Assalamu'alaikum wa Rahmatullah!
Tomorrow evening I would follow these group of Tabligh-e-Jama'at kids for their khuruj. I would call it as ziarah for silaturrahim because I join them to understand what had been done by the late Maulana Ilyas (may Allah bless his soul) in Indian Continent during his lifetime. So that in the future, we could avoid thinking evil of others or misunderstood them. I also hope that this does not make them feel proud as their victory to "include" a weird person or a "Malay" who looks different from them into their group. I am doing this because of Allah 'Azza wa Jalla. I am not doing anything because being influenced, because I am afraid of being a syirk (polytheist) in my heart. Hidden polytheism is no different to what we can seen with our eyes. May Allah protects us our heart!
It is also a process for me to humble down myself in front of Allah 'Azza wa Jalla and getting ready before I properly study the branches of knowledge to know Allah in Saudi Arabia or Yemen. I really hope to study the Quran, Sunnah, and Syari'ah back and hope that Allah removes all of the obstacles after I finish this master. Maybe I would work for a while to get the tools for me to know Him, but I would still keep this dream in my heart and mind I would like to return to my responsibility ya Allah, please have Mercy on me.
Masjid Benggali, Tabligh-e-Jama'at Markaz in Penang Island
I had agreed to follow them only for 20 days because I have to visit another individual brother in Kelantan. He really hope me to visit him. So, why not? I could learn more about natives of Kelantan after getting contacts with people living there because I have no relatives in East Coast. Last time I lived with Duwe (Ridhuan), Zaidi and Mijie as my roomates during my three years of first degree and all of them are Kelantanese. I never bothered to be friendly to them. Except for Zaidi, I tried to be friendly because I respect him so much. Zaidi is also a quite guy. While Mijie is quite lively and he is from Kuala Qirai. His dialect seems a little bit conservative to my ears compared to other Kelantanese guy at my hostel during that time. For Due, I haven't talk much with him because I was still suspicious to Kelantanese at that time. Heard too much paranoid talking about these people in West Coast. And it turns out differently. So now I avoid listening to hearsays rather than looking for the root courses.
I actually would rather go straight home because I know my mother would never let me go anywhere without her. I do not want to disobey her. But when she did like that to me, I became a passive guy until now. Then, my family themselves would laugh to me and ask me why you have difficulties in finding friends or mingle with others?
At home, I only have sisters and I am a male. I can not talk about my problems with female because they function differently, and my father was busy. Now my father was stricken by stroke. I could only talk sweet things to him and try not to hurt him. Sometimes it made me headache because I try to satisfy everyone. At home I usually locked up myself in my room, maybe surfing the net to entertain my heart, reading stuffs, and zikr (meditating) to calm down my self.
I know mother cares about me, she loves me and she does not believe that I could take care of myself. But my parents would not be with me forever. I also would not be with them forever. Only Allah will prevail. I always hope everyone have this thinking that Allah would back us up.
The jama'at brothers said, I would need about rm400 for food and everything to go out for about 40 days. Since I would just be with them until day 20th beginning tomorrow. So, I do not think that I need so much money. I could not use my parents money by exceeding the limitation. My previous job salary is already gone since I tried to avoid using my parents money for food and daily expenditures. I tried to save some money and use them little by little. I feel sinful to parents for not having proper job and helping them.
I would just survive with pieces of bread and maybe once meal per day I make my visit together with the Jama'at-e-Tabligh people beginning tomorrow. I actually can travel alone and I did that several times without even my parents know or without joining any jama'at or movement. I went into other places of worship and also visiting mosques around the places that I could reach. Sometimes I visit my unfortunate friends whenever I heard something happens to them.
In June 8th, I would have to see Dr. Noraida for consultation. My proposal which was re-presented last Tuesday did not really going on well, but I had already tried my best. The problem happened because of so many contradictions within our research methodology course lecturers. The panel of lecturers maybe passing me and my other classmate which is Wenpei because they are tired of that. I am tired of it too, so do my friend Wenpei. I would be supervised by Dr. Noraida while they are still not clear about Wenpei's supervisor. Poor Wenpei. I hope she could get her supervisor as quick as possible so that she could begin with her research writing. I must have a good plan with so many things to do in one time.
I also have to convince my parent not to be afraid when I follow the Jama'at group, I have my own principles and stand too. I would never being easily influenced in a short time. Last time I was raised in a Muslim family but I turned out to believe in Buddha and Buddhist community in my heart. Only Allah guides me although it might be seen in front of our human eyes that I learned these from readings, listening religious lectures, and others. Everything is with Allah, not in our hand. I will also make prayers for everyone and safety in the journey.
Just talked to mother by the phone around 23:00. Sometimes it could be a politic chat and we just argued about political parties. I do not agree with political ideologies although I learn about it now. Sometimes when elders talk, they talk like political parties are everything and providing everything so we must appreciate what these parties had done as a father had done everything to his children. We owe them, and we must enslave ourselves to them, in this sense and this modern period we must be a life member of the party besides voting the candidates in the party. I could smell feudalism in this kind of speech. They had forgotten to include Allah as the Generator of everything and when the efforts being done, then it stops to the person who did the efforts. Where is Allah?
But I felt guilty now for harming my mother's feeling. I must call her back and apologize to her tomorrow morning just after she wake up for Fajr prayer. She could not understand this because she is from old generation. It is not her fault anyway. I maybe should find a teacher or ustad whom my mother familiar with to talk about these sensitive issues with my parents rather than I talk with them because I am younger and younger people must respect elders. Sometimes we tend to forget, that is why we are called as human.
Oh, yeah. Three jama'at member which are known as Badrul, Fitri, and Kamrul had came to my room. Kamrul is from Bangladesh. They informed me what should I prepare. I must remember to bring notebook with me. Tomorrow they have the lecture about the manner of traveling. I might need to jot down for my personal experience notes and references. And then they said I need to submit money for bus ticket. They would help me buy the ticket because they would book a bus. But I do not really agree to start the journey at night. My mother would be worried if she knows this although I had traveled at night last time. Maybe we listened to so many news about bus and road accidents.
I would recite ma'thurat prayers too and salawat to prophet (s.a.w) the journey be a safe journey. We would stop by at Puduraya I guess because they had shift the place for buses to stop from Bukit Jalil.
I guess maybe I would decide to bring maybe three pieces of clothes and , hygienic stuffs like soap, ointments just in case, towel, palaikat sarong for change, prayer beads to count memorization, Quran and a prayer book. I need to do laundry and tidy up my room first this morning. Just bring important stuffs. I need to be there in Penang Masjid Benggali center before Maghrib. They would salaat Isyaa' and taking the bus to Kuala Lumpur.
I thought that I want to go home first and send everything that I need for my research home like my laptop, and notes. Then only I would go to their center in Sri Petaling. A guy said it is better to go for KL together so that we can have some chats and knowing each other more. Well, as they wish. I will make a check list this morning, insya-Allah. I do not know whether I am going to throw out when eating the tray rice with them, ya Allah please give me strentgh as I am not familiar with it!
I must inform them that I also could not take people sidqah (donations) so I think I would better off avoid the food. It is for silaturrahim (good relationship among brethren) anyway. What else? Oh yeah, salaat before making journey for Allah's protection and Divine Mercy. May Allah protect me and everyone wherever we are, please pray so that Allah protect the journey of this servant who tries to learn about others and learning about Allah.
O Allah, our Lord, forgive me my mistakes, my ignorance, and my excesses in all of my affairs and what You are aware of more than i am. Forgive me my sins, my unintentional ones and my jokes and i have all of that. O Allah! Forgive me my past and future sins. What i have concealed and what I have made open. You are the One who puts forward, and You are the One who delays. There is no worship except You, laa ilaaha il-lAllah!!!