Wednesday, 10 November 2010

Master's level exam experience and bad thoughts


Ya Allah! I have a very hard time yesterday answering the exam question. I think it is my own fault cause I have lack of focus during my revision times. Last few weeks I have a problem when the office had put a new roomate into my room. But I could sense that the roomate has a bad intention when he saw me. I am very afraid that I could be slandering people with my thought but it turns out that the old guy might have something wrong with his mind. 

He just came by into my room and becoming extra-friendly. It is still ok with me if he just talks. But later he came to my bed and pretending like talking to me as a father to a son. Later massaging me when he said I had red rashes at my neck. I did not ask anyone to massage me and mind, my father never did that to me. Later he talked something in his language which is Indonesian language where I could not really understand. He talked something like the "things" under my pants is something and something. Why do a newly meet friends need to talk about those private things? It is not only that, he moved my stuffs on the table and asking me to onn my computer. As a matter to be polite to elders I just onn it, but I did not realized that he was stalking my password. For the next morning I had forgotten to keep my computer into the closet as I have a morning class. He used my stuffs without consent and starting checking my details in the computer. What kind of person is this? 

As to avoid myself from being a victim of sin. I have to run to musalla (surau) at the level beneath first level of our floors. I slept there and trying to gain back my focus by reading some notes before the revision week. I've been several nights there. Now do I understand how the Tabligh guys feel when they sleep in the musalla. It is peaceful there. I don't think that I need to sleep in a room anymore after that. Room is just a place to keep stuffs and to change clothes before prayers. 

I went to the hostel's office and trying to complaint about the new roommate. But they asked me to tell them in detail. How could I tell them about that old guy touching me? I could only tell them he used my laptop without consent. I'm still bound to the rule not to tell people about the things that could bring our dignity down by telling others' evil deeds.

I went back home just few days before revision week begin and there I tried to cherish my mother by following her to religious classes at mosques. Besides I learned many new things which are not really new. I just found them new after my repentance. I did not bring my stuffs for exam back because I do not want to see that insolent old guy in my room when I take my stuffs which was locked in the closet after I made complaint. 

And when I came back, it is a disaster for me when I answered my Policy Making and Politics in the EU paper yesterday. I feel so guilty toward my parents not to forget my lecturer. Parents gave me money to further my study after a period where I am jobless and just staying in my room. After the exam, bad thoughts do came to me like trying to commit suicide because I feel so ashamed to everyone including to Allah but I quickly realized that it is a grave sin by trying to take our own life without Allah's permission. If I killed myself I still have to answer Allah and how could I turn up myself in front of Him? O Allah, please forgive me my sin from my bad thoughts! I am a useless slave of You.   

Anyway what had happened had just happened. Maybe this is a kaffarah (payments) to all of my sins or simply another test for me because Allah might want to see my faith. I still believe Allah will save me no matter what happens. So I will try to hold on here. It is already a past. Now will determine the future. I still have other three papers. I will try to get my focus back with the help and guidance from Allah.

May Allah bless everyone and forgiving our sins, Allahumma salli 'ala Muhammad, wa 'ala aali Muhammad!


  1. I had a Master exam paper today,I felt we are in the same shoe. I couldnt bring on a smile because I was so nervous and tension. I found no way to calm myself, this is bad. I couldnt get out from this for the future exams. I guess I am losing confident in doing anything in academic.

    1. Hi Lee,

      I had gone through this experience and finished all of the classes though I did not really do well for the dissertation paper. Just after my dad fall due to his sickness in May 2012, I return home and everything turns out to be more blurry for me. But I guess that, it is not really painful once you had gone through the 'experience'. Academic does not revolve only in the varsity circle. You could be more free when you're not confined by any virtual or non-virtual borders. Wishing you well-being and success through all directions : )


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