Friday, 6 April 2012

I am Deciding

Assalaamu'alaikum wa rahmatullah


I am deciding not to pray in hostel's musalla anymore. I think I should avoid the musalla though I am afraid with the consequence from Allah. Feeling like I wanted to delete the Facebook that I had signed too cause I just feel like disconnecting with human-being. I am almost finishing my literature review which is the second chapter and other balance chapters are actually completed together with references at the time where I was so stressed, weak and feeling like drinking detergent. I only have a presentation and an assignment to complete.

My Plan and Decision

I think I don't want to mingle with people anymore. Plus I also noticed that other Phd student like our fellow Yemeni brother had also now begin to hibernate in his compartment. I will still pray in congregation but maybe at night during Fajar, Maghrib and Isya' prayer services if I have the strength to walk to masjid. For prayers like Dzuhr and 'Asr prayer services I will perform them alone at my room. I had also already performing the Thursday fasting for firstborn son so today I am actually a bit free to violate the covenant as what elders told me according to our traditions. I am typing the thesis right now but I don't feel stressed anymore like before because I begin to release everything after meditating and chanting Allah's Holiest and Glorious Names. I also recited our tariqah prayers, thanks to paternal aunt who provided me with the stamped family prayer book though she is also not so observant. I send email to friend that I know actually to say goodbye. I think it should be enough for me waiting for people who are afraid of me. I wish they will take good care of their health. No matter if they forget me, this humble hebrew guy will always remember them, still caring about them and praying for their well-being. I don't think I will ever show my face anymore to people after I say goodbye or when I am feeling down. I think I was destined by the Lord not to make friend with human-being. That is my fate so I must accept His decree. Everything He decreed must have wisdom underlies within.  

Dad Umpteenth Visit

My dad came to visit me and he actually feels bored at home. He returns northern several times in a week and it is actually harmful for his health. He is now a 60+ years old man. I understood his situation where he feels lonely at home and trying to find people to entertain him but now I am quite busy. I feel quite guilty for having to leave him alone. He drives alone from Kuala Lumpur to Perlis and Kedah states and later to our Malay cousins house in Malay village at Damar Laut or 峇東 near the beach. I actually feels quite ashamed to my cousins, uncle and auntie because we have to trouble them to entertain my dad. At home, people there could not stop him anymore because he has hypertension and blood clog at his brain's vein due to a stroke that he experienced during Ramadan 2010. It affects his mind. He will burst out and maybe would harm people or harming his self if people stopping him. Tomorrow he still wants to go to other relatives home in Perak state. I can't follow him home because I am also occupied with thesis and assignments. Last time he came here too and saying that he wanted to see me. I send him back home and driving for him. He refused to follow highway but insisted going through villages way. I was quite tired driving like that because there are many traffic lights and lorries. The day after I have to buy a bus ticket to return because I have classes.

I was so stressed and I thought of sharing my pain with friends but people actually are afraid of me. Some might only using me as their thrash bin or when they are feeling lonely but they are only lonely in the beginning. When they found friends and hardly being lonely no more, they would also leave me behind. That is human-being. So what can I do? I don't force people nor promising any flowery words to those who come closer to me. I only offer my sincere heart. Last time when I encountered problem in madrasah in Perlis when my dad forced me to be registered there like elders said. I also feel lonely that made me going to Thai temples and praying there talking with Buddha idols and spirits idols. I made friend with a Muslim Thai-Chinese but he also leaves me behind once he was accepted by Malay kids. I was only a medium to enter to society by other 'loner'. Other Malay kids will never truly befriend me because I am only half or perhaps quarter of them. This also happens to our Egyptian neighbor who lives in our old quarter. Their dad is a Malay religious officer from Terengganu state and their mum is an Egyptian. I observed those kids and they are marginalized. They do not do well in school as they are registered as Malay and enrolled in national system. When they mingle with Malay kids, they were thrown with woods, stones and others. I don't think it is wise for them to be forced to mix if people could not accept them. But their dad does not care about them. This is our fate. When people talk about Chinese school and Tamil school I actually think that we are more pitiful than these 19th century immigrants. 17th century migrants' descents like us are not even recognized by British colonial master. During colonial time, they used our ancestors to approach local court and palace but they trapped us with all sort of things.        

What I Think About Friendship

Actually the friends when we are crying are difficult to find but friends when we are fortunate are abundant around us. Arabic proverb says: "A friend is one to whom one may pour out all the contents of one's heart, chaff and grain together. Knowing that the gentlest of hands will take and sift it. Keep what is worth keeping and with a breath of kindness blow the rest away." For this proverb I only found it with Allah but not with fellow human friends. How many of my countable friends now leaving me? I only have countable friends but what about those with countless friends?

Another proverb: "True friends are like stars, we can recognize them when it's dark around us." Greek proverb says: "A friend to all is a friend to none (Aristotle)." I am not a friend to all and most of friends that I found are friends to all which means they are friends to none... Always when I think something about friends, I will right away tell them as what has been said by Blaise Pascal: "Few friendships would survive if each one knew what his friend says or thinks of him behind his back." It means honesty is important thing although it might be risky for friendship. I think maybe I am just a mingling friend by people. For me, I just believe that I should avoid people who thinks that I am that kind of person for a temporary period of time. I don't mingle with people but I seriously make friend and establishing silaturrahim with people. I do it in a very low-profile manner and I don't like to be seen by others who are not yet considered as 'friends' when chatting with friends that I had already established silaturrahim because not all people that we could establish friendship and brotherhood. I will message people and asking them this and that actually means that I am asking whether they are free for me to disturb them? It is known as Quranic manner (surah an-Nuur no. 24 verse 61). If people say nothing then it means they are occupied. Mingling only is not silaturrahim. We can just mingle with anyone then just leave them after we have no occasion anymore. Shake our hands, nodding head, smile, then go. Touch n Go. I have my own definition on friendship. It's not only friend. It also goes to brotherhood. It's not only physical brotherhood but also spiritual. We tie our spirit and soul as brothers. The definition might be primitive or orthodox but that is what I have in my mind.  

Bedouin Arab/Hebrew culture among them is that we are honest and treating guests nicely at night though we might be seen as evil (perhaps rude?) and torturing others in the daylight. People might see this as rude to tell the truth, but truth always hurt. That is why we never be offended with people who tell us right away what they think about us. Because we already realize about this fact. We never leave our brothers or those we consider as brothers alone and this custom or value is actually still practiced in my family though some of us actually never consider ourselves as Arabs anymore. I gave few brothers like Tabligh brothers that I encountered the link of this site because I talked about them. So, any of these proverbs could describe what I mean about myself and only an Arab/Hebrew could understand his own people thinking.

I heard many misleading quotations from Malay ustads and ustazas about us when they teach us history because they look at us as others and not as part of nations or ummah but I can do nothing except feeling down as I was a child. I actually realized about our Hadrami/South Arabian/Hebrew root and background but I became not interested anymore because of these quotes. Our foreign ancestors taught them religious teachings and kitabs and now we are degraded by people who was taught by our people while we never look down upon them. I always feel down and cease to mingle with people because of this.    

My Dad Background

I had already advised dad to visit masjids at home and comfort himself by befriending Allah and not to find human-being but he is still stubborn. Maybe he was surrounded by friends when he was young. People change, time will change everything. People also come and go. It is how the universe work. My dad is not an observant guy. His mother is the second wife of my grandpa and she was cast with black magic when she married my grandpa by a villager who wanted to marry her. Grandpa first wife was the same race with him and my paternal cousins are all looking like Arab-Indians some with red hair, pointed nose and some with yellowish skin. She died after suffering for long due to the poison cast on her through black magic. The time she died, my dad was just a three months year old toddler. So, my dad actually has no one to guide him in term of religion and etc. His father died when he was 12 years old. He was sent to Catholic mission schools in Alor Setar and Singapore because no public school wanted to accept him and living like a stayed goose. After I listened about his family background, I actually feel very sorry for him though I was also not treated like a normal child when I was in school or at home. We have sad stories about our family and I really hate it when I watch Malay dramas in our television since they are showing those black magic stuffs which also means encouraging people for that evil deeds. My maternal grandma had also experienced this but she was an observant lady who follows a certain tariqah so she could survive and also could walk to pray or listening teachings during insurgency time without being noticed by police or terrorists during post-colonial time. She never told me this, but villagers told me. She never speak any word about religion to me but only teaching trough practices.

My Beloved Grandma

I told him human-being are occupied with time, space, and others but not Allah Azza wa Jalla. He will listen to our words especially when we are alone. No matter how tortured I am and how lonely I am, I found that I only feel pain when I mingle with people but not when I am with Allah. I think I should avoid people and never talk with people anymore except if I need to deal or doing jobs that I would communicate with people. Further I think I am just scaring people and people might feel afraid to see me looking different and diverting from normal people. I realize this and that is why I try to avoid people. What I observed happening to dad actually scares me too. I also love my maternal grandma, but she already passed away. As I say, people come and go. People will also have to leave us no matter how close they are to us but not Allah. The tradition of anointing our head was actually inherited to me by her. She will call me and anoint me with oil but she used Indian sesame oil because we could not find olive oil at that time. She never anoint my other cousins who are the children of my maternal uncle or aunts. They never spend their time with her.

Life is Complicated Not as Easy as We May Think

Hurmm, actually life is not as easy as we think. It could be very complicated.... I don't really believe in happy endings in life since I always encounter problems. I just wish Allah helps me to further going through the future. What matters is in the present. So, Abdullah may you recite His Names and pleasing Him always.

Sealed with prayers for mercy, peace, and love, amin ya Rabbal 'aalamin!             

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