Saturday 30 April 2011

How does it feel when we have a good or close friend?

Assalaamu'alaikum wa Rahmatullah!


I begin this post with praises to Allah and humility. May Allah bless me, beloved faithful brothers and sisters with bountiful of wisdom from His boundless Wisdom.

I had finished the paper for SAE515 European External Policy last Friday. I do not know whether I did well or not. But I guess I had tried hard enough to do well. The rest will be the Divine intervention to help me. I do not have any ability to excel without the help of Allah and everything is already decreed. I will harvest what I had worked on. I still have to represent my proposal and answering German paper level 100 (Beginner). 

I actually have no friends here, not even a close friend to be a company. So I can't help feeling lonely and envious looking at groups of people talking and laugh among each other at restaurant, or discussing about the affiliations or values that they share in musalla. I tried to develop relationship with people in musalla but it is not a close relationship. We just shake hands sometimes after the congregational prayers end in musalla and walk away. I feel so shy to talk to people, plus some of the congregation member in musalla is from Jama'at Tabligh. Although I learned religious knowledge in my three years secondary schooling time and for some times in Syariah stream before shifting to secular education but I still feel myself lower than others. Especially when I heard that they have more priviledge in front of Allah because of their efforts, and I have nothing to offer to Allah except trying to be sincere to Allah. I feel more down, with my experience which was not really good as others although I believe many encounters this kind of problem too. 

I do not intend to insult myself, I know this feeling is not good. But that is what I feel. I am not like a quiet person if I know people well. I could talk about many things, breaking out laugh with jokes that I feel comfortable to talk but when I encounter people who talk about religion or about God all the time like JT kids, it would be quiet difficult for me. Because some of them are still in the stage of learning. I am also afraid that I would hurt them with questions or comments that I have even though I do not care about what people want to think about myself or talk about me. I do think in a complicated way sometimes because of my past experience, so those who are not familiar with me might think that I have something broken in my head, hurting them or talking nonsense. Because of taking care about brothers feeling, I have to think many times and observe first before breaking the silence.  

I do not have problem to talk with congregation from the Mid East although I am not comfortable with some of their attitudes but those in the university mosque congregation are quite polite to people and they conduct religious lecture and readings from kitaab. I am familiar with Mid Easterners culture and customs but I prefer to talk to compatriot better. The congregation of Mid Easterners are in the university mosque and it is far from my hostel. That is why I have to pray congregational prayers in musalla in the lowest level of the hostel.

I remember the last time I had a good friend is when I was in standard four. At that time, my father served the state government office as a press secretary of the Kedah state chief minister. At that time, we also had a photo shop but it did not work well because of the capital shortage and few problems, so we have to close the shop. We are the only "bumiputera" who opened photo shop in Jitra competing with Chinese owned photo shops. I was schooled for a while in Sekolah Rendah Ahmad Tajuddin in Jitra. I had a close friend, whom I called as Saiful. He was the one who began to talk to a quiet boy who was me. I never start greeting anyone until others' greet me first except if I feel the need for me to greet then I would greet and be friendly like what happened with me and brother Idris during Ramadan 2010. I and Saiful had once been close friends in a year schooling time before I have to move to Selangor together with our parents. Particularly in Hulu Langat. There, I was schooled in Sekolah Rendah Batu 9. I have no close friend anymore since then because of the difference in culture problem and it always not easy for young kids to adapt with new environment, taking into account that we always moved here and there. I just have classmates whom I just meet when I was in the class but not for any other sharing activities anymore like before. 

Then, when I was in third year doing my first bachelor degree. I met my close friend when I was in standard four again which is Saiful. He is eager to continue having a contact with me but he had bring his girlfriend with him when we met at my neighborhood. I feel quite shy to talk with him because for such a long time we did not meet each other and he came with his girlfriend. 

And then the way he talk too is different to when we were kids because that was different thing. Now we are adults. I do not feel close anymore. So, I do not talk to him anymore after we met although for few times he tried to contact me. Maybe times changing him or perhaps it is me who is changing.

I do not have any good opportunity to build relationship with others because my parents especially my mother is quite stifling with me. Maybe because I am the only son. I did not have any chance to be naughty outside with friends although I was quite naughty at home. Now, I thought that I have not acquire the art to make friends anymore. But when I was in the first year bachelor degree, I made friend with a guy from Jitra. He was my colleague in our course. I treat him just like my blood brother or cousin although I have no brother nor I am close to my own cousins. We talked about many things including I listened to his exposure to me about music. But when holidays come, he never offers me to join him visiting his family like other friends did. Maybe he is shy of his family, I also have the same feeling because I have sisters. I could not bring male friend home, because of my sisters. Now I still contacting him, but it is not like before because of distance perhaps or maybe he has his own problem. May Allah makes everything easy for him.

When I am at home, my sisters can't be good listeners. When they have problems, I can be their place to say anything that they want. I just keep my problems to my self and chanting prayers to Allah may He be Merciful releasing me from psychological burden of the problem to befit in the society. My experiences of a confused background had shaped me to be like this and it is very difficult to express it out.

Now I just try to establish good relation with kids from Jama'at Tabligh in congregation although I sometimes do not feel comfortable when they are in high spirit and forgetting around. I saw them having good relationship and communicate well among each other that made me interested to be close although in the beginning it was not me who approach them.

But when I see myself, I just see a poor hermit in me. I do not know how to express it in words but I guess that is the closest picture that I have for my self. But there are certain barriers too. Like I am just alone, I have no close friend together like them in the movement. So, how does it feel when we have a good or close friend? I had forgotten it, or might be I never feel it at all.

Ending this simple post on Sunday, I would like to beg Allah to please do not leave me alone. I do not have anyone in this cruel world in its pretentious colors. I only have Allah 'Azza wa Jalla. Please Allah at least let me have a good friend to company me when I stay in rest in barzakh, since I have no close friend to talk about my sadness or my happiness in this world.

Let me stay with Your Words as my company when I go to see You. I am longing to see You my dear Lord. Please have Mercy on me O holy God, I am your poor slave. I have nothing to be proud of, I have nobody to talk with, I only have You. Please may my lowly prayers be heard O Holy God, only You are my Strength. Praises to Allah may it stop not from my unworthy lips.        

Tuesday 12 April 2011

Praise to Allah!

Assalaamu'alaikum wa Rahmatullah!

Praise be to Allah! I managed to finish my assignments, which are the 5,000 words essay. It is actually from two different courses, each of them I was required to write about 2,500 words. Basically, it would be easy if we know some basis of the topic for the essay, but it becomes tough when we do not have any basis for that particular topic. 


The first one that I had to write is from Dr. Zainal'abiddin where I had to write about EU as a Global Actor and Interregionalism with Africa. This essay is for the course, SAE515 EU Common External Policy. I get to learn many things from the essay although the burden of task is intense because I have to finish everything before next week as the exam will begin on Wednesday in the week to come. I actually know nothing about economy and so do politics of external relation. 

More or less, I could get to know about the process and mechanism used by the EU in dealing with Africa and also the issues that it has to counter before promoting trade and business in the region. Although my essay is not so nice or well written, and sometimes it is filled with quotes from others' journals, but I think that I had did it as well as possible with prayers for Allah to intervene and help me.

The other one is for Dr. Noraida assignment for EU Common Policies with the code SAE514. I love her course over the one that I had to deal with Dr. Zainal and partially with Dr. Benny because I do not have to give any opinion on the things that I don't really know about. But this assignment came a bit late. We cannot blame Dr. Noraida too because we understand that she is quite busy and the research center really needs attention. It is not easy to be a lecturer and taking care a research center anyway, so this had also taught me a lot, do not think that we could go easily although we think that certain things will be a lot easier because it simply looks like that. 


For this course, I wrote about Sexual Harassment Derivatives in the EU and I managed to know few things that I do not know before regarding the law and inequalities in the workplace. Maybe I could share it here when I am free after the exam, I believe that it is useful for everyone of us regardless male or female.

I sent both of the assignments yesterday morning, in the meanwhile the submission date is actually today. I just emailed the essay for Dr. Zainal'abiddin, but for Dr. Noraida I had submitted it at her office to her assistant. I regret that I could not do any better than that but I had tried my best in writing the essay although most of them are quotes from others. 


Do not worry too because I quoted everything legally through the inclusion of the writers' name and year including refrences like what had been taught in Harvard and MLA quoting system because we could not write anything based from our own idea without any proper research nor we have the idea suddenly popped out in our mind, hehe.

As for my proposal, it is sad to say that I have to represent it again on March 3rd according to the panel of lecturers together with a girl who had also the same problem in formulating research question. I had actually done my best, running here and there to the lecturers, of course with appointments because lecturers are always busy with supervision, seminars, marking papers, and conducting classes either in degree or master levels.  Even after being rejected, I feel bad because I had tried my best. I just went to the musalla and crying there to Allah because I do not think people could really stand listening to a guy crying like a baby, hahaha. It's not the end of the world anyway.

Before that, the lecturer who supposedly defending me had a quarrel with another lecturer from Asian Studies course and both of them had left the room earlier. That might not be a good situation for me, but I am pleased with what had been pre-destined to me. Maybe there is Wisdom hidden in each incidents.  What else I could do instead of proceed with it and prays a lot to Him so that He would removes all the obstacles.

The comments from Dr. Benny was that my research questions are not focused enough. I thought about doing something related to Muslim communities and Islamophobia in Europe but I guess it might need fieldwork as well, and I have no grants nor sponsorship for my studies and this is about the region far away from us. Even now my parents are the only sponsor for me and the rest is Allah's matter to help. 

As for Dr. Suresh Narayanan, he had proposed me to choose other country for the previous topic that I wanted to do for my research rather than Britain. He said that maybe I could choose Germany and Turks minority but now I think that I would keep it first, because I have to take into the account that I am not doing a research about History.  This studies is about politics, administration, policies, and anaything related to the European Union. It is so concrete that I must be careful with everything that I am going to do for my research. If it is about history, I guess I could do it in another way which is more familiar to me.

And later, trying to propose about Equal Programme in a Member State or by comparison with two Member States of EU. For Islamophobia, or Perceptions toward Muslim communities in France, it had been chosen by one of our senior known as Raja Faris. He is currently writing a master research about that and it makes me difficult to propose it to the panels when someone had already came with the same idea.

I had a glance at a paper about Equal Programme in the library yesterday morning and founded that it is also related to Integration and Race Policy. It is with the regard to the Labor Market in Europe under the initiative European Social Fund. Mostly, it deals with employment in the EU territories.

So, I think I might have to save the previous topic for my personal research and maybe proceed with it after I am free.  Might be in the future, I could do something in bringing Muslim NGOs together through a research paper and proposing it to all organizations that I can get to know including Jama'at Tabligh and Madrasas with the proposal that I already have in my hand although it is not really useful for my recent studies or not yet a research but all of the framework had already stated there. 

In fact, I never thought about this before. Only after I met the lecturer, I think his name is Ahmad Fauzi, who teaches Islamic histories in South East Asia for Asian Studies students that I get this idea. 

He suggested me to do about preserving Muslim identity in the non-Muslim environment, through the fight for the recognition of Syariah law for Muslim nationals and Islamic Education in the European Union. It sounds like easy but I think it may need further efforts and also costs, I would make my sacrifice on behalf of Allah later. But now I need to pass this paper for research first. 

I think for now, I better do something related to a certain policy which is concrete without any notion of theories because I would have to define them first, and it is a pain for me to argue with the panel of lecturers because I hate arguments, rather I only love dialogue and friendly informal talks because my articulation is not really good. And then, what I could just do is that to check and analyze the gaps that I could fill through my research about the programme. 

Dr. Lye said that I should already finish with the new proposal before Thursday in the next week, which is a day after my first paper for European Common Policies (SAE514). It is a pressure but I must have faith in Allah that He will never let me alone. 

Previously, I had changed my research questions and everything for about four times each time I talked with different lecturers. They had also assigned me with a lecturer from other course, but it is not their fault. It is my fault too because of my research topic itself, but as to say I have no time to think deep enough although being given a year time because we were confused and occupied with classes or new lessons. Now I have some pictures about my new proposal and research eventhough they are the blurry ones. I just need to get my background, research questions and limiting them to only two questions which are the primary and the secondary for the time being.

I believe that everything comes with Wisdom. Even if I am not going to proceed with the topic about Muslim community in Europe and a certain Member States of EU, I would keep it as my personal research and will write about it when I am free. May He makes everything easy. 

Now everyone are struggling for exam including our respective Tabligh brothers regardless of their courses and also those in the congregation in the musalla or mosque. I messaged the karkon that I had asked a lot of things to him before and apologize to him if I caused him inconvenience because of my curiosity and thanking him for his patience with me. I also apologize to everyone. I sincerely pray to Allah for everyone to pass with distinction and hopefully that everyone may contribute to the Muslim nation after finishing the studies, His Will. 

I wish everyone who are going to sit for their exam luck and may everyone passing the exam according to the efforts and tawakkal to Allah. May Allah be with us always whether when we are in happiness or in sadness. Whether when we are in easiness or in difficulties. May He bless us always and never let our feet slipped out of the Path. I wish good luck to Dr. Zainal'abiddin who will shift to another place, may he enjoy his new environment and work. Aamin!!!   

Monday 4 April 2011

What is Islam? On What Basis It Is Founded?

Assalaamu'alaikum wa Rahmatullah!

I suppose be doing my readings for tomorrow proposal but I am also worried for Tablighi brothers that I met in my hostel. 

Last two days, I asked what is the meaning of going out in the path of Allah to one of the karkont (cadre).  Because I was asked by the congregation of Tabligh in the Musalla about khuruj (going for da'awa) and a karkon from South Africa said he couldn't believe me that I had never went out with their Jama'a for three days. They want to tashkil (reform) me. I asked them what do they mean by tashkil? They said, it means persuasion. In my understanding of Arabic, tashkil means reforming. What should I reform? I can't understand that. I sat with them because of silaturrahim (the connection of mercy) and they had invited me so I respect them. I just learned their term, respecting brothers is called as Ikram. It means we honor others in Arabic, I understand it but maybe they articulate it differently or with the meaning according to their context. All the things that they performed, I do perform them even before I came to know them. Even when my maternal uncle trying to tasykil us, I had already reading tasawwuf books either in English, Malay or Arabic. 

I admit that I was a lazy gut and never try to memorize Quran, but now I am working it again with my intention only to seek His pleasure. I do not want to be attached to any congregation or group because I do not want people to be afraid and we need to spread mercy to every creature. Sometimes I have to follow some naughty boys but I am actually trying to drag them to Him. Then, if that is considered as sinful I beg His mercy to lift me from sins :'(

I always sleep in the masjid when I was at home and meditating in the masjid whenever I am free. I believe I have no real home and masjid is only my sanctuary. I am also doing some donations to friends around be they Muslims or non-Muslims and I always remember each of the people who had contact with me although I am so sure that they would never remember me anymore after we go our separate way. That is normal for me. I am just used to it and I care nothing. I had took buses to my hostel mate house in Yan when his dad passed away during our second semester in the first year degree. I am so sorry to him that I didn't realize I took buses from Penang to that difficult to reach area. Walked alone in the village tracks until Maghrib reach. That is apart of my da'awa effort. It is just an example, I did many other things which only me and Allah know. I will let them be my secret with Him. I will feel bad after letting people know about these things which shouldn't be big deal at all. I did those things because of him. I have no term for them whether kerja agama (religious work) or whether it is usaha agama (religious effort), or khuruj. I am doing it simply because of Him and his creatures, I pray for His mercy always to everyone including enemies. I hope for His pleasure to everyone.

Well, I am so glad that he answered according to what he understand. His answer is that going out 3 days, 40 days, and 4 months to learn the morality of prophet saw and also the way to preach Islam to our brethren. Well I don't despise that. If Maulana Ilyas mentioned it in his kitaab with the support from Hadis of Rasulullah I would never despise it.  Then I ask the karkon, what about if we perform pilgrimage to Holy Mecca or Haj to Baitul Haram (the Respected House of Allah)? He said that is different. A very safe answer. But I could guess his thought because he did mentioned my question is a tough one for him. 

I didn't mean to make fun of him or anyone after I know the answer. I have this sympathy in my feeling. Although last time I was not really happy being cast by my parents to madrasah in Perlis and later being insulted by teachers in Sekolah Agama Rakyat in Selangor for my weakness in academics because Syariah students are considered in the Sekolah Agama Rakyat as students who have no contribution toward Science, Technology, and Innovation as what had been implied by our ex-PM and policies in the country. We were failed products in education system and it affects us even until today. This is the reality in my schooling time. I don't know about now, what is the view toward the religious study.  Whether it is only a place to dump naughty kids in order to teach them lessons although religion is something which is rooted in the family as well. The parents took it easy by letting others educating their child even the basic ones.

The karkont is a physics student and now I believe they have no religious education background I mean the particular one. Because in National Education System, everyone learns Fardhu 'Ain, and Islamic Education and that is also included into the certificate for passing the exam like UPSR, PMR, or SPM. 

But I really appreciate his effort in joining the Jama'at or the particular congregation. His sincere answer actually saddened me not because of the pilgrimage matter but it is about the understandings. They learned a lot about Sunnah and prophet's tradition in Bayan (lectures) each time they would be conducting Bayan. 

I read everything about the Jama'at Tabligh or initially known as the Movement of Faith which was founded by Maulana Ilyas. I have my respect to this figure for his effort. But sometimes when we see the followers of the Jama'at and also my maternal uncle, it seems different. 

We can't blame them. I am certain about this. They are also in search for the path, but maybe they sometimes had assumed that they had already in the right track although the definition of the right track might be varying or not specific at all. Well at least for me who was an ex-Syariah student or an outcaste from a religious school. What I heard in the Bayan of Tablighs are about Iman (Faith) and Amal (Practice). That is certainly true. But they had forgotten the addition of Wahyu or Revelation or in the other words, Wisdom and Knowledge. It is also in conjunction with Hidayah or Guidance that we try to acquire through the prayers to Allah.  

Hajj and pilgrimage is mentioned by Muhammad saw when he was asked by an unknown person in the mosque in front of companions. It is the fifth pillar of Religion or Deen. On the other hand, Deen is a synonymous word to Syari'ah Islamiah. Syari'ah means the Way of Him. While Deen means the Law which terminologically refers to the Law of Life or Sunnatullah. Deen is also a Suryani word where we still can find its meaning in the name of a prophet called Danial which means the Law of God. 

I am sorry I do not have time for the particular mention and report of the Hadis Qudsi but I remember that I read it in Sahih al-Bukhary together with linear English translation concerning Iman. I hope my translation of what I remembered is not wrong but we still can find the text in the Sahih al-Bukhary for reference, His Will.

It is narrated by 'Umar al-Khattab (ra): "Once upon a time, when they sat together with the prophet saw, suddenly came a young man wearing an extremely white robe, his hair is extremely black in color, and he doesn't seem like coming from a long journey to see prophet saw but nobody knows him. He then sat in front of prophet saw until his knees touching the knees of prophet saw.  Then he began to ask prophet saw..."

The Guy: Tell me about Islam o Muhammad! 

Prophet: Islam is when you bear your witness that there is no god (worth to be worshipped) except Allah, and Muhammad is His messenger, Islam is when you are performing Salah, Islam is when you are performing Zakah, Islam is when you are observing Sawm (fast), Islam is when you are performing Hajj whenever you can afford it.

The Guy: You are indeed right!

Companions were so astonished when they see that the guy is asking the prophet saw but he is also certifying the answers of the prophet saw. Then further ask him to prophet saw.

The Guy: Tell me about Iman!

Prophet: Iman is when you have the faith in Allah, His angels, His scriptures, His prophets and messengers, the Hereafter, and the Good and Evil Taqdir.

The Guy: You are indeed right! What is Ihsan then? 

Prophet: Ihsan is when you perform the act of worship and service to Allah, it is like when you are seeing Him. If you do not see Him, but you still feel that He is watching You!

The Guy: Tell me about when is the Resurrection Day?

Prophet: You who asked me knows more than me who is asked.

The Guy: Then, tell me what are the significance for it?

Prophet: If a slave giving birth to her master, and if you see people barefooted and chest, poor and shepherd, (later) competing in building tall edifications.

And after the guy had listened the answers, he went out of the mosque and I (Umar al-Khattab) sat still for a moment. Then the prophet asked me.

Prophet: Do you know who was that person asking me?

Umar: Allah and His messenger know it well. 

Prophet: He is Gabriel who came to you in the meaning to teach the religion to you.

(Report from Muslim)

From the karkon answer, I am so curious to know about what they think about people who do not join the specific congregation? Aren't we the same nation with them or they are higher in term of Taqwa in front of Him rather than people who also perform the same preaching only without being in the specific group or congregation? How do they judge people? Is it according to superficial appearance? 

Taqwa (fear to Allah) is not something that we can easily measure with our own barometer but it is something abstract and only Allah knows the answer for it. It is not a concrete matter. Concerning this hadis, when I was still confused about what path should I choose, I read back this hadith for umpteenth of times until I made my decision to return back to the faith of ancestors, Islam. It is not easy, I know what those Tabligh karkonts are talking. I have struggles in myself even until today it will never end to the last breath and I hope Allah will protect me at the 'time.'

This are some of the experience I had encountered in this hostel. The guy can't be seen in Musalla after I asked him, I asked him only through medium which can't be seen or known by anyone because I have my ethiquette too. I would feel sinful if he had not been there because of my question. I was just curious and I thought that he could help me answer my curiosity. I did not intend to test him, put him into shame or causing offense to him. I consider everyone even non-Muslims as my brothers in humanity. Muslim brethren are like my blood and flesh, especially those in faith. I would rather cut my wrist if I have to hurt them :'(

Today I had messaged the particular guy I asked asking him about this hadis but I did not mention it as a hadis qudsi. I hope he could find his way through this hadis or redefine it again according to the light of Quran and Sunnah.

Please help me pray to Allah to guide everyone of us. Allah please forgive my sins if I had sinned to my brothers and sisters. Please forgive their sins too if I could not apologize to them. Blessed be prophet saw and his companions and his family. Blessed be the Muslim nation. Amiiin!!!!!
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