Saturday, 31 March 2012


Assalaamu'alaikum wa rahmatullah

I'm sorry that currently my head was messed up and I made few posts in another language. I feel that I can't help my self to always feel low-self esteem especially when being a post-graduate students we are isolated and we are mentally tortured in solitary. I am also very angry with the hostel management, where they placed postgraduate students above the sky and discriminating their own Malaysian students who actually pays them in cash! As for young postgraduate student, I am so stressed with this situation. One problem is that, I have to mingle with weird old guys from Arabia (though I am of Arabian ancestry) and I also don't like to stay with Phd students because they are way too old. I can't do any activity with too old guys. It complicates my character more. I would not complain about this after I finish because it would be of no use talking to management. I won't return to the university anymore, insha Allah. Mum said that I am now diverting from the Path and I am now being kicked further to the worldly side. I cried everyday when mum's word echoing in my ears because she wasn't happy when I returned here. I didn't know why is this happening and I was only an ordinary guy. I wanted to be like others but I can't and always being placed in minority situation be it in religious traditions and worldly matters :'(  

Had already removed the flames from the box. It's difficult when we stay alone because nobody could guard the flames. Don't want it to hurt my Quran.

If talking to undergraduate students or those who never doing postgraduate, they would never understand how it feels. I knew few undergraduate students before who have to do thesis, I know how it feels if they talk about it to me because I can see it from their stressful appearance. It feels like being smashed thousands of times at the head day by day. Perhaps people are looking at me as a weird and strange guy. Some people might think this guy looks unusual in his appearance though they never talk to me about this. I can tell it by the way they look at me and I don't like people staring at me. We have this belief that the 'eyes' could harm the people who are stared at. If wanted to speak, just come close and talk but make sure only alone. Don't worry about how I would react, I will never treat people badly if people have no sin to me. I don't entertain people who come to me through friend and talking to me in a group. It is like Facepuke where we don't like people who we don't know suddenly come to us by another friend and talking to us. I just don't like to know people like this or talking in a group because it brings together 'satan'. It is also annoying when we speak we have to focus on many places... I would rather stay alone if I have to encounter this situation. I wish any brother who knows me and visiting this humble site could understand this : )

I am also apologizing if firstly I do not greet people and people are afraid to come closer to me. Maybe I am traumatized with the experience when I was a young undergraduate student talking to other cocky students like I care whether they are champions in sports, teaching primary school maths candidate teacher, fair skin guy or rich guy in case of cikgu Yusry who asked me why am I greeting him asking "how are you?" (hullo, Asian guys with fair skin are like women and I don't care about people's money, lol), having muscular body (some pathetic people in my previous hostel love to show off their body maybe to get attention *puke*),  having groups of friends (both religious and non-religious groups are the same for me, bunch of show off n mengada-ngada), or etc. That experience actually makes me like I am today.  Maybe I should also make lists of what I had experienced with people, ahahahhaahahahaha........ It seems like fun.

If people treat me like others perhaps I would not be looking different or weird. I began to wear all-black including my skull cap since last week which means I am turning away from society because people are looking at me like a strange guy. I have bad experience with people that make me like that but I never and will never treat people without manner if they talk with me like others had done to me because I don't like to be treated like that. I understood how does it feel and that makes me treat everyone including little child with dignity. I hardly make people lose their face because I care about people dignity like I care about my own dignity. When people don't tell anything that they feel they wanted to tell me too, I will count it as a sign that they are looking down at me and not assuming me as their believer 'brother'.

I don't know what to buy, just buying nonsense books and the white book reflects what I am now thinking, lol

Regarding Friends Around

It makes me thinking that the term 'brother' is just a rhetoric to be proud to people of other faith because it shows the success on persuading people to 'convert' into this and that faith. Maybe it is just to show off, to be proud to others and not because of pure heart for Allah sake. I have no time for this and personally I don't like to persuade people for followers or converting people. If people seriously wanted to establish "love and mercy" among nations, just be committed to it. Don't just talk about it and run away because once we are tested (reminder to myself), hehehe. I am watching and observing people. I am not only observing and watching the changing in myself.

If I still talk with people, it means I love them like my own relatives. If no talking, it means I am not worth to be with them and I was offended because I know I am not an important person that makes people treating me like a trash (poor people are trash, we cannot make friend with rich or fortunate people). Perhaps their status is very high as compared to me, a lowly servant who have nothing to offer in term of material. I am not really good in word and that is why I never speak so much in front of people. But that does not mean I could not phrasing my words. Sometimes people might not understand how I think. It is normal and it happens to everyone I guess.  
Yesterday I just bought few books because we've got RM200 voucher for students to buy book. It is apart of government campaign to encourage students to read. Earlier on Thursday, I just bought a Tajweed Quran with Chinese translation for personal use. I actually could not perform worldly jobs in Saturday without any necessity because today is a Holy and Sanctified day for us and strictly reserved for Holy Books recitation which includes Quran. However, I had already violated few laws since I am occupied with worldly matter which is this study that I am forced to finish and I typed my thesis references, haha. It is my fault anyway not of anyone because it was the course that I ticked my application form and because I think of other brother or perhaps friend. I met Charlie again this Friday while withdrawing but I just ignore him. Let him feel how I feel though I don't obviously do that! I always tolerate people but if it is for many times, I can't stand it anymore. We are human-being no robots. If he has other friends, then he should go and spend time with them. Not calling me while he is lonely because I am always alone. I also have my Friend and I feel guilty to forget Him for other friends who could never benefit me in the world or hereafter. From what I discussed with sister Ong regarding this issue, she said to me: "人是這樣的, 一個人的時就和你很好, 當他有了其他的朋友, 覺得你沒用了, 就不理你了, 有時候我們找朋友要很小心啊..." So, it means we have to be careful in searching friends. Actually I had been very cautious but I still being tricked like what I had experience with Charlie, with Jantr, and etc... I am tired of this same situation. Maybe I should accept the fact that we have to be isolated from around like our father, Ibrahim a.s and his children. Only those who experienced this will understood how father Ibrahim a.s feels.  

Sanctification of the day begin since after Friday prayer where I will take bath and cleaning my room. I will have to lit up two flames few minutes before Maghrib prayer service and turn off the electricity beside reciting personal prayers to welcome the day. I also put on the skull cap to remind myself to keep the covenant and promises. This is only our personal tradition. I had gradually abandon these personal traditions but after other brothers here making me feeling low-self esteem, I started it again because I am not their 'brother' in faith.    

I still have other brothers around me whom are invisible. They are with me always and in Saturday, two of them will be visiting me. My eyes could not see them. My ears could not listen to them. But they are talking to me and praying to with the amin closing of prayers.

Sealed with prayers for mercy, peace, and love, amin!

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