Daily Life Experience
In this period of distress, because my father is bedridden since May 2012 and brothers and sisters could imagine how long he is in that condition. I stopped for few moments joining communal worship. The paralysis happened to my father is framed in the phrase, "one's body is the tomb of his soul". The other world is of course another story. How patient he is in that condition. I prayed that may the God the Highest forgives him whatever his errors and I forgive him too on whatever that he erred to me.
When I ponder, he actually has done countless good things over me and to others. He encouraged me to study to the highest level that I can and he supported me. I just regret that I did not get to be his company when he was alone. I was also in trouble at the time trying to finish up the thesis. On the other hand, I had to become a counsel for sisters when they were in trouble, listening to mother crying over sisters and being the only boy in a home with all sister siblings could be stressful. I did not have any friend at home nor can I talk about boy's matter with them. Woman and man are different.
Sometimes, I tried to meditate and closing my eyes but there are also times that I could not control my emotion. I simply burst out and it taints the environment around. I feel guilty and avoiding from looking at people's face after that. But most of all, I am thankful to the God the Highest. He kept me away from evil companies that will mislead me to destruction. He leads me to Him and I only know to find Him in the holy sanctuary, the mosque. I do not care if people call me crazy when I am in deep thought thinking about Him. Let them think whatever they wanted too. Sometimes, I would just chant holy verses and checking my pronunciation out loud at a comfortable place where no one performs prayer service.
Last night I was keeping my father a company, and I simply sit at the sofa to signify to my mother that she should have some rest in her private room. She is a woman. It is ok I will take care of my father. I do not really sleep at night and reading some books and treatises. Early in the morning at 4:00 I perform the shower and praying for blessings and forgiveness under the pouring water. I cannot think myself as a good person though I go for prayer services. I still feel myself as an evil sinner. I feel guilty for not joining the daily communal worship simply because I do not want to see people's face. That is hypocrisy can I say. It is an ugly attitude. So, I just went to pray in communal worship. I am just writing this here to remind myself.
After the 'Asr prayer service, I just sat in meditation at the pillar of the musalla. At that time, few people gathered there to listen to the Fadhilat al-'Amal recited by the guy who is a member of the Tabligh movement. I would actually try to avoid them. First of all, I do not like to talk with people broadly nor being interviewed. Most of all, the sunnah which I perform is not to be seen but only for the God. The obligatory one is of course free to be seen because it is not optional and offered in communal services. The other is, I will leave people when they start to speak in the "show off" tone or leaving behind the God the Highest and neglecting other souls (ego). Does not matter if it is coated with religious notions or in other means. I do not care if people call me an insolent. They are free to do so as that is their mouth.
Never be Deceived
But, this evening I feel tired of running here and there simply to find a comfortable place to chant the litanies. So, I just remain there chanting litanies, closing my eyes while listening to them. I read those books such as Fadhilat al-'Amal when I am alone in the musalla and I made notes for them. I do not have any problem with their materials at all. I simply read anything that I think useful for "self" development. I listened about the "good words" and about not to be envious to the thing which is perceived as good received by the disbelievers. It says, "You have no knowledge about what will happen to the soul once it is pulled out from the body".
This reminds me to a quote from Surat Ta-Ha v. 16 which means, "Thus, never let one avert you from "it" who does not believe in it and follows his desire, for you then would perish". It in the verse is a pragmatic for the God which is our creed and refers to the prayer services and performing the connection with Him in order to remember Him. This is my own understanding based from the very surah itself as the references to "it" come from the previous verses.
In this post, I would like to remind myself that a person who knows his own religion could also be deviated because of the darkness and poisons around. A Jew who would understood the principles of Torah, a Christian who would understood the wisdom of Jesus Christ and a Muslim who could differentiate the position of hadiths and knows the Quran could still be deviated from the Truth. It happens because he does not know how to control his desire and lust. The scripture knowledge that he has at a time would be useless at all for him.
The God says in al-A'araf v. 175 which means, "And read for them the news about those who were brought to them our evidences, but they detached themselves from them; Thus Satan pursued him and he became among the deviators".
Because of the lust and desires, the verses that he knows does not bringing any light to his soul, but making it darker. In the end, he becomes the follower of Satan until the verses he memorized were wrongly used. He becomes lost and lost. Just like in an example of a man who lives in the Holy Mecca for such a long time and people around look at him as a learned scholar, but because he is deviated by the Satan he becomes a drunk and leaves behind his prayer services. Thus, a person asked him, "Why are you drunk?" He answers, "There is no such evidence in the Quran or the Hadith which says that a drunk would be cast off into the hell". And regarding prayer, he says, "The Surah al-Ma'un mentions that the Wayl is for those who pray." Because he is deceived by his lust and desires so he is still twisting the fact by using the verses he memorized to defend the wrong way. He memorized the Quran and the Hadiths, but those holy verses and traditions were long detached from his soul. He is naked.
And we pray with Surah ali-'Imran v. 8, "Our Lord, let not our hearts deviate, now after You have guided us but grant us mercy from Your own presence; for You are the Grantor of bounties without measure"...
Sealed with prayers for mercy, peace and love, amin!