I was in the musalla at Tekun hostel of Universiti Sains Malaysia in 2010 when I received a text from my mother saying that my father was attacked with strokes. At that time, he was not paralyzed like today. I am so sorry bapak... I should be by your side at that time but I was stuck there because of conscience toward whatever that I had started...
I tried to make friends with those Tabligh congregation brothers but I end up feeling stupid myself. They finished their studies without informing me that they had gone home. I did not give any agreement or commitment on the "outing" because I do not like to make promises since I afraid that I would break it. Promise and the action related to contract is a big thing for me. I would even risk my life for that if I say it out loud. I thought that they were trying to befriend me but it turns out that they had got more better things to do in their life. I was quite disappointed too at that time. I had twice experience being dumped by acquaintances whom I thought were friends. Traumatized because of this, I avoid people and stop making friends no more. Life is so much filled with selfishness and egoism.
I even ignore the Tabligh congregation of our neighborhood who tried to persuade me to join their congregation. I am done with it I do not want to be manipulated by any "movement". I have a huge respect to the teachers who established the congregation but I do not want to have any contact with the members. I had seen something which is not so pleasant in their center which is an "abstinence" for me pantang datuk nenek... Double standard... The high ranking people there only entertain those with "money", nice looking ones, and those who study in "good" courses in which the future of the recruited member makes him useful for those who is close to him. I am not trying to say anything bad about the movement. Never. I just wanted to say that we could see human "colors" when we are among them. I would better make friend with the God the Highest. I do not care if people wanted to call me names anymore. Eventually we will have to be alone in the grave-hole so why not I proceed a little quicker before it happens? I refuse to talk with people or making friend any more. I admire the friendship of Amir Khusro with his mentor, Muhammad Nizamuddin. I do not have any fortune to have great mentors but I am grateful that the God the Highest has given me the Glorious Quran as a loyal companion and a mentor itself.
I just cried alone in musalla this morning while reciting the Yaasin for the souls of ancestors and noble prophets. I have to make sure that there was nobody there except me and Him just in case if my eyes suddenly raining tears. Or else it would be an embarrassing thing for people to see a guy crying like a little baby, haha. I do not know why men have to pretend to be strong in front of others? However, I am also accustomed to that norm. I just feel embarrassed if people look at me crying.
I just talked to Him because I do not know how to help my father. I understand that he must be very depressed being locked in that paralyzed body. He cannot do anything on his own except screaming. I feel like crying when looking at my father's face. Now, it is like 18 months he is in that condition. I tried all sort of things including reciting Quran for him but we are nobody to Him. How can we tie His "hands"? He could do anything if He wills. From these experiences, I learned that He is incomprehensible by lowly creatures like us. This is a meditation and contemplation itself. When we see something in this temporal world, we could also imagine that it is not going to last long in that condition. Only He is immutable.
Sealed with prayers for mercy, peace and love, amin!