Assalaamu'alaikum wa Rahmatullah!
Just received a sad news our grand-aunt had passed away today. I had also declined the internship after revising my schedule regarding my thesis because I afraid that I would have to see my supervisor every week. I would find a part-time job near my hostel so that I could survive. Why not being confident to Allah????!
And I should also stop comparing myself to others! I am different and others are different. I should only humble my knees down to Allah and not to fellow creatures. Sometimes I could sense that I behave like infidels again but just could not help it because Buddhism influence was so great in myself. Really have to be careful with my evil side. That is why we are always in sin but we are not away from His glorious mercy. He is Merciful!
This evening to I had heard another news about death from Amir, my ex-colleague. His maternal grandfather passed away. As a fellow muslim I would just send my condolence to his mum. Never have the chance to see his mum but from his stories about his family, I can get to know his mum. His mum must be a nice person. He felt stuffed in his chest because death is not always easy thing especially when we have to attend the funeral and we are alone since we might also seeing long-distance relatives who we aren't really familiar and that makes us uncomfortable while feeling down with ourselves. I can't talk detail about this because we have guests here so I need to respect other guests. But as to say, I only have Amir as a friend. He is the only surviving friend that I have and I feel sorry for him because he is also a reflect of myself. A reflect of myself who feels down. For me each time I feel disgusted with environment around, I would pray that the judge (Isa al-Masih) would return and bringing peace for sometimes before the destruction : (
Got to travel north again becos I have to see my supervisor this Wednesday and on this way we would also stop by at Bandar Baru near Parit Buntar to witness the funeral. It is to remind ourselves that we would leave this deceiving "pretty" world. I'm actually listening to poems about death in arabic while jotting this down. Tried to download Quran recitation from few important suras that I wanted to memorize badly. I must have this determination to memorize Quran.
I would punish and never forgive myself if I don't get to follow the guidelines set!!!!!! Now, He is giving me the time to repent and seeking knowledge. I am glad no Tabligh kids around in the hostel so I could freely roam without being seen to mosque and meeting syeikhs in the USM mosque. I wanted to memorize Hanbali fiqh kitaabs badly but I need living teachers to help me here. It is not Mecca and I regret that, maybe I should cry my pathetic self to the syeikhs too.
We can't avoid death. It is a must for everyone who breath and alive. It is the sunnah of the life. Thus I pray may all the souls of the faithfuls being forgiven by Allah. Please have mercy to our souls o Allah! You are the most Merciful and the Forgiver to everyone. We could only seek Your Mercy as we have no one except You. Indeed we are for Allah and indeed to Him we would return. Sealed with prayers for peace and love.