I love to fast during Mondays and Thursdays. Well, our friends could actually see that we develop optional worship from the basic form of obligatory ones. Lately, I have been exploring the life of prophets, prophet Muhammad s.a.w, the companions, the generation of followers, the generation after the followers, the pious predecessors and the pious generations to come. I will just return to their "life" narrations when I feel vulnerable.
I am trying to donate my clothes and materials that I do not need too. Not all of them were from my earning but I just received them as donation from my relatives and close acquaintance such as Azren. I think I am going to wash them again with my hand as to make them clean and sew the torn parts at my clothes so they would look better before I give them out. I had stopped using the washing machine since I unexpectedly quit my job after some "discussions" with my younger sisters. I just want to leave behind with me some pairs of shirts, trousers and two white garments which I used for my ihram during the pilgrimage. I think I would like to be buried with those white garments too when I leave behind everything. I am glad I had finished my master graduate but I regret that I still cannot pay the government loan and also repay my mother jewelries. She sold them all to help me with registration without telling me that she sold them in 2010. I just cried like a crazy little boy when I get to know this fact because I think I had tyrannized my mother... If I know earlier I would just quit everything and return home to work as to finish all the loan. Anyway, whatever happened is fated. We would be looking forward for our destiny. I just regret my sisters do not understand their only "stupid" brother who loves to work the hard way here, haha... Anyway I wish them all the best too. I hope they could all get married and living a nice comfortable life with their families. The old me has long died since I went to the pilgrimage in 2005-2006...
Basically what I do before I fast is just the same like my previous posts. Now, this is my life at home, hehe. I would take some chunks of bread for breakfast before the dawn prayer service time. Maybe some milk. Because we do not have fresh milk here so I just take whatever that I could see in the kitchen. Of course with limited quantity because I cannot take anything if my family members say nothing to me. I am afraid of taking whatever is not given because it will held me accountable to the punishment in hereafter. I just have a very very simple meals without any elaborate stuffs like gravy or anything. Simply bread, cookies, some fruits, plain rice with fresh vegetables or simply drinking plain water if I cannot find anything. It depends on what ever left over by people at home. I do not take any food prepared before they eat them first and leaving behind things because I wanted to know how much is my sustenance at that day in this period waiting for my father.
I would go for shower around 4:00 in the morning because nowadays the prayer services become earlier than ever. Then I would apply some olive oil if I still have them with me in the container at the Quran shelf and if I do not rush. I walk to the mosque like 10 minutes and I avoid myself from going to the closer musalla. Why am I doing so? People might be talking behind me and I know that. I do not like people to see my practices. I do not practice the same thing like mainstream people because I have a paralyzed father at home, I have many female siblings where I have to keep my manner in a very polite way, I cannot go to work or live like normal people because of my family is not stable since my father had fallen due to the strokes and I am trying to memorize the Quran "fully" before I reach 30 years old. I am now a 27 years old guy. I feel that my time is very close everyday despite that people in my age are enjoying their late 20's life. Human is mortal and we cannot live like thousands of years. The same thing also happen to the universe as it flows and cease to be in existence by His will.
Then I do not try to open the gate of the mosque because people would mistaken me for a thief. Many people would steal from the mosque. I would just climb up the little mountain in front of the mosque and beginning to control my breath, recite Ma'turat, some verses from Quran, memorize the verses or trying to contemplate the meaning and the Glorious Attributes of the God the Highest to start my morning. I do not recite them after the prayer services because I would have to find hidden places to recite them as to avoid from disturbing others. I tried to teach my father all of these but he was too old when I revealed everything to him. He is now a 65 years old paralyzed man. When I tried to talk to him during I practiced the non-Islamic lifestyle I actually wanted to have a dialogue with him and people around. But people did not get the signs. Now, I speak very little with my voice. Perhaps like two or three words a day. I do not think that people around like my sisters or even mother would understand me. So, I just keep my silence even more.
The whole day while waiting in the 11 x 11 x 11 x 11 feet room, I would just stay in contemplation without talking. Memorizing stuffs as much as I can and trying to recite them again alone. Basically I read Quranic exegesis, checking points about contemplation, reading about Sharia, reciting the basic matters about Islam again and again and recite the hadiths that I know just to perform them again as a practice in whatever space that available. If I cannot perform the da'awa to human, I could still perform the da'awa to the "hidden" brothers, haha... Life is not only about whatever that we can see with our plain eyes. The Quran speaks about metaphysical life too.
Then, to break the fast too I would just drink plain water at the dusk hour. Or simply eating the same thing like I had during the pre-dawn breakfast. If I have some money from my previous savings then I would withdraw them and buy a piece of plain chapati or plain prata roti from the Indian Muslim restaurant and buying some milk like the RM1.50 Dutchlady from the shop's fridge. I plan to xerox my resume in the next two weeks time if it is for this year. Or maybe waiting for the next year to start all over just like what I wrote in my diary. My distance acquaintance Mr. Azrul from Kelantan was quite helpful in providing me information about operational jobs in a hotel. I check every detail about the jobs in a hotel such as waiter, steward, cleaner, bell boy, and others.
Some people might frown at why a master graduate work like this. Let me tell you people. Not all people are fortunate like you! Besides being happy with your life, enjoying it, you perhaps need to have some empathy to the others. It does not mean that you have to donate anything to others or to say anything to them. But simply having an empathy is a donation itself toward a better universe. These are just a sharing. I am not doing all of these on purpose or simply to feel the life of the poor people. I am just living according to my situation and capability other than being a victim among other victims of the situation since 1990's.
Other days, I do not really take much food too. I just drink some water with rice mixed with ghee or some salt. Sometimes it will end up as a fast too for that day because I do not touch anything. I am not in the stage of being a beggar yet and perhaps I would never commit that. It is a disgrace to prophet Muhammad s.a.w, a disgrace to father Ali r.a. and mother Fatima al-Zahra r.a! If there is nothing then just recite the dhikr. We die only once but not many times unless if there is reincarnation like in the hell where the sinners will be alive and dead and alive and dead up to the period where the God the Highest closes the hell and the disbelievers will be wrapped together and die forever there (I cannot remember the source but there are sources about this. Do not take this as a definite argument in people's speeches!).
This humble servant fast an optional fast as a sacrifice to keep himself and bringing his life closer to the God the Highest. May the God the Highest be my Defender, be my Protector and be my Lover always in the quest to seek His Glorious Appearance in the hereafter and to seek His pleasure.
Sealed with prayers for mercy, peace and love, amin!