Tersempak Mahasiswa Islam

Assalaamu'alaikum wa rahmatullah

I had avoided musalla near my house because I do not like the way people stared at me. I am quite particular with the way people are talking and looking at us. I know I might be a little bit "different" but I never look at people like I am going to eat others although they are different or a majority amongst us. So, today I felt wrong that I had left the house of worship for long. I went the al-Najah mosque just up the hill to seek forgiveness. The mosque up the hill is a little bit open, nobody from my neighborhood went there often except for Friday weekly service and the imams there are young people. I mean the imams are of the age closer to mine. I can't stand too traditional oldies which also includes younger people who resemble them or curious people.    

While in the prayer hall, I actually had noticed a guy which looks familiar to me. But I do not quickly greet him as I thought that maybe my eyes are playing the illusion tricks. But, to my surprise the guy suddenly call me when I walked passing his car just after the Maghrib prayer service. Man, I think I know that guy now since I could see his face clearly!!! He was one of the 2008 graduated twin brothers from the block next to us during my undergraduate time. We had seen each other when we stayed in the hostel but never talked nor spending time introducing ourselves to each other. Since I talked in Southern Malay dialect so perhaps he thought that I am a KLites while the reality is far from that as I can speak in his Kelantanese-Patanese dialect, lol. His Southern Malay sounds extremely weird, haha. We just exchange our name, his name is Hamidi. He offered to send me home but I refused as I don't want him to know that I am a jobless guy because I would have to invite him for some tea. I bear enough humiliation for being a useless guy in this world. I walk to the mosque or anywhere because I enjoy doing so. I consider it as a sacrifice for Him. 

Then he asked me, are a PMI (Muslim Student Association) member? Because he was a member of that movement perhaps that he asked me or perhaps because he saw me in a mosque? I was a bit blue when he asked me the question as I am thinking on what is the answer. Then, I just told him, "No, I'm not a member nor affiliated to it". Then to confirm that he was apart of the movement, I asked him about these three figures that I know like Asrul Anwar of Perak, Zaidi which was my second year roommate and Saiful Isma'el where both of them are from Kelantan. He knows them... So I concluded that he is a member... I know most teacher candidates in my previous hostel were of Mahasiswa Islam groups.

I just feel weird, why people need to classify people as a Mahasiswa Muslim (sub-group of Ikhwan al-Muslim among university students) or a Tabligh when they see us spending time in mosque? Who told them that these groups representing Muslims as a whole or a representative for Muslims? I am familiar with both Ikhwan al-Muslim and Tabligh styles when they're operating but I detest the classification which would lead to confusion. I never mingle with those Mahasiswa Islam students before as some of them had looked down upon "godless" people which goes against the principle of "heart" and teachings of teachers for e.g Imam al-Ghazali rahimahullah. I was among the "godless" people in their view because I was not signed in within their groups but later they find out my face in the mosque. I was there not for stinky politics, I was there because I am seeing the God. I didn't take his contact number. I don't want to see people who were involved with my life in the varsity nor do I want them to know about my devotion activities. Hope that is the last time I ever see anyone that I know from my past....     

I have an interview tomorrow, anyway just a walk-in-interview for an ordinary job. I just convinced my little sister to stop from being a house selling agent and joining me in the interview. It is not suitable for her and she would have no experience of job. We have to work with some companies to get some experience. I can't join any Quranic Tahfeez Center too as my certifications are half baked. So, I would have to find some money, pay the government loan when I studied and save some of them. I just want you in the National Loan Board to know that I never forget to pay you back. I just do not have money, but as soon as I have got some money. I would pay you and never borrow anything from you.

I wish to migrate to other place where nobody knows me if He permits me to do so... Then I just wanted to ask forgiveness to the God because I was a wretched servant who commits a lot of sin wishing Him to be Merciful to me... Please give me permission to achieve success in the Hereafter.... 

Sealed with prayers for mercy, peace and love, amin!