Saturday, 14 April 2012

I Wanna Go Home

Assalaamu'alaikum wa rahmatullah

I wanna go home. I don't want to see people anymore. This place sucks... I don't belong here. My 'time' here has finished when I was graduated as an undergraduate. 

I don't need this master certificate. It is useless anyway when I go out I will still have to show my degree certificate as people will refuse me if I show my master degree. But now I am almost to the end of the term. I regret accepting the letter. I regret coming here. I regret also mingled with people. I should avoid human-being. I should not study this. I think I am cursed by my elders prayers. My mother also had once prayed that I should be a jurist studying Shariah and the Path. When I talked and asked her she reveals that she indeed prayed that for me. I should not listen to any political leaders' words or being like others but only sticking to my ancestral path and fate. Now I feel everything is wrong in myself. I don't know whether I should knock my head to the wall or what? When I see people faces I just feel like I wanted to cry. All of my limited friends had also gone.

No Friends No Spiritual Brothers

I remembered that I only had three friends who never mingle together but only spending times with me at certain time when they are free during my undergraduate times. I had also lost contact with my friend during lower A-Level after I dropped out, Hisham. I can't make friends with people around when I was a primary or secondary school kid because I had identity conflict and Malay kids actually do not really accept me nor can I mingle with them :'( Now I could only think I should cease from the world without anyone realize it. I read from Abdul Malik Amrullah books. He said that a person actually can marry and have children but they will eventually find their friends to tell about their problems. I had see this happened to my father. Now, he is facing the problem which we call it as Jiwa Kacau (psychological problem). He used to have many friends before and spending his time drinking teh tarik at mamak restaurants or stalls. Last time an Indonesian brother had also told me if you feel bored go get marry when I said I am bored. Actually I am bored staying in USM and Penang not because I have no wife or girls to cuddle. I don't even care if people love me or not because I was never treated with love by people around. I just received insults and being offended. When I treat people with love it is because I don't want people to feel what I feel. They should not feel like that or being tortured.

No Magical nor Miracles

I feel lazy to argue with people when people always think an easy solution. I can't blame anyone and I do recognize that people are of different thoughts. So, I begin to disband myself from people. Because people sometimes talk without using their brain or simply because they never see the "whole picture" yet but only because they hear this from that thing or that person. From this blog or that blog. I am writing here not only from my readings although that also influence me. It is also from my experience of life that really happened. Also the conflicts that happened in myself regarding my religion and faith. I am reading hadith though I am not a Tabligh or Ahlul Hadith. I should be a jurist who studies Quran and Sunnah before this but now I was an outcast and not belong to any groups. I just returned to my family order when I realized about myself and my ethnicity. It's not my desire but it is our nature and we have no choice. I was angry when I listened to some Tabligh brothers talking about this wali (saint) or seeing saints. I don't know how they understood it maybe they think a saint is something like magical stuffs. I was angry to them because I love them and I don't want them to be 'cursed' and 'tested'. It is unbearable. Being a wali is not fun. These people do not necessarily wearing like turban or walking on the water or being from any mission order or movement. I saw few walis in my life among them were my maternal grandparents and I am aware about that. That is why I am very discreet when I am talking to people because I sometimes could sense them and I am afraid of the consequence for hurting them. They do not only live like poor people, but also facing torments from around. Even when they passed away with diseases, their own family leaving them alone. They help people a lot when they were alive but when it comes to them they just gone like that. People only realize about them after they passed away. Please kindly don't spread this wide to people I beg brothers and sisters who are visiting this meaningless side. I don't really want to hear any nonsense notions about magical stuffs or walis. There is no such thing. Indeed I have bad feeling when I hear the word wali or saint. 


Ya Allah! this is so torturing.... I wish nobody know me. I wish to be only wind. Nobody see me. I want to perish... I always pray like mother Maryam prayed when she was about to give birth to prophet Jesus a.s: "O dear... I wish that I am dead before this and being something which has no significance forgotten by everyone" (Surah Maryam v. 23). I hate myself, I hate this world. This world is not for me. I think I lived like an animal since I was a little child. People around treated me like I am a genie. I tried to check back my good memories, but nothing. I have no good memories. When I mingle with people around I just feel down especially nobody understand what happens in my inner side. I have no self-respect.

Ya Allah please forgive me for once being an Atheist or Zindiq or Buddhist whatever it is. I am so sorry I know and realized my sins. I cry to You dear Lord I try to return to my nature. I scared people away too and even missed few good friends because I think that I am not a good brother as compared to them. I just wanted to be like other normal people mingle around without talking about religion just simply be a lay man. But in the end I still become like this........ Please help me calm down ya Allah make me patient and guide me please with holy spirit. Indeed patience is beautiful

Ya Allah please don't let any of my beloved brother and sister experienced what I had experienced. Protect them please.      

Sealed with prayers for mercy, peace and love amin!  

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