I am not sure whether the title is suitable or not but I seriously do not know what to put at the title, haha. Well, tomorrow morning maybe after morning prayer service I would take the bus to Shangrila Hotel up there. I just wanted to apply for a steward (dishwasher) job. In the beginning I planned to beg for my mother to help me to study the "religion" but after all I think that I had also burdened her before. I feel so ashamed too. Now on I just wanted to settle my debt with the national loan center because I owed them to study in my undergraduate level. Anyway, I am thankful to the government and I do not want to owe anyone no more. I wanted to pay my mother's jewelry too. I do not want anyone to suffer because of me!
I wanted to find a job again just after I quit the one which was a Protection Clerk in the UNHCR, Kuala Lumpur. There were too many things to deal at once including with my mother who wanted to see me graduated which means that I have to apply for one week leaves although I am still in probation and that annoying Human Resource lady in the office as I was still under her supervision. You know, sometimes people love to look at others as inferior than them without trying to be their friends. They would rather love to make enemy with others by giving that pompous attitude. I had also quarreled with my younger sister where she accused me as not taking care of my father though I was always with my father in his sad times since I was young until now when he is bedridden. I never leave him behind or neglect my responsibility. When you are in unfortunate situation, you will see the true "colors" of everyone. It will spontaneously come out of everyone...
I am still "aware" about my "self" and I know the God's commandment for a child to be devoted to his parents. Besides I had to give the chance for my little sister to use my mother car since she has got a job in the Prime Minister's Department. I quit at that time and opted for another job far in Kuala Lumpur because I was the one who offered her my position though my old employer actually trying to stop me by giving me a promotion together with an increase in salary pay. Now, everyone could see a Muslim guy is being bullied by women and how I have to sacrifice for their chance to live in term of my future. I have to give up my job under the midst of pressures. Yet, most of the time, we Muslim guys being tainted with the so-called "feminism" cry that most men are irresponsible, going out for religious propagation like the Tableeghi Jama'at members by just ignoring their responsibility as men and others. I respect the teachers of Deoband school of India and I give due respect to all Muslim scholars but some people still taking some of the "public" members of the movements as the benchmark for all! I strictly adhere to the principle of Ahl Bayt and that makes me have to struggle on my own with only the God as my only Protector and Companion. I have to do anything by accepting my situation, accepting the facts and according to situation. So my final decision because all of those troubles is just to quite without having the chance to establish myself like others.
What I had done yesterday was I had already cleaned my clothes and mattress sheet. Some had already been packed in plastic because I do not want them to be dirty again before being given to people. I had given up like half of them right now. I do not want too many possession because it will burden me in the future. I need to clean the fan in my room as it is quite dusty right now. Around midnight I will start to clean my room since I do not want to be seen even by my family members anymore.
Owh yeah, I wanted to give up my religious kitabs to mosques and some friends. I do not need them anymore because I had memorized some of them. I just need to practice them and just need a copy of Quran with me in order to get it preserved in myself. Maybe I will make some "letter of will" and inheritance letter. I wanted to quietly move away without being known by anyone if anything happen to my beloved father. I love him so much, grateful to him for raising me and I am here because of him. I do not care a bit about being in comfort zone... Unfortunate events will happen without we even notice or expect it. So better be very very careful... Maybe today you see that people in those war zones are crying but it could also happen to us. Doomsday is not only the great doomsday but also doomsdays which follow our transitory phases of life...
Sealed with prayers for mercy, peace and love, amin!
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