Sunday, 30 September 2012

Responsibility and Think "Nothing" in Life

Assalaamu'alaikum wa rahmatullah

Currently I am trying hard to finish up my thesis. Well, I learned that I can't read the journals in the monitor 24/7 besides I have to look after my father. I'm thinking to print them out but I have no printer so it sure will cost me again. Maybe I would ask my elder brother in law permission if I could use his printer at his house and pay for the ink. I wrote the thesis until I fall asleep at the computer. This is so scary. I wish Allah forgive me for studying this course. I would not be as crazy as this if I just go right away to work and secretly continue studying Shari'a beside performing da'awa job in disguise. This won't work for my Quranic memorization schedule too. I just did not realize that few drops of tears dripping on the Quran before I get started this morning I feel so guilty to Allah.   

I learned that Amir had just gotten a letter for a pre-qualification psychology test for the position he does not know and it just need to be answered online. He applied last Aidul'adha. Almost a year and he just got it now. He did not mention this to me when we talked on the phone. He just stated the benefit if he got hired for the position as the location of the job is in Malaysian Northern University (UUM). His cousin bought him the form. I learned another thing from Amir. He said that he did not expect on good stuffs to reaching him when he dreams nothing. But another thing he said that he was envious with the lady living beside his house working as a clerk in Alor Setar. She just returned home and brings nothing at home, so he said that she seems so relax. The same thing happened with his elder brother who works in the morning and returns home late in the evening. At night he just check the internet before goes to sleep and it continues everyday. He wanted that kind of lifestyle. Thinking of nothing just like in the school. Go to school, return from school and did nothing. In the end he just said that he will never forget me though he has gotten good things. 

I just put his conversations here in the form of writing so brothers and sisters just treat it like reading a fictional novel and I am just a fictional character, haha. I feel shy when people reading these but I am writing it here so brothers and sisters would see how "real life" works. I know many are jobless in the US, Europe and around the world. I understood how you feel. My conversation with him was actually according to the level of his thinking. Because people think at different levels. 

I had experience in job world before though not long. What he said as think of nothing is not true for me. Human is burdened with the levels of responsibility and there are stages of life. Last time I was so dedicated to my job though I worked for more than eight hours a day and only with one day off. I woke up early as early as at four to prepare for my uniform and waited at the train station to the airport. I just walked alone to the airport in the darkness of early morning. I end my shift at 12 midnight and arrived home when everyone were already sleeping. In the beginning there were two shifts but later it becomes one when only two remain there when others resigned. I was 18 at that time. 

But when the offer for the university came, I just accepted it though I should have forget everything and return to Shari'a stream as what I "mentally" talked with Allah in holy Mecca. I just had no one to talk with and to discuss on the plan so it happened this way I am now typing the post, hehe. My other friend, Azren which is also the colleague of Amir because we were from the same graduate classes worked as a general clerk in a company. He has to deal with huge amount of money for his company. He said that it is not fun but because he has no choice and need to pay for study loan so he just stay there until other offers come. As for me, I am waiting until the end of this year to reform my life again. Maybe it would be a bit later than others but I just don't care anymore now. I think it is better to embrace the divine pre-destiny. I begin to slowly closing my recently opened social account. I don't want to be seen by those "new friends" that I just known in the musalla when attending master classes. I need to gather and unify our "congregation" first with other brothers and sisters. We had been looked upon negatively since long and our ancestors were killed and chased by governments of two "Muslim" empires for nothing. So, I would study the Sunnah traditions and also the other side traditions and act as a transmitter of the traditions of our ancestral lineages like what I suppose to be and what the previous imams had done.

Anyway, I am happy for Amir. He had been jobless for about three years and he just stayed home. Maybe his parents get worried of his future too so they had asked his cousin to get the form for job application. I think it is not good to stay at home idle because it would affect our social life skill. It's just hilarious for me when he said that he won't forget me, lol. I don't need anyone to remember me. Maybe I ask some brothers to pray for me. That's all I want because when people generally praying for faithful believers, then it also includes everyone. Another things is nothing last forever. I don't believe in the "forever" term in this Earth. It is only applicable in the "life" to come : )

Sealed with prayers for mercy, peace and love, amin!    

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