I had meditated in the musalla in between Maghrib and 'Isya services. Just browsing our tariqah prayer book and pondering on myself also about my sins. Since I heard many people talking about eating habit and how do I look like especially my little sister, I became a bit disobedient to His commandments which is not good for me. Girls are always like that and when she tells me about how do I look like, I thought that girls are afraid of me or maybe looking at me like an ugly guy so I began to take care about what food that I eat. I tried to take lots of carbohydrate which is our South East Asian staple food, rice but it ends out that I throw everything out. I can't grow anymore. The age for growing up is around 12-20 years old. Over the age it is the time we reverse to be old men or old women.
So, today I found a Chinese Muslim stall at Restu hostel but I have to walk a bit. The owner looks like Chinese so I am using the logic that he is a Chinese who puts on a white skull-cap, hahaha. I can't take food in Indian Muslim restaurant firstly, their food is too spicy and I am not familiar with their spices. Secondly, they only have limited selection of vegetables as compared to "forbidden" meats for me and the way they cook their vegetables make me wanted to puke so I always feel very sad when I accompanied friend because I can't be like them :'( I am familiar to curry and stuffs but they are not Indian style. They are Thai and Malay style where they use cinnamon and soft spices. Indian spices are too strong. It makes our body system became slow and tired as it is heavy and we can't perform prayer services easily apart that I have doubt on the cleanliness of Indian Muslim restaurant especially the way they prepare the food. It is not only about halal meat but also about the way they handle their kitchen. I began to strictly take vegetarian food again and I found the stall also serve non-mixed vegetable as I try to avoid meat again.
Tomorrow I think I will have to fast again as to close my 'physical eyes' and 'thinking' so I would not think so much. Those thinking actually harms me, and it began when I see new undergraduate students happy faces, hahahaha. I am not envious to them but I began to compare my poor self with them. That is not good right? I had also downloaded food lists which are prohibited for poor people and hebrews. Yea, other Muslim brothers may take foods which are allowed in the glorious Quran according to their school of jurisprudence but we can't eat all of the food even though they are halal and we must obey it as poor people should not forget their status before Allah. I wish Allah helps me and giving me strength to perform fast again. Next time I must think on how Allah looks at me and not how His slaves looking at me. Slaves have no power to save me from hell or torments but only Allah is rightful to save me. They are not important figures as Allah.
I think I must take off the mattress sheet and keeping the pillows in the closet. Because I should not sleep on the bed anymore. I must sleep on the floor according to my status. If not I will forget my status. Urmm, what else to add in the list ja? I had not change my surah memorization. I am stuck in both surah Maryam and surah Ta-Ha. I should finish the memorization and begin with strengthening my juz-amma recitation and memorization. Only after I finish the parts I could begin memorize surah al-Baqarah and so forth like normal madrasah students memorize their Quran. It's a bit messy because I began to memorize surah Maryam first while I was in Mecca. It was easy because I can directly see the Ka'aba and the surah automatically implanted in my "heart". I was also close to Zamzam well so I can drink as many water as I wanted to beside reciting salawat to get the surah implanted in my "heart". When I return only I feel that I begin to be dirty and filthy by worldly matters. I pray that Allah forgives me, I feel so weak but I still having my hope on Allah and trying to fight with all sort of teachings that teachers gave me. Yea, I should try to sleep early. Maybe I should burn some incense sticks to make my eyes burn so I will sleep early and wake up early for Allah, hahahaa.
Tomorrow evening also I think I should spend some time with Allah in the masjid. I think my nephews inspired me too although I don't really feel like talking to their dad which is my cousin brother. I just feel down with them and I should respect those who are older than me. I wanted to study our jurisprudence kitabs again after I finish this studies. The experience and the torture here is more than enough I guess. I made wrong decisions last time and it is one of my sins. I should choose Allah and not "friends". Then I should also quickly translating few important kitabs like prayer books, lectures or jurisprudence books regarding prayer services as personal presents/sacrifice for East Asian brothers. I hope they can also memorize Quran, prayers and supplications and understanding them without having to google-translate as the electronic translator is not accurate and do not have to read Tabligh books in Urdu. They have their own traditions so they must keep their old traditions and not imported traditions from India or Pakistan or Arabia. It is also for Muslims in Japan and Korea as they share the sphere in Yellow Sea. I was so terrified when I was in a little masjid in Gyotoku area in Chiba prefecture during my visit to Japan and listening to Friday prayer sermon in Urdu and not in Japanese while we were in Japan. How could people reconcile the path in the geo-cultural area with a language that they don't understand or with foreign cultures? So, that is why I dip myself again into sino-sphere though I actually had already abandon Chinese tradition and culture when we moved out from majority Chinese area to Malay majority area.
Tomorrow evening also I think I should spend some time with Allah in the masjid. I think my nephews inspired me too although I don't really feel like talking to their dad which is my cousin brother. I just feel down with them and I should respect those who are older than me. I wanted to study our jurisprudence kitabs again after I finish this studies. The experience and the torture here is more than enough I guess. I made wrong decisions last time and it is one of my sins. I should choose Allah and not "friends". Then I should also quickly translating few important kitabs like prayer books, lectures or jurisprudence books regarding prayer services as personal presents/sacrifice for East Asian brothers. I hope they can also memorize Quran, prayers and supplications and understanding them without having to google-translate as the electronic translator is not accurate and do not have to read Tabligh books in Urdu. They have their own traditions so they must keep their old traditions and not imported traditions from India or Pakistan or Arabia. It is also for Muslims in Japan and Korea as they share the sphere in Yellow Sea. I was so terrified when I was in a little masjid in Gyotoku area in Chiba prefecture during my visit to Japan and listening to Friday prayer sermon in Urdu and not in Japanese while we were in Japan. How could people reconcile the path in the geo-cultural area with a language that they don't understand or with foreign cultures? So, that is why I dip myself again into sino-sphere though I actually had already abandon Chinese tradition and culture when we moved out from majority Chinese area to Malay majority area.
Am off to buy some fasting preparation stuffs. I would be glad to welcome the Gharbis-Sabt (the Friday evening) so I must begin very early in Thursday. I guess this is today's note for myself. May Allah forgive my sins and let me memorize the Quran in full beside implanting in my heart the traditions of prophets. Make my unworthy vessel the bearer of Quran and sacred traditions. Please forgive my grandparents sins too ya Allah. I love them no matter now they are in "souls" form and not in form of human anymore. Please protect my parents ya Allah grant them good health to know You. Please protect everyone around me and those who has sinned me. They just don't know so please be Merciful to them. Make them fortunate always and open up for them the doors of sustenance for them. Please ya Allah bless Your prophets and messengers. Tell them I miss them. I wanted to kiss their feet when I see them in the hereafter. I wanted to see You too please permit me seeing Your Holy Appearance when the universe ends :')
Sealed with prayers for mercy, peace and love, amin!
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