Determined

Assalaamu'alaikum wa rahmatullah

I was actually thinking of starting again. But I would only apply for a temporary job as a steward or perhaps as cleaner in a hotel in Putrajaya. So I do not have to go out from this area for a moment and could also check on my father. Ok, I am telling my exact location. I live in Putrajaya Federal state and my parents bought a house here because of few reasons. First, my mother was tired of moving in and out. Second, my sisters do not want to return to our state in Kedah. They work here. I agreed to follow my father returning home last time but we have to be in accordance with the majority. So, here we are. 

In the same time where my maternal grandfather passed away at our house around 2007, my father was attacked with hypertension and there is a blood clot in his head. We did not notice it until May 2012 where he was hospitalized after a low-risk falling at our cousin's house in Selayang. He worked with the former Minister of Natural Resources, Dato' Azmi Khalid as his press secretary. My father had served two federal ministers and Kedah state chief minister as their press secretary. The period he served those politicians was around 1998 up to 2007. The other two ministers and politicians were Dato' Osman Aroff and Dato' Abdul Hamid Zainal 'Abiddin. The previous was the Chief Minister of Kedah state and the latter was Religious Affair Minister in the Prime Minister's Department office. To tell brothers and sisters the truth. We did not live luxurious life nor taking advantage from the position that we have like other people. Our life were miserable ones and we have to survive just like other migrants but only with the status son of the soil as our ancestors were interwoven into Malayan state system since before British arrival. I never tell anyone about my father job except that I told them my father was a reporter. That was his previous job. Some editors in the Berita Harian of the News Straits Times Press (NSTP) are his colleagues and he was their senior. I did not really like my father job as a press secretary for politicians. The job is stressful and I could see that from his face. I understood that he only went there for career advancement but no one told him about how to let go if we are going to sink down the stream.     

The secretary of ministers are of contract basis. They are not permanent government staffs. They can apply for government quarters but they have no government pension nor other benefits like covered hospital admission and stuffs. My father bought the house in the state after the agreement with my mother and they sold a property in Hulu Langat in Selangor state. My secondary schooling time partly was in Selangor state. I was always alone never close to my sisters. I did not make any long term friendship with people around because I am afraid that I would have to shift place again. The only long term friend which still survive in my contact are Amir and Azren which were my colleagues in the Universiti Sains Malaysia. The other is Aliff from the school of humanity majoring in Geography studies. I visited him after his father passed away and handing my personal donations just to ease his family sadness. I wanted to visit him frequently but right now I have to survive too. Once I could grip my survival, then I would perhaps pay him and his mother a visit. But they are just my contacts. Never my close friends. That is why I keep repeating my closest friend is the God the Highest and noble prophets of the God. They are my friends and I talk with them through prayers and salawat and salaam.

Urmm, these three weeks I am in abstinence and penitence period. I fast for Monday and Thursday again. I ignored doctor's advice on me about nutritional balance. I eat only twice a day just to survive. One is during the predawn breakfast and one is during the iftaar breaking of the fast during the dusk hour. I am performing these simply for the God the Highest. It is counted as a sacrifice on my behalf and I wish the meritorious deeds being imparted to my ancestors too. It also includes my parents. 

I refuse to speak with people around but only using signals just like prophet Zachariah a.s and the blessed lady Maryam the mother of Jesus the Christ (Surah Maryam v. 10 & 29). I just keep my silence when some brothers in musalla or masjid talked to me but giving the signals by closing my eyes that I wanted to stay in litanies after answering their greeting which is the salaam. I do not care if they wanted to say to me things like, "budak ini tak reti berdunia kah?", "banyak sombong ini orang!" or saying, "hablumminannaas hablumminallah...". I do not care... I am still in communion with communal services but I am just secluding myself from the crowd. I feel exhausted and I do not know what can I say in the conversation anymore. As I said earlier. This period seems like resembling the period of  prophet Jesus a.s where the generation with venomous tongue is rampant. People seems like religious talking religion here and there or justifying their vices or ego through religious sounding statements but in the same time they are also hypocrites having no fear to the God when uttering slanders or hurting the "heart" of other souls created by the God the Highest. I even doubt myself and I am afraid of myself too.

I am thinking of saving some money to get myself a motorbike driving license. I have car driving license but I have had no time to finish the motorcycle's. Once I have got the license perhaps I would get a motorbike to find other secured jobs. This happens because my mother was so afraid that I would join those rempit racers and afraid that I would end up die on the road. Anyway, the God the Highest can take our soul anywhere and at anytime. I think they were too paranoid. It is now making my life difficult too. I would never borrow anyone possession and it also includes motorbikes or car. Who is going to be responsible if I scratch their car or involved in road accidents with their possession??  

In the meantime, I would have to plan everything such as my worship time and Quran memorization. It is more to make them into a habit but I also have to catch up with the syllabus while not studying like normal students in Mecca or Medina. They would use their certificate to be religious officers such as tithe collectors, paid preachers, imams, teachers, and others. But I simply study these because of my responsibility to know Him. I am not sure whether I am eligible for the tithe or zakaat because al-Umm in the Kitab al-Zakah mentions that the Hashemites can get help through khums which is the 2.5 tax taken from the other Hashemites. But the problem is most of my father closest relatives are also poor. So, I end up studying them on my own without any institutional help. Only based from my previous existing knowledge from teachers and memorizing them including checking everything in detail by asking here and there. And then implementing them as a habit.

I also fast yesterday in the 9th day of Dhulhijja 1434. For brothers and sisters who fast yesterday. Congratulations...! May you receive His pleasure and boundless love. Those in the holy land are not encouraged to fast because they should have more energy to perform other acts of worship. I avoid from beef and now it is also extended to chicken. I do not know... They smell weird or maybe it is just my own poseur sense, hahaha. I just eat plain rice with salt or soy sauce in a minimized amount. It is safer and I am also avoiding from taking others rights at home. I am not working right now. It would be disrespectful to eat stuffs from women's salary. It would make me a coward and against our dignity. Dignity is above money and cannot be sold with gold. I would rather die and being killed than losing my dignity. It is about faith and valor.

Through His will I would be a cleaner or a steward washing dishes in the hotel. As long as it is legal and as long as I am not stealing whatever is not given to me. It is a quest for His pleasure. While having no possession to sacrifice, I can only offer my body as the sacrifice to the Highest. And wishing that sincerity for His pleasure and love ingrained in the heart, reaches Him.

Sealed with prayers for mercy, peace and love, amin!        

Indian Sub-Continent in Our Memory

Assalaamu'alaikum wa rahmatullah

Well, I speak in Chinese while I was in the USM. Many people thought that I am a Chinese myself especially when I speak in Northern Chinese accent the first time I met those Chinese national brothers. I did not speak in Chinese for nearly whenever it was while I became an interpreter for Chinese passengers in the airport only in working hours. I began to speak in the language again when I met brother Idris who happened to walk alone to the USM mosque during Ramadhan 2010. Just for brothers information especially those who had met me. My father family is of mixed ancestry from both Yemen and Indian sub-continent. We have special interest in Punjabi and Ordu poetry. Actually the Punjabi poetry is not like the Punjabi in the sense of the Punjabi-Punjabi. But it is a language known Saraiki something like that. I have got this information from elders with hardship until they threw out all the facts that they keep in themselves.

My late great grandmother on my father side was known as Zaynab. Her family were of Gujrat origin while the men of the clan who married among each other were of Yemenite Arab ancestry. This is how we were known as the Jawee Pekan and calling our fathers as pak in Classical Malay. Differently to nowadays identification of Jawee Peranakan with Southern Indians like those in Penang Island though it perhaps also refer to the Keralites. It is a common thing in Northern Malayan Peninsula or nowadays Malaysian Peninsula part that people in the city were of foreign ancestry but by time people began to adopt Malay language as their mother tongue. When people ask me with some racist questions about whether I am a Chinese or a Malay, I would have to deny both association because I prefer to be identified as an Arab as we still can trace our paternal clan which is an Arab clan. Zaynab is the name of one among the mother of believers which refers to lady Zaynab bt. Jahsh and also the name of the daughter of Ali r.a and Fatima r.a. Our people would mostly name their children with the name such as Ali, Hassan, Hussain, Zayn al'abiddin, Zaydi, Ja'afar, Hanbal, 'Adnan, Haydar and others because it reflects our religious and cultural identity. Only for myself, I have the name which is different to others but still with the initial Muhammad like other Muslim boys. And I use the identification Servant of the God when people trying to get to know me as I wanted to be known as anonymous.

The area Gujrat is not the Gujarat in India. But it was the Gujrat which was a city in Punjab province in nowadays Pakistan. Still, people there were in contact with those from Gujerat in the nowadays India because of the similarity in jurisprudence school, the school of Shafi'ie and they spread out from the area through the sea port in Gujarat. Back then, there were no Pakistan. So, we only identify the place with India. The first language that we were taught were Arabic and Indian Urdu, of course with some Dari (Hill Persian) words infiltering the vocabulary. And I could understand Urdu or Hindustani without even have to go and stay in Pakistan or India but I pretend like I did not understand it when the kids who introduced me to Tabligh Jama'at in the Bengal mosque simply because I am offering an honor for them to introduce me to their movement. I did not even follow the elder brother of my mother to his Tabligh Jama'at markaz because my father did not allow me to be there but I follow the kids because I see something in some of the kids. I mean I do not see something like paranormal but it is more to the premonitions. It is more to logic and scientific though I am not good in academics nor studying in science stream. I hate it when some other kids talking to me like I am some kind of an exorcist! That's hurt!   

Many people especially from the JT movement would be thinking that the respective Hanafi school of jurisprudence is associated with people in Pakistan today or India. Perhaps that is mostly true. Well, let me tell people something. Sindh which was opened again by the Umayyad caliphate troop is also an area populated by the adherents of Shafi'ie jurisprudence. When the Fatimid Da'ie al-Mutlaq took over the area in 9th century as the Fatimid were the Ismaili Shi'a government, they still adhere to the Shafi'ie jurisprudence while some were the adherents of Maliki and Hanbali jurisprudence. The school of jurisprudence is not something which people can be proud of. It is a branch of science itself where the scholars doing researches in order to help the public in performing their religious duties while living a life as a worshiper of the God the Highest. When we study something, we have to respect the science by finishing a "lesson" first before turning to other lessons.  

Indian sub-continent also left a print mark in our identity and history. One of the Hussain r.a grandson, Zayd bin Ali Zayn al-'Abiddin was born of an Indian mother. His mother was from Sindh. And he was killed by an Umayyad governor in a battle with Umayyad caliphate after a revolt. His skeleton was burn to ashes under the order of caliph Walid bin Yazid bin Abd al-Malik bin Marwan around 126 H (745 CE). Many of our people (Arabs) fled to India since 10th century while some were soldiers stationed in 17th century Mughal empire before being employed again by southern kingdoms which also includes the Muslim kingdoms in Malayan Peninsula. And that is how our ancestors arrived in Northern Malaysia today few hundred years mingling among the clans or marrying other North Indians with Arabian ancestry (Umayyad, Abbasid or Fatimid Arabs) before the British came. Only today, especially our women become very very modernized and they neglect the customs which opposes them to marry people out of our religious and cultural background. Some married the Malays, some married Indians (Southern Indians), some married Chinese men just like the men married women of other racial background in the previous years.

Back then there was no Pakistan nor India. There was no Bangladesh. We only got the news about British India before the partition of the sub-continent happened. I grow up in Chinese surrounding Kuala Lumpur, while at home I was exposed to 60s Hindustani movies as my father loves it so much... hehe..

I sometimes would listen to these oldies songs. They remind me to my bedridden father. He loves these Hindustani songs especially of the late Muhammad Rafi, Lata Mangeshkar and Asha Bhosle. Sometimes when I feel bored and only smile at my father face because he cannot speak anymore. Other than that I just pray to the God the Highest may He helps and protects everyone....

Sealed with prayers for mercy peace and love, amin!

Qurban 1434

Assalaamu'alaikum wa rahmatullah

 

Tomorrow is the 9th of Dhulhijja 34 H. The 10th would be the day of sacrifice where people would perform their symbolic sacrifice. I wish everyone a blessed 'Eid al-Adha. I consider everyday in my life as a sacrifice for the God the Highest. I love everything about the pilgrimage traditions. I love the ihram itself and all the regulations regarding the pilgrim manner of conduct. All of them are beautiful with transcendental philosophies. It is the most beautiful event in my life. I am thankful to the Lord for the invitation to be His guest like six years ago. I still can remember it. I try to cherish it by trying to bring the practices in the Haram al-Shareef to the other land. I miss the holy land... I miss the infant Ishmael a.s. I miss mother Hagar may the God bless her soul. I miss the noble prophet Muhammad s.a.w in the city of light... I miss them all.   

Darkness after the Light

Assalaamu'alaikum wa rahmatullah

Daily Life Experience

In this period of distress, because my father is bedridden since May 2012 and brothers and sisters could imagine how long he is in that condition. I stopped for few moments joining communal worship. The paralysis happened to my father is framed in the phrase, "one's body is the tomb of his soul". The other world is of course another story. How patient he is in that condition. I prayed that may the God the Highest forgives him whatever his errors and I forgive him too on whatever that he erred to me. 

When I ponder, he actually has done countless good things over me and to others. He encouraged me to study to the highest level that I can and he supported me. I just regret that I did not get to be his company when he was alone. I was also in trouble at the time trying to finish up the thesis. On the other hand, I had to become a counsel for sisters when they were in trouble, listening to mother crying over sisters and being the only boy in a home with all sister siblings could be stressful. I did not have any friend at home nor can I talk about boy's matter with them. Woman and man are different. 

Sometimes, I tried to meditate and closing my eyes but there are also times that I could not control my emotion. I simply burst out and it taints the environment around. I feel guilty and avoiding from looking at people's face after that. But most of all, I am thankful to the God the Highest. He kept me away from evil companies that will mislead me to destruction. He leads me to Him and I only know to find Him in the holy sanctuary, the mosque. I do not care if people call me crazy when I am in deep thought thinking about Him. Let them think whatever they wanted too. Sometimes, I would just chant holy verses and checking my pronunciation out loud at a comfortable place where no one performs prayer service.   

Last night I was keeping my father a company, and I simply sit at the sofa to signify to my mother that she should have some rest in her private room. She is a woman. It is ok I will take care of my father. I do not really sleep at night and reading some books and treatises. Early in the morning at 4:00 I perform the shower and praying for blessings and forgiveness under the pouring water. I cannot think myself as a good person though I go for prayer services. I still feel myself as an evil sinner. I feel guilty for not joining the daily communal worship simply because I do not want to see people's face. That is hypocrisy can I say. It is an ugly attitude. So, I just went to pray in communal worship. I am just writing this here to remind myself. 

After the 'Asr prayer service, I just sat in meditation at the pillar of the musalla. At that time, few people gathered there to listen to the Fadhilat al-'Amal recited by the guy who is a member of the Tabligh movement. I would actually try to avoid them. First of all, I do not like to talk with people broadly nor being interviewed. Most of all, the sunnah which I perform is not to be seen but only for the God. The obligatory one is of course free to be seen because it is not optional and offered in communal services. The other is, I will leave people when they start to speak in the "show off" tone or leaving behind the God the Highest and neglecting other souls (ego). Does not matter if it is coated with religious notions or in other means. I do not care if people call me an insolent. They are free to do so as that is their mouth. 

Never be Deceived

But, this evening I feel tired of running here and there simply to find a comfortable place to chant the litanies. So, I just remain there chanting litanies, closing my eyes while listening to them. I read those books such as Fadhilat al-'Amal when I am alone in the musalla and I made notes for them. I do not have any problem with their materials at all. I simply read anything that I think useful for "self" development. I listened about the "good words" and about not to be envious to the thing which is perceived as good received by the disbelievers. It says, "You have no knowledge about what will happen to the soul once it is pulled out from the body". 

This reminds me to a quote from Surat Ta-Ha v. 16 which means, "Thus, never let one avert you from "it" who does not believe in it and follows his desire, for you then would perish". It in the verse is a pragmatic for the God which is our creed and refers to the prayer services and performing the connection with Him in order to remember Him. This is my own understanding based from the very surah itself as the references to "it" come from the previous verses.  

Light Perishes

In this post, I would like to remind myself that a person who knows his own religion could also be deviated because of the darkness and poisons around. A Jew who would understood the principles of Torah, a Christian who would understood the wisdom of Jesus Christ and a Muslim who could differentiate the position of hadiths and knows the Quran could still be deviated from the Truth. It happens because he does not know how to control his desire and lust. The scripture knowledge that he has at a time would be useless at all for him. 

The God says in al-A'araf v. 175 which means, "And read for them the news about those who were brought to them our evidences, but they detached themselves from them; Thus Satan pursued him and he became among the deviators". 

Because of the lust and desires, the verses that he knows does not bringing any light to his soul, but making it darker. In the end, he becomes the follower of Satan until the verses he memorized were wrongly used. He becomes lost and lost. Just like in an example of a man who lives in the Holy Mecca for such a long time and people around look at him as a learned scholar, but because he is deviated by the Satan he becomes a drunk and leaves behind his prayer services. Thus, a person asked him, "Why are you drunk?" He answers, "There is no such evidence in the Quran or the Hadith which says that a drunk would be cast off into the hell". And regarding prayer, he says, "The Surah al-Ma'un mentions that the Wayl is for those who pray." Because he is deceived by his lust and desires so he is still twisting the fact by using the verses he memorized to defend the wrong way. He memorized the Quran and the Hadiths, but those holy verses and traditions were long detached from his soul. He is naked. 

And we pray with Surah ali-'Imran v. 8, "Our Lord, let not our hearts deviate, now after You have guided us but grant us mercy from Your own presence; for You are the Grantor of bounties without measure"...       

Sealed with prayers for mercy, peace and love, amin!

Quran Audio: Surah al-Haqqah

Assalaamu'alaikum wa rahmatullah!

 

Many things that we can learn from simple surahs... Just do not neglect them though you have memorized longer surahs. Through His Will....

Sealed with prayers for mercy, peace and love, amin!

Being Vegetarian

Assalaamu'alaikum wa rahmatullah

I was actually a full vegetarian and most of the time I took fresh leaves. Does not matter in the form of leaves or other part of edible plants. While at home I have to eat whatever that we have in our fridge which also includes the meat. Many people suspecting with few assumptions such as I am trying to imitate the Hindus or still is influenced by the tradition of the Enlightened people from ancient India. I just keep my silence and I refuse to say anything. Maybe yes. Maybe not. We live in the same Earth and it is not like Muslims or Arabs live in Jupiter before reaching the Earth. Or we are from different planet. Arabian culture is also divided into the legal and illegal ones when we look at them according to Islamic religious view.   

Let me tell people something. I am a Muslim. A follower of the religion of prophet Muhammad s.a.w and a follower of the path of noble prophet Abraham a.s. I follow a particular school of Islamic jurisprudence and I learned about other's as well. I am grateful to the Lord of the universe for reminding my soul to walk within the path and the lineages of His chosen prophets and messengers. Islam is a mercy of the Highest Lord to the universe and it is not something which is known as a pride as most fellow brothers and sisters might be thinking. Yes, it is part of our self identity but it is not a pride. We should be grateful to Him for Islam to flow within our body parts.

I always live in stressful condition and as long as I hold my breath, I will be tested with various of tests by the Lord as to see whether my faith and love to Him is increasing or decreasing. My family is not like other family with the children being nurtured with love. We were economic migrants from other state to another state even in the same country. Other than that, we are from mixed ancestry of Southern Arabian and Northern Indian from our paternal grandmothers' ancestor. The life story for both of my parents were not so remarkable full with sadness. I saw whatever happened to them and partly I experienced it myself. The gender balance in our family is not equal too with males as minority while the majority are females. The reason why I constantly avoiding meat is that to control my nerves and to stay healthy. My father was a meat-lover. He loves mutton, beef and fish. He also took shrimps, cockles and other seashells which is a great no for me! He was a fierce man before and now he is bed-ridden. He practiced a dark lifestyle after the active ones and he had no one to guide him. Of course I regret for not helping him but what can I do as a hapless son myself? 

Imam al-Shafi'ie rahimahullah mentions in his message to people that one could avoid the meat if he cannot leaves behind his desire or temper. I leave meat to make sure that I am in a tranquil position while I am in distress. Other than that, it is an orthodox and ancient Indian science based from empirical view or philosophy about quality of matters in nature such as pure, active and dark. It is applicable to Muslim way of life. For example, beef is considered as dark quality matter. It is dark because it will turn out to be carcass in one's intestine before being processed. The smell and the taste of carcass is evil than the smell of plants. Other than that, I know that some cattle or buffalo from India are beaten before being slaughtered. An obedient Muslim will check everything thoroughly though it appears that he is not religious in front of the public. It is illegal to eat the animal legalized in the Quran which is tortured before being slaughtered! Even the milk of those animals are illegal to be taken once they are tortured or the right of the calf to get the mother's milk is denied. The same thing applies to chicken and other poultry. This is what I understood as the Path of Islam. The science which I use to identify matters of course is not Islamic. It is philosophical. But I am not a total blind and I studied Sharia myself at the school.  

Being vegetarian is about choice. One could choose to be a vegetarian or not. Or it depends on the situation and we would see the goal of the way of life. This is what I understood from the deen. Perhaps one would say that why do you avoid meat when plants also have the soul? Well, I would say it is my choice and it is for health concern. I am not doing that only for the soul of cattle, duck, chicken or buffalo. I can also take lentils or collecting leaves which falls down from trees without being plucked if people say that cutting the plant is also cruel. It is not about being cruel or not. It is about being pure from the doubtful meat. It is about keeping physical and spiritual health.  

Other than that, I found people who take meat regularly such as those Arabs from Middle East or Indians as easily getting angry or provoked. No offense though. I also see this at home.  

Sealed with prayers for mercy, peace and love, amin!

Audio: Adhan

Assalaamu'alaikum wa rahmatullah

I am not really good in adhan but I would love to hail it once in the mosque or musalla. I wish I could do it even if it is once. The Muadhin is among the people who are protected by the God with His mercy. I wish to be one among those people....

The Lord is testing me and I am aware. I must be aware all the time that He never leaves His friends. I have no human friends and alone traveling in this Earth. So, I only have the God the Highest as my friend. Think of how father Abraham a.s who was alone when he was chased out from his hometown in the City of Ur, South of Iraq. Maybe the God willed for me to finish my Quran memorization so this is the arrangement. I should take this golden opportunity despite of being tainted with bad words from people around. Just recite praises be upon the God the Lord of the universe. May I achieve the taqwa and the pleasure of the God which no one could ever imagine that a loser in this worldly plane could achieve. Indeed patience is beautiful :)

Sealed with prayers for mercy, peace and love, amin!