Telling What I Feel to the Lord

Assalaamu'alaikum wa rahmatullah

Just suddenly feel like trying to perform 'uzlah for You dear Lord. Early this morning I just wanted to lament on myself. Lord I am filthy. I am dirty. I am poor. I have no possession. I have no car. I have no motorcycle. I have no transportation. I only have my feet for me to walk everywhere and they are all Your belongings not mine. All the praise only for You, Glorious be You dear Lord.

I was a strayed sheep. Nobody really brings me to Your path but You are the One who helped me to return to You because You understands my inner side and listening to cries in my heart. All the praise only for You, Glorious be You.

Lord, please keep me on the right track. Lord, please make the "world" stays away from my heart and my soul. Don't let my heart and soul being attached to the "world". The world is evil to me. It is not fair to me, dear Lord. Only You are fair and just to me. Please judge the "world" with reasonable redemption for making me feeling down with myself. 

Lord, if my mouth is shut for my benefit, I am pleased with it. Thank You dear Lord. Indeed You know what is the best for Your creatures and the universe. I am waiting for the Resurrection and Redemption, dear Lord. Please let me free from the evil whispers of Your creatures. Let me free from slavery of the "world". Make me only Your "slave". I don't need any other Master than You.    

Ya Allah help me to wake up. I don't have any human roommate here. I have only brothers of different creations which are Your angels and genies around me. I am aware about their presence around me. I have to be strong to wake up early this morning. Please help me Ya Allah please don't leave me alone grant me strength.

I don't care about people anymore. Say anything people wanted to say to me regarding whatever da'awah or anything. My Lord is watching me and I don't have to show off by joining any movement just to be seen like a non-strayed sheep who will never be snatched by jackals (satans). When I was alone, not even my relatives, cousins, and etc who are Muslims helping me and I became an infidel because you people made me one. If not because His Mercy perhaps I would also be an unfortunate person in the hereafter and those who claim themselves as "Muslims" would never have any responsibility to help me. Because you are selfish and have no balls but you people look like men yet talking about Yahoodi or Nasrani like you are holier than them in your creed and faith. You use the Quran and Hadith through the authority of Muhammad s.a.w but you never mirror yourself (muhasabah). Because you never ponder and analyzing on the messages but just reciting them like parrots even if you speak in Arabic. Don't you people feel ashamed to Allah??!

Stop talking about da'awa to me as if you people had done a lot for nations and for Him. If you did it only for worldly benefits with statements like Muslim dominion or etc then go away from me! I don't need to listen to you. Your Lord more over doesn't need you! The One who has full Dominion over the universe is Him not you not anybody. The period when the regent rules is just a temporary period and it is the initial to the end. The end is His Kingdom (Malakut)! You people never helping your brothers but leaving your brothers alone when your brothers need you. When you're surrounded by people you forget others. When you're alone or maybe you need help or support, you come closer to a poor brother in 'uzlah and seeking help or simply to feel that you are not alone. Your poor brother lowering his dignity and inviting you like an idiot. Don't you think your brother is also a human like you and also feels like you? May Allah bless you people! The situation which I encountered is just the same whether at home or outside. Just pray Allah forgives others may Allah also forgives my sins.

Recite salawat and respect for prophet Muhammad s.a.w, his family members, and his companions. Recite salawat for prophet Ibrahim a.s and his family. Salawat and respect for prophet's Ibrahim a.s sons, dear patriarch Isma'el a.s and patriarch Ishaq a.s. Salawat for prophet Musa a.s and prophet Isa a.s and for their family. May Allah grants peace to our patriarchs and our prophets, messengers of the God, sages and holy men.    

Sealed with prayers for mercy, peace and love, amin! 

Disconnecting

Assalaamu'alaikum wa rahmatullah!

Hiraa Cave - 'Abdul 'Azim Green Rod

I tried to be patient when people playing sentiments with me last time, especially when it is regarding religious work or what we call as da'awa either to ourselves or to others. I actually always trying to remind myself about the God and praying to Him in my heart for faith. Sometimes situation and environment around really testing my faith to Him. It happened since I was a young kid.

Although I am not a religious science scholar or not even close to them who has the right to report about themselves but this is a personal site so I am just writing what I think as a mortal human-being. Since I have no one to talk with. I better talk to diary or blog. Thanks to google blogger for the blog although I am not a creative person nor am I skilful in computer. At least I know how should I express my feeling as an... I can say an orthodox Muslim guy who is trying to repent to Him. Now, I feel deeply sympathy to the late Anne Frank. I understand how she feels while being a refugee during World War II. She must had to underwent a hard time especially after her sister and mum died until it makes her talking to her diary as the only friend that she had. Though she's not of the same religion with me but she's also a human-being. I am sorry for not being a typical racist Arab or non-Arab Muslim. I can't be like that and nobody supported me too when I am alone like this except Allah and His Words.  

Yesterday evening, I just messaged a guy representing those guys who had not telling me anything about what happened to them while last time they talked in the car after returning from the Bengal mosque bayan session about outing for India, that kerja agama stuff. I talked more to him because he came to talk with me. One of them had loudly said to others that I agreed to go for India and that made me feel tied to the determination. Determination for me means the portal to promise. Promise must be executed, though death touching us. That is my principle. That's why I tried not to engaged with debt nor trying to do anything which lead to promise. If it happened then, I must go with it no matter what happened to me. So, as to say another Tabligh kid out of that group also came and talked about this to me. And they already bought tickets including for me to Kuala Lumpur, so I without any idea on what happened had just followed the other. I posted about this before but it's not a full story as I am thinking on how not to make people assume bad things about the Tabligh-e-Jama'at. So, in my message, I said that they are competing in converting me or other people because I didn't see that those separate group guys talked to each other. One thing that we must remember, quantity is not equal to quality. Try check in surah al-Baqarah about Taalut (Saul) and David a.s during military training before the establishment of Judah kingdom in the Land of Cana'an. There is also a conversation between the Children of Israel and an unknown prophet about how to choose a leader amongst them to encounter the infidel Philistines. The prophet according to Israeliyyat is Samuel bin Alqanah bin Yaruham a.s.  

After the brief session in USM mosque last Friday before the semester break, I just saw the guy but I didn't get the chance to talk about the matter or at least getting to know what actually happened. I afraid that it would jeopardize their auspicious chance when getting job opportunity as it's not easy for graduates today to get job according to their certificate specification. The kid was the first of the group in the musalla who came to persuade me to join them or asking me to be friendly with people, so they should at least come and visit me. I didn't visit nor contact them because of the reason that I saw they looked like facing dilemma. We non-science stream and non-technical students are actually very sensitive to environment and very considerate. We consider everything but nobody channel us to right places instead making us jokers out of our unfortunate situation to entertain them.

Isn't it Tablighi way that they would visit people they wanted to preach or persuade? I still feel upset with that though it happened last semester. It's not like I can't forget that, but to do that is not as easy to say. That is also apart of polite manner and adab for Muslims. I never consider myself as having any significance in front of others so I would just keep my silence but that does not mean that I am not listening or entertaining people if they come to talk with me. I am just keeping my silence and avoiding people because I had experience like this before and it happened again.

I thought that, they are 'real' brothers in faith. I had also silently read some muallaf sisters' and brothers' blogs. I believe they must also experience the same thing. I pray may the God grants them patience though I don't comment all of their blogs to show support. I am supporting all of them and always pray for them either those who are helping others virtually or through daily activities. Till now, I still maintain contact with two ex-colleagues during my degree time. They are not religious anyway. I think only two of them still survive as contacts and friends if not close but by distance. Sometimes, I talked with one of them through messenger or messages. He never replied me. If I contact him by messages I never expect any reply but I know at least he know what happened to me and he actually reads me. I am not asking him to think about my troubles here but just someone to listen. Another one is my acquaintance in Israel and he is also a Hadrami descent. His experience is more or less the same like me before he performed migration to holy land, but he is occupied now with his religious duty and other things so we don't really talk much online. I can also tell the God or talking with His creatures around like angels while walking, but people might think that... I am crazy. Maybe I should just chant asmaa'ul husna while I don't talk with people around. It's better than looking at people face, keep thinking, later being sad.

That guy who persuaded me replied me messages, but the second message that I send telling him about what I feel is the last message. I don't reply to him anymore when he replied. I don't even read his reply message no more and just deleted it as I am so disappointed. I deleted all of Tabligh-e-Jama'at members' numbers in this hostel. I also deleted their contacts from my mail address book and messenger. Though they were nice to me and also teachers to me but I think I should only depend to the Holy God as my Wali. If He never replies to my prayers, but at least He is Holy and He is my King. I believe the God listens to me anyway. I don't have any problem with Tabligh-e-Jama'at. I know their founder syeikh so this is not trying to blacken them. This is just my personal story. And yes, I did listened many negative remarks about Tabligh-e-Jama'at members but not about the founding syeikh. 

My uncle is also a Tabligh member living in the Beseri Markaz in Perlis with his family. My eldest cousin sister which is his daughter live in the UK with her family. When they returned home during Syawwal few years ago, they do not even see our grandma graveyard. They looked at us as we were ungodly but they never stayed with our grandparents when they are sick. We looked after them, and grandparents didn't want to live with them because they are not close to them. My second sister too had encountered such experience when she went to Australia with her friend. They met this Malay Tabligh uncle, who is trying to matchmaking his friend to women introduced by our relatives who know that Tabligh uncle. That uncle talked without any manner to them like they have no basis about their own path and faith. But when looking at the uncle's daughter, she wears tube and dating her boyfriend. My sister just cynically said, why don't you match your daughter with your friend? That's her story to me, hahaha. 

Those kids just go without telling me what happened and only after that I know they had gotten job offer from an established multinational company although they talked to me last time about "duniya" this and "duniya" that. I get to know that news from other kids, but some of them seem like reluctant to tell me the truth about the kid who persuaded me too. I do not know how they understood what they listened from their bayan but I had been exposed to all of these stuffs since I was a little child without having to be persuaded into a particular jama'at. In term of worldly matters, I am not blessed like others since I was a young child. I also learned by observing around and life experience.

They have my contact number or even email if it is difficult to climb up a floor above their rooms or they are so occupied with matters around. Just write one or two words saying we are not going to the camp nor outing. That should be enough for me. That guy can call me last time when they wanted to invite me to join them, perhaps to fulfill their 'quota.' But to call telling me they are not going to the camp for few seconds is difficult. I do not think that it is wrong for them to pursue the job as they deserve that. That is His sustenance to them and they must be thankful to the God. I am happy for them, I am proud with them. But when I think back, I am just a worm which is minor in people's eyes. And that makes people simply play around with my dignity and promise. For some Arabs, though I am just a hybrid Arab, dignity and promise are very important. We may be poor, brethren, but we honor people and guests who come to us. I listened to the kid because he first came to me. I do not consider them as having low or high religious knowledge to preach to me. I just listen to the essence they are talking about without looking at who they are nor how do they look like. 

I mingled too with cleaners, Bangladeshi and Pakistani migrant workers, I eat with them. I befriend and talked to retarded students, thugs and I talked with other groups of people who are considered as sinful like gays, transgenders, and non-Muslims. I listened to Christians' sermons. Once, I was also educated by Buddhist temples and Buddhist gurus. They are all teachers to me. And I know how does it feel when we are alone and we are doing everything by ourselves without any company to even ask opinion or advise from others.

Last time I had also tested few friends and acquaintance who lived with me for two years in my previous hostels. And the result is they had forgotten people easily although we eat together, watching TV's together, and always chatting about many things. Like when I called a friend who's known as Ijo, and he just asked me again. Who's this? It means that my number is also deleted from his phone although we used to exchanged number and calling each other for lunch or dinner. The same thing also happened with Jantr of Pendang, Pidoth of Sungai Petani, and Pak Ku of Alor Setar who were my Kedahan compatriots in our previous hostel. So, I believe I must also do the same. I just disconnect the line and simply deleted those useless numbers. I also deleted few other colleagues' numbers since I don't think their number or contact could be benefited either for Him or for nation. Simpan nombor pun buat semak saja sebab tak ada kegunaan atau tak ada pertalian silaturrahim lagi.

There is of no use to keep numbers if there is no silaturrahim to be prolonged anymore. I am also thinking of changing my number and planning to work in Thailand after I graduated so I would need to polish up Thai for interview and job purpose. I do not want to join the convocation ceremony next year but only grabbing my scroll. No need for celebration I don't need it anymore. I wanted to forget everything. Furthermore, this issue of religious work is so disappointing and I feel that it had been mocked by people who call themselves as the practitioners of sunnah. Maybe sunnah for them only means brushing teeth with miswak, recording names for those who are willing to join their outing (maybe converted into a member) or wearing Bangladeshi style attire. For me, sunnah is more than that. Prophetic traditions teaches us to worship Him, morality, prayers and manners to deal with others. It won't be so much concern for me if His Name and prophetic tradition is not being brought together. But unfortunately...

As to say, people will use us when they need company, sad or when they need help. But when they are in happiness, pleasure or in luxury they tend to forget everything. Perhaps they are not always in solitary. If they always recite Muhammad s.a.w life, they would know how does it feel although they are not in the same situation faced by noble prophet Muhammad s.a.w. If I am in this kind of situation, I love to recite about his life chapter in the Hiraa' Cave.  

Now, I am just disconnecting myself from society again. It does not mean I totally isolate myself. I just don't want to talk with people anymore if there is no important thing to say. I must remind myself to quick finish my thesis or else I would just grab my Quran and reciting it without thinking about anything else. I hate this studies and institution but maybe it is my destiny that I am in this situation. May Allah forgive me my sins if my words hurt others. I am trying not to hurt others too, but human is never perfect. While we are never perfect, but try to reach perfection through prayers to Him.

I would also like to put forward my kamchiang (close) ex-colleague quote: "to forgive is to forget, leave everything that had happened behind and don't think too much don't bother with karmma though it might be differently to your concept of karmma." The last part, of this quote actually he means to me. I just can't see people in difficulties and that's why he urges me to leave everything behind. Don't bother with others.

Good friends is not easy to be seen in the society today. I do not believe people today are sincere finding friend simply because they wanted to befriend others but because they have agendas. This is a little bit of conspiracy but I think it is logical because we find friend as we need to ask people to help us if we have problem, if we want to borrow something, and others. I am not an important person anyway, haha. Last time many people who come to me are also with bad intention like that crazy old Jordanian. The Most Good Friend is actually the God. He does not choose anyone to be his friend except for those who fear Him and devote themselves for Him. Unlike human-being.    

We just take everything as test from the God, He loves us that's why He tests us. On the other hand, this world is not our eternal abode. We are like living in a hotel. Some people might have lots of money, so they live in expensive hotel. Some might live in motels or one star hotel. Others perhaps living in the box or under trees since they have no money to rent for a place... To be a faithful believer is to immerse ourselves into torments. Nobody who have faith to the God living good life. Just read Qisaasul Anbiyaa' and stories about disciples of prophets.                   

Allahumma salli 'alaa Muhammad wa 'ala aali Muhammad. Sealed with prayers for mercy, peace, and love, amin!