I wish everyone passing by in good condition and wishing everyone well-being. For record purpose, I must pay back third sister since I had several times mentioned about borrowing some cash to survive. I had borrow from her about RM4000. When we borrow from someone, we must hold our words. Even death touching us, we must pay back or at least try to pay. I payed the study bill with 75 bank notes of RM50, the turn number 1173 around 15:38-16:30 at counter no.1.
I helped third sister with her thesis proposal and she might give me something. I don't want anything, I just wanted to help her because I want to help her. She is my own sister. I had owed parents more than my life. I doubt that I could pay everything before I see the Glorious God. I must also pay dad RM5000 for the first two semesters registration, also RM2000 to mum. Though they never ask me but I must be considerate and compassionate as it is not easy for dad working day and night for some money to make a living with family. He might need it for his future guarantee, he is already an old man. Parents deserve to live in peace and getting merits for themselves in the hereafter through practices. My first degree debt with the National Higher Education Fund Corp (PTPTN) would be around RM16000, calculated and predicted together with 3% and the interest according to years. It supposedly to be RM9000 without any interest or service charge because I just borrowed that amount and strictly using it for registrations and related courses according to unit requirements. I don't use that loan for my daily life in the university while being a first degree student.
I do not know whether I should regret choosing this way to further studies or not. I am already half the way and I could not act like a coward, running half way. If I am in the battle, I must move up to the front line facing bullets or else I will get His curse. I actually wanted to study Quran and Sunnah just after I finish up my first degree but I end up like this. I just can't stand people coming by at home keep talking about what would I be in the future.. I can't run from them since I do not know where to go. All of my friends fade away and I can't hide from them, nor finding my friends maybe to hide from these people...
I do not know whether I should regret choosing this way to further studies or not. I am already half the way and I could not act like a coward, running half way. If I am in the battle, I must move up to the front line facing bullets or else I will get His curse. I actually wanted to study Quran and Sunnah just after I finish up my first degree but I end up like this. I just can't stand people coming by at home keep talking about what would I be in the future.. I can't run from them since I do not know where to go. All of my friends fade away and I can't hide from them, nor finding my friends maybe to hide from these people...
I do not intend to further phd anymore after this, let people say anything they want. It is just a certificate, our virtue is in our heart and mind, not in the paper. I just don't care anymore. I pray to our Lord, Allah 'Azza wa Jalla to set me only to get ready to see Him. I am already tired with this world. After I settled everything at the bank, I actually felt that I wanted to cry as I have to be a beggar but I have to hold up my tears... Just feeling weak and it is so shameful... Right now I am staying for few hours more in Azren's room because I had a problem with my roommate. He keep reminding me not to bring scouting friend though I had already told the guy not to stay in the room anymore. I don't receive any scouting friend anymore. Even when brother Shuhaimi called me yesterday asking me permission to stay for a while in my room, I had rejected him. I feel like crying while typing this too. I don't want Azren or anyone seeing me crying... Just like Amir, my homie and ex-colleague said... No matter how suffering we are, hold up our tears, cry alone...!!! Don't show it to others...!!! Terima kasih lah Azren tompangkan aku, aku wat susah ko je, kalo tak arini ko dah leh balik... Aku malu sebenarnya tapi dah terpaksa... Lenkali aku cuba kurang susahkan orang... Selamat bergraduasi, best of wishes...! I wish dear brother Sayyid 'Eidan and family a blessed fasting and abstinence period too.
Anyhow, I would just cry at the masjid kneeling before the God for guidance and strength. I feel restless for this semester and the coming semester :'( The first class which I am going to repeat will begin on Thursday the next week, 16th of Syawwal 1432 H. I am still not done with third sister works and also my own thesis chapters. I don't want to see anyone including my sisters crying, I will cry for them though many people cursing my face when I try to reconcile everyone. May Allah forgives everyone, as they do not know nor understand... Today is 10th of Syawwal.... We have plenty of time to finish up 6th days of Syawwal fasting... Insyaallah, I would try to fast beginning this Monday... I wish those who fast the 6 days of Syawwal to be blessed with His Grace and Love... Those who had already finished, I wish you congratulations, may Allah keeps you in consistency under His Shade, amin!
يا رب القوات كن معنا يا رب القوات إرحمنا .... O Lord of the Strength, be with us... O Lord of Strength, have Mercy on us... اللهم صل على محمد وعلى اهله و صحبه أجمعين... Our Lord please be in contact with our prophet Muhammad s.a.w and his family and his companions... Sealed with prayers for peace, mercy and love, amin!
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