Determined

Assalaamu'alaikum wa rahmatullah

I was actually thinking of starting again. But I would only apply for a temporary job as a steward or perhaps as cleaner in a hotel in Putrajaya. So I do not have to go out from this area for a moment and could also check on my father. Ok, I am telling my exact location. I live in Putrajaya Federal state and my parents bought a house here because of few reasons. First, my mother was tired of moving in and out. Second, my sisters do not want to return to our state in Kedah. They work here. I agreed to follow my father returning home last time but we have to be in accordance with the majority. So, here we are. 

In the same time where my maternal grandfather passed away at our house around 2007, my father was attacked with hypertension and there is a blood clot in his head. We did not notice it until May 2012 where he was hospitalized after a low-risk falling at our cousin's house in Selayang. He worked with the former Minister of Natural Resources, Dato' Azmi Khalid as his press secretary. My father had served two federal ministers and Kedah state chief minister as their press secretary. The period he served those politicians was around 1998 up to 2007. The other two ministers and politicians were Dato' Osman Aroff and Dato' Abdul Hamid Zainal 'Abiddin. The previous was the Chief Minister of Kedah state and the latter was Religious Affair Minister in the Prime Minister's Department office. To tell brothers and sisters the truth. We did not live luxurious life nor taking advantage from the position that we have like other people. Our life were miserable ones and we have to survive just like other migrants but only with the status son of the soil as our ancestors were interwoven into Malayan state system since before British arrival. I never tell anyone about my father job except that I told them my father was a reporter. That was his previous job. Some editors in the Berita Harian of the News Straits Times Press (NSTP) are his colleagues and he was their senior. I did not really like my father job as a press secretary for politicians. The job is stressful and I could see that from his face. I understood that he only went there for career advancement but no one told him about how to let go if we are going to sink down the stream.     

The secretary of ministers are of contract basis. They are not permanent government staffs. They can apply for government quarters but they have no government pension nor other benefits like covered hospital admission and stuffs. My father bought the house in the state after the agreement with my mother and they sold a property in Hulu Langat in Selangor state. My secondary schooling time partly was in Selangor state. I was always alone never close to my sisters. I did not make any long term friendship with people around because I am afraid that I would have to shift place again. The only long term friend which still survive in my contact are Amir and Azren which were my colleagues in the Universiti Sains Malaysia. The other is Aliff from the school of humanity majoring in Geography studies. I visited him after his father passed away and handing my personal donations just to ease his family sadness. I wanted to visit him frequently but right now I have to survive too. Once I could grip my survival, then I would perhaps pay him and his mother a visit. But they are just my contacts. Never my close friends. That is why I keep repeating my closest friend is the God the Highest and noble prophets of the God. They are my friends and I talk with them through prayers and salawat and salaam.

Urmm, these three weeks I am in abstinence and penitence period. I fast for Monday and Thursday again. I ignored doctor's advice on me about nutritional balance. I eat only twice a day just to survive. One is during the predawn breakfast and one is during the iftaar breaking of the fast during the dusk hour. I am performing these simply for the God the Highest. It is counted as a sacrifice on my behalf and I wish the meritorious deeds being imparted to my ancestors too. It also includes my parents. 

I refuse to speak with people around but only using signals just like prophet Zachariah a.s and the blessed lady Maryam the mother of Jesus the Christ (Surah Maryam v. 10 & 29). I just keep my silence when some brothers in musalla or masjid talked to me but giving the signals by closing my eyes that I wanted to stay in litanies after answering their greeting which is the salaam. I do not care if they wanted to say to me things like, "budak ini tak reti berdunia kah?", "banyak sombong ini orang!" or saying, "hablumminannaas hablumminallah...". I do not care... I am still in communion with communal services but I am just secluding myself from the crowd. I feel exhausted and I do not know what can I say in the conversation anymore. As I said earlier. This period seems like resembling the period of  prophet Jesus a.s where the generation with venomous tongue is rampant. People seems like religious talking religion here and there or justifying their vices or ego through religious sounding statements but in the same time they are also hypocrites having no fear to the God when uttering slanders or hurting the "heart" of other souls created by the God the Highest. I even doubt myself and I am afraid of myself too.

I am thinking of saving some money to get myself a motorbike driving license. I have car driving license but I have had no time to finish the motorcycle's. Once I have got the license perhaps I would get a motorbike to find other secured jobs. This happens because my mother was so afraid that I would join those rempit racers and afraid that I would end up die on the road. Anyway, the God the Highest can take our soul anywhere and at anytime. I think they were too paranoid. It is now making my life difficult too. I would never borrow anyone possession and it also includes motorbikes or car. Who is going to be responsible if I scratch their car or involved in road accidents with their possession??  

In the meantime, I would have to plan everything such as my worship time and Quran memorization. It is more to make them into a habit but I also have to catch up with the syllabus while not studying like normal students in Mecca or Medina. They would use their certificate to be religious officers such as tithe collectors, paid preachers, imams, teachers, and others. But I simply study these because of my responsibility to know Him. I am not sure whether I am eligible for the tithe or zakaat because al-Umm in the Kitab al-Zakah mentions that the Hashemites can get help through khums which is the 2.5 tax taken from the other Hashemites. But the problem is most of my father closest relatives are also poor. So, I end up studying them on my own without any institutional help. Only based from my previous existing knowledge from teachers and memorizing them including checking everything in detail by asking here and there. And then implementing them as a habit.

I also fast yesterday in the 9th day of Dhulhijja 1434. For brothers and sisters who fast yesterday. Congratulations...! May you receive His pleasure and boundless love. Those in the holy land are not encouraged to fast because they should have more energy to perform other acts of worship. I avoid from beef and now it is also extended to chicken. I do not know... They smell weird or maybe it is just my own poseur sense, hahaha. I just eat plain rice with salt or soy sauce in a minimized amount. It is safer and I am also avoiding from taking others rights at home. I am not working right now. It would be disrespectful to eat stuffs from women's salary. It would make me a coward and against our dignity. Dignity is above money and cannot be sold with gold. I would rather die and being killed than losing my dignity. It is about faith and valor.

Through His will I would be a cleaner or a steward washing dishes in the hotel. As long as it is legal and as long as I am not stealing whatever is not given to me. It is a quest for His pleasure. While having no possession to sacrifice, I can only offer my body as the sacrifice to the Highest. And wishing that sincerity for His pleasure and love ingrained in the heart, reaches Him.

Sealed with prayers for mercy, peace and love, amin!