I listened to lectures and now I realized I did something wrong during pilgrimage. Now I feel my heart is beating so hard because I am so afraid. It is not easy to return to the holy land since they have quotas, restrictions, and pilgrimage season usually is in November or December according to lunar calculation. We can't blame the Saudi kingdom for this though I don't really like monarchs. I called mum and she also said the same. We had few discussions which sounds like a quarrel and I can't eat anything while the phone is at my hand.
Before that, let me explain that we have three kinds of pilgrimage that we call as hajj:
Urmmm, I don't know what to say. I almost raised my voice to mum in the phone because I regret that she followed my intention of performing the Ifrad Hajj while we were in the early group who departed for holy land. I didn't mention my intention but I don't know how she managed to know my intention and clinging to the same intention with me.
When we were in ihram, though I wasn't so literate about hajj or pilgrimage, we should know that we were forbidden to do anything which our Tamattu' counterparts were doing. It also includes that we should not perform the umra together with them but I recounted that mum had urged me to also following her and her roommates in the muassasah to perform umra in which I had earlier refused to follow.
My intention to perform hajj Ifrad was actually because it suddenly came into my head and it slowly comes out of my mouth while we were on the miqat air space. I feel that I did lots of sins to the Lord because I mistook people who did wrong to me as something which should not happen and I felt that I should repent and punish myself with penance in order to receive salvation.
Because we followed the tamattu' pilgrims, we also had performed the tahallul which means the act of cutting the hair to be free from prohibitions of the white garment. It is actually wrong because we were the pilgrims with Ifrad intention and we should wait only after the acts of hajj are completed. We should first finish the hajj acts first and then only thinking of performing umra. I had told this to mum but she didn't listen. I told her not to buy anything from outside because we need to avoid from quarreling, we need to avoid talking in a crowd because it would cause us violating the rules, and do not buy anything in the holy land!
Prohibitions in white garment is actually very strict especially to the men and it applies to those who perform the pilgrim with the Ifrad intention whether in the holy land or outside of the holy land. It is almost the same with hermitage rules and regulations where we can't step on insects, not to harm animals, no mating, must be extra patient even with people who kicked us our ass, if people kill us with their weapon we must restrain from violating them, we can't wear luxurious stuffs and etc. Ya Allah! Now I feel more sinful and I don't know what to do. I can't think of anything right now but I just wanted to return to the holy land and correct everything even if I have to pay the blood (fine to the needy)!!!! I don't know when the chance would come again with uncertain time like this and if I am occupied in the future I would be dooomed!!
Brothers and sisters who are going to perform pilgrim please make sure you learn about these and be very certain with your intention. Don't imitate people and don't simply believe what people around say because we need a qualified teachers for this. It is a holy place but it is also the place of test, all sort of test will reach us. Ya Alllaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sealed with prayers of mercy, peace, and love, amin!