Somehow I can't wait the Yawm al-Qiyamah (the Day of Resurrection). We don't know when but our noble prophet said that it's so close during his living time. What about now yah? I am not practising the tenets of the path fully yet I still can't wait it to come. I think maybe I don't see that this earthly life matter anymore. I just want to return to Him.
Mum had just cried at the phone last night. Urm, yeah I am facing some problems. I feel so guilty for not telling her about my third sister's wedding with brother-in-law and now she knows about that through little sister. Whether the guy is not of our family member is not the issue anymore, but when we don't get the blessings of parents then it is actually something that could be harmful to parents. Our family members are the followers of Imam Shafi'ie school of jurisprudence except me and elders are looking at their children's life partner criteria based on the sunnah tradition too. Although almost all of the native here were Islamisized through our people's missions but not all are practising Muslims. We have to be careful and discreet in our mixing with people not to be arrogant but to save our faith in Allah through prophethood messages. Our life had already being ruined by environment around and life pressures so we try to minimize the destruction by trying to be in accordance to elders' traditions but young people could not understand it. I actually don't understand how people think. I mean things like marriage is not the matter to play or we just use the sunnah teachings to make what is wrong becomes right.
I think when people say that they are believers, but actually they are non-believers and this really makes me feel worried especially when it comes to myself. Because the tenets of the faith is not well-rooted or bringing impacts in our heart. They are just "hearsays" and we can't see them with our physical eyes. For example paradise and hell. We just listen about them but we didn't reach the state of paradise and hell yet. We listened about Yawm al-Qiyamah about the Resurrection through prophecies of noble prophets appointed by Allah. If for the Christian friends, they were taught about the Resurrection through Marono 'Yishoa' Mshikha (our lord Jesus Christ), and it is mentioned even in their faith declaration as I always listen this in churches during special events. How does this influence our life?
I feel so sad when I listened to mum cried. Though I am not an obedient child but I never disobey her if she asked me to do things like following her to masjids after my repentance. Actually I wasn't really a rebellious child and I began to fast since I was three years old. I followed elders to majlis (religious occasions) without being accompanied by dad and in some part of my life I was deflected because of the fitnah (tests) on faith which comes through environment around. I wasn't taught by my dad when I was a child to fast or pray. I just feel I wanted to do all of those things. I recited prophets' life and I tried to live like them. I still remember some parts of stories like how prophet Muhammad s.a.w was cleansed by two angels during his stay with Halimat as-Sa'adiyya. I still remember how he feels lonely in his society where they do not live in accordance to ancestors' (prophet Abraham and Isma'el a.h.m.s) tradition but choosing idolatry and associating Allah with worldly materials. I am experiencing this lonely feeling too and I feel myself filthy day by day because of this worldly environment. I know there are people who feels like me around but we just don't see each other yet. But if we have time and chance insha Allah we will see each other.
When I think about now I am stuck in problems, I feel so weak and I only could wait to cry to Allah behind the walls when people leaving behind prayer places. I can't cry in front of others or else they will mistaken me as losing my mind. I don't know where to find counselors though we have the department for student affairs here. I know what counselors will say to me and it is of no use to talk with people. I have classmates and some not so close friends in my course but I can't talk with them due to that we are "not close". I only have Allah who is close to me. I just cry alone and telling everything to Allah, talking to His angels to please pray for my safety during Resurrection.
Just be strong, recite Quran and pray to Allah without stop. Brothers of the past really help me since their stories are recorded by His Word and I could recite them when I am alone. Anyhow, brothers and sisters may come and dump anything that worries, bringing anxieties to you, or simply making me your trash bin. I am open to this because I become a place for my sisters, my mum, and my dad to talk anything though they never really care about me, especially my sister lah because when you have other men in your life you will forget everything including your parents, your dad, your brothers who will be responsible for your sins in the hereafter in front of Allah. You treat your men like "gods" and if those "gods" really obeying the Lord then it is ok but if not then your dad and brothers will have to bear the destruction because of you.
Marriage is sunnah... Yes I will never deny this. It is a sunnah but what is your purpose and intention to marry a man or a woman? Is it because you love his or her physical, you need someone to love you or loving someone, following trends because it is the trend to get marry and not being labeled as lesbos or gays, because you can't control your lusts and etc? Check the sunnah and what obliged a person to get marry through sunnah beside simply saying you are building this masjid and that masjid because you listen to others saying like that. I had seen many people getting marry very early at the age before maturity around 18 years old for guy and 17 years old for girls and how they later divorcing because they realized that is not what they wanted to. What happened to His Wrath? People only take some part that they want and leaving behind what they don't want.
If people say to me, because you need a son or daughter to inherit you... I will just answer with two questions: "How long this world will last and how deep is your faith toward Resurrection?" lol : )
Marriage is sunnah... Yes I will never deny this. It is a sunnah but what is your purpose and intention to marry a man or a woman? Is it because you love his or her physical, you need someone to love you or loving someone, following trends because it is the trend to get marry and not being labeled as lesbos or gays, because you can't control your lusts and etc? Check the sunnah and what obliged a person to get marry through sunnah beside simply saying you are building this masjid and that masjid because you listen to others saying like that. I had seen many people getting marry very early at the age before maturity around 18 years old for guy and 17 years old for girls and how they later divorcing because they realized that is not what they wanted to. What happened to His Wrath? People only take some part that they want and leaving behind what they don't want.
If people say to me, because you need a son or daughter to inherit you... I will just answer with two questions: "How long this world will last and how deep is your faith toward Resurrection?" lol : )
Anyhow just an experience of a guy, a philosophy from a failed guy... Just treat this like a novel or a movie being formatted in writings but it is happening and not from imagination, hahaha.
Sealed with prayers for mercy, peace, and love, amin!
