Tuesday, 8 November 2011

Master Thesis: First Chapter Sent

Assalaamu'alaikum wa rahmatullah

Quite relieved after I had sent the file which consists my first chapter of the research. About what will happen in the next, I don't care. I just care that a burden had been lifted. First of all, I thank You, my Lord. Although, I am an evil unworthy creature but You still are Merciful and helping me while I am alone without anyone to help me with advise. 

It feels different when we are doing our further degree because we tend to be more different from others. We have to do everything on our own and once a while consulting supervisors. Luckily Azren had helped me a lot with contacts in Women Development Research Center where my supervisor is also a vice director in the center. I must thank Azren and wishing him luck too. I can't mingle around with degree students anymore perhaps because of the level of thought had shifted to be different. I think it's not because I am unfriendly as I can be very very friendly. 

My third sister called me yesterday telling me that she's interested to further into a master degree. Guess what? I'll be the victim again to supervise her beside her lecturers and supervisor. Hurmm, let's see if I wanted to burden my head with unnecessary things again. 

Here are some documents that I have in order to finish my first chapter. I still need to do some data analyzing and dividing the research into chapters and by plan it should be finished around March 2011. I had been talking to my colleague which is miss Wenpei in the class where both of us stuck in, we are so unfortunate and having to pay the sentence. Each time we received email, calls, or messages related to the studies and research center, we would feel nauseated and feeling like being punched at the stomach.

Urmm, these are documents that I used while browsing here and there, typing up and down contents of the research for the first chapter...

These are 'some' proposals which had been rejected. I had worked hard for each proposal and consulting many lecturers even those from outside of my course, no kidding. Each time being rejected, I felt my heart broken and wanted to burst out of tear because I thought that I had done thing recklessly. It also affects worship to Him. I feel sad more. Of course I never show my sadness to people and I always trying to hide my sadness. Sometimes it might also appear at my face and I would try to avoid people I know to make sure they won't be affected.

The first book given to us by a Singaporean representative of the European Union, I can't remember his last name. He's a Singaporean Chinese who had been awarded with European citizenship. He said he's a Belgique, lol. I am not crazed to be an European at all and that makes me laugh in my heart when a fellow Asian calling themselves according to European nation-state identification. I wanted to be a Bhutanese or a Himalayan. Wish everyone happy with whatever they like, haha.

These are borrowed from library. One is about racism studies and one is about multiculturalism in few countries for example Australia, Britain, and Malaysia.

I hate looking at books piled together, it makes me dole on which one should I read first : (

Recording the document. We must be neat with whatever sources that we have. Muslims should also study about Western thought and we should not just talk about the danger of this matter or that matter without checking them through academic light isn't it? We need to move with our journals and "studies" about how stinky is Western civilization too, just like they demonize everyone in this world, let see how they feel when people look down on them with false accusations and generalizations, hahaha... Jahat...

The problem with academic journals written by western scholars is that, they use boastful words and concepts yang entah apa-apa so we need dictionaries and thesaurus. Thesaurus is also useful for everyone to substitute words which had been repeatedly used by other writers so our works will be looking like a new one although most of them are just quotes in the literature review. This is how social studies students write thesis. Sometimes we have problem with Malay so we use Chinese dictionary too. We have to translate some portion into the language. I don't know how Science stream students study, I think they are more clever, intelligent and smarter than us. 

My cousin brother is getting married today where he is doing the 'aqad an-nikah (contract for marriage) in Jitra. I don't want to be there and it's not because I am envious of him getting married at the same age as me. I hate questions from "relatives" about when would I be a married man. I have many things to do rather than entertaining those questions of makcik makcik or pakcik pakcik. I don't even think of marriage nor having a family and I don't have any girlfriend because my job is to serve Him not to play around. When my job is finished I have no significance on the earth, then I should see Him. I also think about Resurrection and now I am living in the period near doomsday. So, I don't care about having children to inherit me or not. My vow is to follow the commandment of the God, and making everyone who made soul vow with Him around me doing the same. I am not living to fulfill any desire or to have pleasure. I am just living because I obey Him. If not because of His order, I won't be a living creature. I wanted to be just wind or soil or anything which people don't have to see me. If people wanted to get married, go on. I support everyone. Just don't bother me. I am not doing anything because I follow anyone, traditions or anything blindly. I am not that kind of person. Even last time when people forced me to study Islamic studies, I myself pulled myself out by diverting to Buddhism and its practice.

Arghh, I feel like I wanted to fly down from the mountain or retreat into the forest. My soul is like being held at my chest while it doesn't want to be strangled there. I just want to see the God : ( Sometimes, I am also listening to Kunga Puntchok while i feel tensed. He's a Tibetan singer who sings about motherland but I don't speak nor understand Tibetan, hahaha. People in exile are always like that. I also think he has a nice hairstyle and last time I tried to do my hair just like his hair but my hair is not of Oriental style, its more to Indian curly style : ( 

Tomorrow, I have to check the tooth at the clinic at 9:00 a.m sharp! On 14th of November, we have mid-semester examination for that stuck paper.

Sealed with prayers for mercy, peace, and love, amin!

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