me more if I have to also help others being their company while they are alone as I am a company for those who are alone and after that I will be stuck here forever. 

I just sent it after Juma'at prayer service. We also prayed for a passed away lady who was a staff in the Institute of Postgraduate in our institution. I don't know why but my eyes flow a little tears when I touched the coffin... I think maybe I imagined myself in the coffin :'(

I don't want to stay in USM anymore. This is not my time anymore to be a student here and my inner side is rejecting everything here. I have to go to the next scene of this life and not stuck in here forever. I have other responsibilities for nations. This 'course' is confining me from moving around. 

I just went to library before Maghrib prayer service then in the gap between Maghrib and 'Isya' I also spent my time there reading books about the God and the Path alone. I checked the Shariah kitabs at the Malay language section while trying to orally translate things (whispering) that I read into Chinese. I didn't bring any pen to jot down notes on what I had read and generated. I only have my Quran bag which I always bring together as a "friend". I planned to perform a ziyarah (visit) to China western province. I already planned this since I was working as an interpreter for Chinese nationals in airport during the time of Abdullah Badawi the fifth prime minister. I talked with few pilgrims to Mecca from China and asking them here and there about Muslims' area in their provinces, our missions and also about mausoleum of teachers. Many people going to India or Iran to visit teachers but I just want to bring Eastern region again into mainstream spheres and transmitting it more crossing the Yellow sea and among our fellow Malaysian Chinese Muslim brothers and sisters so we have more choice and not only bounded to our Malay or Indian brothers framework. Then checking the books and religious curriculum in Madrasas in China as a service for others here. That's only my ambition for the time-being. 

Ya Allah please help me, make everything flow smoothly and easily for me....... Please make my supervisor finish checking everything in this thesis before this 17th so I could have some time to edit everything and send it all to the panels at 24th April. I don't want to stay here anymore. I don't want to see new students in my hostel or anywhere in the university anymore. I beg You ya Allah. Please don't withhold me here it is very painful ya Allah. Only You know how painful it is. 

Sealed with prayers for mercy, peace and love, amin!    

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