Assalaamu'alaikum wa Rahmatullah!
Just arrived in the campus yesterday evening because I have to prepare my research's first chapter to be checked by the supervisor. Praise be to God, I managed to perform obligatory salaat for mid day and afternoon prayers although through jama' n qasar way. I hope God forgives me because I did not perform proper ma'amad with dirty clothes and vessel but instead just performing ablution as the time was almost out.
Then I still can pray evening prayer in congregation in musalla desa Tekun, thankful to God again You are indeed the Most Merciful. Actually today we are already in peaceful saturday as what we call it as two holy days. We suppose to fast yesterday which is on Thursday but I am in travel so I have to be a bit flexible.
The journey with Plusliner wasn't so pleasant and I have to sit beside a girl. That's still ok, but the seat in the bus is quite limited in space so I felt numb at my feet and other parts of body. The journey becoming rather tormenting when the driver has to drive slowly due to that there are speed traps in the high way.
Long time haven't doing exercise, hehe. It makes me feel like a sick old man when being contained by the bus. Poor grandpa I used to mock him when he said that he felt sick few months before he passed away. I realize how evil I was now, God please forgive my sins. Please let my grandpa resting in peace!!!
For tomorrow's peaceful saturday I need to get some sugarless bread or dates and a little bit salt. I already have two packets of salt with me. Tomorrow I need to perform ma'amad before friday prayer and also before maghrib. A bottle of plain water. Prepare everything together with prayer books for blessings before sunset so after that I can perform maghrib prayer in peace without disturbing others if performing congregational prayer in masjid.
Now, I don't really know how to describe my feeling. When I arrived in the campus this evening, I have a weird feeling. I don't like this institution or maybe this place because I had lost my moments. Time is indeed playing it's role. Now I really have to make choice and taking the risk again and again in this uncertain period. Tomorrow, I've to get a letter at the center for graduate students to make sure that I can find the job. Then I would have to discuss this matter with my supervisor. I guess I would have to finish european language paper through external classes.
I hope our lecturer do not obligate us to attend her classes when we take the paper for politics and decision makin' again but just obligate us to answer the exam. I really need tools to perform this life. I hate to talk about money as it would be considered as thaghut (idolatries) if being needed excessively, and in the end our god would actually be the money and not Him. It is also mentioned in scriptures but what else can I do. That is the necessity now. I have no choice and I already feel ashamed to my parents for being a burden to them. I hope I am not being a polytheist again and may He forbids me from being a person attached to money nor materials.
Last few nights I already had quarrels with one of my sister concerning this matter. But as to say I never ask her to sponsor me anything. She just sponsors me when she wants me to company her for entertainment like watching her French movies where I don't really like those movies nor do I understand them.
I would not take anything from anyone if it concerns my dignity. Even when I did not have money for expenditure, I would rather fast so I may not be a burden to the world. Anyhow, I should be aware that He is testing me. I am not out of His holy view. May He forgives me, everyone around me and giving me patience to go through this tiring journey. May this nightmare never haunt me when I began to open up my eyes in the eternal world there.
When we are in difficulties we ought to remember that He is with us backing us up. The test is to make us closer to Him. When we are in easy time, we should also remember. He is also testing us whether we would be in the straight path or deviating because we tend to forget Him who sustains us. That is called as istidraaj. Already happened to humans before us like the Tsamud and the 'Aad tribes of the ancient Arab nation mentioned in the holy Quran.
Anyhow, I would like to express my gratitude to You for a safe journey where You protect me. I realize that You are protecting me, dear Lord. Help me to perform this life. Please protect my faith and creed so I would be in the right track of Yours, o You who is the Most Beneficent. I had already facing tests and tribulations in this life since I was a toddler but only now I get to realize it. I believe all of us, Your servants would be tested because this earth is the field for those who are tested. Praises be only to You forever, aamin!!!
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